What the biscuits?

Well, we all knew it was coming.  It’s the celebrity way.  Call someone a faggot, or a nigger, or a sugartits (so sweet and tasty!), and just go to rehab!  That’s how celebrities get it done:

In a last-ditch effort to save his marriage, a shell-shocked Tiger Woods will check into rehab to seek treatment for his sexual compulsions and prescription drug use, insiders have told The Enquirer exclusively. The disgraced golfing great agreed to get help at an Arizona clinic after spending the Christmas holiday with his family, say sources. The serial cheater’s decision to get therapy is part of a deal struck with his stunning wife Elin to persuade her not to dump him.

“Elin gave Tiger an ultimatum — seek treatment or forget all about winning her back,” revealed an insider. “Rehab is at the top of the list of things he must do. Tiger will be going into rehab in early January to treat his sexual compulsion and his use of the drugs Ambien and Vicodin.”

First of all, ambien?

Second of all, ambien?  REALLY?

Finally, I’ve never understood the obsession with forcing people to go to rehab just for acting like an asshole.  Are they going to some sort of Asshole Ashram?  Are they sitting in the lotus position while chanting ohm mani padme so sorry for being an asshole?  Seriously, y’all.  Where is this Asshole Retreat?  I know a couple people who should go there.  Hell, I ought to go there every once in a while.

Cripes.

Tiger has really stepped in it, hasn’t he?  He was this goody two shoes-lookin’ fool and now I look at him and all I think is strippers, and whores, and golf, oh my!   And really, when was the last time you thought “golf” and immediately thought “whores”?

Never?

That’s what I thought.

Doosh Thunderdome: It’s votin’ time.

So, whaddya reckon?

Serena Williams?

I'm a doosh in a catsuit!

Delonte West?

I'm a shirtless doosh!

Terrelle Pryor?

I'm a doosh in a horseshoe!

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Terrelle Pryor: Doosh Dossier

This year has visited a groundswell of doosh upon the hapless heads of Hags and Squeeple alike. A torrential outpouring of vinegar so vast in scope and relentless in attack that it can relate to only this: the countless acts of dooshery, douchestacity, and douchebagelry with which we, in the People’s Republic of Thundersquee!, have been forced to reckon. It ain’t pretty people. We’ve had Kanye Interruptus; Carrie Preach-jean; Jon “Ed Hardy” Gosselin; Rush Oxylimbaugh; Glenn Crazy Eyes Beck; and the list goes on.

Here’s how it will work. For the next couple of weeks, we will recount some of the dooshes catalogued in our year-long category aptly titled “Doosh Watch 2009.” We will then pit the dooshes against each other in the Thunderdome. And you, dear squeeperson, will vote for your least favorite doosh, or-if you prefer a phrase more semantically accurate-the dooshiest doosh as between the dooshes.

Put on your protective goggles, squeeples. You do NOT want to look any of these dooshes in the eye.

So here’s what you do: Assess the dooshery based on our prior blog posts throughout the year and any independent knowledge you may have of a particular doosh’s dooshiness. And then vote! It’s as easy as saying… something that’s easy to say.

We will provide a doosh dossier on each of three Doosh of the Year Nominees throughout the day. Then at the end of the day (8 p.m. PST-ish) that day, we will open the polls for voting. You vote for the dooshiest of the three. And at the end of the doosh round robin, we will pit our final three nominees against each other and award a Giant Bag of Doosh to our Douche of 2009. Stay classy, squeeple!

Next up are Serena Williams, Delonte West and Terrelle Pryor or as we at Thundersquee! like to call them, the doosh athletes who shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

Terrelle Pryor

Okay, some people will say you should cut this guy some slack because he’s young.  But I say if you’re old enough to serve our country in a friggin’ war, you should be old enough to put together a few coherent thoughts.  And no, saying “everyone kills people” is not a coherent thought.

To be fair though, that quote doesn’t quite do his dooshiness justice.  First of all, he was defending Mike Vick.  That was mistake No. 1.  Mistake No. 2 follows in its entirety:

“Not everybody’s the perfect person in the world. I mean everyone kills people, murders people, steals from you, steals from me, whatever.”

Also, here is a video of him doing what he does best:  Inserting his foot into his mouth.

We are left speechless from this ridiculousness, when HE is the one who shouldn’t be talking.  And this makes us angry.

