Eddie Ca-bale

Why do these people get to keep sucking our air?

Douche and Doucher

Why would either of these fools think any collaboration between them would lead to anything but regret?

“In a new interview with Access Hollywood, Michael spoke about his friend-turned-foe after he was subpoenaed by TLC to testify in the network’s breach of contract suit against Jon.

According to Michael, he had reached a business agreement with Jon, which TLC claims may have violated their exclusivity pact with the “Plus 8” dad.

“I kept him out of harm’s way when there were paparazzi around … and he stabbed me in the back,” Michael told Access. “When you open your door to somebody and you give them a safe haven and a place to go and then they turn around and bite the hand that feeds or stab you in the back, that doesn’t sit well with me.”

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Lisa Lisa and Cult Bale

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The Holiday Edition

Due to my funger (I have to wear a finger boot and I keep spelling finger like funger. It’s actually fun so try it.),  I’ve been subjected to a week of no driving.  But luckily the hydrocodone numbs the pain in my soul.  I’ve come across many products I think you all should avoid whatever you decide to celebrate and it is my duty as a hag to warn you so you may live to squee another day.

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It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday

OK, that was a lil dramatical but I must bid farewell for a teensy bit. Due to my lack of coolness and my tendency to injure myself, I am having surgery on Moonday. That’s a shout out to any Twi-heads even though I will not be watching it.

Let me do a recap of my injuries:

• 1981, concussion due to tripping over my own feet and falling down stairs
• 1983, painful no no area injury from walking into my cousins cleats during a big kick
• 1987, another concussion due to not landing jump off pyramid. Well, I landed but broke the fall with my head.
• Skipping a decade, 1993, hand surgery from a honey bear tragedy, it involved a knife.
• 1996, C-section because my baby got stuck
• 2001, C-section because my bebe was too big and again got stuck
• 2006, Removal of baby factory because my body got tired of having babies and shut that shit down
• 2008, Removal of gall bladder for some reason my body decided to shut that shit down too.
• 2009, 2nd degree arm burn involving hot ass soup and lack of coordination of yours truly
• 2009, June bug removal from ear
• 2009, Another accidental stabbing of self while trying to open something
• Two weeks ago, Cutting tendon of right middle finger. Undergoing surgery to reattach tendon, Monday

You get the point, I am a danger to myself and I’m amazed I’m still alive. I shall be recovering and unable to type after they put the pin in my finger. Well, I could type but it would just be one handed typing and I’m going to be on pain pills so I fear what the hell I may type.

I bid you farewell, for a week or so, Squeeple.  Think of me fondly.

May The Bale be with,

Juju(I will cut me)bees

The story that will never die

I know the magazines love a good love triangle and all that. But there comes a time to let it go, and I think the time was over 2 years ago. But the powers that be keep beating this poor dead horse. And despite some comments, I’m not calling Jen a horse.

I can’t stand waiting in line when all there is too look at is how Jen and Brad are secretly hooking up, Angelina’s playing mind games with Jen, Brad’s calling Jen, Jen has a Brad shrine, Jen will never love again. Ahhhhhhhhhhh, who cares and who are these sources? Paco down at 7-11? I doubt any of them are shopping there but I had a good burrito experience there in 1991 so I’m rolling with that.

Is anybody even buying this bullshit anymore? And why will they not just get over it? I just want a simple answer. It’s like that person who has some really good gossip and loves the attention and then they just wont shut uppa their face about it. Do people still care or are they just shoving this down our throats as some kind of punishment? Like when you mother wouldn’t let you have any pudding until you eat your meat? I want to beat someone with a wire hanger every time I see these three on a cover. ENOUGH!

Truly Awesome 80s Shows

Updated with more awesomness. Due to a happy hour and kick ass special on mango margaritas I’m a little late with my update.

It’s time to go back, waaaaaay back, waaaaay back to the 80s. Let’s remember those shows we loved and/or hated but think back and go, awwwwww. And if you don’t remember, then you can look at the shows we watched and laugh and point.

The Love Boat

Love, exciting and new, come on board, weeee’re expecting you…

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When I said you can eat me, there’s a minor caveat.

Are you brave enough taste the daily special?

I just feel the need to clarify one of my recent declarations. On a particular post, which one, I can’t remember, I declared that if we were all trapped on a mountain or island, you all could eat me. (Mostly because I have a kabob cooking in my Cafe World game; note the irony of this as you read.) After reading some disturbing news this morning, I feel the need to clarify: make sure I’m 100% dead first.

