Continues to Be Adequite!

Jesus H. Biscuits and gravy with a side of shrimp grits, y’all.  Lindsay Lohan continues to break my heart.  OK, she doesn’t really (although it’s true that I have a soft spot for her… and Britney),  but I did watch Mean Girls recently and she was just so damn good in it, TMIMO.  She was healthy, had a normal sized rack, her hair was the proper color, and well… she didn’t look like a cracked out whackadoodle.  But those days are long gone.  And maybe it’s time I poured some on the curb for my cracked out homey and just let go of the sadness.  This girl is beyond help.  She keeps callin’ it a comeback, but L.L. can’t even help her now.

Lindsay’s notion of a “comeback” seems to be all about sex and nekkidness.   Leggings with kneepads?  Check.  Nude photo shoot that is a failed attempt at paying tribute to Marilyn Monroe?  Check.  Nude photo shoot that is a failed attempt at paying tribute to the steamy decade-old relationship between British coke vacuum model Kate Moss and hot cup of Bale Johnny Depp?  Check.

From the New York Post:

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And Maybe YOU’LL Love OUR Exotic, Kooky, Assy Condiment?

LOOK AT THAT ASS*! It's just RIGHT OUT THERE, for everyone to be shocked and amused by! *note: not really this model's ass.

It’s so hard to find the new, cool thing.  This is a difficult time in marketing for the whole world. The global economy is in a terrible state, but everyone wants to see something edgy and new. Well, no one can afford to come up with a whole new thing. So. We try to turn something old and overlooked and dusty into something new again! America’s got crazy, scene-lovin’ hipster kids peddling Miracle Whip as a “lifestyle choice,” and Japan’s decided to promote their asses (or someone’s asses, anyway, screenprinted onto the backs of their skirts in ways that look like would be REALLY uncomfortable if they were real). Japanese booties and Miracle Whip have been overlooked for years!

Tone it down?! What?!? Not THIS free spirit's* Miracle Whip! *note: model is not an actual free spirit .

Give it some thought. When you think of the American flag, do you think of Miracle Whip? No. Because nobody likes Miracle Whip. But THAT’S ALL GOING TO CHANGE, now that a bunch of 19-year-olds are making duckfaces while shoving a jar of it in your face! And when you think of Japan, do you think of asses? No. The Japanese have many, many beautiful features, as a people - but asses aren’t typically the feature you think of first. WELL GUESS WHAT? That’s all gonna change! Because a bunch of 19-year-olds making duckfaces are shoving them in your face! They’re as stylish as Winkers (maybe more so!), and it’s okay that they’re not real, because neither is Miracle Whip.

So everyone wins! Sort of! This economy is going to change, y’all, with the help of Miracle Whip and weird pretend-assless skirts! MARK MY WORDS!

I see no fash-on, it’s all a big fash-off

Let’s you and I have a little pow wow, Lindsay. I know you really think you dress well and sometimes you really look cute (pre-banana hair and orange skin). But I really think you need to ditch the fashion designer thing. It’s not a good start when the man who hires you admits it’s just a publicity stunt:

“Mounir Moufarrige, the new chief executive of Ungaro, said his intention was to give the aging brand the equivalent of “electric shock treatment.”

I don’t know if maybe you thought that was a compliment? But I should let you know they really don’t do electric shock treatment anymore because, it’s not good.

I also want to show you something, Lindsay.

Look, those are genie pants. You know who wears genie pants, genies? Oh, and Vanilla Ice as well as Mc Hammer. But it was the 80’s and everyone was doing it. And I’m not even going to start in on the cumberbund and cape look. WWTGS (what would Tim Gunn say)?

Probably something like, “The whole thing looks like faux bois.”

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I ran this handy algorithm to see who Gwen looks like now. When I look at her face I see Jennifer Connolly, a butterfly, my father's disapproval, and an outline of the state of Maine.

