Perez Hilton is named Hispanic of the Year. 

Hispanic Magazine named semen artist Perez Hilton “Hispanic of the Year.” I’ll give y’all a minute to let that Nugget of No Fucking Way sink in.

Perez Hilton is an ass who bring exactly jack and squat to the table, other than a keen ability to ingratiate himself to the celebrities he used to make fun of.

I used to read Perez Hilton. Back when he was pagesixsixsix. Back then, he castigated Paris Hilton on the regular, and I kept reading because if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that Paris Hilton deserves to be castrated. I mean castigated. What did I say earlier?

But then Paris got her hooks in him and he became her BFF.  After that, it was all over.  Perez’s modus operandi became “get me into a party and hang out and take pictures with me or else I’ll draw a cum stain on your face and tell everyone you’re gay.”

I find it offensive as a person who knows a lot of Hispanic people (heh) that this magazine would name this fucktard Hispanic of the year, instead of say, SONIA FUCKING SOTOMAYOR.

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If you don’t think Sarah Palin is qualified to be President…then you’re probably gay.

You betcha!

Or at least according to the legions of whackos in the comments section of Free Republic.

The GOP has a problem… the howling and screaming coming from the most insanely neocon faction of its party is growing louder. That voice includes the mind-numbingly annoying shriek of Sarah Palin who, despite being totally incompetent, looks like a likely candidate for either the GOP or for some nascent Tea Party Party, even though members of her own party refuse to say out loud that she is qualified. It’s like saying “Bloody Mary” three times in front of a mirror; the likelihood is that nothing bad will happen, but it’s best to keep your yap trapped on the off chance you’ll turn around and find some crazy lady humming the Battle Hymn of the Republic while wielding a bloody knife rifle.

Last month Haley Barbour, Mississippi Governor and President of the Republican Governor’s Association wouldn’t/couldn’t say she was qualified. A couple days ago, House Minority Whip Eric Cantor also dodged the question.

People. SHE’S NOT QUALIFIED.

Here’s how the exchange should go when a question about Sarah Palin’s presidential qualifications is posed:

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Rihanna Wishes He Hadn’t Punched Her in the Face

Rihanna appeared on 20/20 to openly discuss Chris Brown’s assault.  Describing the February 7 attack:

She says all she kept thinking was, “When is it going to stop? When is it going to stop? He had no soul in his eyes. Just blank. He was clearly blacked-out. There was no person when I looked at him.”

Chris Brown, obviously not too happy that she revealed him to be the doosh that he is managed to crawl up a level on the doosh-o-meter by claiming that the details should remain private:

“I maintain my position that all of the details should remain a private matter between us,” he said in the statement to MTV. “I do appreciate her support and wish her the best.”

Yeah, ladies.  Next time your supposed loved one beats the shit out of you, for heaven’s sake, don’t talk about it!  Just, you know, shut up like a good girl is supposed to and let the asshole make his inevitable apologies and promises to “never do it again.”

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November 12 is fast approaching, and not a Miley tweet in site.

Save Fuzzy

November 16 is fast approaching and soon, Fuzzy, will most likely be dead cat meowing. And finally, Miley responds, and she’s not taking the bait.  Miley calls bullshit and apparently, Crazy McCrazyson has heard this news and may actually shorten the deadline.

Here is the latest on poor the poor kitty:

“Miley knows and doesn’t care about Fuzzy (http://bit.ly/EvqIu). Depressed. Maybe I should shorten the deadline instead of extending it :( “

From the cat killer’s site:

November 03, 2009

“A lot of you seem to be bombarding PETA and other Animal Rights organizations with spam about MileySaveFuzzy, but neglecting to actually read their feedback. I decided to help everyone out, so people can spare their valuable time and help conserve some network traffic on the way.

The main organizations you’ve all been whining complaining to are PETA and The Humane Society. They both responded. I took the liberty to bring you their official responses: “

[Miley's video after the jump.]

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We Are Douchebags!

Continue to die in a fire, Darren Rovell.

Oh, please.  Just this morning I told y’all about the jackass who claimed that Meb Keflezighi’s win at the New York City marathon was “empty,” and the ensuing uproar of outrage.  Well, predictably, that jackass is backtracking like… like someone who said something really fucking stupid and knows he’s getting reamed by the media and the blogosphere.  And so, he is attempting to avoid getting fired by “apologizing.”  He’s backtrackin’ to the oldies.  And I, for one, call bullshit.  ::ring ring::  WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE ANSWER THE PHONE!!??

