Plumbing Terminology List

So as some of you may know I work in the plumbing industry which means I come across some pretty humorous terminology on a daily basis. It’s with that first hand experience that I present to you the top ten dirty/funny plumbing terminology list. Sit back and enjoy the words that rule a large part of my life.

(more…)

The fall road trip edition

Have you ever read Nick Hornby’s awesome opus, High Fidelity? Fact is, I’m the protagonist…minus a few massive character flaws that leave me unable to commit to a relationship/not act like a tremendous douche.

But I have always, always been an audiophile. Major life events are often filed away and categorized in my head by an accompanying playlist. For example, when my late dad died, I listened to a lot of Johnny Cash (which the two of us used to listen to together as we prepared holiday feasts). When I think about planning weddings, I think of Regina Spektor and Leigh Nash.

As you probably know, NFL Guy and I spend a LOT of time on the interstates of the southeastern U.S., traipsing about from football game to football game. 

Let’s talk roadtripping.

The keys to an exceptional road trip are the proper snacks, passable roads, some sense of navigation, and hella good music.  Every road trip playlist shares at least two critical characteristics:

1. Some songs are meant for air guitar/car karaoke.

2. Somes songs are necessary for alternating between grooving and militantly wishing doom on the minivan driving 45 in the left lane with its hazard lights on a slow, steady blink. (more…)

Sar's real grandma actually seemed this persnickety when Sar was eight.

I can’t think of a better day than TheHobo’s birthday for this coincidence. Yesterday was Roald Dahl Day, which I’ll bet you didn’t know existed.

Roald Dahl’s writings helped shape my childhood, and I’m sure I’m not the only squee-gee (talkin it up!) who can say that.  My favorite was George’s Marvelous Medicine, which I read until the book wore out.

In honor of Roald Dahl Day, here’s a quick list of some of my most memorable childhood reads (and links to the ones with text on Google books).

• George’s Marvelous Medicine by Roald Dahl
• What’s the Matter with Herbie Jones by Suzy Kline (She also wrote a warm response to a fan e-mail I sent her a few years ago.)
• Beezus and Ramona by Beverly Cleary
• Be a Perfect Person in Just Three Days by Stephen Mane
• Wayside School is Falling Down by Louis Sachar
• The Best Christmas Pageant Ever by Barbara Robinson

What are your most memorable childhood books, Squeeple?

The 80s movies edition

Have you ever read Nick  Hornby’s awesome opus, High Fidelity?  Fact is, I’m the protagonist…minus a few massive character flaws that leave me unable to commit to a relationship/not act like a tremendous douche.

But I have always, always been an audiophile.  Major live events are often filed away and categorized in my head by an accompanying playlist.  For example, when my late dad died, I listened to a lot of Johnny Cash (which the two of us used to listen to together as we prepared holiday feasts).  When I think about planning weddings, I think of Regina Spektor and Leigh Nash.

To me, fall isn’t about just football - it’s also about movie nights.  Let’s talk movie songs, shall we? (more…)

The sports anthem edition

Have you ever read Nick  Hornby’s awesome opus, High Fidelity?  Fact is, I’m the protagonist…minus a few massive character flaws that leave me unable to commit to a relationship/not act like a tremendous douche.

But I have always, always been an audiophile.  Major live events are often filed away and categorized in my head by an accompanying playlist.  For example, when my late dad died, I listened to a lot of Johnny Cash (which the two of us used to listen to together as we prepared holiday feasts).  When I think about planning weddings, I think of Regina Spektor and Leigh Nash.

Football season is nigh upon the horizon (and by “nigh,” I mean tonight), and I know that NFL Guy and I have certain songs that get us pumped for Saturdays and Sundays. (more…)

Go Sar! It’s your birthday!  And a holiday!  Kick your leg up!  Do a split!  And some other stuff!

I am a Black-hooded Ninja of WIN. Behold my glory!

