Doosh Thunderdome: It’s votin’ time.

So, whaddya reckon?

Rush Limbaugh?

I'm a doosh with a cigar!

Megan Fox?

I'm a doosh with a stupid tattoo!

Sarah Palin?

I'm a four-eyed doosh!

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SARAH PALIN: Doosh Dossier

This year has visited a groundswell of doosh upon the hapless heads of Hags and Squeeple alike. A torrential outpouring of vinegar so vast in scope and relentless in attack that it can relate to only this: the countless acts of dooshery, douchestacity, and douchebagelry with which we, in the People’s Republic of Thundersquee!, have been forced to reckon. It ain’t pretty people. We’ve had Kanye Interruptus; Carrie Preach-jean; Jon “Ed Hardy” Gosselin; Rush Oxylimbaugh; Glenn Crazy Eyes Beck; and the list goes on.

Here’s how it will work. For the next couple of weeks, we will recount some of the dooshes catalogued in our year-long category aptly titled “Doosh Watch 2009.” We will then pit the dooshes against each other in the Thunderdome. And you, dear squeeperson, will vote for your least favorite doosh, or-if you prefer a phrase more semantically accurate-the dooshiest doosh as between the dooshes.

Put on your protective goggles, squeeples. You do NOT want to look any of these dooshes in the eye.

So here’s what you do: Assess the dooshery based on our prior blog posts throughout the year and any independent knowledge you may have of a particular doosh’s dooshiness. And then vote! It’s as easy as saying… something that’s easy to say.

We will provide a doosh dossier on each of three Doosh of the Year Nominees throughout the day.  Then at the end of the day (8 p.m. PST-ish) that day, we will open the polls for voting. You vote for the dooshiest of the three. And at the end of the doosh round robin, we will pit our final three nominees against each other and award a Giant Bag of Doosh to our Douche of 2009.  Stay classy, squeeple!

First up are Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, and Megan Fox or as we at Thundersquee! like to call them, the Pig, the Lipstick, and the Pig in Lipstick.

Sarah Palin

(1)she believes in death panels–you betcha!;

(2) she doesn’t care about Asian people;

(3) she needs The Shat (Bill Shatner) to interpret her nonsense;

(4) she quit her job;

(5) she gets burned in effigy;

(6) her daughter’s baby daddy doesn’t like her;

(7) she has dumb supporters;

(8) she even pisses off Fox News!

And Lisa(#1) specifically, raises these doosh points:

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If you don’t think Sarah Palin is qualified to be President…then you’re probably gay.

You betcha!

Or at least according to the legions of whackos in the comments section of Free Republic.

The GOP has a problem… the howling and screaming coming from the most insanely neocon faction of its party is growing louder. That voice includes the mind-numbingly annoying shriek of Sarah Palin who, despite being totally incompetent, looks like a likely candidate for either the GOP or for some nascent Tea Party Party, even though members of her own party refuse to say out loud that she is qualified. It’s like saying “Bloody Mary” three times in front of a mirror; the likelihood is that nothing bad will happen, but it’s best to keep your yap trapped on the off chance you’ll turn around and find some crazy lady humming the Battle Hymn of the Republic while wielding a bloody knife rifle.

Last month Haley Barbour, Mississippi Governor and President of the Republican Governor’s Association wouldn’t/couldn’t say she was qualified. A couple days ago, House Minority Whip Eric Cantor also dodged the question.

People. SHE’S NOT QUALIFIED.

Here’s how the exchange should go when a question about Sarah Palin’s presidential qualifications is posed:

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Linky-loos you can use.

Ok, who is going to buy me a mini-piggy?  Because one of these fuckers needs to be bought, put in a walking harness, and given to me right ::stomps foot:: NOW.  Via Daily Candy.

Seriously, Sarah Palin chaps my ass.  She’s a hypocrite with a side of doosh.  First she claims that those who question Obama’s birth certificate have a point (are we seriously still talking about this Birther Bullshit?) but then takes to her Facebook page like some dildouchey teenager and says she never really said it at all.  Sarah? Please do us all a favor and consider dying in a fire. Thank you. Huffington Post.

