Invites Them to See “The Gun Show,” Maybe Some Cartoons Later

Hey! Remember how Balloon Boy’s dad turned out to be an exploitative dooshface? And so are Jon and Kate? And Octomom? Well, you’ll stop thinking about those losers in just a second!

Giuliano Stroe, AGE THIS MANY (that’s five fingers) of Romania has become famous for his bodybuilding skillz. The boy’s dad, Iuliano Stroe, says that the kid’s been going with him to the gym since he was born, and has been training since he was THIS MANY (that’s two fingers.)

One could say that this is just how this particular father and son have “bonded,” and that it’s nice that they have shared interests. That’s if one weren’t willing to stop and consider questioning the motives of a father who would start a toddler on a rigorous weight-training schedule, and then put him in a bunch of competitions. But no worries! Papa Stroe says that “if he gets tired, we go and play.” Which is weird, because when I was five, I got tired FROM playing! This kid is just going and going all the time! People would pay good money to have that kind of energy! And the ability to pack on that kind of muscle! If only there were some kind of injection…

Oh.

Kennesaw, GA, You Do NOT Want To Incur My Wrath. I’m In A Hunting Mood.

On his third day at a new school, a boy in Kennesaw, GA, was told that he needed to “dress more manly” for school. The alternative option was to “consider being homeschooled.”  Wait - WHAT??

I am hiking up my “get offa my lawn!” pants now and telling you that back in MY day, there was such a thing as “compromise.” In high school, I had a mohawk. I wore so much black eyeliner and red lipstick that even after I cleaned it off I looked like I’d been permanently bricked in the face - also I wore torn tights, miniskirts with images of bloody knives on them, bustiers and knee-high Doc Martens to school. Was I counseled by my principal that it was a “distraction?” Yes. Was I told that the only alternative was homeschooling? Uh, NO… because THAT WOULD’VE BEEN INSANE. I was told to “tone it down a little, mmm’kay?” which meant “maybe you could look a little less hooker-y.” I stopped wearing the bustiers, started wearing t-shirts, and guess what? Everybody was mmm’kay. THAT is what is known as a “COMPROMISE.”

Jonathan Escobar wasn’t given a compromise. He had two choices: dress like a man or go home. WHAT?!
How ’bout NOT going from zero to mach sixty, and instead start with “Maybe don’t wear the florescent pink wig in your math class, mmm’kay?” Kids need to express themselves, but that doesn’t mean they’re incapable of working with you. So maybe, North Cobb High School, you could try being less of an asshole, mmm’kay?

(Thanks to Sar for the tip!)

OR BOTH?

It ain’t no Limahl, but after watching this earlier I can’t shake it from stalking my brain. I’ve been singing it in nonsense Swedish (”nonsense” because I don’t actually know any Swedish, other than “bork! Bork! Bork!”) all day.

Facebook Status Update, DHURRVS

Say you’re a junior high school aged kid, and you and your friend are out walkin’, just chillin’, and somehow find yourselves in a storm drain, and can’t find your way out. That would be scary, right?

But wait! You have cell phones! HOORAY! You have two options.
Option One: you frantically text your whereabouts and state of terrified anxiety TO YOUR FACEBOOK PAGE. Then you frantically await to be notified of your friends’ replies! Which will likely go as follows:

“UR WHERE? THAT’S CRAZY LOL!”

“a storm drain? WHAT IS THAT? btw, i need my english notes back! cross ur fingers, test tomorrow lol hope I pass this time”

“srsly, only u 2 could get trapped in a fukn drain! lrofl!”

“rly? omg!  u ok?  don’t go anywr - gotta p brb”

“I alwys new u’d get trppd in a strm drn haha good luck lmaoroflbbq”

“wharrgarblwharrgarblwharrgarbl+otherstuff”

“shud i call someone? i’m calling someone. wait i’ll find the nmbr to 911. hang on.”

Option Two: you call emergency services, and not waste your cell phone batteries on fucking around with your friends, as that will delay your rescue by HOURS.

Obviously, you choose Option One, because YOUR PARENTS ARE IDIOTS WHO HAVE TAUGHT YOU NOTHING.

Children Edition

Children. I really fucking hate children. I like my niece, she’s 12. And I’ve always liked her because she has always been (albeit shockingly) well mannered and courteous growing up, considering her mom and dad (my brother) are a bunch of divorced fucking idiots. I like my kid, but then again that could be because I gave her up for (open) adoption at birth. She may very well be an asshole. She is my kid after all, but I digress.

(more…)

Moms?  Keep Your Daughters Off the Pole!

The mother of the little girl who drew this made sure her daughter’s teacher was aware she is not a stripper.  Nope, she just made a lot of money selling shovels at Home Depot after a recent snowstorm.

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I’ve found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don’t have a sense of humor.  (Age 14)

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out.  (Age 6)

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.  (Age 15)