Oh Just Take My Word For It Already, You Were Going To Anyway.

No, Skimming Rainbow is not the latest thrill available on the Craigslist casual encounters board. (Except if you like doing it in the bookstore.)  It’s just what I’m calling this roundup of links from the week. Now that Reading Rainbow is off the air, this is the most important literature available to you.

Making it work, Weekend-At-Bernie's style.

According to the rest of the internet this week:

• Project Runway sucked this week.
• Woody Harrelson (stop yawning and read) smokes pot and justifies his drug use with our drug use. JNLYBJJ. (Judge not lest ye be Judge Judy, © stopthemadness)
• Spencer Pratt committed the unpardonable doosh. So doom! (Just in case he wasn’t already going to hell for this comment.)
• Gerard Butler refuses to make any films he’ll be remembered for.
• The Real Housewives of New Jersey’s Danielle Staub is selling her house in glamorous Wayne, NJ: Home of the Chinese restaurant where I used to get drunk.
• Am I the only one who didn’t realize Janet and Jermaine had broken up?
• An X-Factor reject got plastic surgery after being criticized once by Simon Cowell, which begs the question, why exactly did she think she was ready to be famous?

P.S. Happy Labor Day!

Fastest Swimmingest Weed Smoker in the Free World

As you may recall, a few months ago, I claimed that the fact that Michael Phelps is Stony McSwimsalot ain’t a big deal. It’s not as if weed is a performance-enhancing drug.  Then I claimed that the fact that Phelps wants to get hiiiiiigh, so hiiiiiigh might make him a bionic weed smoker, considering his ridonkulous lung capacity.

Well, smokin’ da weed truly weren’t no thang but a chicken wang–Phelps is still the fastest human sea creature on earth (although, I wonder whether a certain Squee!-ers’ seakitten and seacannibal might give Phelps a run for his money.)  So bow down to Phelps, the Six Million Medal Man-slash-Bionic Weed Smoker.  Why?  Because last week at the U.S. Championships, he broke the one record he had been unable to break previously; Ian Crocker’s 100m butterfly record:

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And a little bit of hell

543 POUNDS of pot were seized at a Costco in Peabody, Massachusetts, recently–at a freakin’ Costco!  Sometimes I think God works for Dick Wolfe. How does shit like that happen? It’s hard to believe they had no clue. Its like one of those women going into labor while visiting a friend in the maternity ward stories. It’s even hard to believe I had no clue.  I was just in Peabody yesterday, like a block away.You’d think I’d have smelled it.

Not lime green, but Pickler

I probably didn’t notice because I was in prom dress hell with my sisters. This dress shop was filled with 100 Revere girls all sporting giant hair and all throwing down over a lime green, shows-your-belly prom dress. Since you aren’t from Massachusetts I’ll have to give you a little back ground.  100 Revere girls are like 100 Marissa Tomei’s character from My Cousin Vinny, complete with big hair, long acrylics, and too tight clothes. Before you judge me, they wont sell the same prom dress to more than 1 girl attending a prom, so you are guaranteed an individual dress–and they are the only place in the area that does that.

I have to say, I could have used a pound or two of pot to get me through prom dress shopping.

The Six Million Medal Man

Gentlemen, we can rebuild him.  We have the technology.  We have the capability to build the world’s first bionic weed smoker.  Michael Phelps will be that weed smoker.  A better swimmer than he was before.  Better, stronger, faster… higher.

(Thanks to Inti for the tip!)

White Boy Smokes Weed, Tabloids Go Fucking Berserk

In an effort to give other competitors a fighting chance, Michael Phelps smoked some weed at a party.  Oh, the humanity!!  A 23-year-old went to a college party and got high – WHAAAAAT?  Are you kidding me with this shit?!  Mock outrage aside, I think we are all ignoring the important issue here— WHO THE FUCK CARES!?!?!

First of all, it is a statistical fact that everyone fucking smokes weed.

Second, it is a statistical fact that if you are saying to yourself right now, “nuh-uh, not me.  I don’t!,” you are a fucking liar.

And for the exactly seven of you who have truly never smoked weed, then give me a call.  I know a guy.

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