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Fake American wins New York Marathon?  The Outrage!

On Sunday, a bunch of crazy ass people decided to run a long distance.  Like really far.  In New York.  I guess people do these sorts of things.  “Marathons,” I believe they are called?  Personally, I only run when I’m being chased. Or if someone is dangling a bottle of Macallan 12 on a fishing pole in front of me.  Run!  Run to the scotch!  Gimme, gimme, gimme!

Well this year’s crazy Running Man was an American!  Holy crap!  An American, Meb Keflezighi won the New York marathon for the first time since 1982! Prompting everyone to, once again, bust out their foam fingers.  We’re number one, we’re number one!

Except some doosh, Darren Rovell, a sports reporter over at CNBC had to go and take the wind out of Keflezighi’s and America’s sails by claiming that he’s not Really American so motherfuckers should quit being all excited that an American won the New York Marathon.  Why?  Because he was born in ::gasp:: AFRICA.

Oh yeah.  You read me right.

Rovell, in an article entitled “Marathon’s Headline Win is Empty,” had this to say:

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The “Bitch, Please” Heard ‘Round the World

After months of unrepentant dooshnozzlery, Jon Gosselin is pretending to be sorry, and apparently becoming a Jew.  He recently met with Rabbi to the Stars, Shmuley Boteach, and plans to get in touch with his “deeper, more spiritual, more altruistic self.”  Yeaaaah.  Riiiiiight.

He’s also claiming that he has lost his way, morally:

“I am well aware that my behavior over the past few months has not always reflected my personal and religious values.  I further accept that I have allowed myself to become somewhat severed from my own moral anchor and [to] be carried away by the challenges of fame.”

And, he complains that all his famewhoring isn’t really famewhoring;  like some emo teenager, he whines about how people just don’t understand his pain, man:

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Thank you, Cruise.  Now Can They All Go Away?  Far Far Away?

I must admit that I’m thankful to Cruise and Xenu that TLC is being forced to pull the plug on Jon and Kate Plus 8.  I’m also proud that I can say that I have never not once watched even a millisecond of this show.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those nose-in-the-air, “I only watch PBS” types.  No sirree.  Back in the day, I was a Big Brother, Survivor, and America’s Next Top Model enthusiast.   And by “back in the day,” I mean last year.  But alas, work and ’squee force me to be much more discerning with my television watching.

But, even though I never watched the show, the whole idea struck me as profoundly disturbing.  There’s voyeurism and then there’s voyeurism. Also, the little Gosselin Crumbsnatchers now have a video documentary of the travesty that is the end of the 10 year long relationship between these two fame whores.

And to top it all off, there probably won’t even be any money available to pay for the shock therapy these kids will require long after the public has forgotten who Jon and Kate are, because Jon Gosselin and his lawyers ordered TLC to cease filming.  No TLC personnel are allowed to step foot on the property Jon still owns with his wife.

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Crazy is as Crazy Does

Orly Taitz, dentist, lawyer, and hot cup of crazy, got slapped with a $20,000 fine for her Birther shenanigans.

Orly Taitz is that crazy Tammy Faye-looking lady who is the “queen” of the Birther Movement.   She’s been flapping her gums about how Obama isn’t a U.S. citizen and therefore isn’t legitimately the President of the United States, and has filed multiple lawsuits making her absurd claims.  For most people, the birther crap seems to have run its course.  Or at least, it has in the media.  It is, after all, abjectly fucking stupid.

Nonetheless, I reckon there are underground lairs of crazy people who still believe this nonsense.  And Orly is one of them; she continues to demand that Obama produce his birth certificate.  Even though… you know… he already has.    Hell, even Hawaii tried to put a stop to the birther crap and came out and said “Listen here, motherfuckers.  Obama was born in Honolulu!”  But, apparently Hawaii is in on Operation Fake President; at least according to Orly.  After all, she’s the one behind all the fake birth certificates–including one from friggin’ Canada.

Orly has been ridiculed for months now–by the media, by the courts, and by her own (former) clients–but she keeps on actin’ the fool.  And now her unchecked tomfoolery has resulted in sanctions–a whopping $20,000 which is $10,000 more than the amount the judge originally threatened.

I’m fairly certain my original was assessment was correct; the judge was baiting her by asking her to file court papers addressing why she shouldn’t be sanctioned.  Instead of writing a legal argument, she served up more crazy.

From the judge’s ruling:

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Woohoo!  America Loses!  Some country with brown people, FTW!  Wait, we don’t even like brown people… What are we cheering for again?

