Linky-loos you can use.

Rachel Maddow pwns Richard Cohen, whose book, Coming Out Straight, was cited in talks leading up to the Ugandan anti-gay/kill-the-homos legislation.  She is so full of win.  Shock and awe, Rachel, shake and bake.  Jezebel.

Gretchen Carlson: putting the Fauz in Faux News.  I mean you went to Stanford and didn’t know what “czar” meant?  LIAR! Humperdink, humperdink, humperdink!  Jezebel.

What do you get when Awesome and Win breed?  Jack Robbins.  (Sidenote: Susan Sarandon should teach classes on how to age gracefully.  Nic Kidman?  ur doin it rong.)  Celebitchy.

In spite of my rage I am still just… dating the dumbest person on the planet.  Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan?!  Talk about melancholy and the infinite sadness.  Litely Salted.

Hamlet in Klingon.  Fierce and Nerdy.

Facebook is giving us more control over the shit we share on Facebook.  Seems like more false sense of security measures to me.   I saw Hackers.  Computers and computer nerds shall rule us all.  Just give me my brain chip so I can upload my thoughts directly to Facebook without all the pesky typing.  Gawker.

“You” are the “huge” tool.  Unnecessary Quotes.

5 things that gross women out.  Number one?  Moobs.  Tremendous News.

You know the phrase “it ain’t over ’til the fat lady sings?”  According to Miuccia Prada, the ladies slated to appear in the Met’s production of Verdi’s Attila were too fat to be singing, so they are being replaced with skinny ass models.  Prada is handling the costumes for the opera and none of the fatties could fit in her tiny sample sizes.  Couldn’t she just photoshop them?  Jezebel.

Whisper words of wisdom, let it squee!!

I’m sorry but if I saw this coming at me on a dark night in an Applebee’s parking lot, I’d brick it in the face and ask questions later. I guess Leighton Meester learned to put makeup on at clown college.

(more…)

Not even your attempts at insults are taken seriously

Those of you that have bothered to watch the new Melrose Place know that Ashlee Simpson-Wentz was shown the door recently. Wait, before I go on with the story I need to express my annoyance with hyphenated last names. I understand the reasoning behind it but it still bothers me. Why would anyone want to have to spell out two last names all the time? Not only that, hyphenated last names are a mouth full to say/type. Anyways, Jessica Simpson wants you all to know that she’s mad that the CW told Ashlee to take her toys and go home. She put on her daisy dukes, put her hair up in a messy bun and took to the streets (twitter) where she said: “Who writes this crap? i have had bad scripts to work with, but this? thank God my sister is amazing and got you some press.” It’s nice that she’s sticking up for her sister but let’s be serious here. Your movies weren’t bad because of the scripts Jessica. Your movies were bad because you were in them. Sorry, I’m sure you’re a nice girl but your acting makes me want to punch kittens. I love kittens and you make me want to punch them. Shame on you.

The Most Important Information Available To You

Skimming Rainbow Presents: Sleep Deprivation

Insomnia. I has it. There’s no theme this time. I’m just lucky to be writing coherent English words and phrases.

Also, I can tell I’m sleep deprived because I’m hallucinating. Unless you mean to tell me that Jeff Dunham actually did add a black puppet to his unfunny and racist act, a sweet little hag-in-training/squeer-to-be actually fell for her gay prom date on Dallas Divas and Daughters (happens to the best of us), they really did start airing DJ AM’s drug intervention show (it’s very good, I just didn’t think it would be aired this soon), the Bible actually learned how to smize, and I really did publish an epic run-on sentence full of links (self-referential jokes are so hot right now).

According to the internet over the weekend…

• Seriously Ralph Lauren. Phoning it in is a LOT easier than you’re making it.
• Stephanie Pratt got a DUI. Oh and she looks exactly like Miss Piggy in this picture. Who could be sneaking her that muppet eyeshadow? Okay?
• Do you ever wish your facebook friends could get their shit together already and write a collaborative rap about Balloon Boy on your status message?
• How one would find the time to make this costume for a baby, and be keeping an actual baby alive in the meantime, is beyond my grasp.
• I downloaded some BSB over the weekend thanks to Thundersquee!’s Infinite Playlist. I’m guessing these people did too. That or they, too, are sleep deprived. Nobody listens to this song anymore anyway, because it makes everyone think of Burger King.
• List of 11 eco-friendly wob wob wob, wob wob cool looking fire pictures!
• Aw. Jessica Simpson is thrashing about in my heart-places. “I will never understand why people attack for a laugh. Own your beauty and don’t listen to the judgement.”
• I ran across a slideshow of Geogia O’Keeffe’s “other work” this weekend. It is breathtaking. And I see penises. What! I do! I think there are penises in these pictures.

…And what were your nights like over the weekend, Squeeple?

Translation: “In His House at R’lyeh, Dead Cthulhu Waits Dreaming… of Making You Smell Pretty!”

Lately, celebrities aren’t allowed to be celebrities anymore unless they have a line of perfumes, right? And some of them even smell good, but COME ON. You know you won’t wear them, because you’re terrified someone might ask you what have on, and then you’ll have to say “Celine Dion,” risking the permanent loss of your reputation as a person who isn’t a big stupid.

Well, Squeeples, I’ve found the solution: “The Lovecraft Collection.”