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Delonte West: Doosh Dossier

This year has visited a groundswell of doosh upon the hapless heads of Hags and Squeeple alike. A torrential outpouring of vinegar so vast in scope and relentless in attack that it can relate to only this: the countless acts of dooshery, douchestacity, and douchebagelry with which we, in the People’s Republic of Thundersquee!, have been forced to reckon. It ain’t pretty people. We’ve had Kanye Interruptus; Carrie Preach-jean; Jon “Ed Hardy” Gosselin; Rush Oxylimbaugh; Glenn Crazy Eyes Beck; and the list goes on.

Here’s how it will work. For the next couple of weeks, we will recount some of the dooshes catalogued in our year-long category aptly titled “Doosh Watch 2009.” We will then pit the dooshes against each other in the Thunderdome. And you, dear squeeperson, will vote for your least favorite doosh, or-if you prefer a phrase more semantically accurate-the dooshiest doosh as between the dooshes.

Put on your protective goggles, squeeples. You do NOT want to look any of these dooshes in the eye.

So here’s what you do: Assess the dooshery based on our prior blog posts throughout the year and any independent knowledge you may have of a particular doosh’s dooshiness. And then vote! It’s as easy as saying… something that’s easy to say.

We will provide a doosh dossier on each of three Doosh of the Year Nominees throughout the day. Then at the end of the day (8 p.m. PST-ish) that day, we will open the polls for voting. You vote for the dooshiest of the three. And at the end of the doosh round robin, we will pit our final three nominees against each other and award a Giant Bag of Doosh to our Douche of 2009. Stay classy, squeeple!

Next up are Serena Williams, Delonte West and Terrelle Pryor or as we at Thundersquee! like to call them, the doosh athletes who shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

Delonte West 

For those of you who don’t follow the NBA with any sort of regularity, let me just tell you:  This man is kind of psychotic (though in a good way).

Oh sure, he’s a mercurial player at the point guard position, and a true difference-maker for a Cleveland team that was simply Lebron and the seven dwarfs before he arrived.  But can he really get his sh** together and help Cleveland win a championship?  That we’re not so sure about.

The reason for this are manyfold, though most of them have something to do with him being a complete nutbar.

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Serena Williams: Doosh Dossier

This year has visited a groundswell of doosh upon the hapless heads of Hags and Squeeple alike. A torrential outpouring of vinegar so vast in scope and relentless in attack that it can relate to only this: the countless acts of dooshery, douchestacity, and douchebagelry with which we, in the People’s Republic of Thundersquee!, have been forced to reckon. It ain’t pretty people. We’ve had Kanye Interruptus; Carrie Preach-jean; Jon “Ed Hardy” Gosselin; Rush Oxylimbaugh; Glenn Crazy Eyes Beck; and the list goes on.

Here’s how it will work. For the next couple of weeks, we will recount some of the dooshes catalogued in our year-long category aptly titled “Doosh Watch 2009.” We will then pit the dooshes against each other in the Thunderdome. And you, dear squeeperson, will vote for your least favorite doosh, or-if you prefer a phrase more semantically accurate-the dooshiest doosh as between the dooshes.

Put on your protective goggles, squeeples. You do NOT want to look any of these dooshes in the eye.

So here’s what you do: Assess the dooshery based on our prior blog posts throughout the year and any independent knowledge you may have of a particular doosh’s dooshiness. And then vote! It’s as easy as saying… something that’s easy to say.

We will provide a doosh dossier on each of three Doosh of the Year Nominees throughout the day. Then at the end of the day (8 p.m. PST-ish) that day, we will open the polls for voting. You vote for the dooshiest of the three. And at the end of the doosh round robin, we will pit our final three nominees against each other and award a Giant Bag of Doosh to our Douche of 2009. Stay classy, squeeple!

Next up are Serena Williams, Delonte West and Terrelle Pryor or as we at Thundersquee! like to call them, the doosh athletes who shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

Serena Williams 

Finding words to decribe her epic rant on a female line judge – a rant that ultimately cost her a U.S. Open championship — isn’t exactly easy.  Especially after our own stopthemadness did such a great job of summing up earlier this year (Serena Williams will kill you).  So perhaps video will tell the tale best:

Among the jewels she blessed the world with, perhaps the most damning of all was the initial threat itself:  “If I could, I would take this fucking ball and shove it down your fucking throat.”

That’s the kind of thing we might say to someone if they’re threatening our family or raping our sister.  The calm-headed Williams used it during a tennis match.

Charming.

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Doosh Thunderdome: It’s votin’ time.

So, whaddya reckon?

Rush Limbaugh?

I'm a doosh with a cigar!

Megan Fox?

