This is why people with no friends shouldn’t have phones

Every body’s favorite see-through shirt wearing douche is at it again. Michael Lohan was arrested today. No, being a complete asshat is not illegal now. Michael was arrested for violating his restraining order. Again. He didn’t violate the restraining order his ex-wife and super mom Dina Lohan has against him. The order he violated this time is the restraining order his ex-girlfriend Erin filed for. Much like the order Dina has against him, Erin’s restraining order states that Michael cannot have any communication with her at all. That means no phone calls, no letters, no holding a boom box above your head outside her bedroom window. Nothing. You hear that Michael? She doesn’t want anything to do with you! It seems that his Right Said Fred shirt has interfering with Michael’s ability to comprend this. Oh well, maybe some day he’ll dislodge his head from his ass. One can dream.

Douching, I mean duking it out

Michael Lohan has accused Jon Gosselin of “stabbing him in the back,” because he had a business arrangement with Gosselin in which he allegedly would act as what sounds like a freelance agent for Gosselin–he would get Jon work in return for a percentage of his fee–and Gosselin reneged.

“Jon knows what the deal was. I kept him out of harm’s way… and he stabbed me in the back,” Lohan told Access. “When you open your door to somebody and you give them a safe haven and a place to go and then they turn around and bite the hand that feeds or stab you in the back, that doesn’t sit well with me.”

“Jon has hurt a lot of people in his life, ” Lohan added. “I feel bad for him.”

I want to be happy that these two de-combined their wonder-doosh powers, but I can’t help but be a little sad.  A doosh force of that caliber would have surely eclipsed Speidi. Then again, it might also have eclipsed the sun and caused the earth to enter an eternal state of vinegar winter.  So now I’m torn…

Why do these people get to keep sucking our air?

Douche and Doucher

Why would either of these fools think any collaboration between them would lead to anything but regret?

“In a new interview with Access Hollywood, Michael spoke about his friend-turned-foe after he was subpoenaed by TLC to testify in the network’s breach of contract suit against Jon.

According to Michael, he had reached a business agreement with Jon, which TLC claims may have violated their exclusivity pact with the “Plus 8” dad.

“I kept him out of harm’s way when there were paparazzi around … and he stabbed me in the back,” Michael told Access. “When you open your door to somebody and you give them a safe haven and a place to go and then they turn around and bite the hand that feeds or stab you in the back, that doesn’t sit well with me.”

(more…)

Ah Michael, we hardly knew ye…

I woke up this morning and hit my alarm clock because I really didn’t want to get out of bed. I jumped in the shower and then stumbled over to my computer in a really bad mood. After I checked my emails I decided to go over to TMZ and see what was going on in the celebrity world today. To my surprise, I saw something that totally turned my mood around. What did I see you ask?

(more…)

We should all be ashamed of ourselves for judging.

Remember a couple of days ago when Michael Lohan released private convos between himself and Lindsay? We were all, “What a douchebag,” “What parent would tape private conversations with their child and hold on to them to use at a later date?”

Well, guess who just released another clip of a private conversation? If you guessed, Mi Han ( I just made that up, I’m working on it), then you win nothing but you are correct, Squeep. But don’t  you go spilling your beer; if you do, will judge you, so please don’t spill the nectar of heaven. Especially if it’s Bud Light Lime.)

Let me explain:  He’s only doing this to clear his besmirched name. You can hear Dina talking about getting a knuckle sandwich in the pie hole from Lindsay. They said Lindsay had to go to rehab and Lindsay knocked a mother trucker out. Let that be a lesson to you all if you ever run into her. Don’t mention the word that rhymes with, “mefab.”

Dina also claims she tried to get Lindsay not to move to Hollywood when she turned 18. Ummm, I find that hard to believe since she partied with her daughter and once said,  “Lindsay’s having to go to rehab was ‘ridiculous’.” Or maybe Dina just said that because she didn’t want to get punched again?

But now you can see why Mi Han had to do this, right? By releasing this tape his name will be cleared because……., oh yeah, “Lohan says he only released the personal audio tapes because he’s afraid for his daughter’s life, and he’s tired of being targeted as the bad guy.” And somehow his releasing all these tapes will make Lindsay more willing to enter rehab and also make him look less douchey.

Soooooo, releasing the tapes will make him look like less of a bad guy because……ummmm, I’m going to have to ponder this more as my brain was twisted right into a pretzel working this all out.