Skimming Rainbow Presents: Strange and Beautiful (Link plays automatic sound)

According to the internet over the weekend…

• Gwen looks different. It’s definitely a change in hair, makeup, and eyebrows. But is any of it plastic?
• This tiny deconstruction of Disney Princesses links to an even more fascinating rejection letter to a woman who applied for a position with Disney. (Note: There is a Sar who comments on that site, but it’s not me.)
• Have you ever wanted plush toys of your favorite internal organs? The search is over.
• You know what would look so hot with your internal organs dolls? Your new Tetris dress.
• I have no idea what McSweeney’s is, but this blog is styled elegantly and it features the most glorious article about fall that I’ve ever read.
• Spoilers for The Beautiful Life (TBL^TM,RIP) because it’s never going to air and even if it did you wouldn’t really watch it.
• These TV characters are pretty, but that’s beside the point. Except that nobody would give a crap about their empowerment otherwise.
• The most interesting thing about Oksana Grigorieva (spelled without looking! in your face Scripps-Howard!) is that she once almost married Timothy Dalton. She had his baby but then rejected his prenup. Well that’s 2 points for consistency, Okkie!

…And what’s strange and beautiful with you, Squeeple?

If the French are doing it then it must be fashionable

I admit I missed the episode of Mad Men where Roger Sterling performed in blackface, but French Vogue is coming out with a 14 page edition with model Laura Stone in black face. Yup, 14 whole pages in blackface. Apparently it’s some celebration lauding Laura Stone for not being the typical super skinny model. Yes, and I know when I’m feeling particularly festive I like to paint my face up and ease on down the road to Baskin and Robbins while singing Suwanee River. It makes total sense to me. How can the rest of the world not get it?

Oh yeah Laura “fatty mcfatterson” Stone wears a whopping size 4. I’m surprised they even found her clothes to wear over that huge ass. Is this seriously happening? There’s a reason people no longer perform minstrel shows or perform in blackface. I was going to write why people no longer put lawn jockeys in their yards anymore but then  I found this.

Notice it’s completely sold out. As someone who’s been called a wet back, I think I would be offended if someone decided to put  a big banana boat with a bad tan on my favorite fashion magazine. I guess soon everyone will be walking around with Chanel grease paint in their Louis Vuittons this fall? This is a crock pot full of fuckery. It’s a crockfuckery and a slap in the face to everyone who ever fought for equal rights. Vogue, you fail and you suck.

“HE WAS WARNED.” - Sarah’s Vagina

Karl Lagerfeld, I don’t think you understand. My vagina has a mind of her own. She cannot be controlled. You see, the warning you were given a couple of months ago was a mercy that few are lucky enough to get. My vagina doesn’t give a fuck about fashion (oh, if I had a Chanel dress for every time we’ve argued bitterly about it… well, I’d be selling them on eBay and eating a WHOLE lot better, for one) but since I do, my vagina was willing to compromise. ONCE.

My vagina heard what you recently said about the popular German women’s magazine Brigitte’s recent decision to stop using professional models in their fashion editorials, opting instead to use “real” women to reconnect with their readers:

Lagerfeld, who has subjected himself to a rigorous slimming schedule, described the magazine’s decision as absurd and said it had fallen victim to overweight women. The 71-year-old designer added: “Nobody wants to see a round woman.”

“You’ve got fat mothers with their bags of chips sitting in front of the television and saying that thin models are ugly.”

“No one wants to see curvy women,” he was quoted as saying on the website of news magazine Focus.

I’ll tell you, Karl, things aren’t looking good for you right now. I may be sitting here writing this post, but my vagina is on the phone booking a flight to Europe. And she is a fierce, stealthy huntress, Karl! - with lots of scary tricks up her… well, you know. Vagina.

It’s out of my hands now. If I were you, I would do two things.

1) Decide which of your paper fans and high-collared shirts you love the most, and pack them away. If they are on your person when my vagina finds you, they will get messed up.

2) FUCKING RUN.

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...Aaaand that's how this is going to play out. Oh and Kate? By the time everyone realizes we were perfect for each other, I'll be long gone.

Skimming Rainbow presents: Putting Words In Your Mouth

According to the internet this week…

• Jon Gosselin: “For the record, when I did it, it wasn’t exploitation-exploitation. Because I was profiting.”  Runner-up: “The only thing more convenient than my morals are these lovely Ed Hardy tampons and douches. Look for my face on the box, only at Target.”
• Kristin Cavallari: “Originality isn’t really his bag. I mean, did you see that one tattoo?”
• Shakira: “I left Spain for this? I had a real career and everything!”
• Kim Zolciak: “I try to add symmables to wrods because it creationates a smartical feeling in me thinks.”
• The Angry Black Lady: “Oh, for fuck’s sake.”
• Katie Holmes: “Arch support?? Don’t let me hear you say those words again. Now hurry, why are you walking like that?”
• Paris Hilton: “Everyone else is criticizing my top, but Sar wants to buy one. Suck it, haters.”
  

