Linky-loos you can use.

Can someone explain to me in clear and concise sentences (preferably using only monosyllabic words) why in the hell James Franco is on General Hospital?  Seriously.  Why?  I thought you’re supposed to go from soap operas to movies, not the other way around.  Is this some sort of practical joke?  Did he lose a bet?  Well, at least he’s making the most of it, by bringing a bout of the gay to Port Charles (yes, I know the fictional town is Port Charles and no I do not watch soap operas… anymore.)  Jezebel.

Is Google making us stupid?  The Daily Beast.

MacGyver cat!  This cat totally can make a bomb using a tampon, a roll of duct tape, and an apple jolly rancher.  I seent it with my own four eyes.  Fierce and Nerdy.

Caprica!  Caprica!  Caprica! Which is all fine and good but it just makes me miss Battlestar Galactica.  I’ll never get over that show.  Pajiba.

The best indie-films of the decade.  There are two on this list which are controversional: Garden State and Juno.  And two which are not. ::evil stare:: (1) In Bruges. “I’ll have one gay beer for my friend and one normal beer for me because I am normal.” And, (2) Bubba Ho-tep starring Bruce Campbell’s chin of win.  FTW.  Pajiba.

Christ on a garlic rubbed crouton, Tiger is going down… in flames.  Dirty cheeky monkeys.  Radar Online.

Joe Lieberman is a dooshbag.  I can say that.  My mom is a Jew.  Firedoglake.

Golden Globe nominations!  Man, I love me some Streep.  D Listed.

Score one for being a fucking moron.  Emails from Crazy People.

Motherfucking pterodactyls.  The Oatmeal.

That’s what’s up, squeeps!

I say not racism.    MIRITE?

Couples Retreat was released in the theaters recently.  I don’t know when.  I don’t care.  It looks stupid.  Probably just stupid enough for me to laugh whilst drinking the six pack of beer I smuggle into my purse at movie theaters.

Yesterday, apparently, there was some hub bub, a broo ha ha, or a kerfuffle, if you please, over Universal Studios removing the black actors from the poster that was used to promote the movie in the UK.

I know, right?  That’s like, totally racism?  Why not remove some of the other couples?  Well, because the other stars, Vince Vaughn, Kristen Bell, that other dude, and whatshisbutt are, like, way more popular than Black dude no one’s really heard of, and some black chick who’s been in in like, 4 shows, on par with That’s so Raven! and Moesha.  Basically, they’re people many folks  in America have never heard of, so the bloody Brits sure as hell don’t know who they are.

Meh,  I know I’m supposed to be all “this is an outrage!” but whatever, right?  The movie sucks (only 12% on Rotten Tomatoes).  Vince Vaughn has made a string of craptastic movies ::ahem:: Fred Clause and frankly, I don’t give a crap.  And, in any event, Universal has decided not to use those posters overseas.  They say that they’re “sorry to have offended anyone.”  So… no harm no foul.  But if the next big Denzel movie comes out, and the UK posters show this picture:

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Heigel Suckfest

The ugly truth is this movie is a misogynistic piece of crap and even Gerard Butler’s fucking amazingly hott ass can’t save it. And Heigl said that Knocked Up was sexist? HA! I had issue then – she made these statements after the movie hit big, after DVD sales that were through the roof finally slowed – then and only then did she admit she thought it was sexist. (Which by the way – oversensitive feminista that I am- I do not agree).

The Ugly Truth is just a series of sexist sentiments that are repeated over and over. Women are clingy. Women are controlling. Men need to be men. Don’t emasculate men. Men like sex. Play hard to get, be coy, don’t act like a woman. No man wants a woman because women suck. But Knocked Up, where women hold better jobs and have their shit together while men are a mess, is sexist. You got it, Kathy. I suggest watching it on silent.

Linky-loos you can use.

Do you like movies?  Of  course you do.  Do you hate going to movies and being surrounded by chip chomping, bright ass iPhone texting, foolios?  Of course you do.  Then read this guide; it will help you get the most out of your movie-going experience.  Also it will help you reduce your dooshery.  Pajiba.

