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I really thought they would die together.

Skimming Rainbow Presents: Teams

Being part of a team is an interesting alternative to accomplishing things alone. It isn’t always easy, nor does it always turn out to be right. But when you get just the right group, it can be amazing. Being an island is a little overrated. So team up! Maybe you’ll find yourself a little bit stronger, and your resources a little bit wider.

According to the internet this week…

• I hate that Jon and Hailey are officially over. I was so looking forward to seeing them next season on Tool Academy. Jon had already nailed the “Let me prove myself” speech.
• A bunch of kids formed a gang that successfully robbed celebrity houses.
• Ten pitchers (like for drinks) got together to make me suddenly feel like I really need a pitcher.
• Get one-upped until you feel so outranked that you need to validate your tastes by falling in love with someone at this hipster-only dating site.
• These young rappers would have fared better if they started their order with “two all beef patties.” McDonalds isn’t so into originality.
• Lindsay and Dina have joined forces against (the absolutely terrifying TMIMO) Michael Lohan. I guess a brush with the barrel of a water gun makes a woman re-prioritize.

…And who’s on your team this week, Squeeple?

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Skimming Rainbow Presents: Costumes

Happy Halloween, Squeeple! I look forward to Halloween all year. For 2 years I’ve been planning to dress as a 40’s pinup, but I never gather the actual items for the costume. Then I forget to make Halloween plans, and I end up drawing a dot on my nose and whiskers on my cheeks, and hanging out at home in my pajamas. It sounds sad but it’s fine - I will do something along those lines on Valentine’s Day too. It’s my system.

Yesterday I said that there would be new information about the pro-ana lifestyle in today’s Skimming Rainbow. I had a lot more to say about it than I realized, and I could give myself a heart attack thinking about it. I’m just going to link this page and let you hash it out.

Ok, come up to the leaaab, and see what’s on the sleaaab. According to the internet this week…

• Elvira. She’s still alive, she looks fabulous, and she’s dressed like a writer.
• There is no excuse - ever - for a Teen Sexy Costumes section. But young girls’ Halloween costumes are pretty much a guaranteed source for flat out wrong anyway.
• When you tote your children around Alabama, a cardboard box is not a good substitute for a child car seat. (Not even if you decorate it to look like one.)
• For your everyday costumes, these shoes are HOT and CHEAP. Just like I like my coffee.
• Please, for the love of god, someone make a hat out of these two signs and go as Peaches Geldof.
• OK, are these two going as some kind of Before-And-After Self-Esteem act?
• You don’t have to be racist to dress as a historic Native American. You may pull off the look better if you’re transgender. (This gets the premature award for coolest shit I heard all week.)
• Keanu Reeves knows about costumes. He’s been rocking them for centuries.
• Some people like to go the glam, sexy route for Halloween.
• Others prefer a futuristic, catastrophic prophecy theme.
• You could even go for the grotesque, Monique’s Mother look and dress as Cindy Crawford.
• My computer screen is going to be dressed as this site for Halloween, because I can’t click away.

…And what are your costumes, Squeeple?

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Skimming Rainbow Presents: Therapy

Squeeps, it’s been a little lonely around here lately. Several of our regulars are all out at the same time, but not to worry - they just ran down to the Jet-Pep for half sandwiches and they’ll be right back. This week in the comments sections we’ve been talking about purpose and success. It’s hard to find your way out there, but it’s easy to find people who can relate to that struggle. I’d like to offer some real help or empathy, but this is a feature where I show you links, so that’s what I’m going to do.

According to the internet this week…

Does life ever feel pointlessly repetetive? Has even the best wisdom stopped making sense? Do you sometimes consider returning to your roots? Do the things you once loved now seem tarnished?

I know how you feel. But the cold hard truth is that many good things are in store for you. That’s not negotiable. Life often brings possibility if you’re lucky, but where promise is concerned, there is no luck necessary. I dare you to imagine the rest of your life unfolding without promise. It won’t happen. Good things are coming.

For instance, you can still fulfill dreams you thought had long since become impossible. I can guarantee you’re already more memorable than lots of very popular people. And you’re already more popular than lots of very memorable people. You’re making good decisions and at the very least, you are avoiding doing your absolute worst. Having a unique skill set may just lead you to your niche. We’re all figuring it out together, and for all the confusion and disappointment, there’s something to be said for not truly being alone after all.