…And what words are being put in your mouth this week, Squeeple?

But We Will NEVER Wear “Wild Things” Jammies.

Where The Wilds Things Are is my FAVORITE children’s book. I loved it when it was read to me as a child, I loved it even MORE as an adult when I would read it to my cousin when he was little. My tiny cousin (whom I shall call “Tiny Cousin” as I don’t want to embarrass him now that he’s a 6′4″ adult) used to stalk me around the house and then at unexpected moments become Max and yell “RAWWWWWWR!” prompting me to become one of the monsters; then we’d yell “LET THE WILD RUMPUS START!” which was followed by chasing each other around and ending up in a tired heap with me  growling “I’LL EAT YOU UP, I LOVE YOU SO!” as required both by the story and the fact that Tiny Cousin, at four, was almost unbearably biteable.

My point here is that I LOVE THIS BOOK. And the fact that I have cried EVERY SINGLE TIME I’ve seen a preview for the upcoming movie makes me think the movie will be good.

You know what’s NOT good? Fucking up all my happy memories with The “Wild Things Collection.” Regardless of how much I loved the book (and hopefully will love the movie, fingers crossed) I do NOT want to wear Max’s jammies. Why?  Because I’m neither four, nor am I retarded. I might want to put them on some of my friend’s kids (since Tiny Cousin is no longer tiny), but that’s different, and WAY more cute. I also don’t want to wear a fur vest, dress, or coat based on a “Wild Thing.” Fashion doesn’t have to be whimsical, designers! Don’t you know that “whimsy” is just one short step away from holiday sweaters with snowmen, dancing skeletons and other equally abhorrent crap on them? DON’T DO THAT! Please!

ANYWAY. In case you’ve somehow missed seeing the trailers for the movie, here’s one. I dare you to not tear up. I will also call you a heartless bastard if you don’t.

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This is how to Oops with your eyes.

This feature took a sick day last week while I was under the weather. I returned to the internet to find that I wasn’t the only one who had been sick.

Skimming Rainbow presents: Sickness

• Tyra Banks Show producers are accused of directing a guest to make racist remarks. This item counts because Tyra’s ego reminds me of a disease.
• Has anyone noticed hip hop’s disgusting ass rash? Wait, I mean rash of ass.
• Fashion barfed all over my computer screen.
• Khloe Kardashian’s getting married to her boyfriend of one month. Someone’s about to get a surprise case of the Ohh God What The Hell Did I Dos.
• Bill Maher is the sickest person on today’s list for “jokingly” blaming the victim. LOL!!1! (For the record, Bill: It’s probably illegal to employ children as professional joke writers.)

…And what kind of sickness is on your minds this week, Squeeple?

Well, That’s Okay! *WINK!*

You know how, sometimes, you go to your closet and think, “Ugh, I HATE ALL MY PANTS. The rhinestones and embroidery on my back pockets aren’t enough to satisfy my longing for something MORE. Why don’t ANY of my jeans’ backsides do something unexpected? How come people never stare at my ass with an expression of horrified wonder?”

Well, kiddos, those days are over! Because NOW you can own a pair of CUSTOM-MADE “WINKERS (patent pending!)”

These whimsical ass-trocities were thought up and created by William A. Jones, a retired father of five and grandfather of seven who lives in Everett, Washington. One day, while staring at butts, one in particular caught his appreciative eye, and he thought “Is that butt winking at me? Hey! EUREKA! I’m gonna be rich!” And thus, Winkers (again - patent pending, bitches, so STEP OFF) were born.

To discuss fashion! Also your hatred of women!

I will happily admit that I LOVE fashion. I LOVE IT. I watch it, I pay attention to it, I want to be near it, and at times I have invested far too much money in it. Now, I am aware that as a feminist whose vagina gets angry and throws things from time to time, that may seem counterproductive. Well, sometimes it is. And for the most part, I can laugh off the stupidity that fashion and fashion designers sometimes have to offer. THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE TIMES, Y’ALL.

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When did wearing dead animal parts on one’s body become “fashion”?

Designer Reid Peppard has come up with something that I think is weird to the max.  Accessories that are themselves accessorized with stuffed dead animals and dead animal feathers.

