Toyota Prius edition

Guess what, squeeples?  I’m back to hating things. And I found something I hate more than cupcakes: the Toyota Prius.  Every time I see a Prius on the road I immediately become agitated and want to speed up next to them and honk erratically until the unsuspecting driver of said Prius looks over at me, so I can flip them off.  That- or swerve into them with my tough-as-nails American made piece of moving machinery.  I’ve wondered on several occasions why I don’t carry a sign that says “Fuck you and your Prius” to hold up when I’m next to them.  I’ll tell you why I hate the Prius:

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I blame reality t.v.

I hope she's getting ready to punch IAAF in the face!

I am sure that most of you have read about the trials and tribulations of Caster Semenya, a South African runner who is getting treated like shit by THE ENTIRE WORLD.  For those of you who haven’t, here is the short version: Caster is a middle distance runner who, earlier this year, shaved LOTS of time off her 800 and 1500 m races.  After that, the IAAF was all “dude looks like a lady,” and started gender testing her.  There were two problems, however.  One, the IAAF initially told her they were drug testing her - so she didn’t even know they were looking into her lady business until, two, some IAAF assholes leaked that Caster was being gender tested.  The media has since seemed to take particularly delicious pleasure in embarrassing the hell out of this 18-year-old.

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Truly, Madly, Deeply

Cupcakes. I hate them more than anything ever created. I hate them more than pollution, traffic jams, Rosie O’ Donnell, even more than the New York Yankees. They are my arch nemeses. Now you may be wondering, “Why Mae? How can you not love cupcakes? They’re gooey, cute and sweet confectionary goodness.” Well, that’s why I hate them.

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10 More Things I Hate and You Should Too!

1.  Women who slouch their coats at their elbows: Is it on? Is it off? Make a choice!

2.  Scrubbing the baseboards, especially in the kitchen: Ew. Ew. Ew. Especially when you have two rather large, rather furry dogs.

3.  People who turn their turn signals on too soon and/or forget to shut them off: We get it; you’re turning. SHUT IT OFF ALREADY!

4.  The government: Enough said.

5.  People who leave the bottle caps sitting on the counter rather than throwing them away: Seriously, you have to walk past the trash. Throw ‘em away!

6.  People who save cups from fast food restaurants: I’m looking at you, brother! There’s no need to save 5 different large cups from Wendy’s, Arby’s, Taco Bell, etc.

7.  People who do not rinse left on food and sauce on their plate and leave it sitting in the sink: Seriously, the dishwasher is empty, next to the sink and doesn’t work miracles. That’s what garbage disposals were invented for! Rinse it off!

8.  Women over 40 who dress like 20 year old street walkers/strippers: Honey, that white spandex, barely below your butt cheeks dress and white pumps isn’t working for you. You look like a 1980s porn star. Especially with frosted, feathered hair.

9.  Men who tuck in T-shirts: No, just no.

10.  Men (or women) who have their cell phones clipped to their belt: You don’t look important. You look like a doosh.

Image Source.

Children Edition

Children. I really fucking hate children. I like my niece, she’s 12. And I’ve always liked her because she has always been (albeit shockingly) well mannered and courteous growing up, considering her mom and dad (my brother) are a bunch of divorced fucking idiots. I like my kid, but then again that could be because I gave her up for (open) adoption at birth. She may very well be an asshole. She is my kid after all, but I digress.

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Cupcakes Edition

Cupcakes. I hate them more than anything ever created. I hate them more than pollution, traffic jams, Rosie O’ Donnell, even more than the New York Yankees.  They are my arch nemeses. Now you may be wondering, “Why Mae? How can you not love cupcakes? They’re gooey, cute and sweet confectionary goodness.” Well, that’s why I hate them.

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May you down in flames sickness!!!

I have a cold. I live in the desert, it’s 70 degrees outside and I have a cold. Whoever thought it would be funny to make people cough and drip fluid from their nose for days should be kicked somewhere. I don’t care where: head, balls, kidney…wherever. Also, kick the genius that invented sinus infections. Why is it we can figure out how to remove a gallbladder via the vagina but we can’t cure a common cold? I call bullshit.

Jessica Simpson Ain’t Fat—She Just Gets Dressed in the Dark

E! Television is criticizing Jessica Simpson for her new “beefed up bod.”  First, awesome alliteration aside, this phrase “beefed up”— I do not think it means what you think it means.

Second? Jessica Simpson is a lot of things–vacuous, a painfully bad actress, tragic in a spectacularly Shakespearean manner–but fat is not one of them.  I mean, damn, yo!  E! Television can’t be running out of fodder for its criticisms, so what happened?   Has the mind-numbing stupidity of Debbie Matenopoulos gone viral, barreling unchecked through the E! Television newsroom like Rosie O’Donnell through a cupcake store? (more…)

A peek at Kanye’s diary

Let us take a small break from reality and peer into the mind of a master.

I am of course referring to Mr. Kanye “I’M NOT NO BISEXUAL” West. (more…)

Take Back the Hate Edition

I know that language is a living organism that grows and changes in new and surprising ways – but can we put a moratorium on fucking with my hate? Hate and I have a long and storied history together, but lately I have been feeling like we are drifting apart. Our distance is borne of the fact that hate has been stepping out on me. Making an appearance in Haterade, stopping over at On’s house. I mean, how does one hate on something? I imagine it is like grinding on someone, but with more blood. Heck, even showing new found independence as an entity – a “hater.”

And no, all its offspring, hate dippin, hategasm, hater tots aren’t nearly as precious one might think. So what I am saying is: hate isn’t cute – don’t make it so.