I double dog dare you to watch this and not automatically join me in the gutter.

It’s not just for women. They also have the Shake Weight for men. Because everything is better when you add Ellen, check out this clip from her show where she proves she is a better host than Oprah. You will want to pay particular attention to the 1:12 mark. You might also want to check out this clip where Ellen gives Shake Weight to Queen Latifah. Enjoy.

Thank God I own a car.

The People Of Public Transit website was inspired by People of Walmart. It’s a simple concept: grab your camera and wait for the freak show to arrive. Like People of Walmart, POPT will never be at a loss for material.

Back in 1992 or ‘93, before the Internet hit it big, a friend of mine did a series for a photography class that he called The Bus People. He rode the bus for a week taking pictures of, you guessed it, people. I guess that makes him a visionary because he was way ahead of this popular trend. Let me tempt you with a few photos.

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God help the people of South Korea

As if the people of South Korea don’t have enough to worry about when it comes to living next door to Kim Jong Il, there is about to be a new menace they will have to be on the lookout for. Cha Sa-soon, a 68-year-old from Seoul, has finally passed the written driving exam. It only took her failing it 949 times to get it right. On the 950th time, she finally managed to pull a passing grade of  60% out of her ass.

Homegirl has been taking the exam nearly every day since April of 2005.  Cha has laid out more then five million won (that’s $4,200 in real money) on the application fees to keep re-taking the test.

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Thunderdome!

Grumpy Pepaw Murdy is pissed off, y’all.  He’s pissed off that Google is ganking his news and not paying for it.  Rupert Murdoch thinks Google steals news and that it infringes his copyrights.  Google is all, “Whatever, man.  We’re Google.  We own the universe.”  And hey, it’s sort of true.  When you want the internets to impart its wisdom to you, where do you go?  Teh Google.

Google is one of those rare brands that became the product it was selling.  Like Kleenex and Tampax.   Except, I think the brand is stronger.  Folks still say, “Hey, do you have a tampon?” or “Hey, I need a tissue.”  But then there are just as many folks who say, “Give me a damn Tampax.” or “Your Kleenex or your life.”  (No one ever asks for Puffs or Playtex, the poor bastids.)

But with Google?  No one says, “That’s an interesting question!  I think I shall seek out the answer on an Internet search engine.”  No.  People say, “I’mma google that shit.”  Google is a verb!  Suck on that, Tampax.  You’re not a verb.  No one ever went out and got Tampaxed.

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All the best things in life start with setting something on fire and then running for your life

I don’t know who the first person was that got the idea to use black powder to shoot an anvil into the air was, but I do know this. It was a man. I’m not saying that to be sexist. All I’m saying is that only a dude would come up with something that is equal parts stupid, dangerous and awesome AND actually try it out.

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It reads like a headline from The Onion

October 30 was “Gay Eradication Day” in some backwards ass area of East Kingston, Jamaica.  I recall reading various articles about the rampant homophobia in Jamaica, but this is just so so wrong, I’m struggling to even find words to describe this travesty.

I’m baffled that this sort of shit is going on in the world.

Two weeks ago, the residents of McGregor Gully gave gay residents two weeks to leave-as in get the hell out of town.  Friday was the expiration of their “get out” period:

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Seriously, WTF is up with Detroit?

Three runners died during the Free Press/Flagstar Half-Marathon in Detroit on Sunday. The 26, 36 and 65 year-olds all collapsed within 16 minutes of each other between the 11 mile mark and the finish line. All three were avid runners and in apparently good physical condition. The last time anyone died during this event was 1994 and it was during the full marathon. Toronto freaks out when three people die in a ten year span during their half-marathon. The fact is, you have a greater chance of being murdered than of dying while running. Even if you are a couch potato and especially if you live in Detroit. I seriously think everyone’s chance of dying increases 10 fold when they enter the city’s vicinity. I am an avid runner, but this is not a situation that would deter me from running. It may make me think twice about running if I am ever in Detroit.

Would this freak event cause any of you Squeers to stop/not take up running? I’m also interested in theories. What are your theories on why this happened? Conspiracy theories welcome.

Because being anti-rape isn’t as ubiquitous as we thought.