Now don’t you feel like a big jerk for thinking the worst of him?

Linky-loos you can use.

Maine repealed its same sex marriage law by a narrow margin yesterday.  And let me tell you; Sarah’s vagina is angry about it. If you want to avoid her labial wrath, here’s a guide to what’s good for you: Five Movies That Might Encourage Narrow-Minded Assholes to Vote for Same Sex Marriage. Pajiba.

Hey, Dallas cheerleader-lady?  It’s never a good idea to dress up in blackface for Halloween.  Unless you’re a dude dressing up like a dude playing the dude disguised as another dude.  Now that would be meta.  But you probably don’t know what meta means.  Deadspin.

The world according to Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-NC): The only thing we have to fear is… the health care reform bill.  That shit is scarier than terrorism.  (Her words, not mine.)  America Blog.

Nicole Kidman claims to be in to kinky sex.  Since she was married to Tom Cruise for ten years, and Keith Urban for the past three, I’d say she’s a gottdamn liar.  Unless by “kinky sex” means “heavy botox.”  Lainey Gossip.

Dooshtastic Father of the Year, Michael Lohan released taped phone conversations with his daughter, Lindsay during which she sobs: “No one cares about me. They don’t, by the way. It’s about how they feel, not how I feel. It’s not about me. It’s never been about me, unless I fight for it.” Oh Linds.  I’m still pulling for you. But your knee pad leggings aren’t helping.  I’m jus’ sayin’.  D Listed.

Miss Thang, Carrie Prejean settled her lawsuit with the pageantry peeps because she was afeared that her  sex tape would be released.  TMZ has thus far refused, claiming the shit is naaaaaaaaasty.  Oh, TMZ!  You’re so virtuous.  You are the standard by which all other celebrity gossip rags should be measured.  Now give me the damn Carrie Prejean sex tape, or the bunny gets it.  And please oh please let there be some hypocritical sapphic action all up in there.  Remember when she said this: “I am a Christian, and I am a model. Models pose for pictures, including lingerie and swimwear photos.” My how the pious whore has fallen.  I mean, who doesn’t want to watch a perfect Christian with fake hooters get cornholed by a girl with a strap-on?   I know I do.  Gawker.

Facebook, you’re pissing me off.  Quit suggesting friends to me!  Quit suggesting that I suggest friends to other people!  Quit suggesting I “catch up” with some motherfucker who I’m probably ignoring on purpose!  YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD, FACEBOOK!  Tremendous News.

And that, squeeps, is how it is.

The Most Important Information Available To You

I really thought they would die together.

Skimming Rainbow Presents: Teams

Being part of a team is an interesting alternative to accomplishing things alone. It isn’t always easy, nor does it always turn out to be right. But when you get just the right group, it can be amazing. Being an island is a little overrated. So team up! Maybe you’ll find yourself a little bit stronger, and your resources a little bit wider.

According to the internet this week…

• I hate that Jon and Hailey are officially over. I was so looking forward to seeing them next season on Tool Academy. Jon had already nailed the “Let me prove myself” speech.
• A bunch of kids formed a gang that successfully robbed celebrity houses.
• Ten pitchers (like for drinks) got together to make me suddenly feel like I really need a pitcher.
• Get one-upped until you feel so outranked that you need to validate your tastes by falling in love with someone at this hipster-only dating site.
• These young rappers would have fared better if they started their order with “two all beef patties.” McDonalds isn’t so into originality.
• Lindsay and Dina have joined forces against (the absolutely terrifying TMIMO) Michael Lohan. I guess a brush with the barrel of a water gun makes a woman re-prioritize.

…And who’s on your team this week, Squeeple?

When it comes to the cute and wholesomeness scale, Taylor Swift ranks as follows. Puppies and kittens, Taylor Swift, babies dressed as puppies and kittens. Maybe she is just too nice to say no, but she really should have passed on this photo op. Hey Romeo, stay away from Juliet.

(more…)

Kathy Griffin recently filmed an episode of her show My Life On The D-List with Paris Hilton. Here we see Kathy demonstrating the proper use of panties. Up until now Paris was under the impression that their only use was to be balled up in her purse or disguarded on the floor of nightclub restrooms. This demonstration doesn’t address the fact that no fabric in existence can withstand prolonged exposure to Paris Hilton’s vagina.

(more…)