Did you know that Michael Jackson dies at the beginning of This is It? Sorry for the spoiler, bitches.  FourFour.

The cast of Glee is coming to a mall near you.  If you can make it, please beg Kurt to do the Single Ladies dance.   And ask that black chick if she’s the same black chick from School of Rock.  I’m too lazy to Google it.  Lainey Gossip.

Praise Breesus!  Can I get an amen and a Who Dat?  Nola.com.

Can I get a cheesesteak and a “How yous guys doin?”  Phillies take it back to the Bronx.  The Yankees suck.  Yeah, I said it.  What what?!  Philadelphia Inquirer.

Hugh Grant got wasted and tried to nail some Project Runway model.  He got Heismanned.  Somewhere Elizabeth Hurley is laughing.  Except she’s not even that hot anymore, so who cares?  Celebslam.

Are the Slumdog Milliokids getting too big for their saris?  Jezebel.

Would you like to see the 2009 Miss International Queen?  She’s a famous Japanese tranny and her camel toe is faaaaaaabulous!!  D-Listed.

I wish Lady Gaga would give-give me a fucking break.  Go Fug Yourself.

Heidi Klum does NOT fuck around on Halloween.  Why dress like a whore when you can dress like this?  I Don’t Like You In That Way.

For all you burgeoning writers out there, here’s some advice on asking for professional advice.  Fierce and Nerdy.

And that, squeeps, is how it is.

The Good, Bad, And The Fabulous

Movies have the power to remind of us of of different periods in our lives. You can tell a lot about a person by the movies they choose to represent their lives. Unfortunately for you all I have a great love of horrible movies. And also just so you know, my mother and her sisters let us all watch just about anything.

Here’s  how we play

Childhood

Monty Python, The Holy Grail

Even as a young jujubee I knew this was some seriously funny shit. How can you not love French taunting and laughing at the plague. The plague kills it. Here’s a scene from the funniest taunting scene ever.

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Soul Train: The Movie?  WTF!?

Our lovely Jujubees already ranted this morning about how she wants to stab Hollywood in the eye.  Well, she didn’t say that, but I’m sure she was thinking it.

Well here’s another morsel of fuckery that will make her want to kick Hollywood in the balls.  Don Cornelius has teamed up with some a-hole at Warner Bros to make Soul Train: The Movie.  And what’s worse, is that it’s going to be a BUDDY COMEDY.  Like Lethal Weapon with fewer  guns and more Soul Glo.  Christ on a biscuit.

Words escape me.  I don’t even know what to say, squeeple.  What does one say in a situation like this?

“I’m sorry for your loss?”

“Yeah, I want them to die, and I hope they burn in hell?”

“Why are there so many motherfuckin’ snakes on this motherfuckin’ plane?”

“Time to make the donuts?”

Honestly.  I don’t know what to say or do.  It’s enough to make me want to pull out my own intestine and strangle myself with it.

To ease the pain, here’s a little Soul Train right to your face.  The Jackson 5 singing I Want You Back.  Behold their glorious afros.  I feel sorry for you, white people.  I mean, sure being black in America can be hard, but when push comes to shove, you’ll NEVER have an afro this glorious:

Now excuse me.  I need to go find my flamethrower and get ready.  When Juju declares war on Hollywood, I’m gonna burn this motherfucker down.

Hollywood, You Killed My Childhood, You Bastard: Fame Edition

Since I am so wise, I have figured out the meaning of life: Beer, Fun, and Bale. Now that I have all this spare time after answering life’s timeless questions, now what? I’ll tell you what I get to do now. Bitch and whine. Once you figure life out, you can join me. Until then you get to read my musings. This week I shall take Hollywood to task and ask them why they insist on bricking me in the face.

Soooooooooooo, I’ve complained about Hollywood remaking my most favorite movies and bricking them in the face. Such as Footloose. Chace Crawford is no Kevin Bacon my friends. I only need one degree to tell you this will suck, royally. And Julianna Hough from Dancing With The Stars is supposed to reprise Lori Singer’s role? I think not. Hollywood must be stopped.