(more…)

Time for step two of the process

As I’m sure you all know Jessica Simpson’s dog was taken by a coyote a few days ago. Immediately after the incident Jessica frantically started looking for ways to get her dog back. She posted tweets, put up flyers and even called FindToto.com in an effort to save Daisy. It seems FindToto.com is calling off their search for the little doggy.

It’s always sad when a pet is lost but if your dog was last seen in the mouth of a carnivore then there’s very little chance that the animal is going to survive. Coyotes usually try to stay far away from humans but if they are hungry enough they will come after your cats or little dog. It sucks but it’s just a fact of life. Jessica needs to step out of the denial phase now, Daisy is gone. She needs to take comfort in the fact that she gave that dog an awesome life of being pampered and move on.

Baby's inner monologue: WHAT THE FUCK!!! When they said there was a rich white woman here to see me, I thought they meant Angelina. Hell, even Madonna would be all right, but Paris friggin' Hilton, are you kidding me? I just dropped a load in my diaper and I still smell better than her. She smells like syphilis and spray tanner. I'm probably going to end up like that rat Tinkerbell. She'll carry me around in her purse and then forget me in Fred Segal.

(more…)

Five sport-type things you may want to know

Well, I’m back. And so is Michael Vick.

Weep for the future.

I mentioned Michael Vick Watch ^TM several weeks back, and true to form, it is happening as predicted. The goon (and I don’t use that term lightly) gets out of prison and it’s a story. The goon doesn’t go to a strip club and it’s a story. The goon takes a leak and it’s a story. I think it bears repeating: Every member of the sports media will make so big a deal out of this goon/story/pain in the eye that you’ll be begging for a “Tim Tebow is Jesus” story before you know it.

Thank you, ESPN, for destroying my sporting soul. P.S. I hate you, ESPN (except for Corso and Herbstreit - you guys rock).

Anyway, since I’m all about being hypocritical, we lead with Vick this week - yep, I’m awesome like that.

Here are the five sport-type things you may want to know this week.

(more…)

What do you do when you have the acting range of a banana slug and have a new movie to promote? Wear something that shows a lot of skin and hope no one realizes that the only reason you are famous is because of a really good catch phrase from your TV show.

(more…)

John of Patmos heard to utter, “Shit, I didn’t see that one coming.”

Starting next month, VH1 will be airing a new reality, documentary type show that’s produced and hosted by Jessica Simpson.  The show is called The Price of Beauty and features Simpson traveling around the world talking to women “about the things they do to make themselves beautiful.” It’s alleged that she will even try  out some of the crazier things she encounters.  Regarding the show, Simpson released the following statement:

I have always believed that beauty comes from within and confidence will always make a woman beautiful, but I know how much pressure some women put on themselves to look perfect. I am really looking forward to discovering how beauty is perceived in different cultures and participating in some of the crazy things people do to feel beautiful. I know we will all learn a lot on this journey.

Someone get that bolt gun, will you?  No, I’m not considering having my nipples enhanced, but I just thought Jessica Simpson said something intelligent and that this show sounds interesting, and for that, I should be put down.

Arrow points to “Not Fat”

Jessica Simpson took time away from being inappropriately fondled by her father to perform at the Florida Strawberry Festival last week in a pair of booty shorts aka Daisy Dukes aka short ass shorts.

A couple months ago, Jessica Simpson’s fat ass sent shockwaves through the media prompting every woman to exclaim “Well, if she’s fat, we’re all fucked!”

But never fear, ladies!  As evidenced by the photos snapped of Simpson at the fruit festival, Jessica Simpson is like, totally, not fat.  And Thundersquee!’s own Angry Black Lady done told you so– it  was the jeans.

Mom jeans don’t look good on anyone.  Remember when Kate Moss was rocking the Mom jeans? Well, they made her look dumpy too– and Kate Moss is pure unadulterated cocaine skinny.

Yep, Jessica Simpson is definitely not fat.

Unfortunately, you probably still are.

Now what did I do with my cupcakes…

[Image Source.]

What the HELL Snoop?!?

That is just a sad sad photo. I can only hope that Snoop was so high he didn’t realize who they were.

Hanging with Willie Nelson is one thing  - but these two idiots?  Come on, Snoop.

Jessica Simpson Ain’t Fat—She Just Gets Dressed in the Dark

E! Television is criticizing Jessica Simpson for her new “beefed up bod.”  First, awesome alliteration aside, this phrase “beefed up”— I do not think it means what you think it means.

Second? Jessica Simpson is a lot of things–vacuous, a painfully bad actress, tragic in a spectacularly Shakespearean manner–but fat is not one of them.  I mean, damn, yo!  E! Television can’t be running out of fodder for its criticisms, so what happened?   Has the mind-numbing stupidity of Debbie Matenopoulos gone viral, barreling unchecked through the E! Television newsroom like Rosie O’Donnell through a cupcake store? (more…)

Life is Hard, Honey.  We Know.

Look, if you were at the helm of a failing fake relationship, had a publicly failed marriage, singing career, acting career, bath and body product career, have an incestuous father who refers to your breasts as “our breasts,” and your nephew was named Bronx Mowgli you too would drown your sorrows in ice-cream sundaes.  Let’s be honest.