A Valentine’s Day for for almost everyone

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WARNING! The following video contain five times your daily recommended dose of Squee!

I apologize for not being around much. I’ve been sick, but I’m feeling much better now.

No one cares

The fairy tale romance of Brooke Hogan and Stack$, her rapper wannabe boyfriend has come to an end. Feel free to take a moment to recover for the shock. I don’t know about you guys but I thought these two had a shot at a long and happy relationship. I’m talking about the kind of epic love that just doesn’t come around too often. Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward, Kayne West and his CAP LOCK KEY, Ben and Jerry. EPIC love stories one in all.

“Brooke Hogan and Stack$ have split but remain friends. He was a big part of her life for a very long time, and she still cares about him and his family dearly. Brooke would like to thank her fans for their kind words and sensitivity during the break-up.”

Fear not Hulkamaniacs, with her loving fathers help, and his sweet nothing whispers of ‘just the tip’, Brooke will come through this just fine. As a matter of fact, I think given time she will turn her pain into songs and release another album that no one wants buys.

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Slightly NSFW due to brief animated horse peen

WARNING! Listening to this song more than once will lead to it getting stuck in your noggen.

If you decided not to watch it because of some cartoon horse dick,well then I better not show you where the lemonade is made. Sweet lemonade, Mmm sweet lemonade.

The award for the most suggestive movie poster about an underage female band goes to…

If you don’t know who The Runaways are, do yourself a favor and Google them.  If they were still around today they would skull fuck the Jonas Brothers and laugh at them as they ran home to their momma.

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Don’t let me die with a crappy song on the radio

The other night I was driving home from work when I hit a patch of ice on a bridge and started to lose control of my car. It had been snowing for a few hours that night and the roads were pretty crappy. I live in Michigan, a state so broke that they have decided to cut back on sending out the snowplows this winter because they don’t have enough money to buy diesel and salt.  Yes Michigan!

Anyhoo.

As the back end of my car started coming around and I found myself starting to slide sideways down a steep bridge the Bryan Adams song Everything I do I do it for You from the Kevin Costner Robin Hood movie was playing. I used to be a Bryan Adams fan. He had some good songs and it’s not that I even dislike that song but at that moment I had an odd thought.

If I were to die right now is that really the last song I want to hear as I shuffle off this mortal coil?

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T Minus 1 days till Christmas

I’ve saved two of my favorite songs to finish up my Holiday countdown.

Sheri Easter - What Child Is This

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Time to stick it to the boss

I’m just going to cut to the chase this week.  My 5 year-old niece who I love beyond words has gotten me sick again around Christmas for the second year in a row.  For the sake of this post we’ll call her Patient Zero. If she does it one more year, I think we are going to look into sealing her in a plastic bubble for the holidays.

She infected me with what I can only assume is the Elementary school version of Captain Trips. So before I slip back into a fever dream, here are your time wasters.

Game 1. Zombie Hooker Nightmare

Game 2: Santa’s Sleigh Bomber

Go play. Rinse, repeat.

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T Minus 2 days till Christmas

Songs for the naughty and the nice.

Twisted Sister - Oh Come All Ye Faithful

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Santa is a little different in the Netherlands

I became a fan of David Sedaris a few years ago. I’ve read most  of his books and have sought out his audio reading of his work. Six to Eight Black Men is one of my favorite pieces from him.

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T Minus 3 days till Christmas

The Corrs - Happy Christmas (War Is Over)

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Santa is fed up with all the people on the naughty list this year so he has outsourced the coal delivery to Latoya the Christmas Goblin.

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T Minus 4 days till Christmas

Time to make the Yuletide Gay with the London Gay Men’s Chorus:

Coming Out at Christmas

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T Minus 8 days till Christmas

Don’t worry I haven’t forgotten our Jewish friends.

Adam Sandler - Hanukkah Song

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T Minus 9 days till Christmas

Carrie Underwood - Oh Holy Night

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T Minus 10 days till Christmas

Kylie Minogue - Santa Baby. Hands down one of the sexist performances there is of this song. I love the way she sings it.

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Time to stick it to the boss

Sorry Squeers, I’m slammed this week. Come back next week for your regularly scheduled Hump Day Post.

Until then, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty.

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T Minus 11 days till Christmas

First up is Dolores O’Riordan and Westlife with The Little Drummer Boy.

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Let’s start things out this week with some audience participation. Feel free to ask Nick Hogan a question. I’ll get us started.

Hey Nick, how many spoiled narcissistic douchebags are in this photo?

OK, now you try. Trust me, it’s fun. Ask him anything.

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T Minus 12 Days Til Christmas

I like Christmas music. With the exception of one Christmas song that I think should be purged from recorded history. The song is Christmas Shoes by a Christian group of fart-knocking douchebags called Newsong. Now I’m not going to post the video for it. I’m only bringing it up on the first day of the count down to get it out of the way.

I think Newsong should be dragged into the Applebee’s parking lot for a public bricking.  The song actually makes me angry when I hear it. It has to be the most emotionally manipulative piece of crap to ever be put to music. Well it turns out Patton Oswalt and I feel the same way about the song.

You might want to be careful watching this at work. Patton uses some naughty words.

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