A DUI judge???

File this under things that don’t make sense. Somehow Lindsay Lohan got a gold star from the judge overseeing her DUI probation. Yes, that Linday Lohan. The Lindsay Lohan who is constantly running around acting crazy. The one that clearly has some sort of drug or alcohol problem. What kind of probation is she on??

It’s not fair for me to assume that Lindsay is on drugs. It could be all that fake tanning stuff she uses; I’ve already proven that stuff will rot your brain. I don’t really know what the terms of her probation are and I’m to lazy to google it right now, but I’m pretty sure she hasn’t completely complied. I mean, I’ve known people on probation for DUI and usually they have a alcohol monitoring bracelet and they lose their license. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen pictures Lindsay drinking and driving since her DUI. But then again, she’s a celebrity so I’m sure her probation just limits her to 10 drinks a night and she can only do hard drugs on Fridays. Ah, to be famous.

Continues to Be Adequite!

Jesus H. Biscuits and gravy with a side of shrimp grits, y’all.  Lindsay Lohan continues to break my heart.  OK, she doesn’t really (although it’s true that I have a soft spot for her… and Britney),  but I did watch Mean Girls recently and she was just so damn good in it, TMIMO.  She was healthy, had a normal sized rack, her hair was the proper color, and well… she didn’t look like a cracked out whackadoodle.  But those days are long gone.  And maybe it’s time I poured some on the curb for my cracked out homey and just let go of the sadness.  This girl is beyond help.  She keeps callin’ it a comeback, but L.L. can’t even help her now.

Lindsay’s notion of a “comeback” seems to be all about sex and nekkidness.   Leggings with kneepads?  Check.  Nude photo shoot that is a failed attempt at paying tribute to Marilyn Monroe?  Check.  Nude photo shoot that is a failed attempt at paying tribute to the steamy decade-old relationship between British coke vacuum model Kate Moss and hot cup of Bale Johnny Depp?  Check.

From the New York Post:

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Linky-loos you can use.

The man responsible for all of Michael Jackson’s fuckeduppedness (what, it’s a word!) is really itching to get his hands on MJ’s estate.   Joe Jackson is approximately one unit dooshier than Jon Gosselin.  D Listed.

Some adult filmmaker dooshbag is planning to make a movie about the kidnap, rape, and 18 year long captivity of Jaycee Dugard.   First, sports dooshbags mocking  her, and now this?  Shane Ryan, the doosh in question is currently filming Abducted Girl: An American Sex Slave. Sarah’s vagina is pissed, y’all.  Mercury News.

Rosie and Natasha.  Oh my heck.  These are some of the scariest photos ever to be burned into my eyeholes.  D Listed.

Angelina Jolie’s face is blowing up the Internet.  Who is Salt?  And more importantly, is she Sea or Kosher?  Defamer.

Lindsay Lohan freaked the fuck out last night at an opening for Pascal Mouawad’s new watch line at Kitson in Los Angeles.  Apparently Pascal said she could have $500 worth of free shit.  Lindsay ran around the store stuffing goodies into her nether regions and tried to walk out with $15,000 worth of free shit.  When she was told to slow her roll, Lindsay had a temper tantrum.   Ultimately, she was permitted to walk away with $2,000 worth of free shit.  Ding dang, y’all.  I live ten minutes from Kitson, and honestly, squeeps, I don’t get what the big deal is.  They sell crap, crap, and more crap.  To Lindsay’s credit, $2,000 worth of free crap from Kitson probably amounts to a t shirt and one sock, and, dagnabbit, she knows her crazy ass is worth at least a complete pair of socks.  Celebitchy.

Chris friggin’ Brown.  You are outdooshing both Joe Jackson AND Jon Gosselin.  Now make like Joey Gladstone and Cut.It.Out.  Celebitchy.

Any Ryan Reynolds news is good Ryan Reynolds news.  Even when it’s potentially bad Ryan Reynolds news.  Pajiba.

Rihanna is a hot drunk mess.  Judge not lest ye be Judge Judy.  Bossip.