I'm a doosh with a stupid tattoo!

Sarah Palin?

I'm a four-eyed doosh!

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Megan Fox: Doosh Dossier

This year has visited a groundswell of doosh upon the hapless heads of Hags and Squeeple alike. A torrential outpouring of vinegar so vast in scope and relentless in attack that it can relate to only this: the countless acts of dooshery, douchestacity, and douchebagelry with which we, in the People’s Republic of Thundersquee!, have been forced to reckon. It ain’t pretty people. We’ve had Kanye Interruptus; Carrie Preach-jean; Jon “Ed Hardy” Gosselin; Rush Oxylimbaugh; Glenn Crazy Eyes Beck; and the list goes on.

Here’s how it will work. For the next couple of weeks, we will recount some of the dooshes catalogued in our year-long category aptly titled “Doosh Watch 2009.” We will then pit the dooshes against each other in the Thunderdome. And you, dear squeeperson, will vote for your least favorite doosh, or-if you prefer a phrase more semantically accurate-the dooshiest doosh as between the dooshes.

Put on your protective goggles, squeeples. You do NOT want to look any of these dooshes in the eye.

So here’s what you do: Assess the dooshery based on our prior blog posts throughout the year and any independent knowledge you may have of a particular doosh’s dooshiness. And then vote! It’s as easy as saying… something that’s easy to say.

We will provide a doosh dossier on each of three Doosh of the Year Nominees throughout the day. Then at the end of the day (8 p.m. PST-ish) that day, we will open the polls for voting. You vote for the dooshiest of the three. And at the end of the doosh round robin, we will pit our final three nominees against each other and award a Giant Bag of Doosh to our Douche of 2009. Stay classy, squeeple!

First up are Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, and Megan Fox or as we at Thundersquee! like to call them, the Pig, the Lipstick, and the Pig in Lipstick.

Megan Fox

How dooshy is Megan Fox?  So dooshy that our own KeeblerKahn has been grappling with her for months. But she kept fighting back.  She floats like a butterfly, stings like a doosh.  Frustrated, Keebler even declared A Day Without Megan Fox, earlier this summer.  Megan Fox was unmoved; even that didn’t stop her.

Later that summer, we thought maybe she would undermine us by dressing real classy-like.   Maybe she’ll de-dooshify.  We all crossed our fingers.

We were, of course, fucking idiots.  in spec-doosh-ular fashion, she turned down the opportunity to star with Daniel Craig in a Bond movie.

Then she stupidly informed us she might be schizo (doing a great disservice to those who actually ARE schizo).

And then she railed against Michael Bay, the one dude who saw through the doosh and helped make her a star (even if, as Lily the Pink noted,  Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was a bowl of stupid.)

Finally in a spectacular nuclear holocaust of doosh, she went and did an interview with Rolling Stone during which her cup of doosh ranneth over.

Keebler wants her to STFU.

Stopthemadness wants to punch her in the vagina.  (Oh and there’s the faux appearance anxiety and the “ZOMG!, am I ugly?” bullshit.)

Lisa(#1), after pointing out her diarrhea of the mouth earlier this year, adds these doosh points:

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SARAH PALIN: Doosh Dossier

This year has visited a groundswell of doosh upon the hapless heads of Hags and Squeeple alike. A torrential outpouring of vinegar so vast in scope and relentless in attack that it can relate to only this: the countless acts of dooshery, douchestacity, and douchebagelry with which we, in the People’s Republic of Thundersquee!, have been forced to reckon. It ain’t pretty people. We’ve had Kanye Interruptus; Carrie Preach-jean; Jon “Ed Hardy” Gosselin; Rush Oxylimbaugh; Glenn Crazy Eyes Beck; and the list goes on.

Here’s how it will work. For the next couple of weeks, we will recount some of the dooshes catalogued in our year-long category aptly titled “Doosh Watch 2009.” We will then pit the dooshes against each other in the Thunderdome. And you, dear squeeperson, will vote for your least favorite doosh, or-if you prefer a phrase more semantically accurate-the dooshiest doosh as between the dooshes.

Put on your protective goggles, squeeples. You do NOT want to look any of these dooshes in the eye.

So here’s what you do: Assess the dooshery based on our prior blog posts throughout the year and any independent knowledge you may have of a particular doosh’s dooshiness. And then vote! It’s as easy as saying… something that’s easy to say.

