Art Thou KIDDING ME?!?!

"Sure, end dogfighting. I don't have to pay for it, do I?"

First the Philadelphia Eagles and now BET is signing this guy!?  Seriously?

BET is partnering with Michael Vick’s production company (he has a production company!?) to produce a reality show for Vick, tentatively called The Michael Vick Project.

No, I’m not kidding.  Michael friggin’ Vick, dog killer extraordinaire, is partnering with Black Entertainment Television to produce a REALITY SHOW.  The show, according to its producers, will be different than ordinary reality shows and will be more serious in tone.  According to Radar Online, “The series will explore Vick’s past, his time in prison, his NFL comeback and his problems with his fiancé.”

Notably, the statement doesn’t expressly say that his reality show will explore the fact that he is a goddamn dog killer.  Additionally, because Vick is 20 million dollars in debt, there is, unsurprisingly, no word on whether any of the proceeds of the show will be donated to any animal organizations.

I seem to recall a faux contrite press conference during which Vick claimed that he wanted to set an example for kids and that he would attempt to begin to atone for his animal murdering sins.

We’re still waiting Vick.  Still waiting.

With a tennis ball

During her semifinal match again unseeded Kim Clijsters at the U.S. Open this weekend, defending champion Serena Williams lost her temper and threatened to murder a line judge in the face with a tennis ball.  The chair umpire penalized her and, as a result, she lost the match.

From the AP:

With Williams serving at 5-6, 15-30 in the second set, she faulted on her first serve. On the second serve, a line judge called a foot fault, making it a double-fault — a call rarely, if ever, seen at that stage of any match, let alone the semifinals of a Grand Slam tournament.

That made the score 15-40, putting Clijsters one point from victory.

Then Serena decided it was a good idea to go yell at the line judge and the umpire some more, resulting in a point penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct and ultimately, the loss of the game.  (She had already been cited for “racket abuse” after she broke her racket on the net during the first set, and the point penalty came on match point.) Here’s what she said to the line judge: “If I could, I would take this fucking ball and shove it down your fucking throat.“

Updated: Video after the jump:

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South Alabama-Hargrave and Florida State-Miami

Hey everyone! This fall, Cait and I are embarking on a college football journey of epic scope and amazingness! Well, we think so anyway.

We’re going to a different college game every weekend. And you guys get to tag along. Every Friday I’ll preview the games we’re going to, we’ll be podcasting Saturday and tweeting the experience, then recapping the whole ball of wax with video on Monday.

That’s the usual plan, anyway. This week will be weird since we’re taking in two games. But hey, stick around Thundersquee and follow us on Twitter (nolanolegal) and you’ll see all kinds of fun and goodness. Well, we think so anyway (see what I did there?).

Anyway, on to the football!

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Today I am Angry Pink Lady, and shit’s on!

Dear Jefferey Lurie, Joe Banner, Tom Heckert and Andy Reid,

First, I would like to cordially invite you all to eat an entire king sized bag of dicks–each–think theater popcorn extra-large.  Just strap it on like a feedbag, and go about your day.  Second of all, I would like to say, YOU SIGNED MICHAEL VICK? HAVE YOU LOST YOUR DAMNED MINDS? WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?

There now, I feel a little bit better, but not much, and don’t think just because I can now type rationally that I’ll be taking back that dick eating request any time soon. I won’t. Now, on to more serious business.

Vick is a felon who bankrolled and possibly committed with his own hands, but certainly caused and perpetuated, incredible acts of cruelty, torture and killing. Fifty dogs were found alive on Vick’s estate, FIFTY! These dogs were in such bad psychological condition that neither the HSUS nor PETA held out any real hope for their rehabilitation. Even worse, numerous dog corpses were retrieved from graves found at various locations–dogs who had been hanged, beaten and/or mutilated to death.

Should this situation be treated any differently than if he had done this to humans? I don’t think so. Lack of empathy is lack of empathy.  That he’s capable of doing that to dogs is a strong indicator that he is capable of far worse, and yet you’ve chosen him to lead your team? Fuck that noise. I’m not buying his bullshit excuses and neither should you. He can play the cultural conditioning card all he wants, and whine things like,  “I was raised this way so I don’t see dogs the same way as the rest of society,” but you know what? All he had to do was look around. A cursory glance at the rest of our society, and the fact that what he was doing was illegal could have easily clued him in to the unacceptable nature of his acts.

And before you go saying he’s apologized, let me say this. Lip service is lip service and actions are actions. I can say anything I want. Saying something doesn’t make it true. Look, “The Jonas Brothers are my new favorite band.” See?  That shit was a lie. I loathe the Jonas Brothers and all they represent. Besides, if I were a bankrupt felon who had lost a $23 million contract by committing disgusting, inhumane acts, I’d be apologizing all over the place. I could probably even work up a tear or two thinking about the house I lost.

That being said, right now, I’m not willing to believe Vick is sorry for anything other than getting caught and finding out there are consequences to his actions. When Vick has proven that he’s changed his ways, maybe, but he hasn’t had time to prove it. He just walked out of prison.

Giving him a two-year contract is, at best, brushing aside his heinous crimes for the sake of a little bit of press for your team, and at worst, tacit approval of his acts.  Do you–no, do WE as a culture really value football over the sanctity of life?

From here on out, the Philadelphia Eagles will no longer be my favorite team.  See, I told you that saying things didn’t make them true. The Eagles have never been my favorite team, but they stand no chance of it now, because you, sirs, are on my shit list.

