Douching, I mean duking it out

Michael Lohan has accused Jon Gosselin of “stabbing him in the back,” because he had a business arrangement with Gosselin in which he allegedly would act as what sounds like a freelance agent for Gosselin–he would get Jon work in return for a percentage of his fee–and Gosselin reneged.

“Jon knows what the deal was. I kept him out of harm’s way… and he stabbed me in the back,” Lohan told Access. “When you open your door to somebody and you give them a safe haven and a place to go and then they turn around and bite the hand that feeds or stab you in the back, that doesn’t sit well with me.”

“Jon has hurt a lot of people in his life, ” Lohan added. “I feel bad for him.”

I want to be happy that these two de-combined their wonder-doosh powers, but I can’t help but be a little sad.  A doosh force of that caliber would have surely eclipsed Speidi. Then again, it might also have eclipsed the sun and caused the earth to enter an eternal state of vinegar winter.  So now I’m torn…

John Hodg-bale

Author, humorist, The Daily Show Correspondent, ferret wrangler, PC

Brian Bonsall arrested for assault

Seriously, that butterfly disturbs me.

You may remember him as the adorable kid that Family Ties used to jump the shark, but these days he’s a creepy looking dude with an oddly feminine throat tattoo…and a drunken brawler…allegedly.

According to police reports, Bonsall “got into a fight at an apartment on Saturday and hit a friend with part of a broken wooden stool.”  The former child star’s defense? “I was drunk and don’t remember.”

Well, then…that makes it all OK…

Battle of the Bulge

The quickest way for an actress to win an Oscar is to get “ugly,” but the quickest way for an actor to grab a little golden bald guy is to get fat.  De Niro set the standard in Raging bull and many a thespian has spent his evenings gorging on ice cream in an attempt to impress the academy ever since. (Also impressive: playing a dude playin’ the dude, disguised as another dude.  Just never go full retard.)

So today’s question is, who would you rather…

The Informant vs. The Doctor

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Proof!

Upon seeing this kitten, scientists could no longer deny that both squee! and captionability are genetic traits.

And brush your teeth after every meal

What is the best bit of wisdom or advice you’ve been given, read or heard?

Maybe you were an Ann Landers fan, or had a rockin’ sage grandma.  Maybe something in a comic book struck a chord, or maybe it was a line from a movie, or a Shakespeare quote misattributed to Jesus that changed your life–we don’t care if it was first spoken by Confucious or a three year old, if it’s earth shatteringly profound, or if it’s just saved you from having horrible gas in public, bring it on. Spill share…you could change a life, or possibly save someone from constipation

Nooooo! YAAAAYYY!

The biggest emotional rollerc oaster you’ll ride all day comes in the form of the best possible outcome to a mother’s worst nightmare. CCTV footage captured an Australian woman standing on a train platform losing control of the baby carriage holding her 6 month old child.  She’s forced to watch in horror as the carriage falls onto the track and is almost instantly hit by a train.  I know, you’re thinking “OMG, LILY DON’T TELL ME THIS!” But guess what!  The baby is fine!  This afternoon awesome is brought to you by the defiance of all odds and the number 7!

A tall drink

The tufts on his newly formed head nobblets get me the most.

“I’m at LEAST two”*

Last night I was mindin’ muh business, perusing Facebook, when an update appeared from Rev. Random. Most of you know the Rev. from the comment section and know she usually has something interesting, insightful, or hilarious to add, so my natural inclination was to click the link.  I did, and that’s when all reason left me and I was unable to function or form words for the next several minutes.   What she linked to was this: A story about a Louisiana Justice of the Peace who refused to marry an interracial couple. After reading the first few sentences I twitched, I spasmed, I twitched again and grunted, then finally I let out a stream of expletives that only stopped when my brain shut down in either self-defense, or what might be the first documented case of Tourette’s Overload.

Note: I know many of the hags and squeers are in interracial relationships, or as I like to call them, relationships, so you might want to tape your head before reading.

In the article, Justice of the Peace Keith Bardwell states, “he refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple out of concern for any children the couple might have. ” and that “it is his experience that most interracial marriages do not last long.”

That’s where I started twitching, but it wasn’t until after I tried to wrap my mind around his declaration that he wasn’t a racist that my brain broke. He said:

“I’m not a racist. I just don’t believe in mixing the races that way,” Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. “I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else.”

Recipe for cerebral hemorrhage : 1 part confusion, 1 part slack jawed awe at the absurdity, 2 parts anger, stir.

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And speaking in tongues

Occasionally a product comes along that you know is destined for greatness. This, dear squeers, is one of those products. It’s not often we stamp our giant Thundersquee! Squeel! of approval on something. We are some picky bitches, but try as we might, we can see no downside–except maybe that it has a portmanteau for a name, but if we can forgive Lewis Carroll, we can forgive this product.  After all, what has Carroll done for us lately? So without further ado, we introduce to you the Sqweel Oral Sex Simulator (batteries are even included). I wonder if we can get a Thundersquee! branded version…

Remember when the M in MTV stood for music?  Yeah, we do too. Fuck MTV for taking that away from us.  We still love music videos as an art form, and wish MTV would come to its senses (or at least have the decency to change its name).  However, it’s doubtful they’ll return to the music video driven format any time soon, so we will attempt to help keep the concept alive. To that end, here’s a list of the 50 best music videos ever.