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First Draft Movie Lines

People on Twitter like to play games.  If you’re a Twitterer, you know what I’m talking about.  If you’re not, you probably ought to have your bedpan changed.

One of my favorites thus far was #1stdraftmovielines.  What you do is take a classic line from a movie, and reimagine it–what do you think the first draft of the movie line might have been?  What phrases were rejected before the screenwriters settled on the classic?  What is the most twisted version of the line you can think of, but still have it be recognizable?

It’s Labor Day coming up.  A long weekend.  Many beers and wieners will be shoved into mouths across the nation.  While you’re sitting there talking to Uncle Bobby, wondering why he’s such a “close talker,” grab your phone, open your browser, pop on over to Thundersquee! and hit us with your funniest shots.

Fire away.

Here are a couple examples to start you off:

“If you build it, they might show up.”

“I gave her my heart.  She gave me a number two pencil.”

“Go ahead.  Tempt me.  (I really want to shoot you in the face.)”

“I shall return shortly.”

What have you got?

I’m starting to hate you, Netflix.

Are you sick of reading my weekly bitching about the political fuckery going on in this country? Yeah? Well I’m sick of writing about it. So today, I want to talk about the REAL problem facing America: Netflix.

Netflix pisses me off.

I’ve been a member of Netflix almost from the beginning. I remember when I first heard about Netflix  seven years ago. I was over the moon  about it. “WHA!? You mean I won’t have to buy some stupid ass movie for 50 bucks from Blockbuster because I forgot to return it, or my dog chewed it up, or because I returned my homemade porn movie and left Ernest Goes to to the Mall languishing in my DVD player??!!”

JEANIUS.

But here’s the thing:  I rented 300 and Big Fish in February 2009 and I STILL HAVE THEM SITTING ON MY COFFEE TABLE.  I don’t know why I can’t just take them to the post office.  I just haven’t. I don’t even care at this point. It’s like my gym membership. I pay 60 bucks every month (it’s automatically deducted from my credit card) and I never go. I’ve been a member of the gym for 3 years and I’ve gone maybe 6 times.

So yeah. I’ve been a member of Netflix for about 7 years, and I’ve probably watched a total of 6 movies. ( Don’t judge me! You don’t know what my life is like!)

So this past weekend, I started thinking about how ridiculous my Netflix situation is–paying for a service I never use–and I decided to cancel my account. That’s right. I did that shit. No more Netflices.

But apparently when you cancel your account, you have to locate and return the movies you have.  Can you believe that?  So now I have to locate Police Academy 7: Who Let the Dogs Out, and return it to them, PRONTO. Whatever, Netflix. I can’t find the movie. Suck it up.

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“There’s no Baum in it at all.”

The Wizard of Oz is a sacred thing, TMIMO.

And as you might know by now, comic books, movies and literature are things I take pretty seriously (in that order.)  I don’t like it when they mix badly… and I say this for a specific reason: TODD MCFARLANE and OZ? Well, it’s a TERRIBLE IDEA.

Here’s why.
Todd McFarlane is known for Spawn, and a few Spiderman comics - but he’s mostly known as a marketing guy. He wants you to buy his toys! And he DOES have great toys…  he’s become the P.T. Barnum of comics. He’s FAR more into marketing than either movies OR comics. He thinks the whole world is a big, fat chump, and THAT’S what keeps him going. I’m sure you can see the irony in this… and if you don’t, let me remind you of THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN.

Which brings me back to Oz.

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It’s like Underworld meets You Got Served

Not sure what the hell this movie is about? Don’t feel bad, I had to find a synopsis of it to convince me it wasn’t a vampire dance-off movie.

In a New York of the future, violence and drugs are all but erased from memory. In their stead, illegal dance contests take place in the underground world of Boogie Town. Marco and Jay, leaders of rival dancing gangs, acquire superpowers and take the contests to new levels. Marco falls in love with Jay’s sister Natalie and the two become like Romeo and Juliet, a pair of star-crossed lovers.

