I’m sorry but if I saw this coming at me on a dark night in an Applebee’s parking lot, I’d brick it in the face and ask questions later. I guess Leighton Meester learned to put makeup on at clown college.

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Linky-loos you can use.

The man responsible for all of Michael Jackson’s fuckeduppedness (what, it’s a word!) is really itching to get his hands on MJ’s estate.   Joe Jackson is approximately one unit dooshier than Jon Gosselin.  D Listed.

Some adult filmmaker dooshbag is planning to make a movie about the kidnap, rape, and 18 year long captivity of Jaycee Dugard.   First, sports dooshbags mocking  her, and now this?  Shane Ryan, the doosh in question is currently filming Abducted Girl: An American Sex Slave. Sarah’s vagina is pissed, y’all.  Mercury News.

Rosie and Natasha.  Oh my heck.  These are some of the scariest photos ever to be burned into my eyeholes.  D Listed.

Angelina Jolie’s face is blowing up the Internet.  Who is Salt?  And more importantly, is she Sea or Kosher?  Defamer.

Lindsay Lohan freaked the fuck out last night at an opening for Pascal Mouawad’s new watch line at Kitson in Los Angeles.  Apparently Pascal said she could have $500 worth of free shit.  Lindsay ran around the store stuffing goodies into her nether regions and tried to walk out with $15,000 worth of free shit.  When she was told to slow her roll, Lindsay had a temper tantrum.   Ultimately, she was permitted to walk away with $2,000 worth of free shit.  Ding dang, y’all.  I live ten minutes from Kitson, and honestly, squeeps, I don’t get what the big deal is.  They sell crap, crap, and more crap.  To Lindsay’s credit, $2,000 worth of free crap from Kitson probably amounts to a t shirt and one sock, and, dagnabbit, she knows her crazy ass is worth at least a complete pair of socks.  Celebitchy.

Chris friggin’ Brown.  You are outdooshing both Joe Jackson AND Jon Gosselin.  Now make like Joey Gladstone and Cut.It.Out.  Celebitchy.

Any Ryan Reynolds news is good Ryan Reynolds news.  Even when it’s potentially bad Ryan Reynolds news.  Pajiba.

Rihanna is a hot drunk mess.  Judge not lest ye be Judge Judy.  Bossip.

Are you ready to break up with Obama?  It’s been ten months.  His “First Hundred Days” have come and gone.  One blogger explains why she’s still in love.  Fierce and Nerdy.

That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout, squeepersons!

When it comes to the cute and wholesomeness scale, Taylor Swift ranks as follows. Puppies and kittens, Taylor Swift, babies dressed as puppies and kittens. Maybe she is just too nice to say no, but she really should have passed on this photo op. Hey Romeo, stay away from Juliet.

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The next day Billy Ray and Miley got a hand delivered invitation to Hulk Hogan's Daddy-Daughter dance. This years theme is "A Night to Remember." Other guest attending will be Papa Joe Simpson with Jessica and Ashlee, Michael and Lindsay Lohan, and Ryan and Tatum O' Neal.

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Children Edition

Children. I really fucking hate children. I like my niece, she’s 12. And I’ve always liked her because she has always been (albeit shockingly) well mannered and courteous growing up, considering her mom and dad (my brother) are a bunch of divorced fucking idiots. I like my kid, but then again that could be because I gave her up for (open) adoption at birth. She may very well be an asshole. She is my kid after all, but I digress.

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Rosie O takes time out of her day to mine for nose goblins. Such a lady, I swear she pisses klass.

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Cupcakes Edition

Cupcakes. I hate them more than anything ever created. I hate them more than pollution, traffic jams, Rosie O’ Donnell, even more than the New York Yankees.  They are my arch nemeses. Now you may be wondering, “Why Mae? How can you not love cupcakes? They’re gooey, cute and sweet confectionary goodness.” Well, that’s why I hate them.

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Jessica Simpson Ain’t Fat—She Just Gets Dressed in the Dark

E! Television is criticizing Jessica Simpson for her new “beefed up bod.”  First, awesome alliteration aside, this phrase “beefed up”— I do not think it means what you think it means.

Second? Jessica Simpson is a lot of things–vacuous, a painfully bad actress, tragic in a spectacularly Shakespearean manner–but fat is not one of them.  I mean, damn, yo!  E! Television can’t be running out of fodder for its criticisms, so what happened?   Has the mind-numbing stupidity of Debbie Matenopoulos gone viral, barreling unchecked through the E! Television newsroom like Rosie O’Donnell through a cupcake store? (more…)

I realize that the economy is in the shitter right now, and that variety shows are cheap n’ easy to produce for the networks. However, I would like to remind Fox and CBS of the abysmal failure of Rosie O’Donnell’s variety show that lasted for exactly one gastrointestinally-distressful episode.

Please rethink the launching of an Osbourne Family (Fox) and/or John Mayer (CBS) variety show. (more…)