Al Franken, junior senator from Minnesota, proposed a new legislative amendment that reads as follows:

Sec. 8104. (a) None of the funds appropriated or otherwise made available by this Act may be used for any existing or new Federal contract if the contractor or a subcontractor at any tier requires that an employee or independent contractor, as a condition of employment, sign a contract that mandates that the employee or independent contractor performing work under the contract or subcontract resolve through arbitration any claim under title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 or any tort related to or arising out of sexual assault or harassment, including assault and battery, intentional infliction of emotional distress, false imprisonment, or negligent hiring, supervision, or retention.

(b) The prohibition in subsection (a) does not apply with respect to employment contracts that may not be enforced in a court of the United States.

This amendment was a direct response to the gang rape and captivity of Jamie Leigh Jones by her Halliburton (KBR) co-workers.  Let’s just say it was so violent that her pectoral muscles were ripped and her implants burst.  Halliburton, being a good corporate citizen, then locked her in a shipping container without food, water or medical treatment for 24 hours (and only let her go when a co-worker slipped her a cell-phone so she could call her parents, who then called her congressman), lost her medical kit and report, and attempted to  force Jones into mandatory, binding arbitration, calling the suit arising from the gang rape a “work-related claim.”  It, duh, isn’t.  Jones couldn’t bring charges in criminal courts back in the US because of lack of jurisdiction.  Basically, the Green-Zone created an area where the Company is the Leader.

This amendment’s purpose is to ensure that employees don’t sign away their civil rights and ensure situations such as Jones’ don’t happen again.  And it is accomplishing it through Congress’ purse strings, not directly mandating what a company’s contract should or should not say.  Sounds like a good plan, who wouldn’t be down with the amendment?  Thirty Republicans.  The amendment didn’t pass 100-0, my friends, it passed 68-30.  WHAT THE WHAT?!

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I call shenanigans

So some chick whose only real accomplishment in life has been to bang Lorenzo ‘the Renagade’ Lamas is about to follow in Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian’s footsteps and have a sex tape hit the market.  That and the fact that she has more plastic in her that Barbie has lead to her being a star, sort of.

Vivid Entertainment has acquired the rights to the tape but Shauna is crying foul. She admits that she and her boyfriend wave made sex tapes in the past.

“Yes I did make a sex tape with my boyfriend earlier this year. In fact I’ve made several sex tapes, but I certainly didn’t sign off on this and Vivid has no right to put it out. I am trying to get a hold of my attorney now.”

For the sake of this article I have reviewed the teaser trailer Vivid Entertainment has released to hock the DVD. I promise I only did it for research purposes. Having watched the trailer I have to say for a homemade privet video it has unusually high production quality. It’s almost as if Shauna and has short bus boyfriend made a sex tape with professional equipment.  No, I’m not talking about Short Bus’s junk, the video is of far better quality than you usually find in a celebrity sex tape. I’m sorry but when it looks like you are using fill lights I get a bit suspicious.

I thought this level of asshattery would be reserved for the Heidi and Spencer sex tape that is bound to be coming along as soon as no one cares about them.  I just can’t muster any sympathy for Shauna Sand and this “egregious invasion of her privacy” when the production quality of her sex tape is so obviously better than most straight to DVD movies.  The people who made Shark Attack 3: Megalodon would have given their left nut to have the special effects wizardry that was used to make Shauna look life like.

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Asshole Hunter Edition

Listen Squeeple, we can debate the pros and cons of hunting (aerial or otherwise), but one thing I think we all can agree on is that it takes a special sort of asswipe to shoot an animal when people are taking pictures of said animal.  About a dozen people were watching a grizzly bear swimming and fishing in Alaska’s Kenai River, which is near the border of the Kenai National Wildlife Refuge as well as Sterling highway.  Two very sportsman like hunters rolled up in camo with rifles.  When asked by a bystander if they were planning on shooting the bear, one of the hunters replied, while laughing,

“Yeah, we are, if it crosses the highway.”

The bear crossed the highway, into legal hunting territory, and as it ran up the hillside, the asshole hunters shot it.  In front of all the bystanders who were watching the bear.  Dooshnozzles, pure and simple.  It takes a special sort of asshole to a) ignore the fact that some people don’t like watching things die and b) think that your need to hunt is more important than other people’s need to watch the animal (if we are thinking of the bear as a competitive resource for two groups: hunters and eco-tourists). 