OK, that’s it. I need to start writing screenplays. I’m sure I can write a better movie than this. I just need to break into the business. I may have to sell out a little to get my foot in the door, so don’t think to harshly of me. No, I’m not talking about dating Paris Hilton or ‘accidentally’ releasing a sex tape. I may need to write a script for the re-imagining of Freddy Got Fingered or maybe re-boot the Ernest movies.

How does Ernest Goes to Chemo sound?

Unless there is a profit to be made from it

Are you ready for a Dirty Dancing re-make? Yeah, me neither. That isn’t stopping Lions Gate Entertainment from moving forward with the project. Something tells me this is going to end up being a cross between Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights and You Got Served.

Julia Dahl has been tapped to write it. If the name doesn’t ring a bell don’t feel bad. Her biggest claim to fame so far has been the Brittany Murphy movie Uptown Girls. I’m sure she will do just fine. She has plenty of experience under her belt. She also wrote two episodes of Just Shoot Me and one episode of Party of Five.

There has been talk in the past of re-making Dirty Dancing but it has always fallen apart for various reasons. A few years back there was talk of remaking it with Mario Lopez; thankfully that never happened. I would like to make a few casting suggestions. How about Megan Fox for Frances ‘Baby’ Houseman and Channing Tatum for Johnny Castle? You know he can Dirty Dance, here is the proof.

Hollywood already has a Fame remake set to hit theaters. You can watch the trailer here. I can see some studio executive pitching this. “We can make it like High School Musical but gritty and more urban. Now I don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up but I’m pretty sure I can get Frasier to sign if we act fast.”

Even Hollywood legends can’t escape having their movies re-imagined. Steven Spielberg and Tobe Hooper’s movie Poltergeist is getting remade. It is set to hit theaters next Thanksgiving. Here is a tip Hollywood. If you want to remake a Steven Spielberg film how about you start with the last Indiana Jones movie.

And possibly leading to RDJ goodness

Gratuitous hotness

Robert Downey Jr. is currently in talks to play the vampire Lestat in the next installation of The Vampire Chronicles.  He would join Tom Cruise and Stuart Townsend as the third actor whose casting as Lestat makes no sense. I mean, I’ve read the books, and none of these dudes even remotely fit Rice’s description of the character, which I have always interpretted as “a young Rutger Hauer and Legolas had a baby…a vampire baby.” OK, the Legolas part is a recent addition, but you get the point.

However, it’s RDJ and he could play most any character and manage to make it work, so I’m interested to see what becomes of this. What are your thoughts?

Hollywood Edition

I have a bone to pick with Hollywood and with some American moviegoers. Over the last few years, Hollywood has been masturbating all over itself with a string of “reimagined movies.”  At some point in the early days of the 21st century, the film industry decided it was okay to cannibalize movies from the past and repackage them as new ideas. You know what, Hollywood? That’s bullshit, and I am calling you on it.

We all had to write reports in school. Can you imagine what one of your teachers would have said if you took a report you had already handed in and changed a few things then handed it back in as a completely new piece of work?  There is no way that would be acceptable. That would just be a sign that you were too lazy or stupid to come up with something original.

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Form of? Legos: THE MOVIE

You. Yeah YOU! Did you hear? Warner Bros. is making a legos movie. No. Not Legolas (although, hey how you doin’ Orlando Bloom shooting arrows with flaxen locks raining from your scalp.)

Fuckin, LEGOS, man.  Those plastic bricks?   From back in the day. LEGOS:

The good news, Variety reports, is that LEGO has finally relented and is allowing a movie to be made - an action-adventure set in a LEGO world.

I swear.  I must be dead.  I MUST BE.  Because there is no way on Cruise’s green earth that I’m living in a world where people are lynching politicians in effigy as a protest to healthcare reform, and where a movie about stupid cheap ass plastic bricks is “good news.”  Imagine the trailer:

In a world!  Where lady lego will fall ill as a result of complications with her breast implants and will meet the yellow square of her dreams in the ICU.  Will she follow her heart and click her little nobbins into his gaping holes?  Or will she leave him, heart melting, reeking of plastic, for a blue rectangle?

