Personally, I think Barack the Magic Negro is catchier

Matt Fox and AJ Rice, a couple class A dillholes posted the following over at Human Events, a website which touts itself as the “Headquarters for the Conservative Underground”:

Illegals in my yard.
Illegals in my yard.
Illegals in my yard.
Sixteen arrive in a stolen car[...]

They’re getting free organ transplants this Christmas.
They’re going to have anchor babies this Christmas.
They’re going to scream “sí, se puede” this Christmas.
Those illegals in my yard[...]

They’re going to spread bubonic plague this Christmas.
They’re going to bring me lots of bed bugs this Christmas.
They’re going to pass tuberculosis this Christmas.
Those illegals in my yard.

Aaaaaand, as soon as your head is finished exploding, take a gander at the comments section.  It’s enough to make me want to set myself on fire.  The only bit that saved me was this comment gem:

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I say not racism.    MIRITE?

Couples Retreat was released in the theaters recently.  I don’t know when.  I don’t care.  It looks stupid.  Probably just stupid enough for me to laugh whilst drinking the six pack of beer I smuggle into my purse at movie theaters.

Yesterday, apparently, there was some hub bub, a broo ha ha, or a kerfuffle, if you please, over Universal Studios removing the black actors from the poster that was used to promote the movie in the UK.

I know, right?  That’s like, totally racism?  Why not remove some of the other couples?  Well, because the other stars, Vince Vaughn, Kristen Bell, that other dude, and whatshisbutt are, like, way more popular than Black dude no one’s really heard of, and some black chick who’s been in in like, 4 shows, on par with That’s so Raven! and Moesha.  Basically, they’re people many folks  in America have never heard of, so the bloody Brits sure as hell don’t know who they are.

Meh,  I know I’m supposed to be all “this is an outrage!” but whatever, right?  The movie sucks (only 12% on Rotten Tomatoes).  Vince Vaughn has made a string of craptastic movies ::ahem:: Fred Clause and frankly, I don’t give a crap.  And, in any event, Universal has decided not to use those posters overseas.  They say that they’re “sorry to have offended anyone.”  So… no harm no foul.  But if the next big Denzel movie comes out, and the UK posters show this picture:

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Schadenfreude is a Dish Best Served With a Shot of Whiskey

Remember the Philadelphia swim club that didn’t want a bunch of dirty colored folks swimming in their pool? Well looks like those bastards had to file for bankruptcy.

I’ll give you a minute to shout “HA HA!”

The president of the club, John Duesler complained:

“While many will point towards our legal situation and negative media exposure this summer as the reason, the truth is that the club has struggled to stay out of the red for at least the last decade. . . . And our current debt from this year’s operations and legal fees now exceeds $100,000.”

[Club] Members “are all tired and beaten down and just sickened by how our club has been improperly portrayed,” he said, according to the Daily News. “After speaking to many members, my sense is that mostly everyone wants to move on.”

Improperly portrayed my ass.  The club kept claiming that there were too many kids that day and not enough lifeguards, and that only a few of the kids knew how to swim.  (Yeah. Seriously.  Everybody knows black people can’t swim, MIRITE?)  The Pennsylvania Human Rights Commission found probable cause for race discrimination and levied a $50,000 fine on the Club.  The commission also found that other large groups of kids had frequented the club and not been kicked out, and the club had no black members out of the 334 paid memberships over  the last two years.

One of the rejected kids sued the Club, and more kids were planning to sue.  Unfortunately, now they’re going to have to get in line behind a bunch of creditors in bankruptcy court.  It’s unclear whether their lawsuits will proceed but that’s okay by me because,  you know,  HA HA!!!

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Skimming Rainbow Presents: Sleep Deprivation

Insomnia. I has it. There’s no theme this time. I’m just lucky to be writing coherent English words and phrases.