My guess is these dip-shit hunters were driving and saw all the people pulled over and watching the bear.  They went home, drank a few beers, changed into their camo pajamas and DROVE to “hunt” the bear.  It is just that something about the whole scenario makes me think that the hunters were mouth breathers and lazy. 

One of the bystanders summed up the hunters’ assholery thusly:

“I’m just disgusted at the whole situation. My family supports ethical hunting, but this is anything but sportsmanlike. And any decent hunter knows if you don’t have a clean shot, you don’t shoot. It took at least five shots to put it down, aiming up the hill while it was running away.”

Because the bear was in legal hunting territory, the hunters only broke the law against discharging firearms near the highway.  I think this goes to prove that just because something isn’t illegal, doesn’t mean you should do it.  I mean, it may be your right, but you are still a MEGA-DOOSH. 

Are you fucking kidding me with this?

Some douchebag posted a poll on Facebook that asks the question: Should Obama Be Killed?

Here’s a screenshot:

I mean: What.the.Fuck.

Seriously?  What the fuck?  And “if he cuts my healthcare” as a response?  This is how stupid people are, squeeple.  The fear tactics have gotten so out of hand that Obama’s effort to provide healthcare for ALL Americans has somehow morphed into a fear that Obama is trying to CUT people’s healthcare.  Say what you will about concerns regarding how he’s going to pay for it.  Say what you will about whether you believe healthcare is a right. Say that you don’t want insurance and you don’t want to be fined for not having it.  Fine.  But don’t you dare argue that he’s going to CUT your healthcare.  Because if you do make that argument, then you are an asshat.  An asshat that Sar will wear when she gets mad.

Needless to say, the Secret Service is all over this like brown on rice.  And as well they should be–death threats against Obama have increased 400% when compared to death threats against Bush.  The Secret Service isn’t putting up with any shit.

Apparently the poll was created by an independent individual using a third party application (which has since been suspended.)  I hope the Secret Service waterboards this fucking idiot.

Oh except it’s America and we don’t torture.  MIRITE?

Oh my Cruise, it’s enough to make my head expl–

Instructional signs.  Japan’s doing it wrong.

‘Cause Pseuicide Is Painless

So, you know how people sometimes use the interwebz as a place to perform various acts of fuckery that in Real Life they might not otherwise do, because of that whole anonymity thing? I’m not talking about harmless shenanigans, (such as, say, calling one’s self “Miss Sands, Drinkin’ Out Of Cups” and then posting comments in the voice of a beloved talking lizard) - I’m talking about people like the ones Lisa(#1) posted a story about, or people who use the internet as a way to manipulate strangers into giving them money, or use it to prey on children, or people who come up with completely fictitious online personalities and then build online relationships with various online communities and then manipulate those communities into giving them sympathy for some illness that they don’t actually have… or their own death that didn’t actually happen.

Well, right now I’m talking specifically about that last group of people. Some are sadistic “lulzers,” attention-seekers who think it’s really fun to fuck with peeps. Others, according to Dr. Marc Feldman - a clinical psychiatrist at the University of Alabama - are sufferers of a psychiatric disorder he calls “Munchausen-by-Internet.” Here’s an example:

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No seriously…

Maybe Jennifer Love Hewitt decided tennis whites were boring and that tennis shoes didn’t provide enough of a challenge?  Maybe she was terrified of not looking “sexy” for Jamie Kennedy? Who knows, but for whatever reason, while she and Kennedy were vacationing in Hawaii she decided to play tennis in a bikini and wedge heels, and it has me scratching me head.

Attention slut?

Maybe she hates her ankles?

She was minding her own business, just lounging around the pool, when suddenly a man with a gun man appeared and demanded she play tennis in her heels for his amusement?

Someone make this make sense for me!

Photo credit: EROTEME.CO.UK

Well, she stabbed his arm

Sara Stokes is not the one you want to mess with, she doesn’t play. On August 2nd Sara and her family were having a normal day, but then her husband got in an argument with her. Apparently that was not very wise of him. Sara stormed out of the house and fell which left her with a busted up face. At that point Sara went back into the house and somehow ended up stabbing her husband in the arm in front of their 3 kids. This wasn’t a funny situation until her lawyer released this statement:  ”Sara and Tony have a very passionate and loving relationship that on August 2, while having an evening of fun, she slipped and fell, hitting her head heavily on the ground and somehow in the process of helping her Tony got injured.” He somehow got stabbed while helping her off the ground? How does that happen? Is that like when the battered woman says she ran into a door or fell down some stairs?