As you probably know, Chicago lost the bid to host the 2016 Olympics in the first round.  Ultimately, the International Olympic Committee decided to have the Olympics in Rio de Janeiro.  (Somewhere Duran Duran is getting really excited; sales of Rio are going to skyrocket.  Just you watch.  Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand… just like that river twisting through the dusty land.)

Obama made a special trip to Copenhagan to appeal to the IOC: Pretty pretty please, let Chicago host the Olympics?  The IOC was all “er…. no!  NEXT!”  Well, people in Chicago were crushed.

I think the Olympics are sort of a joke, at this point.  First of all, I don’t see why we need to have them every two years.  I liked it better when it was every four years and all year round.  Second, with all the doping and scandal and technology, swimmers are wearing skintight full body suits that provide them gills as soon as they enter the water, and speed walkers swish their way to glory in shoes with nitro tanks hidden in the heels.  I mean really?  The Olympics have become less about real talent, and more about who can hide the fact that they are all jacked up on steroids, or that they are a 9 year old gymnast masquerading as a 16 year old.  Third, the whole affair turns into this uber-nationalistic jingoistic commercialized bullshit that really annoys me.

[Sidenote: The opening ceremonies from the Beijing Olympics partly awed me and partly scared the crap out of me.  Mark my words, squeeple.  If China ever decides they want to go all Germany on our asses and take over the goddamn world, they are going to do it with swift razor sharp precision.  Then again, I'm not really sure I care.  I figure I could learn Chinese pretty quickly.  I'm smart.  Plus, gottDAMN, I wouldn't mind eating soup dumplings for  the rest of my natural born life.]

But I digress.  I don’t really give a shit where the Olympics are held.  I’m sure my heart will go on, Celine Dion-style whether the Olympics are in Chicago, Rio, or the Sandwich Islands.  (You think the BLT is their official national food?!)

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…now that he has been kicked off his show

Jon Gosselin and his lawyers have thrown a hissy fit and halted production of Jon and Kate Plus 8. TLC has had enough of his crap and decided to kick him to the curb and rename the show Kate Plus 8.

“Effective immediately, no production crews are to enter Jon’s family home for any reason. In the event that anyone enters the marital property, Jon Gosselin will notify the local authorities to effectuate police action against any trespassers.’” (more…)

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Orly Taitz, DDS, Esq. = PWNED

Last week I told y’all about how Orly Taitz is off her damn rocker. If you recall, she decided it would be a good idea to spout off to the media that Judge Clay Land is treasonous and a puppet of the Obama “regime” after Land dismissed the case of Taitz’s client, Connie Rhodes–a woman who seems to think she can demand verification of her deployment order on the basis that Obama has not yet proven that he’s a U.S. citizen and therefore a legitimate President.  Basically, both of these women are nucking futs.

Instead of keeping her piehole shut, Taitz went and filed another motion!  The court viewed it as a motion to reconsider which is legalese for “Hey Judge, you got it wrong; here’s why; please reconsider your ruling.”  Usually when lawyers file motions to reconsider, they base it on, you know, legal principles and junk.

Not Orly.  Oh no.  Instead she decided to file a motion that relied on no legal authority whatsoever, and instead restated all her birther bullshit.  She called the judge treasonous and said that “the United States District Courts in the 11th Circuit are subject to political pressure, external control… and subservience to the same illegitimate chain of command which Plaintiff has previously protested.”  (Um, Orly?  Judge Land was not even appointed by Obama.  HE WAS APPOINTED BY DUBYA IN 2001.  So, what in the name of biscuits are you even talking about?)

Here’s a snippet of gold from the Judge’s ruling:

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Tell Us! No Judgments! Probably!

Recently, a thought occurred to me.
I might be a doosh, y’all.
Allow me to explain.

There I was, driving along the 64, when the SUV in front of me swerved into the left lane. Then it swerved back into the right lane. Then it swerved BACK into the left lane, slowed down, and came back to the right lane, whereupon it began to pick up speed. My first thought wasn’t “I wonder if he’s drunk.” Nor was it “I bet he’s texting someone, or on the phone.” NOR was it “I hope that guy isn’t having a heart attack.” No. I thought NONE of these. My first, and lasting thought was “fucking Republican.”

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Raise your hand if you’re surprised - then slap yourself silly.