Christ on a cracker with a side of biscuits and gravy.  The end is nigh.  Do you hear me?  WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE AND THE LEGOS SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH.

Oh and you know what else?  A bunch of other games from my childhood are being considered for movies.  Like Monopoly.  It’s gonna be a tell-all about Mr. Pennybags after he had a sex change and became Miss Pennywhistle.  Soundtrack by Philip Glass.

Source.

Time to Nut Up or Shut Up

I love me some zombies, be they in film or fiction. Here is the Red Banner trailer for Woody Harrelson’s new zombie comedy. You know, the one that caused Woody to attack a real person at LaGuardia Airport because he thought the guy was a photographer zombie. It’s is restricted, however it’s mostly NSFW (not safe for work) language, but there is a scene with a zombie stripper running in slow motion with pasties on. So use your own judgment as to where and when you want to view it.

You will need to enter your birthday to view the trailer. If you forgot what it is, just enter July 4, 1776. That worked for me.

Here we go again

Once again, I have to say that I just don’t get what the big deal is. I haven’t read the books; I did see the last movie and I thought it was godawful. It seems like the only reason Twilight is popular is because people, mostly girls, insist that it is.

The video here is pretty crappy but that doesn’t matter. The real reason I am posting this is for the background noise of people, mostly girls, reacting to what they are seeing. Someone should call Guinness because at the one minute thirty three mark the person taking the video captured what might be the largest simultaneous orgasm ever caught on film at a Con. After last year’s Princess Leia in a slave girl costume contest, that’s really saying something.

Video after the jump.

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Who’s You?

Some of the hags recently had a Facebook conversation wherein Cait mentioned that we would definitely rescue Stopthemadness from Albanian kidnappers, a la Taken. Obviously, I thoroughly agreed, and it made me jokingly mention a hag movie, which then led to wonder who I would want to play me.  I thought that would be a pretty easy question to answer, but it brought up a lot more questions for me, instead. Should I go with an actress who looks like an idealized version of me, or someone who has range and can portray me in an honest and fairly accurate way? What about someone whose personality is close to my own, but requires a lot of work to look like me (padding, for a start)?  Should I stick to the current pool of actresses or open things up to include everyone? Maybe I should just  go with someone I think kicks ass.  This should be easier!

I decided to stick with modern actresses, but those who at least share the same coloring as me are sparse.  I have brown hair and blue eyes, and while the first actress that comes to mind is Angelina Jolie, fuck that.  Yes, she’s gorgeous and intelligent, and maybe I would choose her if she were still the Angelina Jolie she was in Hackers, but now she’s too thin, too perfect and too beautiful.  Megan Fox also has dark hair and blue eyes, but hell to the motherfucking no.  After a series of ideas all ending in “no,”  I finally decided to scrap the eye color criteria  (Contact lenses for the win!), and was able to figure it out.  So here’s my choice.

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Half-Blood Prince (now with more pubic hair)

Well, shoot.  I haven’t even read Half-Blood Prince yet.  I started it a year ago and got about halfway through.  But having read books 1-5 in about two weeks, I was suffering an acute case of Over- Potter Syndrome.  Then I got sidetracked by Twilight. Then I got sidetracked in the middle of Eclipse and started reading old Stephen King novels. And then I got sidetracked in the middle of Christine by eleventy DVRed hours of So You Think You Can Dance.

What’s the point?  Well, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince opens today, and I can’t decide whether to finish the book or just go see the damn movie.

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Roger Ebert’s take on Transformers 2

Megan Fox calibrates her weapons

It’s possible Roger Ebert didn’t like the new Transformers movie.  Here’s an excerpt.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a horrible experience of unbearable length, briefly punctuated by three or four amusing moments. One of these involves a dog-like robot humping the leg of the heroine. Such are the meager joys. If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination.

The review would have been thorough if only he had included: “Megan Fox’s bra size and IQ are roughly equivalent, and “Shia LaBeouf has the screen appeal of a door knob.”

(Editor’s Note:  No offense to door knobs intended.)