…And what’s been therapeutic for you this week, Squeeple?

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Skimming Rainbow Presents: Sleep Deprivation

Insomnia. I has it. There’s no theme this time. I’m just lucky to be writing coherent English words and phrases.

Also, I can tell I’m sleep deprived because I’m hallucinating. Unless you mean to tell me that Jeff Dunham actually did add a black puppet to his unfunny and racist act, a sweet little hag-in-training/squeer-to-be actually fell for her gay prom date on Dallas Divas and Daughters (happens to the best of us), they really did start airing DJ AM’s drug intervention show (it’s very good, I just didn’t think it would be aired this soon), the Bible actually learned how to smize, and I really did publish an epic run-on sentence full of links (self-referential jokes are so hot right now).

According to the internet over the weekend…

• Seriously Ralph Lauren. Phoning it in is a LOT easier than you’re making it.
• Stephanie Pratt got a DUI. Oh and she looks exactly like Miss Piggy in this picture. Who could be sneaking her that muppet eyeshadow? Okay?
• Do you ever wish your facebook friends could get their shit together already and write a collaborative rap about Balloon Boy on your status message?
• How one would find the time to make this costume for a baby, and be keeping an actual baby alive in the meantime, is beyond my grasp.
• I downloaded some BSB over the weekend thanks to Thundersquee!’s Infinite Playlist. I’m guessing these people did too. That or they, too, are sleep deprived. Nobody listens to this song anymore anyway, because it makes everyone think of Burger King.
• List of 11 eco-friendly wob wob wob, wob wob cool looking fire pictures!
• Aw. Jessica Simpson is thrashing about in my heart-places. “I will never understand why people attack for a laugh. Own your beauty and don’t listen to the judgement.”
• I ran across a slideshow of Geogia O’Keeffe’s “other work” this weekend. It is breathtaking. And I see penises. What! I do! I think there are penises in these pictures.

…And what were your nights like over the weekend, Squeeple?

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This is inexplicably hilarious to me. I think the clincher is his "uh-oh" look.

Skimming Rainbow Presents: Health Food

According to the internet this week…

• I’m confused. Apple thinks they own all renderings of apples?
• This is my long-heralded signature spicy chicken soup - if my signature said “Catherine.” It’s expensive to make, but it lasts for days - so don’t tarnish Catherine’s reputation by skimping on parsley.
• You know who is a fruit? The guy who left a weather balloon with his kids. Can someone explain why the kid responded to his dad with “you said that we did this for a show“? And is it just me, or does the balloon boy look like Tila Tequila? (MG Refugees: This links to Whitney’s current gig.)
• My grandmother used to take the PEP pills from one of these ads, and she shared some with me as a child. They tasted like vitamin C.
• This thunderdome of Feministing vs. Jezebel is bananas.

…And what’s your most indispensable health food, Squeeple?

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Not what we meant by Hedgie-O's, but er, um... don't get out of that spoon just yet.

Skimming Rainbow Presents: Wedding Requirements

According to the internet over the weekend…

• Something borrowed: Commenters say kidnapping hedgies is illegal in the UK - even if they are “the latest must-have mini-pet.”
• Something blue: The new Doctor Who logo.
• Something old: Health care imma let you finish but school integration was the best socialism of all time.
• Something new: What a tweest! Offbeat brides show off their creativity.
• The officiant: Who knew the FTC gave a crap about blog reviews?
• The flower girl: She’s so precious - hang on, I have to facebook this!
• New lingerie: A live-script “super-intelligent” typeface at Underware for my fellow font geeks.
• The drunken reception toast: You guys are like, infinitely in love, and but like you can’t be really because you’re totally like, not infinite though? But it’s really congratulations and everything with this wedding and all and you guys deserve it. Woohoo! Oh my god there are so many happy people here but I’m so alone! (Hat tip to Addicted to Addiction for getting me started on this topic.)

…And what are your wedding requirements, Squeeple?

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Yes, Facebook - it's very, very wrong.

Skimming Rainbow presents: Jabberwocky

(With apologies to Lily the Pink who - like Carroll -  finds portmanteaus outgrabe.)