IDK. LOL. WTF!?! FTW.  Lamebook.

Little Richard has always been insane - whoooooooooooooooooooooooo!  BoingBoing.

McG is ruining our lives.  He’s ruining the Terminator franchise which means he’s ruining Christian Bale’s life, and for that McG must die in a fire.  I hope Bill Murray pierces McG with a lance before McG kills us all.  We don’t need 6 mothertruckin’ Terminator movies!  Stop it!  STOPTHEMADNESS!  (See what I did there?)   Pajiba.

UAE has been experiencing a downturn in heretofore ever-expanding economy.  Their solution?  Giant. LED. Phallus.  Gizmodo.

Make sure you are current!  Here is a decade of hipster evolution so you know if you’re passe.  Paste.

Man, I loves me some Jason Segel.  And now he’s gone and stuck his fuckstick in no man’s land.  And by “no man’s land” I mean “Lindsay Lohan’s lady cavern.”   (Yes, it’s normally “ladyhole” but that seems semantically incorrect when one is talking about that dirty Hohan.  Silly squeeple; you thought I’d make a sapphic joke.  I’m bobbing and weaving, squeeps.  Expect the unexpected.)  Litely Salted.

Tiger Woods was spreading his seed hither and yon with as many as nine women. NINE TIMES.  NINE.  (That’s a Bueller reference for all you noobs and/or whippersnappers.)  The Superficial.

If Katy Perry and Russell Brand have kids, I am pretty sure they would create some super-beast of annoying-ness (uh-huh, so too a word).  All I am saying is, let’s hope there are no buns in said oven until 2012 is firmly passed.  I’m Not Obsessed.

Continues to suck.

Sam Tanenhaus’s review of Sarah Palin’s book Going Rogue is worth a read.  Buried in his review in the New Yorker (soooooo deliciously elitist), one can find this crispy fried morsel of WTF:

Palin, though notoriously ill-travelled outside the United States, did journey far to the first of the four colleges she attended, in Hawaii. She and a friend who went with her lasted only one semester. “Hawaii was a little too perfect,” Palin writes. “Perpetual sunshine isn’t necessarily conducive to serious academics for eighteen-year-old Alaska girls.” Perhaps not. But Palin’s father, Chuck Heath, gave a different account to [Scott] Conroy and [Shushannah] Walshe [authors of 'Sarah From Alaska']. According to him, the presence of so many Asians and Pacific Islanders made her uncomfortable: “They were a minority type thing and it wasn’t glamorous, so she came home.”

Words can’t describe the degree to which this woman chaps my ass.

In Related News, It WAS Opposite Day.

First, Fox News was so embarrassed by Palin’s stupidity that they had to correct her about her deliciously asinine assumption that Obama is in charge of whether or not there’s God-stuff on our coins. Then on Friday night, Bill O’Reilly asked her questions that I’m pretty sure left her wishing she were being interviewed by Katie Couric. And no, I am not making this up.

O’Reilly: You pointed out his [Obama's] lack of experience — you don’t have that much experience. You walked away from the governorship after, what, two years? Two and a half years?

Palin: Going into my lame-duck session — my fourth legislative session — and not wanting to put Alaskans through a lame-duck session –

O’Reilly: OK, but is it fair for you to criticize Obama’s lack of experience when somebody could make the same criticism about you on the national stage.

Palin: If you’re talking about executive experience, I would put my experience up against his any day of the week. I have been elected to local office since 1992, and was a city manager, strong-mayor form of government, was a chief executive of the state, and was an oil and gas regulator. There was some good experience there that could have been put to use in a vice presidential ticket. We’ve to remember too that I wasn’t running for president.

O’Reilly: No, but that’s the key question. Because John McCain is up there in years, you had to be qualified to take that office over.

Palin: Right. But I — I’m saying I was running for vice president, just like Joe Biden had been running for vice president. I never once heard you or anybody else question Joe Biden and his experience.

O’Reilly: Well, he’s got a lot of experience.