We will provide a doosh dossier on each of three Doosh of the Year Nominees throughout the day.  Then at the end of the day (8 p.m. PST-ish) that day, we will open the polls for voting. You vote for the dooshiest of the three. And at the end of the doosh round robin, we will pit our final three nominees against each other and award a Giant Bag of Doosh to our Douche of 2009.  Stay classy, squeeple!

First up are Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, and Megan Fox or as we at Thundersquee! like to call them, the Pig, the Lipstick, and the Pig in Lipstick.

Sarah Palin

(1)she believes in death panels–you betcha!;

(2) she doesn’t care about Asian people;

(3) she needs The Shat (Bill Shatner) to interpret her nonsense;

(4) she quit her job;

(5) she gets burned in effigy;

(6) her daughter’s baby daddy doesn’t like her;

(7) she has dumb supporters;

(8) she even pisses off Fox News!

And Lisa(#1) specifically, raises these doosh points:

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RUSH LIMBAUGH: Doosh Dossier 

This year has visited a groundswell of doosh upon the hapless heads of Hags and Squeeple alike. A torrential outpouring of vinegar so vast in scope and relentless in attack that it can relate to only this: the countless acts of dooshery, douchestacity, and douchebagelry with which we, in the People’s Republic of Thundersquee!, have been forced to reckon. It ain’t pretty people. We’ve had Kanye Interruptus; Carrie Preach-jean; Jon “Ed Hardy” Gosselin; Rush Oxylimbaugh; Glenn Crazy Eyes Beck; and the list goes on.

Here’s how it will work. For the next couple of weeks, we will recount some of the dooshes catalogued in our year-long category aptly titled “Doosh Watch 2009.” We will then pit the dooshes against each other in the Thunderdome. And you, dear squeeperson, will vote for your least favorite doosh, or-if you prefer a phrase more semantically accurate-the dooshiest doosh as between the dooshes.

Put on your protective goggles, squeeples. You do NOT want to look any of these dooshes in the eye.

So here’s what you do: Assess the dooshery based on our prior blog posts throughout the year and any independent knowledge you may have of a particular doosh’s dooshiness. And then vote! It’s as easy as saying… something that’s easy to say.

We will provide a doosh dossier on each of three Doosh of the Year Nominees throughout the day.  Then at the end of the day (8 p.m. PST-ish) that day, we will open the polls for voting. You vote for the dooshiest of the three. And at the end of the doosh round robin, we will pit our final three nominees against each other and award a Giant Bag of Doosh to our Douche of 2009.  Stay classy, squeeple!

First up are Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, and Megan Fox or as we at Thundersquee! like to call them, the Pig, the Lipstick, and the Pig in Lipstick.

Rush Limbaugh

(1) he’s oh so easy to dislike;

(2) he rules RNC Chairman Michael Steele with a pudgy oxy-filled fist;

(3) he thinks Mexico tried to infect us with pig AIDS;

(4) he makes assholic statements about Sonia Sotomayor and her heritage;

(5) he makes dickish comments about Henry Louis Gates, Jr. being a black militant;

(6) he inspires WTF!?-ism with his musings on  Tiger Woods;

(7) he thinks people who exercise are fucking up the health care system;

(8) he blames Obama for Mark Sanford’s affair;

(9) he blames Obama for Michael Jackson’s death;

(10) he is a racist fuckwit;

How dooshy do you think Limbaugh is?  Ponder the case we’ve made throughout the year, and add your own musings in the comments section.

(Stay tuned throughout the day as we make our case for Sarah Palin and Megan Fox.)

Put on your protective doosh gear, squeeple.

Perez Hilton is named Hispanic of the Year. 

Hispanic Magazine named semen artist Perez Hilton “Hispanic of the Year.” I’ll give y’all a minute to let that Nugget of No Fucking Way sink in.

Perez Hilton is an ass who bring exactly jack and squat to the table, other than a keen ability to ingratiate himself to the celebrities he used to make fun of.

I used to read Perez Hilton. Back when he was pagesixsixsix. Back then, he castigated Paris Hilton on the regular, and I kept reading because if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that Paris Hilton deserves to be castrated. I mean castigated. What did I say earlier?

But then Paris got her hooks in him and he became her BFF.  After that, it was all over.  Perez’s modus operandi became “get me into a party and hang out and take pictures with me or else I’ll draw a cum stain on your face and tell everyone you’re gay.”

I find it offensive as a person who knows a lot of Hispanic people (heh) that this magazine would name this fucktard Hispanic of the year, instead of say, SONIA FUCKING SOTOMAYOR.