Are you ready to break up with Obama?  It’s been ten months.  His “First Hundred Days” have come and gone.  One blogger explains why she’s still in love.  Fierce and Nerdy.

That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout, squeepersons!

Haiku Edition

How’d it go so wrong
Pimped by my parents for fame
I’m a cautionary tale

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Time to stick it to the boss

It’s that time of the week again. It’s time to look deep in thought so your fellow co-workers will leave you alone and your boss will think you are working on a way to save the business tons of money.

This week’s first game we have to keep a secret. We can’t let our resident Angry Black Lady find out about it.  The game is called Haystax. All the black sheep have decided to get on top of the bales of hay and the farmer in the dell has a problem with that. So the farmer sets out to oppress the black sheep and keep them down by kicking white sheep at them and knocking them off their pedestals.  I bet this farmer voted for McCain-Palin.

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Choose your caption. (a) Kirstie Alley has more chins than a Chinese phonebook. (b) Kirstie Alley is preparing for her role as Sally Struthers in a Help Feed The Children commercial. (c) There will be no bargain, young Jedi. I shall enjoy watching you die.

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We should all be ashamed of ourselves for judging.

Remember a couple of days ago when Michael Lohan released private convos between himself and Lindsay? We were all, “What a douchebag,” “What parent would tape private conversations with their child and hold on to them to use at a later date?”

Well, guess who just released another clip of a private conversation? If you guessed, Mi Han ( I just made that up, I’m working on it), then you win nothing but you are correct, Squeep. But don’t  you go spilling your beer; if you do, will judge you, so please don’t spill the nectar of heaven. Especially if it’s Bud Light Lime.)

Let me explain:  He’s only doing this to clear his besmirched name. You can hear Dina talking about getting a knuckle sandwich in the pie hole from Lindsay. They said Lindsay had to go to rehab and Lindsay knocked a mother trucker out. Let that be a lesson to you all if you ever run into her. Don’t mention the word that rhymes with, “mefab.”

Dina also claims she tried to get Lindsay not to move to Hollywood when she turned 18. Ummm, I find that hard to believe since she partied with her daughter and once said,  “Lindsay’s having to go to rehab was ‘ridiculous’.” Or maybe Dina just said that because she didn’t want to get punched again?

But now you can see why Mi Han had to do this, right? By releasing this tape his name will be cleared because……., oh yeah, “Lohan says he only released the personal audio tapes because he’s afraid for his daughter’s life, and he’s tired of being targeted as the bad guy.” And somehow his releasing all these tapes will make Lindsay more willing to enter rehab and also make him look less douchey.

Soooooo, releasing the tapes will make him look like less of a bad guy because……ummmm, I’m going to have to ponder this more as my brain was twisted right into a pretzel working this all out.

Now don’t you feel like a big jerk for thinking the worst of him?

Linky-loos you can use.

Maine repealed its same sex marriage law by a narrow margin yesterday.  And let me tell you; Sarah’s vagina is angry about it. If you want to avoid her labial wrath, here’s a guide to what’s good for you: Five Movies That Might Encourage Narrow-Minded Assholes to Vote for Same Sex Marriage. Pajiba.

Hey, Dallas cheerleader-lady?  It’s never a good idea to dress up in blackface for Halloween.  Unless you’re a dude dressing up like a dude playing the dude disguised as another dude.  Now that would be meta.  But you probably don’t know what meta means.  Deadspin.

The world according to Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-NC): The only thing we have to fear is… the health care reform bill.  That shit is scarier than terrorism.  (Her words, not mine.)  America Blog.

Nicole Kidman claims to be in to kinky sex.  Since she was married to Tom Cruise for ten years, and Keith Urban for the past three, I’d say she’s a gottdamn liar.  Unless by “kinky sex” means “heavy botox.”  Lainey Gossip.

Dooshtastic Father of the Year, Michael Lohan released taped phone conversations with his daughter, Lindsay during which she sobs: “No one cares about me. They don’t, by the way. It’s about how they feel, not how I feel. It’s not about me. It’s never been about me, unless I fight for it.” Oh Linds.  I’m still pulling for you. But your knee pad leggings aren’t helping.  I’m jus’ sayin’.  D Listed.