Adultering Assemblyman Michael Duvall resigned from the California State Assembly about one hot minute ago.  You see, he let his braggadocio hang out and get caught on a tape.  Gossiping with his bud, Duvall tittered about not one, but TWO affairs he was having.  Apparently, his married girlfriend likes to get spanked and complained to him that she was dripping all over the stairs after a marathon boning session.  Grossest thing about that?  He prefaced it with the fact they “made love Wednesday - a lot!”  Made love? Ewwww!  Apparently he also was getting into spanking her.  I’d like to spank him with my fist.  In his face.

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Flip your hat lid down, raise your right hand, and slap yourself with it.

Yeah, man!  You’re so cool.  You wear your hat like DJ Jazzy Jeff.  You don’t watch television.  You’re too cool for television.  You just sit around in your own doosh-iverse posting quasi-hipster rants on the YouTubes.  You’re like, totally, subverting the dominant paradigm.  While those other fools get “placiated” you’re like, talking to your webcam. You’re AWESOME.

Hey buddy?  You got a little doosh in the corner of your eye.

YOU + LIFE = FAIL.

(Thanks to ManBearPig the Great for the tip!)

Kanye West is pissed he didn’t think of this first

“I have decided that if there is a Queen of England and Prince William, we need to have a King of America, and I have nominated myself for that title.”

Now I don’t believe this for one second. It’s just a ploy to get attention on his part. When Heidi wants attention she puts on a bikini, calls the paparazzi and talks about loving Jesus. When Spencer wants attention, he issues proclamations.

For the record, I am in favor or him renaming himself King Spencer Pratt. Personally, I would have suggested Emperor Douchebag or even Lord of the Short Bus,  but King Pratt isn’t half bad.

Seriously.  You suck in every way imaginable, and in some ways I haven’t yet imagined.

Heidi Montag “performed” at the Miss Universe pageant.  And by “performed,” I mean “ran around on stage looking like a hot cup of clumsy wearing an outfit Britney Spears wore ten years ago.”

Listen here, Lord.  I know you’re benevolent and all-loving and forgiving and whatnot, and it would be beneath you to suggest to one of your followers that she kindly die in a fire, but hear me out.  She’s making a mockery of you and all that you stand for, running around like a dumbass with her implants and her stupid face talking about how much she loves your son.  I mean, have you seen Heidi Montag’s twitter feed?  It’s UNBEARABLE.  She’s constantly talking about “Thank you Jesus!” and “I love Jesus!” and “I’m a Christian, you’re a Christian, he’s a Christian, she’s a Christian, wouldn’t you like to be a Christian too?” and “Jesus is the man now, dawg!” and “Praise Jesus!  Rub yourself in feces and pose on Playboy and then carry the magazine with you wherever you go like an attention-seeking twit. Hell, make a t-shirt.  Why not.  It’s what a douchebag would do.”  I mean, COME ON.  This woman is RICK-DICK-ULOUS. You know it’s bad when LC starts to make sense.

OK, I get it, Lord.  That’s just not your style.  But may I make a visual argument?  Here it is:

Still no?  OK.  I understand.  I’m disappointed, but I understand.

She looks like ten pounds of 50-year old white trash.

Lindsay Lohan and her new crazy ass lip job appears to be completing her transformation into a 50 year old Hollywood used-to-be-famous-but-now-is-washed-up-and-a-hot-steaming-bowl-of-sad.  One more step and it will be “I’m ready for my close up, Mr. DeMille.”  Except Mr. DeMille will be Mr. Weird Guy Who Makes Snuff Films In His Basement.

She looks like a crazy ass.  Crazy orange hair, Crazy orange skin, crazy lips blown so far up they could only serve one real purpose–IYKWIMAITYD–which is confusing considering she caught Teh Gay.

Lindsay.  What in the name of Cruise is wrong with you?  I keep pulling for you, but you keep breaking wind in my face.  Get thine shit together.  You’re hitting critical Doosh Stage IV. Please and thank you.

The NCAA All-Douche team

A few months back, Cait and I got to debating some of the all-time douche players in college football history. I’m not entirely sure how this conversation even came into being, but I think it had something to do with Tim Tebow.

Anyway, after several hours of discussion, we eventually realized that there were far too many individual douches, many of them attending the same school, to be able to distill a greatest ever list down to a single player at each position. No, what made more sense was to nominate schools based on the number and quality of douches they’d had at a given position. This made sense because: a.) it made our job easier; and b.) there really did seem to be a ton of douches at particular positions of particular schools.

It’s quite the interesting phenomenon.

Anyway, without further delay, I present to you the first installment of the all-douche team, the punters!

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