What can we say about Sar?  That she is our very own Yogi Berra?  That she is thoughtful and sweet and has smarts to spare?  That she puts the “sar” in sartastic?  Yes!  Today is the anniversary of the day the world was blessed with the Tao of Sar.  And so we bring you, a day of Sar, starting with a Glossary of Shit You Didn’t Know But Now You Do (or at least Now You Will):

1.  Anniversary: Yeah that’s right, bitches. It’s the anniversary of the day on which Sar escaped from uterine confinement wearing nothing but a smile. (Yes. She was nekkid. She was a saucy lass, even as a baby.)

2.  Apsaras:  “Supernatural beautiful girls: they appear as young women of great beauty and elegance who are proficient in the art of dancing.” Well, Christ on a biscuit. Sar is a supernatural woman of great beauty and elegance, and if you’d ever seen her do the worm you’d know home girls got funky fresh moves. She doesn’t even need cardboard!

3.  Sarasota: Where our lovely Sar may or may not have been born-slash-traveled-slash-had an embarrassing incident involving a pineapple, a sewing kit, a roll of duct tape, and a man named Spanky. Emphasis on (“may not.”)

4.  Emissary: Sar is an Agent of Awesome, sent on a mission to advance the interests of Awesome. It gets very confusing sometimes when I tell people to go to AA… they think I’m calling them an alcoholic when, in actuality, I’m telling them they need to wrap their hands around some awesome and that I know just the person who can help with that sort of thing.

5.  Asarabacca:  “A species of wild ginger with single axillary dull purple flowers, lying on the ground.” Well that’s, er, weird. I mean I got excited when I saw “wild ginger,” and started squealing when I saw “axillary” and then the word “dull “ hit me like a brick to the face… much in the way that Sar will hit you with a brick in your own face in the Applebee’s parking lot if you dare suggest that Snuffleupagus is better than the Cookie Monster.

"Why yes, of course I do synchronize swimming... when I'm not slapping people in the face with Awesome, that is."

6.  Assart:  “Forest land cleared for agriculture.” “What kind of agriculture?” you might ask. Well, that’s a long story involving corn, the children thereof, and Sar ridding the world of evil armed with a machete and a wicked pair of steel-toed boots.

7.  Caesarian: Legend has it that Sar was cut out of her mother’s womb clutching something in her hand. After much cajoling, the doctors pried that “something” out of her little hand. It turned out to be a crouton.  She was very forward thinking when it came to Caesar salads.

8.  Dispensary: Where Sar hands out her daily dose of KICKASS and WIN whenever people with KICKASS and WIN deficiencies need a quick fix.

9.  Sardines:  Ew.  No way.  Not Evah.  Sarrrrrrskairnst.

10.  Baresark: “A Berserker, or Norse warrior who fought without armor, or shirt of mail.” Does this sound like Sar to you? Yeah, me too.

Happy Birthday Sar!  We come because we love you; we stay for the delicious cookies.

Lurbs,

stopthemadness and Lisa(#1)

Because gyros are the heroes of the sandwich world

As Sar and I were working together on Top Ten Reasons to Trust the Bible, we had a little side conversation about why it is that the Greeks got the shaft and the Jews came out as gyros heroes when the Bible was written both in Hebrew and Greek.  Our conversation then turned to what the Greeks have done for us lately.  And so this list was born.  -stopthemadness

(more…)

Because It’s Not Obvious

I was listening to talk radio the other day and I heard an advertisement for a recently published book entitled Ten Reasons To Trust the Bible, and I laughed and laughed–I think  the title of the book hilarious.  I don’t know what the book is about, and I probably never will read it (I confess I’ve never read the Bible cover to cover even though I was supposed to for a Literature class in college), but it sparked the idea for this list.  Many thanks to Sar for her invaluable help.  -stopthemadness

(more…)

Unless you’re a construction worker or a policeman or fireman.  Probably best to stick to being an Indian or a biker, really.

Yeah, fuck that

Good news!  Fewer people are dying in work related accidents. Bad news.  It’s because fewer people are working.  The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics’ National Census of Fatal Occupation Injuries report is out and while I hate to spoil the ending for you, I have to report that work-related fatalities dropped 6% to a total of 5,488, the lowest number  since 1992. Construction work is still the most dangerous job overall, causing around 1100 deaths each year, but there are many, many construction workers so their professional average is relatively low.

