It’s Al ‘WEATHERMAN’ Roker

So Heidi and the A-Hole were scheduled to appear on the Today Show on Monday to promote their new book. Yes, you read that right. These two have a book. It’s called How to Be Famous: Our Guide to Looking the Part, Playing the Press and Becoming a Tabloid Fixture. Apparently you can have your own book even if you have never read one before.

For some reason Dumb and Dumber got bumped from the show. I’d like to think Al had better things to do with his time, like take a really epic dump. Well that got Spencer’s panties in a twist so he did what he does best. He took to Twitter and made an ass out of himself.

(more…)

I'm guessing the back of Lilo's shirt says LOL!

(more…)

Oh Just Take My Word For It Already, You Were Going To Anyway.

No, Skimming Rainbow is not the latest thrill available on the Craigslist casual encounters board. (Except if you like doing it in the bookstore.)  It’s just what I’m calling this roundup of links from the week. Now that Reading Rainbow is off the air, this is the most important literature available to you.

Making it work, Weekend-At-Bernie's style.

According to the rest of the internet this week:

• Project Runway sucked this week.
• Woody Harrelson (stop yawning and read) smokes pot and justifies his drug use with our drug use. JNLYBJJ. (Judge not lest ye be Judge Judy, © stopthemadness)
• Spencer Pratt committed the unpardonable doosh. So doom! (Just in case he wasn’t already going to hell for this comment.)
• Gerard Butler refuses to make any films he’ll be remembered for.
• The Real Housewives of New Jersey’s Danielle Staub is selling her house in glamorous Wayne, NJ: Home of the Chinese restaurant where I used to get drunk.
• Am I the only one who didn’t realize Janet and Jermaine had broken up?
• An X-Factor reject got plastic surgery after being criticized once by Simon Cowell, which begs the question, why exactly did she think she was ready to be famous?

P.S. Happy Labor Day!

Kanye West is pissed he didn’t think of this first

“I have decided that if there is a Queen of England and Prince William, we need to have a King of America, and I have nominated myself for that title.”

Now I don’t believe this for one second. It’s just a ploy to get attention on his part. When Heidi wants attention she puts on a bikini, calls the paparazzi and talks about loving Jesus. When Spencer wants attention, he issues proclamations.

For the record, I am in favor or him renaming himself King Spencer Pratt. Personally, I would have suggested Emperor Douchebag or even Lord of the Short Bus,  but King Pratt isn’t half bad.

Movies Quote Edition

Be the first on your block to correctly identify the quote to the movies they came from. Remember, cheaters never win, unless of course they are the “Women’s” Chinese Gymnastics team, so try and guess them on your own.

"Excuse me while I whip this out."

(more…)

Seriously.  You suck in every way imaginable, and in some ways I haven’t yet imagined.

Heidi Montag “performed” at the Miss Universe pageant.  And by “performed,” I mean “ran around on stage looking like a hot cup of clumsy wearing an outfit Britney Spears wore ten years ago.”

Listen here, Lord.  I know you’re benevolent and all-loving and forgiving and whatnot, and it would be beneath you to suggest to one of your followers that she kindly die in a fire, but hear me out.  She’s making a mockery of you and all that you stand for, running around like a dumbass with her implants and her stupid face talking about how much she loves your son.  I mean, have you seen Heidi Montag’s twitter feed?  It’s UNBEARABLE.  She’s constantly talking about “Thank you Jesus!” and “I love Jesus!” and “I’m a Christian, you’re a Christian, he’s a Christian, she’s a Christian, wouldn’t you like to be a Christian too?” and “Jesus is the man now, dawg!” and “Praise Jesus!  Rub yourself in feces and pose on Playboy and then carry the magazine with you wherever you go like an attention-seeking twit. Hell, make a t-shirt.  Why not.  It’s what a douchebag would do.”  I mean, COME ON.  This woman is RICK-DICK-ULOUS. You know it’s bad when LC starts to make sense.

OK, I get it, Lord.  That’s just not your style.  But may I make a visual argument?  Here it is:

Still no?  OK.  I understand.  I’m disappointed, but I understand.

Heidi and Spencer ruin everything

When it was announced the Heidi Pratt-Douchebag would be posing for Playboy magazine I made a prediction. I said it would just be a glorified Maxim photo shoot and show nothing now than what you would see in any of her staged bikini shots. Well I was right.

