So What?

No Loofahs Were Harmed.

Letterman seems to be in a heap of trouble with the American viewing public lately. Why? Because he had adult consensual sexual relations with female co-workers. No, there weren’t any laws broken, no animals were harmed, and no loofahs involved. The situation came to light when Letterman was blackmailed by another employee at CBS.

Instead of crying out indignantly, denying the accusations, swearing to fight them to the end, and then cutting a deal with the blackmailer in private, he contacted the police and told them everything. The blackmailer, and extortionist, (thanks Mae) I’ll just refer to him as scumbag because I’m too lazy to Google him and he really doesn’t deserve the notoriety, was later arrested. Letterman then went public with everything on the Late Show.

I’m sure he was well aware that admitting to affairs could very well cost him both his family and his job, yet he told the truth and made a public apology. This wasn’t sexual harassment in the workplace. This wasn’t rape. The women involved were not underage. And he’s not running for public office. So, why all the fuss?

Honestly, I think some people just like getting their noses into other people’s bedroom business. He’s a comedian! As far as his personal sexual affairs, that’s between him and his wife. Half of these people calling for his head on a platter have probably cheated on their wife, and the other half have probably put up with a cheating husband. If you’re not his wife, you should stay out of the situation, because it’s really none of your business. Stop making judgment calls on what she should or should not do and what should happen to him. Let them work that mess out.

The bowmchickabowmbowm edition

Have you ever read Nick  Hornby’s awesome opus, High Fidelity?  Fact is, I’m the protagonist…minus a few massive character flaws that leave me unable to commit to a relationship/not act like a tremendous douche.

But I have always, always been an audiophile.  Major life events are often filed away and categorized in my head by an accompanying playlist.  For example, when my late dad died, I listened to a lot of Johnny Cash (which the two of us used to listen to together as we prepared holiday feasts).  When I think about planning weddings, I think of Regina Spektor and Leigh Nash.

As a newlywed, the honeymoon period is still treacly and nauseating.  Let’s talk nookie songs.

Sure, you may like your Ginuwine or your Poison - or even your Celine Dion (no worries, we won’t judge…much) - but most of us have songs we attach to the concept of sex. 

Let’s get it on. (It gets raunchy after the break, so don’t click on the jump if you’re squeamish about Teh Sex or are a chirrint.)

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The Most Important Information Available To You

Dear Sir: I'm letting it go today. Love, Moran

Skimming Rainbow presents: Tempering Our Words

There is so much mocking that happens online. Too much exposure to it makes me sad and hopeless, because it seems like nobody will put down their weapons, even for a moment. We’re not content to be right; we have to tell people we’re right.

So this week Skimming Rainbow is going to do some positive, non-judgmental reporting. I’m consciously refraining from pointing my clack-clack finger at any crazy bitches, narcissistic turds, coked-out douchebags or hateful morans.  And it’s not because I’m trying to make some grand poignant statement. It’s because if I see one more example of it this week, I’m going to send the entire internet straight to its room. And no, it can’t go to Brandon’s party on Saturday, and no it can’t call Brandon to tell him it won’t be there - and no, I guess I don’t care about its problems, and I don’t want to hear another word about it. Serieses of tubes today! Swear. To. Gore.

According to the internet this week…

• The Dalai Lama is a breath of fresh air.
• Dean Cain looks very happy.
• John Mayer grew up to be an inventor.
• Vanessa Hudgens reacts appropriately to being viewed as an object.
• Jennifer Love Hewitt loves her boyfriend unconditionally.

…And how are you tempering your words this week, Squeeple?

How Did We Miss This Gem?

Imagine, you’re strolling around Windsor Castle, taking in all of the tea, crumpets and dental hygiene. You’re enjoying the spring air, the blooming buds and you smile, because after all, spring means love is all around (or is it Christmas that is all around?). This is apparently what went through one couple’s minds when they decided to totally do it on the Queen’s lawn! No joke. This couple, speculated to be in their early 30’s from their bouncing bare asses, were spotted engaging in 10-15 minutes of the dirty deed in broad daylight. It wasn’t until cops intervened that the two pulled-up-trou.

You have to wonder how people make decisions like these and think that they are brilliant ideas. I swear, with each passing day I consider changing forms just to escape the idiocy of humanity. Perhaps I will become a butterfly and conjure up the next flu. No one would ever suspect the butterfly…

No Regrets

Women are very sexual creatures. As a woman, I know this. Many of you, our readers, are women, so you probably know this as well. And for all you men, you have either been with women or know women, so you are most likely aware too. Anywhoozle, Lindsay Lohan, Anne Heche, Katy Perry, Cynthia Nixon, et. al, with their swip-swap-eroos and Kissed a Girls have now sparked a new line of research which has tried to uncover why women leave men for other women. Surprisingly, men having assholic and childish tendencies didn’t even make the cut! Hiyoooooooo!

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Achtung!

Madge and her latest boy toy are in W magazine. The toy in question is a Brazilian model named Jesus Luz.

I think the real question here is this. (more…)

Foreplay or Forewarning?

As humans, our methods of wooing and foreplay vary per individual but, as to be expected, wild animals tend to attract their mates adhering to a more consistent pattern. Rhinos, for instance, try to get their ladies interested through “head and genital butting.”

Wait, that’s not typical for people?? I knew that guy was weird…

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An Erection to Remember

Have you ever dreamed of visiting the Oval Office? Well, here’s a twist! Now you can have the president visit YOUR Oval Office!

No, we’re not kidding.  NSFW after the jump. (more…)

First Family Fancies Fisting, Fantasizes FoxNews

Listen here, lady.  I know you mean well.  You attempted to laud the Obamas as an example for married couples everywhere:

“They do a lot of touching, kissing, even fisting with one another.”  (Note the ebullient “I totally agree” off-camera laughter from the interviewer.  She seems to be saying: “Yeah, totally!  They do enjoy fisting!”)

No.  Just… no. (more…)