So what jobs are the most dangerous?  Based on deaths per 100,000 employees, here’s a list of the top 5.

(more…)

Canada is not awesome Edition

After posting my reasons as to why the French are jerks, one of our favorite commenters was a bit upset because I said the Canadian military is as intimidating as the French military, and she gave us a list of 15 reasons why Canada is awesome. I’m here once again to discredit that notion, while adding a few reasons why Canada is better than France and has a few awesome things.

Note: This is in no way an attack on rumoUr or Canada; it’s merely a subjective list. Everyone is entitled to her opinion, but if it’s different than mine, it’s wrong! Thanks!

(more…)

Strangely Enough, the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies Didn’t Make the List

I’ve recently becomes a fan of the web site Funk Jelly. Last week they did a list of The 10 Worst Songs to Lose Your Virginity To. I got a few songs into the list and I found myself putting together my own list. Their pick for the number one song made me laugh and I thought was a perfect choice. When you have a few minutes I recommend going over and checking out their list.

Here’s the list they inspired:

(more…)

Fun and Games with Balls

Stopthemadness has a couple of quirky friends that love to play quirky games.  They came up with this one on a road trip in New Zealand.  The only clear radio station they could find was an Easy Listening station, so they decided to replace the word “love” with the word “balls” and hilarity ensued.  Thundersquee! hereby brings the hilarity right to your computer machines.

Childish?  Yes.  Silly?  Uh-huh?  A much needed respite from discussions of racism, sexism, gay marriage-ism, and broken microwavism?  Absolutely.

I’ve Got My Balls to Keep Me Warm, Frank Sinatra

The snow is snowing, the wind is blowing
But I can weather the storm
What do I care how much it may storm?
I’ve got my balls to keep me warm

(more…)

Top Ten Reasons Sonia Sotomayor is Unfit for the Supreme Court

1. She’s a chick lady: Never trust anything that bleeds once a month, but won’t die.

2. She’s Mexican: They’re taking our jerbs!  She will amend the Constitution to force all Americans to speak Mexicanese!

3. She’s Puerto Rican: What the hell is “Puerto Rican” anyway?  Everybody knows that “Puerto Rican” is just an elitist term for “Mexican.”  (See Number 2.)

4. She eats traditional Puerto Mexican cuisine like pig ears and pig intestines: Two words:  Swine Flu.

5. Her last name is weird: More Thomases, Robertses, and Stevenses please.

6. If you rearrange the letters in her last name, “Sotomayor,” you get “Mao roots y”: Hey Sonia, I don’t know “y” you have “mao roots,” but this here is Amurika, and we don’t take kindly to communists.

7.  If you rearrange the letters in her full name, “Sonia Sotomayor,” you get “A arsonist moo yo”: Do we really need some crazed pyromaniac on the Supreme Court?  Especially one who apparently talks to cows in street slang, yo?

8.  She grew up in New York: Do you know what used to stand tall in New York?  The World Trade Center.  Now I’m not saying she had anything to do with it, but, she does looks sort of terrorist-y around the eyes.

9. She can’t pee standing up: Anyone who can’t figure how to pee correctly–standing up–has no business in the Supreme Court.  Never fear, Sonia; the magic cone will solve this problem.

10. She was born on June 25: Gay bathroom stall enthusiast and pop singer, George Michael also was born on June 25.  Coincidence?  I think not.  Clearly, she’s going to legalize gay marriage, which in turn will give us all the gay resulting in a sharp increase in formerly heterosexual citizens deciding to get gay married.  End of civilization as we know it.  Fire rains from the sky.  Water turns to ice.  And you thought dinosaurs had a crap time when they became extinct.

And so do dogs

Adorable eater of faces

Usually when it’s a slow news day you get “Dog Bites Man” type stories, but one Knoxville news source seems to be confused about the placement of that “s.”  In what one can only hope was the result of an attempt at running the most inane story ever to have existed, or a bet either won or lost,  WBIR.com devoted time and space to a “news” story warning people dogs can bite.  No, really–a serious news piece.  The opening paragraph reads as follows:

“They can be cute and cuddly, but even friendly dogs can be unpredictable, warns the American College of Emergency Physicians (ACEP).”