None of this “quick glance” nonsense. Really get in there and check. Feel free to poke me with a stick. Go ahead and stick a mirror under my nostrils. Just to be sure, give me a full day before you commence with the filleting. And finally, wave some chocolate about my facial area and tell me you have beer. If neither of those things work, then I am DEAD. I really want to make sure we are all on the same page here.

Why the worry?  Just this morning I read a very disturbing story about a Russian man who was not clear on his instructions - and got ate. Something is not kosher in the Russian Wodka. Or should I say Russian kabob?

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Michael C. Bale  (Dexter-Bale)

We here at Thundersquee! love our commenters. We love them so much that we’d sneak out to the parking lot behind the bleachers and make out with them in the back seat of their bitchin’ Camaro. But Thundersquee! is classy, so there will be no heavy petting. Instead, Thundersquee! will highlight the most squee!-worthy comments in a weekly column aptly titled Best in Squee!

And the award goes to…

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Bud-Bale. This Bud’s for us.

Some crap you may or may not know about this day

What, can't a guy just walk in the woods with a mask and axe?

Today is the day where everyone jokes about Camp Crystal Lake. Don’t even deny it; when you’re alone on this day you know you listen for “Kill, Kill, Kill, Now, Now, Now.” You know he’s not there… this time. Some people are so freaked out by this day they have their own phobia. So if you are afraid to even look out your door today then you may have paraskevidekatriaphobia. Say that shit 5 times fast.

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Where are they now?

What’s happened to those internet darlings since their 15 minutes went bye bye? Do you lay awake at night wondering what’s become of Chris “Leave Britney Alone” Crocker who seems to have evaporated into dust? Glittery dust at that, and we’d expect nothing less. Dry your tears because she’s still alive and making magic in the art form of  YouTube videos.  Enjoy as you hear Chris impart her words of wisdom and gives us a peek into her exciting life. You’re welcome.

To date Chris, has been downloaded over 4 times and if you want to wear a t-shirt proclaiming you like to eat your cornhole, then you need look no further. And remember giiiirl, it’s a hair flip.

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Probably

I was listening to a morning show this a.m., and there was a fun segment called “Does that make me crazy?”  The premise is that listeners call in with their quirks or OCDness and ask that famous question we all want the answer to.  ”Am I quirky or am I just crazy?”  I thought I’d pose the question here.

• I like to sleep on the side closest to the front door, so I can run if and when an axe murderer tries to attack me.  Does that make me crazy?
• I never put my face directly in the shower stream, because I think I may drown.  Does that make me crazy?
• I section my food in their own areas so my food never touches.  And if they touch, I refuse to eat cross-contaminated food.  Does that make me crazy?

Now it’s your turn to share.  What makes you a little on the crazy?

HAGS, get my running heels. YOU BETTER RUN, HOLLYWOOD!

Why is, Hollywood ruining my life. It’s not fair. Someone call 911 for me. If you happen to be new to the Thundersquee!, you should know I musically worship at the feet of Jeff Buckley. And if you have been here, I know you are like, “simma down naw.”

Oh, I see, you don’t know who he is? Allow me to introduce you:

Uno momento por favor. I always need a shot after that song. Anybody got a light?  Just asking.

Hollywood just can’t help it, so in yet another blatant attempt to send me into a bitch cutting frenzy, they’ve decided to make his life into a movie. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. It’s hard to whittle someones life down to 2 hours and make it good. You could probably get mine down to two hours with all the hangover sleep-ins of my teens-20s.

But what’s really totes getting my goats is the lead actor selections.

Which Dude Can Be Teh Jeff Buck-bale

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November 12 is fast approaching, and not a Miley tweet in site.

Save Fuzzy

November 16 is fast approaching and soon, Fuzzy, will most likely be dead cat meowing. And finally, Miley responds, and she’s not taking the bait.  Miley calls bullshit and apparently, Crazy McCrazyson has heard this news and may actually shorten the deadline.

Here is the latest on poor the poor kitty:

“Miley knows and doesn’t care about Fuzzy (http://bit.ly/EvqIu). Depressed. Maybe I should shorten the deadline instead of extending it :( “

From the cat killer’s site:

November 03, 2009

“A lot of you seem to be bombarding PETA and other Animal Rights organizations with spam about MileySaveFuzzy, but neglecting to actually read their feedback. I decided to help everyone out, so people can spare their valuable time and help conserve some network traffic on the way.

The main organizations you’ve all been whining complaining to are PETA and The Humane Society. They both responded. I took the liberty to bring you their official responses: “

[Miley's video after the jump.]

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We should all be ashamed of ourselves for judging.

Remember a couple of days ago when Michael Lohan released private convos between himself and Lindsay? We were all, “What a douchebag,” “What parent would tape private conversations with their child and hold on to them to use at a later date?”

