Kanye?  Shut Your Cakehole.  Lady Gaga?  WTF!?!  Taylor?  Yawn.  Beyonce?  FTW.

Listen here, squeeple.  I watched the VMAs.  I’m still trying to figure out how to replenish the brain points I lost during those few hours last night.  As soon as I saw Taylor Swift arrrive in a fucking horse and carriage, I knew that I should expect repeated brain explosions over the course of the night.

Here are my quick thoughts on the shenanigans:

1. Russell Brand acted like a twat.  We get it.  You like to get laid.  One reference to your twig and two berries is one too many.

2. Kanye West is a doosh. He jumped on stage and acted the fool during the FIRST AWARD.   Jebus.  At least wait until the last half of the show when liquor and the extreme fuckery surrounding the whole affair might give you an excuse to act like such a jackhole.  Not a good weekend for black people with respect to fool actin’.

3. If Taylor Swift had actually sung that dumb ass song in a subway, she likely would have had various rotten fruits lobbed at her head.  Nonetheless, I felt badly for Taylor after Kanye burst on stage.  She looked like someone pulled the plug on her grandma.  (I’m looking at you, Obama!)

4. I was unaware that Eminem is still relevant.  Will the real Slim Shady please go away?

5. Cyndi Lauper still kicks ass.  As does Janet Jackson.

6. Lady Gaga showed up with Kermit the Frog, and looked like a moron.  And her performance was–how do you say?–fucking weird.  I get it.  You were making a statement about the paparazzi.  But, to their credit, when you walk around dressed like 120 pounds of hot crazy, you can’t expect the paps to leave you alone.  She had 5 different costume changes, each crazier than the last.  Also, hanging from the ceiling drenched in blood?  This ain’t Carrie, sweetie.  I get your message loud and clear: “I’m deranged.”  Yes, yes we know.  Now quit violating Kermit the Frog.

[Pictures, videos shot by YouTubers of their televisions, and fail after the jump.]

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Oh Just Take My Word For It Already, You Were Going To Anyway.

No, Skimming Rainbow is not the latest thrill available on the Craigslist casual encounters board. (Except if you like doing it in the bookstore.)  It’s just what I’m calling this roundup of links from the week. Now that Reading Rainbow is off the air, this is the most important literature available to you.

Making it work, Weekend-At-Bernie's style.

According to the rest of the internet this week:

• Project Runway sucked this week.
• Woody Harrelson (stop yawning and read) smokes pot and justifies his drug use with our drug use. JNLYBJJ. (Judge not lest ye be Judge Judy, © stopthemadness)
• Spencer Pratt committed the unpardonable doosh. So doom! (Just in case he wasn’t already going to hell for this comment.)
• Gerard Butler refuses to make any films he’ll be remembered for.
• The Real Housewives of New Jersey’s Danielle Staub is selling her house in glamorous Wayne, NJ: Home of the Chinese restaurant where I used to get drunk.
• Am I the only one who didn’t realize Janet and Jermaine had broken up?
• An X-Factor reject got plastic surgery after being criticized once by Simon Cowell, which begs the question, why exactly did she think she was ready to be famous?

P.S. Happy Labor Day!