Suck it, backwater NY hicks

Linky-loos you can use.

James Lipton is awesome as are his beard-sharing PSAs.  Jezebel.

Just watch this.  WATCH IT!!!! I like Fred.  Watch it through to the end for some great editing.  List of the Day via MJMcKean Twitter.

Craigslist prostitution scheme.  Best part of the story?  The defense:  I am a ”skank agent,” not a pimp.  The Smoking Gun.

Hey Rick Warren, sometimes “no comment” isn’t enough?  How hard is it to stand against Ugandan legislation pushing for the death penalty for homosexual sex?  Boing Boing.

You know what?  Twittering your marriage isn’t cute, it is embarassing.  Gizmodo.

Who knew that a panda’s sexy voice was a chirp?  BBC News.

That’s what’s up, squeeps.

Ding dang, y’all!

The New York senate did not pass it’s gay marriage bill.  The measure failed 24-38 and I, for one, am PISSED.  How in hell?!  I may have to run for office.  Listening to the debate, what is amazing is that the rhetoric against equal rights was steeped in religion.  How these senators’ heads don’t explode from cognitive dissonance, I will never know.  There are no words for my anger, so I will just say >:(

Gay Marriage

Look, I know that gay is the new black, but maybe we can avoid a bloody battle and come to a solution on this issue. I see no argument for denying gay marriage. I have two points:

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And Here’s How I’m Interpreting Them. Like It Or Not.

According to the Pew Research Center:

Statistic Uno) 57% of the country thinks gay couples should be allowed civil unions. FIFTY. SEVEN. PERCENT. OF THE COUNTRY! Sounds awesome, right? Sadly, the country won’t be put to a vote on this. For, like, eleventy million years or so. It’s a rough guess, but I think it’s close.

Statistic Dos)  49% of the country thinks hommaseckshuls are planning to turn our chirrun queer as a bunch of 3-dollar bills.

Statistic Tres) 52% of the country thinks abortion is morally wrong. I understand that. Seriously. Abortion is disturbing to me, too. But if Congress gets all up in my uterus, or anyone else’s? MY VAGINA WILL THROW THINGS. With prejudice (which means “In the face.” While screaming and throwing other things with my hands. Bricks and sharp pointy things, most likely. Don’t fuck with a woman’s right to choose what’s right for her own body, Congress. Not kidding. SHARP, POINTY THINGS. AIMED AT YOUR HEAD. Don’t forget, now!)

Statistic Cuatro) why did I choose Spanish for this? I BARELY SPEAK SPANISH! I speak Broken-Half-English-Nonsense! Anyways. Of those 52%, more than a third (35%) do NOT think homosexuality is a moral issue. DID ANYONE ELSE HEAR THAT? Of the 52% of people who think abortion is wrong, over half  do NOT think homosexuality is a moral issue. 9% of those think it’s morally acceptable. Why? Because they’re not A) morons (i.e., Sarah Palin ) or B) hateful (i.e., Rush Limbaugh.)

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And Yes, My Vagina Is Predictably Angry.

This is going to be a short one. I will spare you the rageful rant that you may have been expecting - not because I’m not angry, and lawd knows not because I don’t love to rant - but because I’m so bitterly disappointed in my beloved home state that I can barely stand to talk about it anymore. I started ranting last night, continued ranting until the wee hours of this morn, had ranty dreams while I slept, and woke up feeling exhausted and heartbroken. I have a huge amount of respect for the people who are trying to see the “bright side” in all this by pointing out that while the vote was defeated, it was a close one at 53% to 47%. I admire optimism, despite my penchant for rage. But the bottom line is that 47% wasn’t good enough, and that makes me so sad. In my heart AND in my pants.

In case you missed the link in stm’s last post, here’s Pajiba’s brilliant take.

Linky-loos you can use.

Maine repealed its same sex marriage law by a narrow margin yesterday.  And let me tell you; Sarah’s vagina is angry about it. If you want to avoid her labial wrath, here’s a guide to what’s good for you: Five Movies That Might Encourage Narrow-Minded Assholes to Vote for Same Sex Marriage. Pajiba.

Hey, Dallas cheerleader-lady?  It’s never a good idea to dress up in blackface for Halloween.  Unless you’re a dude dressing up like a dude playing the dude disguised as another dude.  Now that would be meta.  But you probably don’t know what meta means.  Deadspin.

The world according to Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-NC): The only thing we have to fear is… the health care reform bill.  That shit is scarier than terrorism.  (Her words, not mine.)  America Blog.

Nicole Kidman claims to be in to kinky sex.  Since she was married to Tom Cruise for ten years, and Keith Urban for the past three, I’d say she’s a gottdamn liar.  Unless by “kinky sex” means “heavy botox.”  Lainey Gossip.