Miss Thang, Carrie Prejean settled her lawsuit with the pageantry peeps because she was afeared that her  sex tape would be released.  TMZ has thus far refused, claiming the shit is naaaaaaaaasty.  Oh, TMZ!  You’re so virtuous.  You are the standard by which all other celebrity gossip rags should be measured.  Now give me the damn Carrie Prejean sex tape, or the bunny gets it.  And please oh please let there be some hypocritical sapphic action all up in there.  Remember when she said this: “I am a Christian, and I am a model. Models pose for pictures, including lingerie and swimwear photos.” My how the pious whore has fallen.  I mean, who doesn’t want to watch a perfect Christian with fake hooters get cornholed by a girl with a strap-on?   I know I do.  Gawker.

Facebook, you’re pissing me off.  Quit suggesting friends to me!  Quit suggesting that I suggest friends to other people!  Quit suggesting I “catch up” with some motherfucker who I’m probably ignoring on purpose!  YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD, FACEBOOK!  Tremendous News.

And that, squeeps, is how it is.

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I really thought they would die together.

Skimming Rainbow Presents: Teams

Being part of a team is an interesting alternative to accomplishing things alone. It isn’t always easy, nor does it always turn out to be right. But when you get just the right group, it can be amazing. Being an island is a little overrated. So team up! Maybe you’ll find yourself a little bit stronger, and your resources a little bit wider.

According to the internet this week…

• I hate that Jon and Hailey are officially over. I was so looking forward to seeing them next season on Tool Academy. Jon had already nailed the “Let me prove myself” speech.
• A bunch of kids formed a gang that successfully robbed celebrity houses.
• Ten pitchers (like for drinks) got together to make me suddenly feel like I really need a pitcher.
• Get one-upped until you feel so outranked that you need to validate your tastes by falling in love with someone at this hipster-only dating site.
• These young rappers would have fared better if they started their order with “two all beef patties.” McDonalds isn’t so into originality.
• Lindsay and Dina have joined forces against (the absolutely terrifying TMIMO) Michael Lohan. I guess a brush with the barrel of a water gun makes a woman re-prioritize.

…And who’s on your team this week, Squeeple?

I see no fash-on, it’s all a big fash-off

Let’s you and I have a little pow wow, Lindsay. I know you really think you dress well and sometimes you really look cute (pre-banana hair and orange skin). But I really think you need to ditch the fashion designer thing. It’s not a good start when the man who hires you admits it’s just a publicity stunt:

“Mounir Moufarrige, the new chief executive of Ungaro, said his intention was to give the aging brand the equivalent of “electric shock treatment.”

I don’t know if maybe you thought that was a compliment? But I should let you know they really don’t do electric shock treatment anymore because, it’s not good.

I also want to show you something, Lindsay.

Look, those are genie pants. You know who wears genie pants, genies? Oh, and Vanilla Ice as well as Mc Hammer. But it was the 80’s and everyone was doing it. And I’m not even going to start in on the cumberbund and cape look. WWTGS (what would Tim Gunn say)?

Probably something like, “The whole thing looks like faux bois.”

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The gossip magazines need a new  famous crazy person

I just read something that had no business being reported and now I’m kind of mad. Why do people feel the need to report when Britney Spears goes to Target or buys a bird? Who the hell cares? What’s next, reporting how many times she blinked? In the words of stopthemadness, render unto me a fucking break. We need a new wild child in Hollywood because this sort of thing is happening more and more often. The celebrity gossip world is dying because Britney became sane (a good thing), Paris learned to keep a lower profile (an even better thing) and LiLo just does the same thing over and over and it’s gotten boring. I know it’ll only be a couple of  years before Miley loses it but it’s hard to write about celebrities when they aren’t doing anything. Stop making my life hard!

I'm guessing the back of Lilo's shirt says LOL!

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I drink the potion from Death Becomes Her and now I coochie coochie forever!