These choices have very little to do with the songs themselves; these are videos that either  made the medium better through innovation, or made the songs better by capturing something or adding another dimension to it or to the artist. We allowed ourselves only one video from each artist or group because certain artists tend to be more video oriented. That made it much more difficult, and keeping it to 50 nearly proved to be lethal, but we made it!

Here they are, in no particular order. We hope you have as much fun with them as we did. Let us know what you think. What would you add to the list to make it more definitive?

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Life in 5,7,5

We at Thundersquee! can’t help but be indignant at the inequities of the poetic form when it comes to expressing the more low brow moments in life. So, to help even the field we offer you Lowku. The game and aim are simple. Twice a month we’ll display an image of one of life’s more “WTF?” moments, and your mission is to carefully select words that add up to 17 syllables and string them together in 5,7,5 form in order to describe said image or tell its story. The winners of the previous challenge will be announced at the start of the following round and a new image will be posted to ignite the next bout of genius.

Here’s today’s inspiration.

Inter-squee-cies Friendship

I love the story this photo tells.  The dog is picking up the cat to go on an adventure.  It’s as if the dog is saying “Excuse me, kitteh?  It’s doggeh.  Please hop down from that roof now.  I have come to escort you to the party.  We don’t want to be late.”

Happy Birthday, lava!

Today is Squeer! lava’s something-something birthday.  She said she didn’t want a fuss, just money, but currently our pockets are overflowing with fuss, but contain very little cash.  So please join us in a rousing round of happy birthday, and break out your best breakfast wine to toast our dear lava.  I should also mention she accepts checks.

David Bale-anaz

For lava, on the occasion of her birth.  Enjoy!

Cake Squee!

Did we mention Janet should have a happy birthday?

WTF!? Edition

Thanks to a tip from AdmittedlyAddicted, we bring you a pole dancing doll, because your daughter needs to learn to be sexually objectified at the earliest possible age. Hey! Great idea just in (my head).  You could buy her a Glutton baby too, and she could pretend like the flowers on the bra are pasties while she emulates a pole dancer on the playground jungle gym!

(Free self-esteem issue with every order. Ages 3 and Up, batteries not included, call today. Operators are standing by.)

Because even the proletariat (we mean Janet) have to be born Edition

We hags understand that celebrating in style requires more cash than most grad students have on hand, but we still want Janet to have the best birthday possible, because she is awesome.  Realizing that Gwyneth Paltrow is a veritable font of advice on economically minded elitism, we felt certain she’d have a few ideas to make Janet’s day of revelry more enjoyable. So we headed to the internet with only one question in mind: “What would Gwyneth do?”

After an exhausting 10 minutes of thoroughly studying The Way of Paltrow, we feel eminently qualified to dispense the birthday advice we are sure she would give Janet if she weren’t contemptuous of her relative poverty. So, here it is.  May it make your day a little brighter, Janet.

Gwynnie’s Guide to Living Large without Much Large

Fine Dining: Dining out at top ranked restaurants can be expensive, but killing and eating a top ranked chef is free. It’s like there’s a Michelin Star in every bite.

Note: This can get a little messy, so you might need to buy a box of those things the lady who cleans things uses to put things we don’t want in. Whatever they’re called…You know, the big, plastic bag type things the big truck takes away. Anyway, I don’t think they’re expensive because she buys them, and I pay her so I know how much she earns, and she doesn’t seem to steal from us, so how much can they actually cost?

Fine Arts: Obviously poor people can’t afford to go to the ballet, but I think they at least know about it, right? Do you know about the ballet?  If so, you could pretend you’re at the ballet, or pretend you’re a beautiful ballerina. SO thin…SO pretty…I do this all the time, and I’m not even poor!

Personal fulfillment: Whenever important people (anyone richer than you) are around, ignore the little people (anyone less rich than you), and make jokes at their expense. Social climbing is almost as fun as Kabbalah.

And finally I’d like to leave you with my personal philosophy: “Condescension is always free.”  May it carry you as far as it has carried me.

Happy birthday, Janet! All joking aside, may it be the best ever, or at least in the top 5.

Happy Birthday, Janet Edition

Hag extraordinaire Janet was born in Canada on this day.  To help get this celebration under way, we bring you some hot guys from Canada.

We here at Thundersquee! love our commenters. We love them so much that we’d sneak out to the parking lot behind the bleachers and make out with them in the back seat of their bitchin’ Camaro. But Thundersquee! is classy, so there will be no heavy petting. Instead, Thundersquee! will highlight the most squee!-worthy comments in a weekly column aptly titled Best in Squee!

And the award goes to…

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