I take no pleasure in being right. I hoped Playboy would actually produce a good set of photos and that she would actually show something.  Not that I wanted to see her naked in the first place. I just hope Playboy would stand it’s ground and tell her if you want to be in out magazine you have to appear naked and show something.  If you are think of buying the issue, I’m here to ask you not to. Save yourself a few bucks and just go read Our Lady of Jujubees’ take on the cover. I guarantee it is more enjoyable than what awaits you inside the magazine.  (more…)

“Thanks for coming Powder”

I live in Arizona so I have the privilege of listening to Holmberg and the Morning Sickness. These guys are pure comedy gold! Today they interviewed Heidi and Spencer Pratt, and instead of doing it the normal way, they decided to interview them as Johnny Midnight and the Ass. At first Heidi and Spencer played along, but when it finally got through their thick skulls that somebody might be messing with them, things went differently.

At first Spencer thought the Ass was funny as hell because everything he said was followed by donkey noises while “Johnny” told everybody what the current time was every minute, but eventually  ended up  telling  Holmberg (a.k.a. Johnny) that he hopes he doesn’t go to hell for saying that Brady (a.k.a. the Ass) was a Wish for the Cure patient.

It doesn’t sounds as funny is it actually was but I could visualize Spencer twitching. All of you should check these guys out. You can hear their stuff at www.98kupd.com.

[Editor's Note: You can listen to the Heidi/Spencer clip here.]

Dirty Pratts in need of a douching

I don’t think I have to mention how annoying these two are. Annoying is not even appropriate for how enraging they are. The fact they brought her Playboy cover to a movie opening is enough said about their douche levels. But I can’t help and guffaw at the overall effect of her cover. She’s just so proud, yet the universe is bitch-footing her, and they’re too stoopid to see the joke.  I’ve decided the foot just doesn’t get enough love so I’m giving it the due authoratah it deserves. If you had no feet you couldn’t stand up. Think about that.

First of all, she’s covered in mud like she’s all primal sexy or something. I bet that mud has been mixed with feces after they annoyed the crew with their lame talk about what a big deal they are. There’s also an exclusive graphic novel by Tarantino. Irony is aplenty here because she and her husband are both inglorious and basterds.

How fitting that there’s a lost work by Kurt Vonnegut in that issue, too. Her entire being is something straight out of a sci-fi novel and many of her body parts are works of fiction. And the cherry on top of the poetic sundae are her claims that the world is ending in 2012. It will take about that long for these two to annoy the entire Earth to imploding into itself. I would say it’s the perfect cover, indeed. Well done, Douchey Mcdouchersons.

Attention whore, yes. Dumbest star ever?  I don’t think so…

The Daily Mail recently suggested Megan Fox is the dumbest star ever. Now, I’m not really a fan of Megan Fox. I think she is drop dead gorgeous, and I certainly wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers, but she’s not that good of an actress. To paraphrase and old saying, Megan Fox should be seen and not heard.

There is no doubt that she has said some stupid things in the past. Lets take a minute to review some of the things she has said to get out attention.

“I think that I’m so psychotic and so mentally ill that if I could tap into that I could do something really interesting.”

“I really enjoy having sex, and that’s offensive to some people. Women are the quickest to call other women sluts, which is sad.”

(more…)

Suck it, Douchebags

The fine people at E! ran a poll last week and let us, the little people, as Heidi and Spencer like to think of us, vote on whether or not they should continue covering these two. Well the votes are in and in a landslide, 94% of the votes cast said drop these two fools.

“Barring any actual news, e.g., she gets knocked up, he falls off a cliff or–heaven help us–her album goes to No. 1, consider this their very last post,” E! said.

What I wouldn’t give to have been a fly on the wall when they found out. Thankfully, Spencer is a “Christian” now, so I’m sure he took the news in stride. It’s all part of God’s plan for the couple after all.

I just have one thing to say to Herpes Simplex virus 1 and Herpes Simplex virus 2, as the great Chelsea Handler has started calling them:

Al isn’t taking any crap from Spencer Pratt

The Pratt-Douchebags appeared on the Today show and got bitch slapped Al Roker. Heidi claims Roker viciously attacked her and her twit husband, saying, “[Al Roker] was incredibly rude and was verbally assaulting me… I would warn any people, especially women, who are going on the show to watch out for him.” Spencer later added, “I never in my wildest dreams thought a weatherman would treat us like we just rigged the Iranian election.”

Notice how he picked up on Iranian election from an earlier segment of the show and tried to sound topical? He later reverted to his true form and said, “He’s lucky I was saved by Jesus, because a couple of weeks ago I probably would have ripped his head off for talking to my wife like that.”