Dooshtastic Father of the Year, Michael Lohan released taped phone conversations with his daughter, Lindsay during which she sobs: “No one cares about me. They don’t, by the way. It’s about how they feel, not how I feel. It’s not about me. It’s never been about me, unless I fight for it.” Oh Linds.  I’m still pulling for you. But your knee pad leggings aren’t helping.  I’m jus’ sayin’.  D Listed.

Miss Thang, Carrie Prejean settled her lawsuit with the pageantry peeps because she was afeared that her  sex tape would be released.  TMZ has thus far refused, claiming the shit is naaaaaaaaasty.  Oh, TMZ!  You’re so virtuous.  You are the standard by which all other celebrity gossip rags should be measured.  Now give me the damn Carrie Prejean sex tape, or the bunny gets it.  And please oh please let there be some hypocritical sapphic action all up in there.  Remember when she said this: “I am a Christian, and I am a model. Models pose for pictures, including lingerie and swimwear photos.” My how the pious whore has fallen.  I mean, who doesn’t want to watch a perfect Christian with fake hooters get cornholed by a girl with a strap-on?   I know I do.  Gawker.

Facebook, you’re pissing me off.  Quit suggesting friends to me!  Quit suggesting that I suggest friends to other people!  Quit suggesting I “catch up” with some motherfucker who I’m probably ignoring on purpose!  YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD, FACEBOOK!  Tremendous News.

And that, squeeps, is how it is.

I want to give this man a hug, and say “Thank you.”

“The woman at my polling place asked me do I believe in equality for gay and lesbian people. I was pretty surprised to be asked a question like that. It made no sense to me. Finally I asked her: what do you think I fought for in Omaha Beach?”

Thank you for all that you’ve done, all that you’ve fought for, and all that you believe in.  Thank you for being a beautiful human being.

(Thanks to Natasha for the tip!)

When gay marriage is legalized, I will marry this gottdamn turtle.  Mark my words.

It is a fact that when this country legalizes gay marriage, people are going to start marrying turtles.  Bill O’Reilly said so.  So let it be known, squeeple, that I have dibs on this little fucker.

[Editor's Note: Because I drink a lot, I did not notice that our lovely Lisa(#1) had posted an Afternoon Squee! for this afternoon.  Accordingly, today you get two Squees for the price of one.  You're welcome.]

Head Explosion Countdown: 3…2…1…

I can’t even begin to grasp the fuckery that abounds in Sam Shulman’s latest article in The Weekly Standard,  “The Worst Thing About Gay Marriage.” Read it.  And be prepared to weep.  Or if your brain can’t handle that much pressure, I’ll sum up his points:

• Women are all sluts whose sexuality must be controlled by men.
• Men must protect women’s vaginas from intruders, because we womyns are just too damn precious and slutty to be able to fend for ourselves.
• The only way to protect women from descending into sluttitude is to marry us.
• Men “resignedly” and “heroically” marry us so we won’t have sex with our fathers and sons and so they, the horny bastards they are, won’t give in to the temptation to fuck their moms.
• Gay folks don’t suffer the “onerous obligations” that come with marriage the way straight folks do: Monogamy.  Suffering the presence of your partner’s in-laws.  Turkey on Thanksgiving.  Not fucking one’s mom.
• Gay marriage will become irrelevant the way black folks wearing daishikis with Fight the Power fist hairpicks shoved in their afros are irrelevant.

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Those Are Pigs… and They’re Flying!

Well, I’ll be the daughter of a hamster.  The Dark Lord himself, Dick Cheney, has once and for all broken with party lines and has come out in support of gay marriage.  Of course one assumes that he never has really been against gay marriage (his daughter Mary has the gay), but was simply feigning bigotry (or at least letting bigotry slide) so as not to piss off the base:

“I think that freedom means freedom for everyone.  As many of you know, one of my daughters is gay and it is something we have lived with for a long time in our family. I think people ought to be free to enter into any kind of union they wish. Any kind of arrangement they wish. The question of whether or not there ought to be a federal statute to protect this, I don’t support. I do believe that the historically the way marriage has been regulated is at the state level. It has always been a state issue and I think that is the way it ought to be handled, on a state-by-state basis. … But I don’t have any problem with that. People ought to get a shot at that.”

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The world rejoices

San Diego Vista Unified School District considered making June 1st Carrie Prejean Day. Thankfully, the school board decided against it. School Board Vice President, Steve Lily had this to say:

“The district had never honored a former student and didn’t want to start with someone who had breast implants, posed semi-nude and whose goal was to be a Victoria’s Secret model.”