• It was so hard trying to pick the most manxome edition of Auto-Tune The News to link for you. (Callay to jables for the tip!)
• Frabjous! Lots of celebs are anti-rape-rape and anti-rape! The list is also full of beamish links.
• People are galumphing out to symbolically rebury Edgar Allen Poe. I’ll do a symbolic shot of absinthe in his honor and hope it doesn’t make me burble.
• They say people eventually start to resemble their spouses, but I bet J.Lo didn’t anticipate how frumious Marc’s eyes would look on her. I also bet Marc is already accusing the nanny of stealing his face-hollowing supplements.
• Here are a few uffish thoughts to help you figure out what magazine cover headlines really mean.
• We’re also learning about new and vorpal things on Wikipedia.

…And what’s going snicker-snack with you this week, Bandersnatches?

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This beard is not new, but it is random, and this man might be a feminist.

Skimming Rainbow presents a 3-part epic: New, Random, and Feminist

**Some of these links are NSFW, depending on where you W.**

According to the internet this week…

New:

• Hair worth judging is at Don’t Judge My Hair.
• Weird weddings are at Wedinator.
• Life hacks are at (the now defunkt, but still useful) Everyday Loopholes.
• Fun trivia is at Learn Something Every Day.
• Questionable crafts are at Regretsy (I need to own this, and Miss Sands wants this seahorse seahell for Christmas.)

Random:

• Pot Psychology’s videos always make me laugh so here’s a link to the whole lot of them.
• Polanksi case’s prosecutor lied about the judge reneging.
• The Frisky introduces a bra for your face.
• Finally, lipliner that makes sense.
• What’s worse for this child: What’s happening in the picture, or the fact that it’s on the internet?

Feminist:

• Laws and consequences have gotten rid of these commercials, but those commercials haven’t been replaced with much better.
• Some models look like this after a few terrifying brushstrokes. (That face!)
• Other models look like this. This one wrote a book.
• Some people find all these situations problematic. Reuters considers it “odd.”

Excerpt: “The contest is a forum where women are used by companies to popularize and sell their products,” said Manu Humagain, head of an anti-pageant Maoist panel. “It is a blow to the dignity of the women. We oppose it.”

• If you haven’t had a heart attack from anger yet, you’re probably healthier than I am. Here’s another one.
• And finally, a verbalization of a few basics.

…And what’s new, random and feminist with you this week, Squeeple?

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...Aaaand that's how this is going to play out. Oh and Kate? By the time everyone realizes we were perfect for each other, I'll be long gone.

Skimming Rainbow presents: Putting Words In Your Mouth

According to the internet this week…

• Jon Gosselin: “For the record, when I did it, it wasn’t exploitation-exploitation. Because I was profiting.”  Runner-up: “The only thing more convenient than my morals are these lovely Ed Hardy tampons and douches. Look for my face on the box, only at Target.”
• Kristin Cavallari: “Originality isn’t really his bag. I mean, did you see that one tattoo?”
• Shakira: “I left Spain for this? I had a real career and everything!”
• Kim Zolciak: “I try to add symmables to wrods because it creationates a smartical feeling in me thinks.”
• The Angry Black Lady: “Oh, for fuck’s sake.”
• Katie Holmes: “Arch support?? Don’t let me hear you say those words again. Now hurry, why are you walking like that?”
• Paris Hilton: “Everyone else is criticizing my top, but Sar wants to buy one. Suck it, haters.”
  

…And what words are being put in your mouth this week, Squeeple?

Because, as Sar points out, “Ok, nothing is this cute. COME ON.”

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Let the cut-downs begin!

Skimming Rainbow presents: Uncensored Hostility

Because I’m back, bidges. And I’ve got red wine going down the gullet (I care about my health!) and PMS coming out the wazoo. I’ve gained 27 pounds in 3 days and I’ve got nothing to lose but more of my Twizzlers budget.

According to the internet this week…

• Not content with textsfromlastnight and fmylife, useless teenage twits have found a new acronym to help them gloat about it online. These sites read more and more like confession letters from death row inmates.
• Some gorgeous ass bag married Justin Guarini, the man who I one day hoped to fashion into my own secretly gay husband.
• So, it’s only been one bullet point since we last talked about it but I’m still pissed about what happened with Justin Guarini. I’ll be damned if I let anyone take Rob Huebel away from me. I love him because his vagina is Rick Dees-ulous, and everyone knows that’s how you know it’s true love.
• The USA has had some shitty sexist laws, some of which are still in place. I’m so mad I could try on a hat.
• Speaking of, did anyone notice that when they called an event “Power of Women” the attendees suddenly decided not to dress like strippers? Do we have to label famous women “powerful” and throw luncheons to get them in pantsuits? And if they think modest dresses and colorful pantsuits reflect power, what the hell is all this about in the first place? Why can’t we all just dress like Claire Huxtable and call it a day?
• I don’t know who Eli Roth is, but he’s aces in my book. It’s not so much the blueberry seduction as his kick-adze statement that followed.
• Random: I didn’t know this field of study existed and I think it’s tastier than 3 ham hocks on a donut. There you go Kitchen Bitch, that’s one to try!