Now, I should point out that I saw (and by “saw,” I mean “did a bunch of other stuff while this interview blathered on in the background”) the rest of this interview, and he’s mostly kissing her ass and trying to make out with her the rest of the time, as per his contract with Mr. Murdoch. And I’m pretty sure these are the hardest questions she’s been - or will be - asked while on her book tour. But STILL, y’all! Color me “well, THAT was unexpected.”

Liberal Media pulls a Katie Couric and asks for examples.

Hot damn, Gotcha Journalism in the mall, y’all!

“You get a sense of Sarah Palin’s supporters here.  They feel a connection with Sarah Palin.  They can’t be specific in some cases about the issues…” 

Was that a fabeled double-snap?  I think it was; clearly Nora O’Donnell studied under a Snap Master.

To be fair I don’t think many people know the difference between the bail-out and the stimulus package?  Maybe?  Ok, how about, to be fair I think that most people think politicians are about tearing down, rather than upholding the Constitution.  No?  What about, most people think that Palin is a real person, as opposed to, you know, a robot.  Yep, that one works.

Yep, still glad I voted for Obama.  You betcha.

Palin was shilling her conspiracy theories - you know when she asks a ridiculous rhetorical question, her I’m-not-saying-I’m-just-saying approach to politics - and got called out by Fox.  Woah.  Hey P-dog, sanity, ur doin it rong.

And We Will All Throw Up In Our Collective Mouths

For serious, y’all.  If you hadn’t heard, Levi Johnston is going full frontal for Playgirl magazine.  And not only that, he’s already getting awards for it:

To recognize Johnston’s status as “biggest pop culture star turned sex star,” adult website Fleshbot will present Johnston with a Crossover Star award at its first annual Fleshbot Awards

For those who don’t know, Levi Johnston is the dude who knocked up Sarah Palin’s teenage daughter Bristol.  They were engaged for a hot minute before they called it quits.  So, he was almost the Vice-Presidential son-in-law and now he’s going to be dangling his man parts for all the world to see.  Um… awesome?

I don’t know how I feel about this.  Johnston has been engaging in a very public war of words with Sarah Palin, talking about how he has so much dirt on her that she wouldn’t want the public to know, like how she calls her Down’s Syndrome baby “retarded.”   Palin, of course, is firing back talking about how he’s a famewhore and will say anything for attention.  Pot?  Meet kettle.  You’re both black.

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A lie by any other name would still smell like bullshit.

When I first heard about the “death panels” I thought, “sweet, I’m going to apply for that, it will be just like gladiator!” Damn you Sarah Palin, for getting my hopes up. You see, she has been spreading this awesome rumor that the old and infirm would have to stand before a “death panel so (President Obama’s) bureaucrats can decide…whether they are worthy of health care.”  Unfortunately there are to be no death panels and I am out one sweet job.  I mean, can you imagine all the perks and fruit baskets you’d get as a member of this elite group of bureaucrats? I’m talking about pineapple every dang day.  Instead, the bill calls for reimbursing a doctor for patient driven consultations about end-of-life care.  So, basically, if you go, “hey doc, if I have cancer, maybe we should stop treatment if after a year nothing is helping,” or, “don’t you dare do anything, doc, you can pry my life from my cold, dead hands,” your doctor could go ahead and super size his lunch.  Every five years.  So, how is planning for the future a bad thing?  Well, given the Republicans’ track record on wartime spending and exit strategies it seems like is it less of a bad thing and more a fear of the unknown.

Sprekin the Anglais, Sarah!

It Takes TWO (count ‘em) TWO geniuses, for an ordinary person to understand her ramblings. At least, through her interpreters,  she finally makes sense.

Editor’s Note: The video is not  loading properly, so go here, to watch it. You really should. It’s brilliant.

One of them doesn’t take it too well…

Bristol Palin’s baby daddy Levi Johnston is talking about Sarah Palin’s decision to resign as governor of Alaska. Levi and the Palin family have had a not so friendly relationship ever since he and Bristol called off their sham of an engagement. I can’t imagine his statements here will do anything to ease that.

Johnston claims to have overheard Sarah talking about how she would like to cash in on her new found fame with all the offers coming in including a possible reality show and a book.