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Douching, I mean duking it out

Michael Lohan has accused Jon Gosselin of “stabbing him in the back,” because he had a business arrangement with Gosselin in which he allegedly would act as what sounds like a freelance agent for Gosselin–he would get Jon work in return for a percentage of his fee–and Gosselin reneged.

“Jon knows what the deal was. I kept him out of harm’s way… and he stabbed me in the back,” Lohan told Access. “When you open your door to somebody and you give them a safe haven and a place to go and then they turn around and bite the hand that feeds or stab you in the back, that doesn’t sit well with me.”

“Jon has hurt a lot of people in his life, ” Lohan added. “I feel bad for him.”

I want to be happy that these two de-combined their wonder-doosh powers, but I can’t help but be a little sad.  A doosh force of that caliber would have surely eclipsed Speidi. Then again, it might also have eclipsed the sun and caused the earth to enter an eternal state of vinegar winter.  So now I’m torn…

If you don’t think Sarah Palin is qualified to be President…then you’re probably gay.

You betcha!

Or at least according to the legions of whackos in the comments section of Free Republic.

The GOP has a problem… the howling and screaming coming from the most insanely neocon faction of its party is growing louder. That voice includes the mind-numbingly annoying shriek of Sarah Palin who, despite being totally incompetent, looks like a likely candidate for either the GOP or for some nascent Tea Party Party, even though members of her own party refuse to say out loud that she is qualified. It’s like saying “Bloody Mary” three times in front of a mirror; the likelihood is that nothing bad will happen, but it’s best to keep your yap trapped on the off chance you’ll turn around and find some crazy lady humming the Battle Hymn of the Republic while wielding a bloody knife rifle.

Last month Haley Barbour, Mississippi Governor and President of the Republican Governor’s Association wouldn’t/couldn’t say she was qualified. A couple days ago, House Minority Whip Eric Cantor also dodged the question.

People. SHE’S NOT QUALIFIED.

Here’s how the exchange should go when a question about Sarah Palin’s presidential qualifications is posed:

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And you thought Michael Bolton was a no-talent ass clown

Ms. Tequila, who is famous for doing absolutely NOTHING (This is the woman who got famous for being hot on Myspace) is claiming that Rihanna has herpes.  She also has taken to defending Chris Brown:

“NOTE TO CHRIS BROWN: I honestly think that you have paid your dues, and I’m definitely on TEAM CHRIS NOW! GO CHRIS! YOU CAN MAKE YOUR COMEBACK AND I FULLY SUPPORT YOU! You have admitted to what you did, and apologized numerous times, You have learned from your mistakes and I think people should really leave that in the past now and let you do your thing. TEAM CHRIS! Love ya baby! And Im glad we squased that beef we had! Love ya!”

Some shit went down recently between Tequila and Rihanna.  I don’t know what it is.  I don’t care what it is.   Apparently Rihanna said some shit about Tila Tequila when she was interviewed for Big Boy’s Neighborhood, LA-based Power 106’s morning show.  The video (which I haven’t watched because zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz) is posted after the jump.

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Continues to suck.

Sam Tanenhaus’s review of Sarah Palin’s book Going Rogue is worth a read.  Buried in his review in the New Yorker (soooooo deliciously elitist), one can find this crispy fried morsel of WTF:

Palin, though notoriously ill-travelled outside the United States, did journey far to the first of the four colleges she attended, in Hawaii. She and a friend who went with her lasted only one semester. “Hawaii was a little too perfect,” Palin writes. “Perpetual sunshine isn’t necessarily conducive to serious academics for eighteen-year-old Alaska girls.” Perhaps not. But Palin’s father, Chuck Heath, gave a different account to [Scott] Conroy and [Shushannah] Walshe [authors of 'Sarah From Alaska']. According to him, the presence of so many Asians and Pacific Islanders made her uncomfortable: “They were a minority type thing and it wasn’t glamorous, so she came home.”

Words can’t describe the degree to which this woman chaps my ass.

Evidence suggests he’s a flawed human…

What?!?

And all this time, I thought he was the final Cylon.

Turns out, he’s just a man with a chronic need for trashy women.

Perhaps even worse than cheating on your spouse is cheating with someone (Jaimee Grubbs) best known for appearing on VH1’s Tool Academy.

‘Cause that screams klassy.

Fortunately for Woods, if his wife does decide to file for divorce, Florida’s a no-fault state.  Score!