First: Um, what?

Second: Yeah.

Third: Wait ’til PETA gets ahold of this one.

Fourth: UM WHAT!?!?!?

Pictures after the jump.

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Miley Cyrus: Fashion Designer

Miley and fashion designer, Max Azria have “teamed up” to design a new line of clothes and accessories “inspired by Miley’s rock-and-roll roots.” Does Miley have rock-and-roll roots? I imagine their partnership to be something like this.

Max: Ok we need to make some decisions on what color to use. What color do you want to make these shirts?
Miley: Puppy color.
Max: Sweetie, we have been over this. Puppy isn’t a color.
Billy Ray: Hey now, if my little girl wants a puppy color shirt you better make it happen Mr. Big Time Fashion Designer.
Miley: Is BBQ sauce a color?

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Summer Kicks (for under 15 bucks!)

Eiffie Nicki Purple Women Sandal

$9.99!!!

Under 10 bucks.  These babies are sparkly purple with a gold 3.5 inch heel.  They would be perfect for a patio cookout this summer.  Since they aren’t stiletto you could probably walk on the grass too.

Michael Antonio Kepa Orange Women Sandal

$12.99!!!

Summery, beautiful and a shiny satin finish perfect for a fancy event.  Plus orange! Can you think of a better color for summer??

Damita K Candice-7 Turquoise Patent Women Sandal

$12.99!!!

Now your tootsies are ready for summer BBQs, parties and clubs.

Francesco Biasia Purse Sale Edition

So basically I suck. I haven’t been here and I am sorry. I intend to make up for that with this post though. This is is delicious.

Good Girl Two - Black

Regular Price: $799.00
Editors’ Closet Price: $265.00
Details: Made of glossy patent leather. Dimensions: 9 wide across bottom, 13 wide across center, 12 wide across top x 6 1/2 deep x 9 high. Single shoulder strap. Shoulder drop: 9 length. Two front exterior flap pockets. Zipper accents. Pull release closure. Interior lining with a back wall zip pocket and multifunctional slip pockets.

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Arrow points to “Not Fat”

Jessica Simpson took time away from being inappropriately fondled by her father to perform at the Florida Strawberry Festival last week in a pair of booty shorts aka Daisy Dukes aka short ass shorts.

A couple months ago, Jessica Simpson’s fat ass sent shockwaves through the media prompting every woman to exclaim “Well, if she’s fat, we’re all fucked!”

But never fear, ladies!  As evidenced by the photos snapped of Simpson at the fruit festival, Jessica Simpson is like, totally, not fat.  And Thundersquee!’s own Angry Black Lady done told you so– it  was the jeans.

Mom jeans don’t look good on anyone.  Remember when Kate Moss was rocking the Mom jeans? Well, they made her look dumpy too– and Kate Moss is pure unadulterated cocaine skinny.

Yep, Jessica Simpson is definitely not fat.

Unfortunately, you probably still are.

Now what did I do with my cupcakes…

[Image Source.]

Sleevelessness Running Rampant in Washington; Millions Presumed Dead

Ok, fine, no one has died from the sleevelessness that has apparently rocked the Washington establishment to its core, but for all the media handwringing and press coverage that Michelle’s sleeveless shenanigans are garnering, I sort of wish someone would die.  In a fire.  A very incendiary fire.

For those of you who have something better to do than freak the fuck out over Michelle O’s wardrobe, Angry Black Lady has some shocking news, y’all.

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The Meh

They made us laugh, they made us cry, and occasionally they put us to sleep. And  that was just on the red carpet. Now it’s time for Thundersquee! to return the favor with our  SQUEE!, Meh and Fail picks for the 81st Academy Awards.

On with the Meh…

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The SQUEE!

They made us laugh, they made us cry, and occasionally they put us to sleep. And  that was just on the red carpet. Now it’s time for Thundersquee! to return the favor with our  SQUEE!, Meh and Fail picks for the 81st Academy Awards.

On with the SQUEE!…

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Ladies, we’re screwed!

According to Top German designer that I have never heard of, Wolfgang Joop, Heidi Klum is too big to walk the runway and has a stupid smile. “No way,” Joop told German magazine Bild. “She is no runway model! Heidi Klum is simply too heavy and has too big a bust. And she always grins so stupidly. That is not avant-garde - that is commercial!”

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