Sincerely,

Lily the Pink

Fastest Swimmingest Weed Smoker in the Free World

As you may recall, a few months ago, I claimed that the fact that Michael Phelps is Stony McSwimsalot ain’t a big deal. It’s not as if weed is a performance-enhancing drug.  Then I claimed that the fact that Phelps wants to get hiiiiiigh, so hiiiiiigh might make him a bionic weed smoker, considering his ridonkulous lung capacity.

Well, smokin’ da weed truly weren’t no thang but a chicken wang–Phelps is still the fastest human sea creature on earth (although, I wonder whether a certain Squee!-ers’ seakitten and seacannibal might give Phelps a run for his money.)  So bow down to Phelps, the Six Million Medal Man-slash-Bionic Weed Smoker.  Why?  Because last week at the U.S. Championships, he broke the one record he had been unable to break previously; Ian Crocker’s 100m butterfly record:

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Great Googly Moogly

Oh, come on!  If it is your job to make sports jerseys, you better damn well make sure you know how to spell.  Or at least know how to use spell check:

The “Natinals”?  Really?  Who is in charge over at the Jersey Making Factory?

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Shaq

Shaq kicks ass.  If you don’t believe me, watch this video:

Shaq (THE_REAL_SHAQ)  dominates not only the basketball court, but also the Twitterverse.  He even tells @oprah what’s what.

Move over Ashton Kutcher and Larry King.

The Doosh Edition, Part Deux

I know, I know - we’re all caught up with spring training and March Madness (I still hate UNC and Duke, by the way).

But this just incensed me.

::shakes tiny fist angrily::

Belichick and Reed had better watch out– there’s a new sheriff doosh in town, and his name is Robert Powell (from the Dallas Police Department).

On Tuesday, March 17 Houston Texans running back Ryan Moats was driving his wife and her great-aunt to the hospital in Plano, Texas. They had just received the call most children fear—his wife’s mother was dying, and if they wanted to say goodbye, they need to rush to the hospital immediately.

Yeah, it’s already that kind of sad tale, folks. (more…)

Nuggets of Awesome Edition

In which you don’t have to read the smug stylings of ESPN to get what’s going on in the sports world.

• Terrell Owens was finally cut by the Dallas Cowboys.  Pardon me for a moment while I snicker with evil mirth.  Betcha he ends up with Al Davis’ Raiders.
• Shaquille O’Neal told Stan Van Gundy to suck it.
• Mark Cuban is still offering Bill Belichick and Jeff Reed stiff competition for the title of Ultimate Sports Doosh.
• This just in: The University of Florida (affectionately known as FU) still sucks more than Paris Hilton in a sex tape.  UF is seeking permission from the State of Florida to - involuntary shudder time, folks - BURY people on its campus.  I always knew there was something intensely creepy about Gainesville, and it appears my instincts have been vindicated.
• My boy Chris Paul (C!!! P!!! 3!!! Woooo!) has excellent taste in 90’s alternative music.
• It’s well known that the front office of the Arizona Cardinals is full of dooshes (see: Anquan Boldin).  This dooshtastic behavior continues with the ongoing negotiations to retain superawesome not Matt Leinart quarterback Kurt Warner.
• More bad news for my beloved Deuce McAllister - his car dealership in Mississippi has filed Chapter 11. Oh, Deuce. Must I really retire my #26 jersey?
• Conference tournaments for Division I college basketball are on the horizon, y’all.  And with the ACC and Big 12 duking it out amongst themselves prior to meeting in the March Madness Thunderdome (I should know, my fiance will probably be spending March Madness blearily cheering on his K-State Wildcats in the - lowers voice - NIT.)  Girl here is just praying that Cameron and all of its crazies mysteriously disappear for the next 3 weeks.

Girl vs. Commercials: THUNDERDOME EDITION

Speaking of commercials…

Meh.

Yes, meh. Apart from a few flashes of cute sentimentalism and dark, office-oriented humor, highlights were few and far between during the Super Bowl.

Viewers did get a great show from the Steelers and the Cardinals last night, and I was actively biting my nails during the fourth quarter.

(Bruce Springsteen’s botox is another story altogether, I’m afraid. ::involuntary shudder::)

But the normal slate of overpriced commercials underwhelmed me. Here were my favorites from last night–what about you? Any hits/misses? (more…)

Somewhere, Janet Jackson seethes.

This ain’t your normal Super Bowl commercial, folks—last night in Tucson, Arizona, Super Bowl viewers hoping for a Cardinals victory got more they than bargained for, when, during a commercial break, the usual Budweiser ad was replaced by…

…porn. (more…)

Super Bowl XLIII, a heartwarming tale of interceptions

Will this be the year of the feelgood comeback?

In a heartwarming Disneyesque turn of events, plucky interception machine Kurt Warner (I always like to imagine his name pronounced as “VAH-nuh”) has cemented his improbable return to the NFL elite by leading the Arizona Cardinals (9-7) to their very first Super Bowl against Fee Fie Foe Roethlisberger and the Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4).

Somewhere in Kiln, Mississippi, New York Jets quarterback Brett Favre is shaking his fist, wondering why he isn’t the QB with a revived career drifting graciously through league parties in Tampa this week. I, for one, giggle at the mental image.

Rhapsodic waxing aside, here’s what to look for in this weekend’s Big Game. (more…)

Your Super Bowl Sriracha Wings

(Adapted from Food and Wine)

Looking for the best possible dish for your Super Bowl watching party? Put down the cheap avocado dip and Fritos, roll up your sleeves, and delve into the sweet, sweet world of Sriracha hot sauce.

These wings are good enough to spark spontaneous dancing.

True story. (more…)