Also, I can tell I’m sleep deprived because I’m hallucinating. Unless you mean to tell me that Jeff Dunham actually did add a black puppet to his unfunny and racist act, a sweet little hag-in-training/squeer-to-be actually fell for her gay prom date on Dallas Divas and Daughters (happens to the best of us), they really did start airing DJ AM’s drug intervention show (it’s very good, I just didn’t think it would be aired this soon), the Bible actually learned how to smize, and I really did publish an epic run-on sentence full of links (self-referential jokes are so hot right now).

According to the internet over the weekend…

• Seriously Ralph Lauren. Phoning it in is a LOT easier than you’re making it.
• Stephanie Pratt got a DUI. Oh and she looks exactly like Miss Piggy in this picture. Who could be sneaking her that muppet eyeshadow? Okay?
• Do you ever wish your facebook friends could get their shit together already and write a collaborative rap about Balloon Boy on your status message?
• How one would find the time to make this costume for a baby, and be keeping an actual baby alive in the meantime, is beyond my grasp.
• I downloaded some BSB over the weekend thanks to Thundersquee!’s Infinite Playlist. I’m guessing these people did too. That or they, too, are sleep deprived. Nobody listens to this song anymore anyway, because it makes everyone think of Burger King.
• List of 11 eco-friendly wob wob wob, wob wob cool looking fire pictures!
• Aw. Jessica Simpson is thrashing about in my heart-places. “I will never understand why people attack for a laugh. Own your beauty and don’t listen to the judgement.”
• I ran across a slideshow of Geogia O’Keeffe’s “other work” this weekend. It is breathtaking. And I see penises. What! I do! I think there are penises in these pictures.

…And what were your nights like over the weekend, Squeeple?

“I’m at LEAST two”*

Last night I was mindin’ muh business, perusing Facebook, when an update appeared from Rev. Random. Most of you know the Rev. from the comment section and know she usually has something interesting, insightful, or hilarious to add, so my natural inclination was to click the link.  I did, and that’s when all reason left me and I was unable to function or form words for the next several minutes.   What she linked to was this: A story about a Louisiana Justice of the Peace who refused to marry an interracial couple. After reading the first few sentences I twitched, I spasmed, I twitched again and grunted, then finally I let out a stream of expletives that only stopped when my brain shut down in either self-defense, or what might be the first documented case of Tourette’s Overload.

Note: I know many of the hags and squeers are in interracial relationships, or as I like to call them, relationships, so you might want to tape your head before reading.

In the article, Justice of the Peace Keith Bardwell states, “he refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple out of concern for any children the couple might have. ” and that “it is his experience that most interracial marriages do not last long.”

That’s where I started twitching, but it wasn’t until after I tried to wrap my mind around his declaration that he wasn’t a racist that my brain broke. He said:

“I’m not a racist. I just don’t believe in mixing the races that way,” Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. “I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else.”

Recipe for cerebral hemorrhage : 1 part confusion, 1 part slack jawed awe at the absurdity, 2 parts anger, stir.

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Not what we meant by Hedgie-O's, but er, um... don't get out of that spoon just yet.

Skimming Rainbow Presents: Wedding Requirements

According to the internet over the weekend…

• Something borrowed: Commenters say kidnapping hedgies is illegal in the UK - even if they are “the latest must-have mini-pet.”
• Something blue: The new Doctor Who logo.
• Something old: Health care imma let you finish but school integration was the best socialism of all time.
• Something new: What a tweest! Offbeat brides show off their creativity.
• The officiant: Who knew the FTC gave a crap about blog reviews?
• The flower girl: She’s so precious - hang on, I have to facebook this!
• New lingerie: A live-script “super-intelligent” typeface at Underware for my fellow font geeks.
• The drunken reception toast: You guys are like, infinitely in love, and but like you can’t be really because you’re totally like, not infinite though? But it’s really congratulations and everything with this wedding and all and you guys deserve it. Woohoo! Oh my god there are so many happy people here but I’m so alone! (Hat tip to Addicted to Addiction for getting me started on this topic.)

