Because you can’t be good all the time.

Super Hypocrite to the rescue!

Listen, I try to be a good feminist, I really do.  But some people bring out the worst in me.  Case in point, Carrie Prejean.  Her name alone turns me into a possessed demon, fond of swearing.  As an aside, I pronounce her name so it rhymes with pre-teen.  It makes her sound like a Sweet Valley High character.  Anyway, since all logic is clearly lost on her, I find the little Lisa(#1) in my head stroking her goatee and saying, “Come on, give in and call her a slut-faced, whore-job who only hates gay marriage because then she is guaranteed to be the hottest conservative in the room.”  Sigh.  Little Lisa(#1) is so damned inappropriate.  HOWEVER, what am I supposed to do when Prejean seems to WANT to be insulted.  Case in point, Prejan’s book title, “Still Standing” - it just makes me want to cast aspersions on her chastity.  Coochie-zingers, if you will.

• You should be, after spending so much time on your back.
• I am likewise surprised your Ms. Universe boobies haven’t topped you over.
• Really?  That is surprising after 7 or so sex tapes.
• Well then, you fucking idiot, sit the hell down.

Ugh.  And yet, I don’t feel bad.  Maybe because she is writing a book about a little media hubub (the level of which LiLo sees daily) and calling it “Still Standing” as if she has DONE something HARD (Well, she did in that one tape.  Bad, Lisa!) or survived an epic ordeal.  So anyway, I am a bad person, blah, blah, blah.

Haiku Edition

How’d it go so wrong
Pimped by my parents for fame
I’m a cautionary tale

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Linky-loos you can use.

Kristen Stewart has been looking pretty good these days.  How do I know?  She gave Lainey a vaginal hard-on.  Lainey Gossip.

Kate Moss is a noob.  Apparently she’s got loads of personal mottos, one of which is “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.’” You know what skinny feels like?  Being high on teh cocaine.  D Listed.

Will someone… ANYONE… make this dumbass bowl of stupid STFU?  Celebitchy.

What do Harry Potter and Michael Phelps have in common?  Besides both having gills (I know you bitches saw Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.)  Well you know what else they have in common?  They love the ganja.  Daniel Radcliffe, after toking on a joint, was heard to yell out as he left a party: “I LOVE WEEEEEEED!” Yawn!  Who cares.  He’s what, twenty now?  That’s about the time the kids behold the glory of weed.  (Sometimes it’s a little earlier.  I’m not speaking from personal experience or anything.  No way.  Of course not.)  I Don’t Like You in that Way.

What’s holier than one sex tape and one nude photo?  Eight sex tapes and thirty nude photos.  Her cup of stupid runneth over.  The Superficial.

Oh my stars.    Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are doin’ it, and doin’ it and doin’ it well.  Sadly, neither represents Queens nor was raised out in Brooklyn.  If you listen carefully, you can hear millions of Twihards stabbing pins in their Bella Swan dolls.  Step aside corn. You’ve been replaced.  RadarOnline.

FTW.  Regretsy.

Have a great weekend, squeeple!  And if you see some jackass with a mask and an axe standing outside your door, well, you should…um… keep drinking.

This brings the LOLZ…

…even with the inclusion of Perez Hilton.  (Hey, we can’t get everything we want, right?)

It’s just too easy.

Carrie Prejean is dumb as hell, y’all.  First, she accused Larry King of “being extremely inappropriate” after King asked her why she settled.  Whether or not Larry King is a journalist is up for debate.  Hell, whether or not Larry King is still alive is up for debate.  But what is undebatable is that Carrie Prejean is an idiot.

First, she attempted but failed to storm off Larry King’s show.  So she took off her mic (right when Larry took a call from a man in Michigan asking her a non-sex tape related question) and then just sat there smiling and talking to someone off camera.  When asked whether or not she could hear Larry, she answered “No, I can’t hear you.”  DUMB.

Then she canceled an appearance at the Capitol City Club–a Republicans only event–where she was slated to give a speech.  She canceled five minutes prior to her appearance because, apparently, she was afraid of being asked questions about the sex tape.  And, she was afraid of being asked about the latest allegations that she called up the ex-boyfriend for whom she made the sex tape and asked him to LIE and support her (false?) claim that she made the solo sex tape when she was 17 and not two years ago.  Her ex has called bullshit and told TMZ that she made the tape two years ago when she was 20.  If the claim turns out to be true, then her mea culpa that it was a mistake that she made when she was 17 and too stupid to know any better is a bald-faced lie:

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Carrie Prejean tries to storm off Larry King Live, but instead takes her mic off and just sits there looking stupid.

Also?  Inappropriate Larry King Live FTW.

If Some Creepy Dude Felt Your Boobs and Told You to Get a Boob Job, Would You Get A Boob Job? Yeah. Me Neither.

Carrie Prejean is really laying it on thick, Alan Thicke-style.  Who can blame her, really? Ever since the controversy regarding her comments about same sex marriage, she has proven time and time again that she, at best, has extremely poor judgment, and at worst is a total idiot.  Let’s recount, shall we?

1. Ign’ant comments about gay versus “opposite marriage.” Cruise knows she has the right to say whatever she wants.  And Cruise also knows that I have the right to call her an ign’ant foolio.