“She had talked about how nice it would be to take some of this money people had been offering us and you know just run with it, say ‘forget everything else,’” he said. Adding, “I think the big deal was the book. That was millions of dollars.”

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For the Good of the People

Sarah Palin has decided to step down as the Governor of Alaska to save the state all the money it is spending on investigating her for ethics violations. She has also stated that she doesn’t want to be a “lame duck” and that “one term was enough”. Please watch this video while I go look for my soap box.

OK, I’m back.

Boy, where to start. As many of you know, I am extremely liberal. On most issues I’m so far to the left that I start to wrap back around. I’m so far left when I stick my head out my door I can see Rush Limbaugh’s house. Right now he is relaxing by his pool, popping drugs by the handful and sporting a Speedo, it’s not a pretty sight. Oh wait, I’m sorry. Rush isn’t popping drugs, he’s taking his “prescription”.

Back to Sarah. Lets talk about “One term being enough”. She was elected in 2006. Took office in January of 2007. She spent around four months running for Vice President. And now has retired with a year and a half to go on her term. Maybe my math is off, but in the two and a half years as Governor of Alaska she was only really there for about two years worth of work. I know some people will say while she was running for V.P. she was still doing her work as Governor and that is kind of true. Let’s be honest, in those months she was running for V.P. all of her attention was focused on winning and getting the hell out of Alaska. How can she claim one term was enough when she BARELY completed HALF of her first term as Governor?

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Take a moment to get over the shock

Levi’s sister Mercedes talked to Star Magazine saying that Bristol Palin and her mother were to blame for the break-up.

“Levi tries to see Tripp every single day, but Bristol makes it nearly impossible,” Mercedes Johnston told Star Magazine.

“She tells him he can’t take the baby to our house because she doesn’t want him around ‘white trash’. The worst part, Ms Johnston tells the magazine, is that Governor Palin supports her daughter’s treatment of Mr. Johnston.

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Belongs to a 13 Year-Old

Honestly, GOP?  You’re ridiculous.  First, you pluck Sarah Palin, wolf huntress, and wink enthusiast out of obscurity and foist her upon the American public, hoping that the mere fact that she has a vagina would be enough to snag the Clinton vote away from Obama.

Then, after being thoroughly trounced in the election–you lost Indiana, for the love of croutons– you anoint Rush Limbaugh, the gassiest of gasbags, your leader, who, after stating back in January that he hopes that Obama fails, doubled down on the bullshit and restated the point last week at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC).

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Thar She Blows

Last week, in his animatronic Republican response to President Obama’s address to Congress, Bobby Jindal criticized Obama for the $140 million appropriation for volcano monitoring, stating “Instead of monitoring volcanoes, what Congress should be monitoring is the eruption of spending in Washington.”

When reached for comment, one Mt. St Helens eruption survivor spat ashes and exclaimed, “What a waste of taxpayer dollars!”

In totally unrelated news, reports that Mount Redoubt volcano in Alaska (home to wolf huntress, Sarah Palin), is about to blow make us ambivalent.

But what I really want to do is dance.

Sarah Palin is either attending the Alfalfa Club Annual Banquet in Washington, D.C., or arriving for her shift at the Spearmint Rhino.

I hear she has quite the pole routine worked out for the song Every Rose has Its Thorn.

Now if you will excuse me, I need to get some single dollar bills.

Better Uses for the Sarah Palin Effigy

Ladies and gentlemen, it has finally happened: someone bought the Sarah Palin effigy. And get this, they’re not even happy about it. After paying roughly $2,200 for what is easily the most prized piece of electoral memorabilia this side of Y2K, the buyer is experiencing a little remorse. Apparently this politically-involved, wealthy moron wasn’t aware that effigies are generally not used as promotional material. That’s right, he thought it was a pro-Palin effigy (probably before he discovered the noose!). So, now that his idol has proven to be closer to a giant voodoo doll, he’s going to have to reconsider its purpose. I can see how this would be disconcerting. So, in the spirit of friendship, I’d like to offer these alternative uses. (more…)