…And what are your wedding requirements, Squeeple?

Harry Connick, Jr. makes me proud to be a New Orleanian, but I still loathe Ray Nagin and the crack dealer a block over

I’m not a native New Orleanian, but those who know me well know that the Crescent City is my adopted hometown: it’s where I was comforted after losing a parent, it’s where I was married, and it’s where I’ll probably become a mother.

It’s not without its faults as a city - New Orleans has a well-deserved reputation for seediness, with its well-publicized political corruption and high violent crime rate.  But this same city, leveled merely 4 years ago by a devastating natural (and some might argue, partially man made) disaster, is back with a vengeance. 

That’s due largely to the fabric of the people who call this city home, from Satchmo to Patricia Clarkson.  But Harry Connick, Jr. is my Official Favorite New Orleanian now, after graciously but firming laying the smack unto racial stereotyping on an Australian variety show. (more…)

Advises Americans To “Ask Themselves Tough Questions” In Lieu Of Answering A “Tough Question”

Oh, Glenn Beck. You’ve been played for a fool by The Liberal Media and their Gotcha Journalism! Have you learned NOTHING from your fellow crazy-in-arms, Sarah Palin? Didn’t she warn you? When Katie Couric interviews you, SHE WILL ASK YOU QUESTIONS! About things you’ve said publicly and repeatedly! And you will be expected to answer them! And if you DON’T answer them, she will ask you AGAIN, while politely pointing out that you haven’t actually answered the question! SHE’S THE DEVIL, MAN! THE DEVIL!!!

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This is how to Oops with your eyes.

This feature took a sick day last week while I was under the weather. I returned to the internet to find that I wasn’t the only one who had been sick.

Skimming Rainbow presents: Sickness

• Tyra Banks Show producers are accused of directing a guest to make racist remarks. This item counts because Tyra’s ego reminds me of a disease.
• Has anyone noticed hip hop’s disgusting ass rash? Wait, I mean rash of ass.
• Fashion barfed all over my computer screen.
• Khloe Kardashian’s getting married to her boyfriend of one month. Someone’s about to get a surprise case of the Ohh God What The Hell Did I Dos.
• Bill Maher is the sickest person on today’s list for “jokingly” blaming the victim. LOL!!1! (For the record, Bill: It’s probably illegal to employ children as professional joke writers.)

…And what kind of sickness is on your minds this week, Squeeple?

But you already knew that.

In a mind-blowing display of tortured logic and with the clarity of, dare I say, a drug addict, Rush Limbaugh took to the air Wednesday and discussed race relations.  As you can imagine it was batshit insane.

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Sar's real grandmother is actually this cool, minus the cuss.

Skimming Rainbow Presents: Things My Grandma Told Me

According to the internet this week…

• Children are smarter than you might give them credit for. They are a bunch of racist bastards.
• Motherhood is the ultimate sacrifice.  The last thing you need on top of it is some rugrat hogging your birthday spotlight.
• It could always be worse. You could be named Titswillow.
• Skin color does not matter. Oh except in your case, Beyonce. You’ll never get it right.
• Don’t mess with Texas. Oh wait, that wasn’t grandma. That was an ad campaign.
• Love doesn’t care who you are. It might care about your permanent record though.

…What did your grandmother tell you, Squeeple?

Obama wants to turn your children black (and once they go black, they’ll never ever go back)

Holy shit, y’all.  Did you hear about what Obama did last week?  He gave a back-to-school speech to our nation’s childrenses!  And you know what else?  He like, totally tried to turn your child into a black person.  BEHIND YOUR BACK.  (He also pulled the plug on your grandma, but we can talk about that later.)

This aggression will not STAND, man.   I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw the news. Obama addressed a nation of young impressionable children and filled their heads with balderdash and poppycock.  (That’s British for BULLSHIT.)  He told kids that they should stay in school!  And that they should do their homework!  And that they should pass on grass!

