Last Friday Was “National Pro-Life Cupcake Day.”

That’s fine. I would rather be offered a cupcake from an insane zealot than, say, be shrieked at by insane zealots carrying grotesque signs whenever I go to my gyno for a pap smear. Truthfully, though, I don’t especially like cupcakes so I would’ve likely yelled “THEY SMELL REALLY GOOD BUT THE TASTE IS ALWAYS A DISAPPOINTMENT!!! THANK YOU ANYWAY!! KEEP YOUR GODDAMN CUPCAKES OUT OF MY UTERUS!!!” at them if I’d been offered one.

Since the pro-life community were nice enough to offer foodstuffs, I propose that we plan a National Pro-Choice Something Day (to those of you who are pro-choice. The rest of you already had your cupcake fun!) Cupcakes are clearly out of the question; they’ve already been taken. Plus, Mae will just throw them on the ground and stomp on their cupcake faces while screaming “YOU KNOW WHY!” I’m thinking more along the lines of something savory, like mini quiche lorraine tartlets, or little pot pies. Maybe little plates of pasta carbonara. We’ll put cute lil’ “no coat hangers” images and sayings on them - written in bacon bits -  such as “I support a woman’s right to choose,” “Pro-Child AND Pro-Choice,” and “I was gang-raped by my dad’s buddies and now I’m a terrified knocked up sixth-grader.” You know. Innocuous stuff. Keep it light, I say!

Mae will send you back to hell!

Oh no they didn’t! Somebody got the bright idea to make a giant cupcake to compete with Mae in Thunderdome. This baked good full of pure evil weighs in at 1,224 pounds and is topped with pink frosty hatred. Manchester, N.H. better watch it’s back because we’re sending Mae over there to destroy this 2 million calorie hussy.

Truly, Madly, Deeply

Cupcakes. I hate them more than anything ever created. I hate them more than pollution, traffic jams, Rosie O’ Donnell, even more than the New York Yankees. They are my arch nemeses. Now you may be wondering, “Why Mae? How can you not love cupcakes? They’re gooey, cute and sweet confectionary goodness.” Well, that’s why I hate them.

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A Dae Without Cupcakes 

Today is our beloved Mae’s birthdae.  Everybody say Happy Birthdae, Mae!

I’ll wait.

::elevator music::

As you all know, our dear Mae hates many things: Cupcakes, stupid people, and karaoke, just to name a few.  But Mae loves stuff too, and it is the objects of her love as well as the objects of her hate that make Mae one of the most amazing people that we’ve ever had the fortune to call a friend.  If you ever need a person to talk to at 4 in the morning, Mae is there.  If you have a problem, Mae has a solution.  If you need to unlock a door, Mae has the key.  If you need to breakdance, Mae has cardboard.  If you need to fight Rosie O’Donnell in the Applebee’s parking lot, Mae has a brick. If you need someone to have your back, Mae’s behind you. If you need to dispose of a body, Mae has a plan and a car with an unusually large trunk.

In celebration of Mae’s Dae, we at Thundersquee! are placing a moratorium on all things cupcakes.  So yeah, put that cupcake down.  PUT.IT.DOWN.  There will be no cupcake eating todae.  Nae!  Any citizen of the People’s Republic of Thundersquee! found eating a cupcake on this holiest of daes will meet the Hags in the Applebee’s parking lot whereupon his or her face will meet the business end of a Thundersquee! brand brick.  The only exception is a space cupcake: because SPACE CUPCAKES KILL!!!

So, on that note, come take a journey with us as we recount:

20 Things that Mae Loves

1. The Detroit Red Wings

2. Her dogs Max and Angie  (a.k.a. her kryptonite)

3. The Dudes:

i) The Dude (#1) is her father’s dog who likes to gnaw on her toes and underwear, but Mae loves The Dude nonetheless.

ii) The Dude (#2) is El Duderino from The Big Lebowski, which Mae lub lub lubs.

4. Arby’s Big Beef and Cheddar –”Gotta get your hands on one,” Mae often cries.

5. The Detroit Tigers

6. Hammer pants

7. Doing the robot (especially with one arm)

8. PG Tips

9. Better Off Dead

10. True Blood

11. Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush

12. Jet boats (aka-go fast boats.)  One day she will buy a jet boat and name it “Suck My Wake.”

13. Chick Lit (e.g., Bridget Jones’ Diary)

14. Esquire magazine

15. Amelie

16. Trivia

17. Golf (but not putt-putt; Mae hates putt-putt)

18.  Long drives

19.  Word play

20. Stomping cupcakes

BONUS: Lamp. Mae loves Lamp.

So there you have it.  The softer side of Mae.  She’s a great friend, a great person, and we’re  lucky to have met her.  She has gotten us through good times and bad times, and for that we will always buttcone her. 

The Universe Doesn’t Want Me to Exercise

I loathe exercise y’all.  I hate it more than Mae hates cupcakes.  I’ve been a member of a gym for two years now, and I can count on two hands the number of times I’ve actually gone.

I just don’t like it.  The smells.  The sweatiness.  The damp air. The sight of all those people pulling, lifting, stepping, biking, and running.  It’s exhausting just watching them.

It’s the biking and the running that gets me the most.  The people on those machines are so determined.  Pushing themselves as hard as they can.  You can practically hear their inner monologue: “Just one more mile, come on, you can do it!!”

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Cupcakes Edition

Cupcakes. I hate them more than anything ever created. I hate them more than pollution, traffic jams, Rosie O’ Donnell, even more than the New York Yankees.  They are my arch nemeses. Now you may be wondering, “Why Mae? How can you not love cupcakes? They’re gooey, cute and sweet confectionary goodness.” Well, that’s why I hate them.

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Jessica Simpson Ain’t Fat—She Just Gets Dressed in the Dark

E! Television is criticizing Jessica Simpson for her new “beefed up bod.”  First, awesome alliteration aside, this phrase “beefed up”— I do not think it means what you think it means.

Second? Jessica Simpson is a lot of things–vacuous, a painfully bad actress, tragic in a spectacularly Shakespearean manner–but fat is not one of them.  I mean, damn, yo!  E! Television can’t be running out of fodder for its criticisms, so what happened?   Has the mind-numbing stupidity of Debbie Matenopoulos gone viral, barreling unchecked through the E! Television newsroom like Rosie O’Donnell through a cupcake store? (more…)

LET HIM HAVE THE CUPCAKE, YOU SELF-APPOINTED CUPCAKE DICTATOR!!