Wearing black pajamas does not give you ninja powers

Some people have no damn sense. Let’s visit Seattle today. On Monday night the police were looking for an assault suspect when they happened upon an interesting scene. What did they find you ask? A man that had been impaled on a fence. How did this man end up on that fence? He thought he was a ninja and decided to use his ninja jumping powers to leap over the fence. As you may have figured out, his ninja powers are weak. The would be ninja was taken to the hospital were he is listed in serious condition.

Listen people, if you were not trained by a real ninja then you are not a ninja. I don’t care how many ninja movies you’ve watched or how many times you’ve practiced your ninja moves in your garage, you’re not a ninja. Just stop it. It’s not going to make people think you’re cool and you’re not going to get any sort of street cred. Somebody should have told this dude these things. If his friends had just sat him down and said, “dude, you’re not a ninja. In fact, everybody thinks you’re kind of a doosh for pretending to be one.” maybe he wouldn’t be in the hospital. His friends are assholes for not telling him these things.

It’s Al ‘WEATHERMAN’ Roker

So Heidi and the A-Hole were scheduled to appear on the Today Show on Monday to promote their new book. Yes, you read that right. These two have a book. It’s called How to Be Famous: Our Guide to Looking the Part, Playing the Press and Becoming a Tabloid Fixture. Apparently you can have your own book even if you have never read one before.

For some reason Dumb and Dumber got bumped from the show. I’d like to think Al had better things to do with his time, like take a really epic dump. Well that got Spencer’s panties in a twist so he did what he does best. He took to Twitter and made an ass out of himself.

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It’s just too easy.

Carrie Prejean is dumb as hell, y’all.  First, she accused Larry King of “being extremely inappropriate” after King asked her why she settled.  Whether or not Larry King is a journalist is up for debate.  Hell, whether or not Larry King is still alive is up for debate.  But what is undebatable is that Carrie Prejean is an idiot.

First, she attempted but failed to storm off Larry King’s show.  So she took off her mic (right when Larry took a call from a man in Michigan asking her a non-sex tape related question) and then just sat there smiling and talking to someone off camera.  When asked whether or not she could hear Larry, she answered “No, I can’t hear you.”  DUMB.

Then she canceled an appearance at the Capitol City Club–a Republicans only event–where she was slated to give a speech.  She canceled five minutes prior to her appearance because, apparently, she was afraid of being asked questions about the sex tape.  And, she was afraid of being asked about the latest allegations that she called up the ex-boyfriend for whom she made the sex tape and asked him to LIE and support her (false?) claim that she made the solo sex tape when she was 17 and not two years ago.  Her ex has called bullshit and told TMZ that she made the tape two years ago when she was 20.  If the claim turns out to be true, then her mea culpa that it was a mistake that she made when she was 17 and too stupid to know any better is a bald-faced lie:

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If Some Creepy Dude Felt Your Boobs and Told You to Get a Boob Job, Would You Get A Boob Job? Yeah. Me Neither.

Carrie Prejean is really laying it on thick, Alan Thicke-style.  Who can blame her, really? Ever since the controversy regarding her comments about same sex marriage, she has proven time and time again that she, at best, has extremely poor judgment, and at worst is a total idiot.  Let’s recount, shall we?

1. Ign’ant comments about gay versus “opposite marriage.” Cruise knows she has the right to say whatever she wants.  And Cruise also knows that I have the right to call her an ign’ant foolio.

2. Nude photos and faux outrage at the illicit “between shots” photos of her Tune in Tokyos which the dastardly sneaky bastardly photographer released.

3. Lying about the nude photos-turned out she posed for them.  Duh.  (Hey, I have no problems with nude photos or people who pose for them.  But with Carrie, it’s hard to deny that she has a serious glass house/stone problem.)

4. Losing her Miss California crown and blaming it on les gays and decrying it as revenge for her dumbass comments at the Miss USA Pageant when, in fact, she wasn’t adhering to her Miss California contract which required her to make certain public appearances.

5. Thinking that freedom of speech protects her against people who call her an ign’ant foolio in a public forum.

6. Forcing KeeblerKahn to reduce his bag of Bag of Douche awards by one Bag of Douche award.

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But not vain enough to fix their teeth.

I have this theory: Brits are attention whores - even more so than Americans.  In fact, I would argue that our obsession with Celebrity Culture and reality t.v. are largely exported or modeled from our well-spoken brethren.  English tabloids and paparazzi have, for years, been operating at a level of voracity and ballsyness that our home-grown photogs only wish they could approximate.  Hell, even Paris Hilton is a cheap copy of tabloid ladies of the English variety.  And we don’t even have a Jordan!  I now have a sub-point to my “Brits are attention whores” theory - they are also incredibly vain.

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