I mean, what kind of crap is he trying to pull?  How dare he tell your children to put down that X Box Virtual 3000 2.0, stop sniffing glue, and open a book? How dare he tell your children that they need to study hard and not give up on their dreams and life in general?

I mean, what’s next?  I know I don’t want my kids to go to college.***  Or get a job.  Or learn shit.  I want my kids to become one of the next generation of idiotic fuckwits, like the ones at the townhall meetings, talkin’ ’bout “Hello, Hitler!”

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Black Supremacy?!  Really!?  We’ve finally made it, y’all!

Oh my god, what are those colored people doing behind me? Oh no...is that... chicken grease I smell? Maybe if I stand vewwy still, they won't spot me.

Whelp, this is it folks.  I never thought I’d see the day.  White folks are out protesting against BLACK SUPREMACISTS.  And guess who der fuhrer of Black Supremacy is?  Yep.  You guessed it.  Born to a white mother and the President of the United States of Fascist Nazi Socialist Hawai’i, Barack Hussein Obama.

This is a great day indeed.  Black folks have long been accustomed to dealing white racist assholery.  We’ve been shackled, enslaved, lynched, beaten, set on fire, hunted down in the woods for sport, forced to ride in the back of the bus, not permitted to swim in the same pools or eat in the same establishments as white people.  We haven’t been allowed to attend school with white chirrints.  We weren’t even full people for a while; only 3/5 of a person.  We’ve been  forced to eat low on the hog while white folks were eating high on the hog.  We have nightmares whenever we see a white pointy hat.  Don’t even get us started on Casper the Friendly Ghost and his white hood of fright.  No sir.  We don’t want any part of it.

But, lawzy, lawzy!  Now it’s us black folks who have the white folks running scurred:

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Oh how far we’ve come?

Thinking about the aptly-named-by-STM Gates/Crowley/Obama shenanigans, I decided that as partial White Devil I would do my part to heal this racial divide. I mean, isn’t it time we remember who the REAL enemy is? I am, of course, talking about the Orientals.

Thanks to Michelle (Mr. #1’s co-worker)!

An apology and dooshery abounds

This is hopefully my last article on the Gates/Crowley/Obama shenanigans.  So as you know the shit went down in Cambridge a couple weeks ago, and no one was ready.  Anyone who has enrolled in Cypress Hill 101 knows that when the shit goes down, you better damn well be ready.

Anyway, I jumped to some conclusions about the woman who made the 911 call, but after listening to the recording of the call, I have to take back the snarky statements I made about the woman being racist.

The woman, Lucie Whalen has been hounded by the press relentlessly.  So much so that she has hired an attorney and released a statement to the press:

The woman who dialed 911 to report a possible break-in at the home of black Harvard scholar Henry Louis Gates Jr. said during a tear-filled news conference in Cambridge Wednesday that she did the right thing calling the police and people who called her racist never understood the situation.

She said if she had to do it all over again, she would call the police again and she hopes the release of the tape recordings of her 911 call to police will vindicate her actions and intentions.

After listening to the call, it seems pretty clear that she was simply doing her civic duty.  She didn’t mention race at all; it was only after being pressed by the police as to whether the suspected burglars were white, black, or Hispanic that she said one of them might have been Hispanic.  (I am in no way intimating that the 911 emergency operator was racist either; it’s a legitimate question, obviously.  We wouldn’t want 911 callers to have to describe people without reference to their race:  “There’s a guy–I think he’s trying to break into a house.  I can’t say if he’s black or not.  No, no, I’m not color blind.  I can tell whether or not he’s black, I just can’t say it.  Saying “black” is racist!  His skin is the color of a Snickers bar.  No, I can’t say that he’s Hispanic either.  Saying “Hispanic” is racist!  What color is the house?  Oh it’s black, with Hispanic trim.”)

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Is Your Home Protected from Black Intellectuals?

Gee whiz, sounds sort of like last week’s chronicle from one Angry Black Lady.  Ya think Bill Maher reads Thundersquee! under the cover of darkness?