Swiper, no swiping!

This man robbed a toddler yesterday while she was at a deli with her aunt.

Now, one must assume that this little girl must have looked very, very rich. Maybe she was wearing her diamond-and-Swarovski encrusted Osh Kosh B’Goshes, possibly with elbow gloves and a tiara. And she MUST have been eating that deli’s finest fish-sticks-and-french-fries dish. SHE WAS FLAUNTING HER WEALTH! There she sat eating her fine food, with her devil-may-care attitude, legs swinging, bag carelessly slung across the table. How could that bag NOT contain riches beyond imagination? How could a young man of twenty-three, perhaps in need of a haircut (for he was later found at a nearby barber shop) resist the allure -  nay! - THE SEDUCTION of such an obvious gift? HE HAD TO TAKE IT! He HAD to know - even for just a few fleeting, glorious moments - how it feels to HOLD that kind of wealth, to be able to look proudly into another’s face and say “I MATTER! And I can prove it with CASH! Of which I believe, in this Dora The Explorer Knapsack, there is PLENTY!”

One can only imagine the crushing disappointment when, upon opening the lush Dora The Explorer backpack, only a few dollars were found. In CHANGE, no less! OH, THE CRUELTY! Our young protagonist (Walter Brown, of Wilmington, Delaware) would have to suffer the embarrassment not only of having to pay for his haircut mostly out of HIS OWN POCKET, but also of having to finish payment of that service by dumping out an assload of nickels and pennies; OH, plus the added humiliation of having been caught after ROBBING A THREE-YEAR-OLD.

Give Churchgoers Another Reason To Pray

A small church in Kansas ran into a bit of a problem recently. It seems that 70,000 bees decided it was a groovy place to make there home, so they over-ran the place. The pastor called in a bee keeper who was stung a good 20 times while removing the swarm. I’m left wondering why the pastor didn’t call somebody sooner. I mean you must have noticed there was a problem before the swarm reached epic proportions. There were so many bees that honey was dripping down the walls. Did they think the bees would eventually just move on or something? I know when I see just one bee I find out if that bitch is living anywhere near me, and if I find out it is, I get it taken care of very quickly.

You Didn’t Love Him On Tuesday

What the hell is wrong with people? Everyone has spent the last decade talking about what a freak Michael Jackson is and then the second he dies he’s some sort of hero. I have a problem with that, and I’m fairly sure he would, too. Why is it when a celebrity dies they are automatically ascended to god status? Remember Anna Nicole Smith? People did the same thing with her when she died, and I can’t recall even one person that didn’t make fun of her when she was still alive. TMZ and People feel the need to report every detail about Michael Jackson to us now. Hell, 98% of TMZ is currently Michael related. When was the last time you heard him on the radio? Since he died I’ve heard him on almost an hourly basis. Don’t get me wrong, it sucks that he died, because he had kids and I don’t wish death on people, but people are getting way out of hand. If you had really loved Michael as much as you say you did, he wouldn’t have spent his final years as a social outcast.

Seriously, Grow The Hell UP Already

I don’t like the fact that I’m writing about Robert Pattinson again, but some crazy stuff went down yesterday. The shrieking mass was stalking him again, and he got hit by a cab while trying to escape the insanity. These women are so insane, dude ran in front of a cab to escape them. That’s just messed up. Luckily, he was able to walk away uninjured. I’ve thought about throwing myself in front of a cab to escape annoying people before but I’ve never actually done it. These girls better back off because they won’t have anybody to obsess over if he dies trying to escape them.

Source.

I Beg To Differ

No, no, no. Just no. Chace Crawford looks like a freaking girl. People Magazine got it all wrong. There are like 4 other dudes on that list that should rank higher than him. No, I am not talking about Zac Efron. As a matter of fact, you could pretty much choose any guy on that list other than those two and it would be ok. It really makes me wonder what they base these lists on. I mean, Chace Crawford? Really. I just don’t get it. Who do you think should be Hottest Bachelor of the year?