…OK Squeeple. I have no patience for niceties. Hand over your uncensored nonsense!

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Dear Sir: I'm letting it go today. Love, Moran

Skimming Rainbow presents: Tempering Our Words

There is so much mocking that happens online. Too much exposure to it makes me sad and hopeless, because it seems like nobody will put down their weapons, even for a moment. We’re not content to be right; we have to tell people we’re right.

So this week Skimming Rainbow is going to do some positive, non-judgmental reporting. I’m consciously refraining from pointing my clack-clack finger at any crazy bitches, narcissistic turds, coked-out douchebags or hateful morans.  And it’s not because I’m trying to make some grand poignant statement. It’s because if I see one more example of it this week, I’m going to send the entire internet straight to its room. And no, it can’t go to Brandon’s party on Saturday, and no it can’t call Brandon to tell him it won’t be there - and no, I guess I don’t care about its problems, and I don’t want to hear another word about it. Serieses of tubes today! Swear. To. Gore.

According to the internet this week…

• The Dalai Lama is a breath of fresh air.
• Dean Cain looks very happy.
• John Mayer grew up to be an inventor.
• Vanessa Hudgens reacts appropriately to being viewed as an object.
• Jennifer Love Hewitt loves her boyfriend unconditionally.

…And how are you tempering your words this week, Squeeple?

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This is how to Oops with your eyes.

This feature took a sick day last week while I was under the weather. I returned to the internet to find that I wasn’t the only one who had been sick.

Skimming Rainbow presents: Sickness

• Tyra Banks Show producers are accused of directing a guest to make racist remarks. This item counts because Tyra’s ego reminds me of a disease.
• Has anyone noticed hip hop’s disgusting ass rash? Wait, I mean rash of ass.
• Fashion barfed all over my computer screen.
• Khloe Kardashian’s getting married to her boyfriend of one month. Someone’s about to get a surprise case of the Ohh God What The Hell Did I Dos.
• Bill Maher is the sickest person on today’s list for “jokingly” blaming the victim. LOL!!1! (For the record, Bill: It’s probably illegal to employ children as professional joke writers.)

…And what kind of sickness is on your minds this week, Squeeple?

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No, hes waving at me, Stan. I'm the hot one. Everybody thinks so! Just hand me an Altoid already and shut up. And don't act too statue-y, you look desperate.

Skimming Rainbow presents: Doing the Right Thing

According to the internet this week…

• Eddie Izzard kept his word and ran 43 marathons in under 2 months, despite Lily the Pink’s correct observation that he had lost his damn mind.
• Kate Gosselin made the best of her otherwise emo hair situation.
• Michelle Williams used respect and discretion when giving interviews about Heath Ledger.
• Michael Moore decided to try a subtler approach to filmmaking.
• Social scientists addressed the practice of marketing directly to kids.

…and how are you doing the right thing lately, Squeeple?

Lies I Tell Myself

You may recall that several days ago, stopthemadness posted an article about Gertude Baines’s death at 115 years old.

Gertrude attributed her long life to God and being a totally boring prude who wasn’t down and couldn’t party.

After I read this, I went in search of a different sort of old person who might help me justify my occasional bad habits. I didn’t have to look far.

The Daily Mail - generally a popular source of needless panic attacks and fabricated sob stories - announced that Winne Langley has finally kicked her lifelong smoking habit at 102 years old.

The article says she’s been smoking for 95 years. I wasn’t even allowed to use matches when I was 7, but I’m suspending my disbelief.

Smoking is bad. It kills people. But it didn’t kill Winne Langley. As a matter of fact, now that she’s quitting, I’ll bet she’s dead within 10 years. How’s that for a cause of death!