(Thanks to Rev. Random for the tip!)

Hug it out, bitches!

The Gates/Crowley/Obama debacle is going to be solved the good old American way.  Over a beer.  According to Obama, it was Crowley’s idea that the three get together and throw back some tasty beverages.  Obama extended an invitation to Brother Gates, and now the three of them are going to meet for a beer at the Black White House.

Just like our forefathers used to do.

Just as a recap, here’s what went down last week.

Sergeant Crowley of the Cambridge Police Department arrested black Harvard professor and scholar Henry Louis “Skip” Gates, Jr. after a neighbor called 911 and reported that two colored folks were breaking into a home.  The colored folks were Gates and his chauffeur.  Crowley was all, “Quit being disorderly.”  Gates was all, “Give me your name and badge number.  Do you know who you’re messin’ with?”  Crowley was all “Hey man, get off my keister.  I’ll speak with you about this outside.”   Gates was all, “I’ll speak with your mama outside.” Obama was all, “Hey Cambridge PD, quit acting like a bunch of stoopidheads.”  Crowley was all, “Hey, man, get off my keister.  I teach a class on racial profiling.”  Gates was all, “Your mama teaches a class on racial profiling.”  Obama was all, “::eyeroll::”

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Farther… Farther… No… No… You’re Still Too Close

As you may recall, my alter ego, Angry Black Lady, lost her damn mind a little while ago after reading about some crazy ass swim club in Philadelphia which wouldn’t allow a bunch of little black childrenses to swim in their pool.

Angry Black Lady was shocked, appalled, angry, and then subsequently very drunk.

Well, looks like another prominent black figure was equally appalled. (Ha! Like how I just called my otherself “prominent”?)  Tyler Perry has swooped in with his bags of cash and is sending the rejected kids to Disney World:

“He wanted to do something nice for them and let them know that for every negative experience, there are people out there who want them to succeed regardless of the color of their skin,” Thomas said.

In August, the kids will be taking a trip to Disney World, with the ‘Madea Goes to Jail’ and ‘House of Pain’ star picking up the tab for airfare, food, hotel and admissions for a three-day visit to Disney and a Disney water park.

Hey Tyler?  Nice gesture and all–really, it is.  I applaud you.

But if you really want to help the children, and, for that matter, humanity itself, then STOP MAKING MOVIES.  We had a meeting of the Black People Club recently, and we all agree– you’re not helping.

Source.

(Thanks to KeeblerKahn for the tip!)

They done arrested the wrong Negro, I’ll tell you whut…. 

Let’s play a game. This will be a game that is more fun for those of you with any knowledge of African American Studies, or famous African American men. Aw hell, who am I kidding. This will be a game for those of you who have ever heard of black people, or know that we exist.

Ready?  OK, let’s play.

I’m thinking of a particular black man of note.  So, when I say the words, “Notable Black Man” who comes to mind?

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What the fuck?  Seriously.  WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?

I’m sure you’ll pardon this late Friday edition of Angry Black Lady Chronicles, but I just saw this a few minutes ago, and my jaw dropped.  (It’s still on the floor, actually.)

I mean…  I just…

I…

It’s 2009, isn’t it?  Right?

Directly quoted from NBC in my hometown, Philly:

More than 60 campers from Northeast Philadelphia were turned away from a private swim club and left to wonder if their race was the reason.

“I heard this lady, she was like, ‘Uh, what are all these black kids doing here?’ She’s like, ‘I’m scared they might do something to my child,’” said camper Dymire Baylor.

The Creative Steps Day Camp paid more than $1900 to The Valley Swim Club. The Valley Swim Club is a private club that advertises open membership. But the campers’ first visit to the pool suggested otherwise.

“When the minority children got in the pool all of the Caucasian children immediately exited the pool,” Horace Gibson, parent of a day camp child, wrote in an email. “The pool attendants came and told the black children that they did not allow minorities in the club and needed the children to leave immediately.”

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