Well, guess who just released another clip of a private conversation? If you guessed, Mi Han ( I just made that up, I’m working on it), then you win nothing but you are correct, Squeep. But don’t  you go spilling your beer; if you do, will judge you, so please don’t spill the nectar of heaven. Especially if it’s Bud Light Lime.)

Let me explain:  He’s only doing this to clear his besmirched name. You can hear Dina talking about getting a knuckle sandwich in the pie hole from Lindsay. They said Lindsay had to go to rehab and Lindsay knocked a mother trucker out. Let that be a lesson to you all if you ever run into her. Don’t mention the word that rhymes with, “mefab.”

Dina also claims she tried to get Lindsay not to move to Hollywood when she turned 18. Ummm, I find that hard to believe since she partied with her daughter and once said,  “Lindsay’s having to go to rehab was ‘ridiculous’.” Or maybe Dina just said that because she didn’t want to get punched again?

But now you can see why Mi Han had to do this, right? By releasing this tape his name will be cleared because……., oh yeah, “Lohan says he only released the personal audio tapes because he’s afraid for his daughter’s life, and he’s tired of being targeted as the bad guy.” And somehow his releasing all these tapes will make Lindsay more willing to enter rehab and also make him look less douchey.

Soooooo, releasing the tapes will make him look like less of a bad guy because……ummmm, I’m going to have to ponder this more as my brain was twisted right into a pretzel working this all out.

Now don’t you feel like a big jerk for thinking the worst of him?

It’s not his fault he’s broke.

Nick Cage is broke as a mofo. Sure, but it’s not his fault; don’t judge him. He’s having a really hard time right now. His business manager screwed him bad and his hair is a damn bird. Your arguments are all invalid, so suck it.

He really needed that used Lamborghini once owned by the Shah of Iran. And you always need two islands in case one is being renovated. They’re just small islands and nothing really that extravagant. And he really needed to outbid Leonardo DiCaprio in that auction for a dinosaur skull. You wouldn’t let that punk ass win– you know you wouldn’t. It’s a freaking dinosaur skull and that’s cool.

The million on he spent on those comic books were an investment. You really can’t hate on him for wanting to own two king cobras and an octopus. He can literally tie two king cobras on his feet and water ski while riding an octopus. Can any of you say that? I didn’t think so and now you just better step off.

There is only one person who deserves a beat down. It’s his damn business manager. Nick is going to get 20 million back. If not, then you can believe he’ll have no problem spending $20 million or so to shrink his damn head and put it on his shelf next to his new dinosaur skull.

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Matt Bom-bale

TV: Oooops, you did it again

V - you remember it, TV watchers from the 80s?

I was ready to hate it, but then I saw Scott Wolf’s cute face. Awww, he’s a big boy now and I don’t think they even have to give Scooter any booster seats. I used to watch that show religiously and for back then it was a pretty heady show to pull off. And I loved  me some Beastmaster. If you don’t know who Mark Singer or Beastmaster are, go brick yourself in the face. I’m not asking you twice; all you need to know is he had a golden mullet bestowed upon him by the Greek Gods.

Normally I hate remakes but I truly don’t mind them if they are done well. And this is a show that screams for updating. If you don’t know the premise, first, go brick yourself again. Aliens show up on our planet wanting some snacks and in return they will provide us with amazing new technology. Whatevs aliens, I already have an iPhone, and unless you come with flying cars and jet packs, go home. I need to mention that for these aliens snacks = us. Snacks are made from people - made from peeeeee- puuuullllll.

The special effects are movie quality and pretty fricking good. And unlike Flashpoint, anysqueeple can figure this out. I know it’s fun to be clever and edgy. But why do TV people think that means you need a degree in quantum leap physics to figure your damn show out. Although, Quantum Leap was great and not too complicated. Stop taking me back in time, then the future, then in the far future and ahhhhh!

We’re just beginning to meet the characters and get some back story. Anna, the leader alien is strangely beautiful but suuuuuper creeeepy. All the Vs are quite attractive and Anna is all kinds of attracted to Scooter, sorry, Chad (played by Scott Wolf).  She claims him for herself. Hmmm, things are not kosher already.  Are they claiming breeding mates? Soon after arriving they start curing peeps of ailments and wanting to set up embassies. Humans do not take well to this and there are riots. Sorry aliens, that’s how we roll on earth. Also, some terrorist types think this is a perfect time to attack our capitalist pig asses. Luckily there is one single cop and her partner to protect us. Good thing this is just TV or we would be screwed since they found a ton of C4. (more…)