I could sum up my feeling on this in two simple words:

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This Just In: People Are Idiots

You know what? I’ve had it up to HERE (::lifts arm as high as she can which, sadly, is not very high as Angry Black Lady is practically a midget–sorry–little person::) with morons, idiots, and douchebags.

Idiocy is running rampant among the American population. Forget about swine flu. The worst that swine flu can do is kill you. Idiocy, on the other hand, is a seemingly airborne virus that is spreading from person to person, turning each of those persons into a moron, each more moronic than the last. Idiocy isn’t a disease that kills. Sadly, no. It is a disease that turns a nation of formerly intelligent individuals into a multiplying mass of moronic mouth-breathers.

Now what form of idiocy is most distressing to Angry Black Lady right now?

The idiots who throw around the term “freedom of speech” and “First Amendment” without having a clue what the fuck it is they are talking about.

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Carrie Prejean keeps her crown

Last week, Donald Trump decided to let Miss California Carrie Prejean keep her crown, despite the new topless photos which were recently released.  The Donald had the following to say on the matter:

“Carrie will remain Miss California. We reviewed the pictures very carefully. We are in the 21st century. … Carrie’s a model, she’s very successful. We have determined that the pictures taken are fine. So we’ve made a determination that everything we’ve seen to this date that she’s done. Some were beautiful, some were risqué. We’re in the 21-century. We’ve determined the pictures taken were acceptable, fine, and in many cases they were very lovely pictures.”

Photographer Dominic Petruzzi took the newly-released photos. Prejean claims that the photos which exposed her breasts were taken between the real shot she was posing for, and that it was the wind’s fault that her lady humps were exposed. She claims to be appalled that the photographer violated her trust and released the images.

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Far out, man!

So duuuuuudes!  This is wild, man.  So Iowa, man.  Fuckin’ Iowa, dude.  They were all like “We’re not square!  We’re gonna legalize gay marriage! Take that California!”  Now Iowa is all “We’re gonna legalize…”

What?

Oh yeah.  Sorry, man–I was just thinking about how weird it is that bees have sex with flowers, man.  People always talk about gay marriage being totally unnatural, and I’m like, “Whatever, man!  Bees fuck flowers, man!  Think about that.”

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It’s not easy work oppressing people

This is furthering my career, but you're not a person to me.

Carrie Prejean has got herself in a bit of a situation. Half a dozen racy photos of her are up for grabs to the highest bidder. The web site thedirty.com have leaked the first of the six photos (Click here to see photo). Prejean claims that the photos are part of a gay conspiracy to smear her good name. She also claims that the photos were taken when she was seventeen. What is the difference between child pornography and modeling? Anyone…anyone? Bueller…Bueller?  More on that later.

Prejean released a statement about the photos.

“I am a Christian, and I am a model. Models pose for pictures, including lingerie and swimwear photos. Recently, photos taken of me as a teenager have been released surreptitiously to a tabloid Web site that openly mocks me for my Christian faith. I am not perfect, and I will never claim to be.”

“We live in a great country; a nation that was built on freedom of speech and freedom of religion,” she said in the statement. “Yet my comments defending traditional marriage have led to intimidation tactics that seek to undermine my reputation and somehow silence me and my beliefs, as if opinion is only a one-way street.”

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A rainbow banner day

The Maine State House of Representatives voted in favor of legislation allowing for same-sex marriages today, while DC’s city council voted to recognize same sex marriages that have taken place in other jurisdictions. This is a huge day for civil rights, but these battles aren’t completely won.

The legislation passed by Maine’s House still needs a final vote in the House and Senate before the legislation can be sent to their Governor for signing. This seems like a formality, however, as Maine’s Senate initially sent the legislation to the House with a 21-14 vote, and Maine’s State House voted 89-58.

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Carrie Prejean joins the fight against gay marriage

Miss California, Carrie Prejean, stopped by The Today Show to talk to Matt Lauer and announce she’ll be joining the National Organization for Marriage and their “Gathering Storm” in Washington to campaign against gay marriage.

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Shocking, right?

For some unknown reason Perez Hilton was asked to be a judge at the Miss USA Pageant. I guess he has a lot of time on his hands since he has a team of ghostwriters that write his blog these days.

The self-proclaimed “Queen of all media” got to ask a question of Miss California, Carrie Prejean. The question he asked was:

“Vermont recently became the fourth state to legalize same-sex marriage. Do you think every state should follow suit? Why or why not?”

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The New York Post–a conservative paper– has an excellent article discussing why it is that conservatives who are against gay marriage should just get over it.

Uh-oh. Now gays really, legitimately, democratically and completely non-sneakily have won the right to marry, in Vermont. Next thing you know gays preparing to wed will be everywhere, threatening our way of life by picking out china patterns in Bloomingdale’s and bickering about where to seat Uncle Floyd at the reception.

…

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