I apologize to those of you who have personal experience with the damage that smoking can do. If you want to take it up with me, I’ll be out on the back deck with the rest of the bad crowd, smoking, drinking and fooling around.

Sar's real grandma actually seemed this persnickety when Sar was eight.

I can’t think of a better day than TheHobo’s birthday for this coincidence. Yesterday was Roald Dahl Day, which I’ll bet you didn’t know existed.

Roald Dahl’s writings helped shape my childhood, and I’m sure I’m not the only squee-gee (talkin it up!) who can say that.  My favorite was George’s Marvelous Medicine, which I read until the book wore out.

In honor of Roald Dahl Day, here’s a quick list of some of my most memorable childhood reads (and links to the ones with text on Google books).

• George’s Marvelous Medicine by Roald Dahl
• What’s the Matter with Herbie Jones by Suzy Kline (She also wrote a warm response to a fan e-mail I sent her a few years ago.)
• Beezus and Ramona by Beverly Cleary
• Be a Perfect Person in Just Three Days by Stephen Mane
• Wayside School is Falling Down by Louis Sachar
• The Best Christmas Pageant Ever by Barbara Robinson

What are your most memorable childhood books, Squeeple?

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Sar's real grandmother is actually this cool, minus the cuss.

Skimming Rainbow Presents: Things My Grandma Told Me

According to the internet this week…

• Children are smarter than you might give them credit for. They are a bunch of racist bastards.
• Motherhood is the ultimate sacrifice.  The last thing you need on top of it is some rugrat hogging your birthday spotlight.
• It could always be worse. You could be named Titswillow.
• Skin color does not matter. Oh except in your case, Beyonce. You’ll never get it right.
• Don’t mess with Texas. Oh wait, that wasn’t grandma. That was an ad campaign.
• Love doesn’t care who you are. It might care about your permanent record though.

…What did your grandmother tell you, Squeeple?

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I drink the potion from Death Becomes Her and now I coochie coochie forever!

Skimming Rainbow Presents: How I Spent My Labor Day Weekend

• Charo: I yam estremly honor doobie at de tellehlo yearly leweh two touson nine! (Translation: I humped an innocent lady at 4:02.)

• Kim Kardashian: I finally located and secured the one celebrity friend who makes me look interesting? We do our makeup together for hours and hours?

• Judge Judy: David Hasselhoff peed on my leg and told me it’s raining.  Judges have to be able to uphold the law that they enforce. Do you see where I’m going with this, Hoff?

• Jesus: My child, I washed and buffed my sweet Escalade.

• WTF!?: I hung out with Kirsten Dunst in Japan. (Later we went out for drinks with O Noes! and Wharrgarbl, but as you might have guessed, Wharrgarbl got us kicked out everywhere we went.)

• Maggie Gyllenhaal: I talked about the paparazzi and walked around dressed as the love child of Diane Keaton and a flapper. Again.

• Mangled Old Barbie: I’ve been pretty depressed since Sar gave me that makeover with her Fiskars. So to make myself feel better, I donated my hair to Lady Gaga.

…And how did you spend your Labor Day, Squeeple?

Oh Just Take My Word For It Already, You Were Going To Anyway.

No, Skimming Rainbow is not the latest thrill available on the Craigslist casual encounters board. (Except if you like doing it in the bookstore.)  It’s just what I’m calling this roundup of links from the week. Now that Reading Rainbow is off the air, this is the most important literature available to you.

Making it work, Weekend-At-Bernie's style.

According to the rest of the internet this week:

• Project Runway sucked this week.
• Woody Harrelson (stop yawning and read) smokes pot and justifies his drug use with our drug use. JNLYBJJ. (Judge not lest ye be Judge Judy, © stopthemadness)
• Spencer Pratt committed the unpardonable doosh. So doom! (Just in case he wasn’t already going to hell for this comment.)
• Gerard Butler refuses to make any films he’ll be remembered for.
• The Real Housewives of New Jersey’s Danielle Staub is selling her house in glamorous Wayne, NJ: Home of the Chinese restaurant where I used to get drunk.
• Am I the only one who didn’t realize Janet and Jermaine had broken up?
• An X-Factor reject got plastic surgery after being criticized once by Simon Cowell, which begs the question, why exactly did she think she was ready to be famous?

P.S. Happy Labor Day!

or you’ll get a Bud Light to the face…

Wait, is that a bad thing…???