Or High Class Call Girl?

OK magazine is reporting that Katie will get 75 million dollars to pop out another Cruise clone. I can’t say I blame her. Hell, for 75 million I’d find a way to have Tom’s baby and pretend to be into Scientology. Hell, I’d do it for waay less than that. (call me Tom)

A lot of people think they have a sham marriage.  Rumors of marriage contracts and money trading hands doesn’t do anything to dispel that. You never heard about this crap when he was married to Nicole Kidman or Mimi Rogers. I think Tom knows what he has to do. It’s OK Tom. People still accepted you after all this Scientology bullshit. No one is going to think any less of you. Personally, I couldn’t possible think any less of him than I do now. I can’t be the only one who feels that way, so it’s really a win win situation for him. Besides, it’s best he does it on his own terms before Suri does it to establish dominance over him.

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Hold my calls during my Spielberg meeting, unless it’s Santa. Then only put him through if he is ready to accept MY terms for his surrender.

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I’m sorry but if I saw this coming at me on a dark night in an Applebee’s parking lot, I’d brick it in the face and ask questions later. I guess Leighton Meester learned to put makeup on at clown college.

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What more proof do you people need? This kid is evil. She looks like a miniature version of the witch from Snow White. Plus, she's holding a cupcake for Busey's sake. A CUPCAKE!!!

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The Most Important Information Available To You

...Aaaand that's how this is going to play out. Oh and Kate? By the time everyone realizes we were perfect for each other, I'll be long gone.

Skimming Rainbow presents: Putting Words In Your Mouth

According to the internet this week…

• Jon Gosselin: “For the record, when I did it, it wasn’t exploitation-exploitation. Because I was profiting.”  Runner-up: “The only thing more convenient than my morals are these lovely Ed Hardy tampons and douches. Look for my face on the box, only at Target.”
• Kristin Cavallari: “Originality isn’t really his bag. I mean, did you see that one tattoo?”
• Shakira: “I left Spain for this? I had a real career and everything!”
• Kim Zolciak: “I try to add symmables to wrods because it creationates a smartical feeling in me thinks.”
• The Angry Black Lady: “Oh, for fuck’s sake.”
• Katie Holmes: “Arch support?? Don’t let me hear you say those words again. Now hurry, why are you walking like that?”
• Paris Hilton: “Everyone else is criticizing my top, but Sar wants to buy one. Suck it, haters.”
  

…And what words are being put in your mouth this week, Squeeple?

There is some serious dark wizardry going on here. How can one photo be so wrong and so right?

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Seriously, that is not cool

Tom and Katie are free game as far as I’m concerned, but do you really have to crash a three year old girls’ birthday party via helicopter? Suri can’t help the fact that her parents are kind of batshit crazy; just let her be a kid, if only for one day.

When I was growing up, birthdays were my special day, I can’t imagine having to deal with a freaking helicopter stalking me. She should be eating cake and playing pin the tail on L. Ron or something, not being hounded by people with cameras. You people take her picture every day of her life, can’t you just leave her alone for one day? As much as I dislike Tom Cruise, I still don’t wish this kind of torment on his child; I wouldn’t wish this on any child. Some people make me sick.

What is Suri Thinking?

My bet is, “Come on mom, even I know dad is gay.”

Jennifer Aniston recently said in an interview with Marie Claire,

“I still have the cassette tapes of messages from my first boyfriend, my second boyfriend, my husband… it’s like saving love letters.”

How much do you want to bet  that, on a daily basis, she still listens to the messages Brad Pitt’s left her?  She probably makes John Mayer pretend to be Brad. (more…)