(more…)

Spencer’s first question, “Do they have real doctors in Costa Rica?”

Still enjoying your misery, Heidi.

Heidi was taken to a Costa Rican hospital on Saturday complaining of abdominal pain. The way I see it there are three thing’s that could be happening here.

One, Heidi and Spence are cooking this up because they know it’s a good way to get off I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. They had already quit about a dozen times in the first two days of the show.  On Thursday’s show it was revealed that their fate was in the hands of the other celebrities as to if they would be let back into camp. NBC may want them back for the ratings but a lot of the other celebrities have had it with their BS. So they may be using this as a way to save face.
(more…)

Pasadena Douchebag and the Talking Box of Doom

(more…)

And rip out your own eyeballs and shake your fists

These two crazy kids are at it again. Hard core “Christian” Heidi Montag, SCUZE me… Heidi Montag Pratt has just released a new music video for “blackout.” Sound familiar? The Britney Spears wannabe and her forever dooshy husband are pimping out her new song via iTunes. Ready to make a purchase?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you MC Douchebag

If you are not sitting down, please do so now. If you are holding something sharp you might want to put it down, so you aren’t tempted to hurt yourself. OK, here we go.

Spencer Pratt just released a rap song. I’ll give you a minute to let that sink in.

(more…)

International Plague Edition

As we all know, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt recently “honeymooned” in Mexico… can you honeymoon if you’re not married? Are they actually married now? Are either of them legally mentally capable of consenting to marriage? Anyway, whatever the reason, they were recently in Mexico. Some of us thought this was dangerous. Some thought it was a publicity stunt. Others, like Keeblerkahn, saw an opportunity.

It’s too early to know whether or not the couple contracted swine flu. But it’s never too early to wildly speculate what would happen if they did.

And so, we bring you this week’s THUNDERDOME!!!: International Plague Edition.

(more…)

Hello Pigs,

My name is KeeblerKahn and I am your worst fears made of flesh. I am the thing that goes bump in the night. When the little piglets tell ghost stories late at night to frighten each other, I am the bogeyman they speak of. Put simply, I’ve never encountered a piece of your succulent flesh that I wasn’t ready to fry up in a pan, slow roast in my oven or barbecue over an open flame.

I tell you this not to frighten you, but to illustrate a point. In my eyes you are the king of the edible animals. From you come some of the greatest cuts of meat mankind has ever had the pleasure of devouring. I can understand how this is distressing to you; being made out of pork must be a great burden. I think if you ever got the chance to eat a piece of crispy bacon, you would understand why so many of your kind have crossed my plate.

(more…)

Whoa!  Still Dooshy…

Get this.  You’re going to love it.  So you know how the Duke and Duchess of Dooshtenshire got hitched again this weekend?  And you know how nobody wanted to pay for the exclusive rights to their pictures because no one gives a shit?

Well, turns out that their wedding was teh suck.

First, there was a cash bar.  CASH BAR.  Beer and wine were free (my guess is that the only beer available was Milwaukee’s Best (it’s not their best!) and the only wine available was Shaun Mondavi Vineyard’s classic reddish style wine drink).  Mixed drinks, however, were ten dollars each.  TEN. DOLLARS.

Second, the food sucked.  The only nosh available was tuna tartare and something described as “chicken salad on a cracker,” but the portions were teeny tiny and there were hardly an servers (they were all outside smoking weed and playing craps, presumably).

Third, there was some velvet rope bullshit at the door.  The invitation said that the reception started at 6:00 p.m.  The doors didn’t open until 7:30 p.m. and the dooshy couple didn’t arrive until 9:00 p.m.  You’ve got to be kidding me.  I would’ve grabbed a case of beer, stuffed my purse with crackers, and gotten the hell out of there.

Cruise help me, these two make me want to pee in my own eyes.

[via TMZ]

Heidi & Spencer Edition

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!…::takes a deep breath::…HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

If two idiots got married and no one cared would it really matter? Turns out the only people that cared about Dumb and Dumber getting hitched was MTV who was on hand to film the wedding for an upcoming episode of The Hills.

Heidi & Spencer tried to sell the exclusive rights to their wedding photos for big money and failed miserably. The big four weekly gossip magazines, In Touch Weekly, PEOPLE, OK! and Life & Style didn’t want anything to do with them.  There has been no word on the starting price for the photos, but considering who we are talking about I wouldn’t be surprised if they were asking a million or more for the rights.

The pair are dealing with it the way any self-centered  egotistical fake celebrity would, by making up an excuse. It’s the economy.

(more…)