Skimming Rainbow Presents: How I Spent My Labor Day Weekend

• Charo: I yam estremly honor doobie at de tellehlo yearly leweh two touson nine! (Translation: I humped an innocent lady at 4:02.)

• Kim Kardashian: I finally located and secured the one celebrity friend who makes me look interesting? We do our makeup together for hours and hours?

• Judge Judy: David Hasselhoff peed on my leg and told me it’s raining.  Judges have to be able to uphold the law that they enforce. Do you see where I’m going with this, Hoff?

• Jesus: My child, I washed and buffed my sweet Escalade.

• WTF!?: I hung out with Kirsten Dunst in Japan. (Later we went out for drinks with O Noes! and Wharrgarbl, but as you might have guessed, Wharrgarbl got us kicked out everywhere we went.)

• Maggie Gyllenhaal: I talked about the paparazzi and walked around dressed as the love child of Diane Keaton and a flapper. Again.

• Mangled Old Barbie: I’ve been pretty depressed since Sar gave me that makeover with her Fiskars. So to make myself feel better, I donated my hair to Lady Gaga.

…And how did you spend your Labor Day, Squeeple?

Movies Quote Edition

Be the first on your block to correctly identify the quote to the movies they came from. Remember, cheaters never win, unless of course they are the “Women’s” Chinese Gymnastics team, so try and guess them on your own.

"Excuse me while I whip this out."

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She looks like ten pounds of 50-year old white trash.

Lindsay Lohan and her new crazy ass lip job appears to be completing her transformation into a 50 year old Hollywood used-to-be-famous-but-now-is-washed-up-and-a-hot-steaming-bowl-of-sad.  One more step and it will be “I’m ready for my close up, Mr. DeMille.”  Except Mr. DeMille will be Mr. Weird Guy Who Makes Snuff Films In His Basement.

She looks like a crazy ass.  Crazy orange hair, Crazy orange skin, crazy lips blown so far up they could only serve one real purpose–IYKWIMAITYD–which is confusing considering she caught Teh Gay.

Lindsay.  What in the name of Cruise is wrong with you?  I keep pulling for you, but you keep breaking wind in my face.  Get thine shit together.  You’re hitting critical Doosh Stage IV. Please and thank you.

There is some serious dark wizardry going on here. How can one photo be so wrong and so right?

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Guilty Girl Crushes Edition

OK, maybe not crushes…

Most all of us have a soft spot for some female celebrity that we know we probably shouldn’t like, but do. For instance, I have a soft spot for Lily Allen, even though she’s spent a lot of time running her mouth when she shouldn’t and getting falling down drunk in public.  I know she behaves deplorably on a regular basis, but there’s just something about her that makes me want to take her in, set her shit straight and tell her she has permission to hate her father or whatever, then help her realize self-esteem is where it’s at.

Stopthemadness will lovingly defend Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears because she sees two screwed up young women, rather than the hot messes many of us judge them to be.  The point is, we know they aren’t role models, but there’s just something in them that we see and like,  and maybe feel a tiny bit ashamed for doing so.

So I ask you, who’s yours? If you’re a guy, feel free to name a male celebrity.

Repent! The End is Nigh!!!

Back on July fourth, Lilo and Russell Brand were both at a Fourth of July party thrown by Diddy and Ashton Kutcher. It seems Lindsay was on her own for the night and was struck by a passing craving for man meat. Enter Russell Brand, a man who will sleep with anything that has a warm wet hole, and the warm and the wet parts are often optional. Lindsay made her move, but according to The Sun, Russell was having none of Samantha Ronson’s sloppy seconds.

Lindsay is a very good-looking girl and she is used to getting what she wants. Russell has been on her radar for a while now but he doesn’t want anything to do with her. He finds her constant craving for attention and her heavy drinking a turn-off. It’s not like he is short of female attention anyway.

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Apparently Karl Lagerfeld is going to be the next Austin Powers villain. Seriously, why would you take fashion advice from someone who looks like George Hamilton's junk?

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Marilyn Manson might want to lay off the Little Debbies. He's starting to bare a striking resemblance to my Aunt Betty.

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