Also, It Makes You Smell Really, Really Bad.

Vaibhav Bedi has been using Axe Body Spray for seven years, thinking “any minute now, throngs of models in the throes of spontaneous orgasm brought on by my scent are going to launch themselves at me and offer me some boob. And maybe one of them will want a relationship with me, even!”  Well, Vaibhav Bedi thought wrong.

Why is Vaibhav Bedi angry about this?

The company cheated me. It says women will be attracted to you if you use Axe. I used it for seven years but no girl came to me.

Not only was he never once accosted by hordes of beautiful young women, but he wasn’t even offered any casual boob from random passers-by or homeless people. None. Not even one  “Jesus, alright, whatever, just leave me alone if I do it this one time” boob. IN SEVEN YEARS.

The Axe ads promised him that if he bought their douchey-smelling elixirs of douchetasticness and then applied said douchetastic elixirs onto his body, at least one girl would be so overcome by his scent that she’d have no choice but submit to him. And since ads apparently never lie in India, Vaibhav is suing Unilever (makers of said douchetastic body spray) for $40,000. Because in the seven years that he’s been dousing his body in the putrid funk that is Axe Body Spray, not one girl has thrown herself at him whilst ripping her pants off, or otherwise.

Unilever has declined to comment. Because smelling really, really bad speaks louder than words.

What else is new?

Notice the vacant eyes and inability to find the camera

We have long known that Heidi Montag and her Doucher Husband Who Shall Remain Nameless are at the pinnacle of Suckdom.  Heidi has surpassed the peak by refusing to attend her sister’s 26th birthday party at LA’s Empire Hollywood without being paid.  People are scoffing in disgust (not really, you know no one is surprised) that the ever popular (hah-HA) beauty (double hah-HA) would do something so frivolous as refuse to attend unless her family pays her. I’m mean, seriously?

“Holly was really wishing that her sister could just be a sister and stop by her birthday party, but Heidi only goes places if she is getting paid,” an insider said. “I mean, this is her sister and she wouldn’t even show up without a fee. That’s disgusting.”

Listen up, Heidi, your family has already suffered, I mean paid, enough.  I don’t particularly like my brother, I especially don’t like his “wife”, but I would never charge them to attend any event I was hosting.  I’m sure Doucher Husband Who Shall Remain Nameless had a hand in it, after all he oozes slime, but this aggression will not stand, man.  If I still followed Heidi on Twitter, I’d tell her that God hates her and she’s a piece of poop.  These two dolts won’t do anything that doesn’t make them money.  MTV probably doesn’t even pay them anymore for The Hills, they just show up where the cameras are rolling. It probably goes down like this. (more…)

The College Football All-Douche Team

A few months back, Cait and I got to debating some of the all-time douche players in college football history.  I’m not entirely sure how this conversation even came into being, but I think it had something to do with Tim Tebow.

Anyway, after several hours of discussion, we eventually realized that there were far too many individual douches, many of them attending the same school, to be able to distill a greatest ever list down to a single player at each position.  No, what made more sense was to nominate schools based on the number and quality of douches they’d had at a given position.  This made sense because: a.) it made our job easier; and b.) there really did seem to be a ton of douches at particular positions of particular schools.

It’s quite the interesting phenomenon.

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The NCAA All-Douche team

A few months back, Cait and I got to debating some of the all-time douche players in college football history. I’m not entirely sure how this conversation even came into being, but I think it had something to do with Tim Tebow.

Anyway, after several hours of discussion, we eventually realized that there were far too many individual douches, many of them attending the same school, to be able to distill a greatest ever list down to a single player at each position. No, what made more sense was to nominate schools based on the number and quality of douches they’d had at a given position. This made sense because: a.) it made our job easier; and b.) there really did seem to be a ton of douches at particular positions of particular schools.

It’s quite the interesting phenomenon.

Anyway, without further delay, I present to you the second installment of the all-douche team, the kickers! (For the punters, click here)

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