First, thanks for that warning, American College of Emergency Physicians. I look forward to future press releases about the dangers involved in setting yourself on fire, and possibly an official announcement on the importance of breathing.

(more…)

10 Things I Hate and You Should Too, Edition

No. 8, You're cordially invited to a brick party

1. 3 o’clock in the morning: I’m usually up at this time and 3 o’clock is the world’s way of telling me I’m a degenerate. How you ask? Because that’s when any semblance of decent programming goes off the air and I’m stuck with infomercials about male enhancement pills and the Aerogarden.

2. The voice black comedians use when making fun of white people: Seriously, we don’t all talk like we wear Lacoste, nor do we talk like our mothers breastfed us too long, cut it out. Thanks!

(more…)

Because We’re Meta

1.    Billboard Top 100

2.    AFI Top 100

3.    Grocery

4.    Craigs

5.    Buddy

6.    This One

7.    To the Left

8.    Black

9.    Shit

10.  Schindler’s

FLOTUS Floozies: Part Two

As I ranted two days ago, Michelle Obama is catching flack in the media for being too sexy–for daring to go sleeveless.  What the media fails to realize is that there are presidential prostitutes aplenty.

Yesterday, I recounted the first five FLOTUS (First Ladies of the United States) Floozies.  Well, dear readers, it’s time to crack open another cold can of awesome.

Here are your final five floozies, in no particular order:

Harriet Lane

Harriet Lane—an obvious temptress—served as FLOTUS during her uncle James Buchanan’s presidency, making her the only FLOTUS in history who didn’t have to screw her way into the White House.

(more…)

Or future daughters…or sons…or cats

Yesterday we brought you 10 Actresses You Won’t Mind Your Daughters Looking Up To, and today, as promised,  we bring you their opposites. This list was harder to compile than one might think, but it also requires less explanation.  To that end I’ll let the pictures do the talking.

Here’s our list.

(more…)

Or future daughters…or girls you know…or sons…or cats…

In no particular order…

Angela Bassett

Education: B.A. African American Studies, Yale University; M.F.A. Yale School of Drama
Fluencies: English
Causes: Youth Arts Programs, UNICEF

Notable Awards and Accomplishments:

• UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador
• Full scholarship to Yale
• 1993, Golden Globe Award Winner - Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy, What’s Love Got to Do With It
• 1994, Academy Award Nominee - Best Actress in a Leading Role, What’s Love Got to Do with It
• 2002, Emmy Nominee - Outstanding Lead Actress in a Mini-Series/Television Movie, The Rosa Parks Story
• 2008, Star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame

(more…)

Musical Doings

1722 - Johann Ernst Bach was born. No one cares as he was J.S.’s nephew.

1908 - Julia Ward Howe, author of the trifling ditty “The Battle Hymn of the Republic,” was the first woman elected to the American Academy of Arts and Letters.

1956 - Elvis Presley’s first television appearance on the Dorsey Brother’s Stage Show. Forrest Gump was not in attendance.

1969 - The Who’s Pete Townsend & Roger Daltrey celebrated the fourth anniversary of their first British television appearance (on Ready Steady Go!) by hooliganizing and being charged with assault.

1978 - Ted Nugent autographed a fan’s arm with his bowie knife. He then celebrated the kill by wearing a loin cloth.

1985 - “We Are The World,” was recorded by USA for Africa. It was inspired by Band-Aid and their equally crummy single.

1991 - M.C. Hammer and Janet Jackson won favorite Soul/RB artists and Tony, Toni, Tone! won for favorite Soul/RB Group at the American Music Awards, teaching the world that you can’t touch this, unless you’re part of the Rhythm Nation and and the rhythm feels good to you. Then you can take it away.

1992 -”Smells Like Nirvana” by Weird Al Yankovic hits #35 on the Billboard hot 100.