2. Nude photos and faux outrage at the illicit “between shots” photos of her Tune in Tokyos which the dastardly sneaky bastardly photographer released.

3. Lying about the nude photos-turned out she posed for them.  Duh.  (Hey, I have no problems with nude photos or people who pose for them.  But with Carrie, it’s hard to deny that she has a serious glass house/stone problem.)

4. Losing her Miss California crown and blaming it on les gays and decrying it as revenge for her dumbass comments at the Miss USA Pageant when, in fact, she wasn’t adhering to her Miss California contract which required her to make certain public appearances.

5. Thinking that freedom of speech protects her against people who call her an ign’ant foolio in a public forum.

6. Forcing KeeblerKahn to reduce his bag of Bag of Douche awards by one Bag of Douche award.

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Linky-loos you can use.

According to Carrie Prejean, the world’s biggest idiot, being “homophobic” means being fearful of men.  Oh, and if she’s a bigot then the President is one too.  Oh and there’s a campaign to silence her.  Um, no.  There’s a campaign for you to stop martyring yourself and embrace your inner whore.  Celebitchy.

We have a talented deviant artist in our midst.  I’m looking at you, potato_sensei.  Deviant Art.

Interested in buying the best t shirts ever?  We have a couple talented t shirt purveyors in our midst.  The shirts are designed by syndeypup and the business is managed by ramy.  You’re gonna wanna stick your arms in these shirts.  Plus they’re eco-friendly– made out of tofu, bamboo, soy milk, and unicorn tears.  Parker and Stella.

Werewolves, and sparkly vampires, and subservient women, oh my!  Seriously Bella and Edward?  Just have sex already so the world can get over this Twilight craze.  P.S.  I’m totes on Team Jacob.  But cornfucker R. Pattz is hot and broody.  His corn is too broodylicious for ya, babe.  Daily Beast

No. No.  Pursing your lips for a picture does not make you look hot.  It makes you look like a duck that just pooped its pants.  Stop making that duckface!

I’ve always loved Meryl Streep.  I mean for serious.  How can you not?  She’s Meryl fucking Streep!  Well you know who hates Meryl Streep?  My mother.  Hates her like I hate Andie MacDowell.  There’s tension over the holidays because of it.  My mom always wants to watch Four Weddings and A Funeral.  I always want to watch Adaptation.  In the end, we just watch Ratatouille.  OK fine, I just made that story up–except I do hate Andie Macdowell and my mother does hate Meryl Streep.  So…. Lainey Gossip.

Tracy Morgan scared the bejeesus out of some audience members who expected to see more “Jordan” than “Morgan.” D Listed.

Eva Mendes is hot.  And she also has nipples.  Shocking!  Egotastic.

Amy Winehouse is going Kim Kardashian on our asses.  First stop?  Boob job.  Next stop?  Butt implants.  When will she realize that the only stop she should ever make is at Rehab?  Stop saying “no, no, no” and start saying “Yes I can (stop smoking crack)!”.  D Listed.

Morrissey is acting like a big crybaby again.  Agent Bedhead.

Keep fuckin’ that chicken, squeeps!

Linky-loos you can use.

Oh mah gah, oh mah gah, oh mah gah!!  Will Smith has signed on to remake Flowers for Algernon.  Flowers for fuckin’ Algernon!  Brilliant!  Amazing!  I love me some Will Smith.  He’s a damn good actor.  Holy shnikeys!  This is exciting biznass.  Although, they better not kill any dogs in this one.  I don’t want to be watching I Am Legend 2 Electric Boogaloo: Flowers for Old Yeller.  Pajiba.

Not all black singers are rappers.  Except Billie Holliday.  She was totes a rapper.   And I sing in the shower.  Which makes me a rapper.  Just call me Young Stopthemeezy.  FourFour.

Don’t call your mom an “aggro bitch” on Facebook.  She brought you into this world and she’ll take you out, Claire Huxtable-style.  Lamebook.

James Gandolfini will bust a cap in yo’ ass.  Soprano-style.  Hey, How you doin’?  KAKOW!  I Don’t Like You In That Way.

Fashion for Tetris lady-nerds.  Killer.  Because Tetris hallucinations aren’t maddening enough.  Young Professional and Bored.

The gayest video ever.  (Not my words.  The words of a gay Australian.)  Funk Jelly.

The nine most racist Disney characters. (It’s an oldie, but goodie.)  Cracked.

Hypocrite, party of doosh!  Wittle Cawwie Pwejean just can’t catch a break.  First the “oh noes! the wind blew my top off” nude photos. And then the “Wait a second, is that video camera filming me getting cornholed by [fill in the blank]?  Do I look okay?  You know how the camera adds 10 pounds.” And now in her new book she rails against the evils of pornography: “Our bodies are temples of the Lord. We should earn respect and admiration for our hearts, not for showing skin to look sexy … I have since learned that your outer beauty can only get you so far in life.” Yes, Carrie. Your body is a temple… for teenagers to jizz on.  Hey-oh!  Jesus is proud.  Celebitchy.

As my good friend and squeeperson justinsloe said: “Sammy Sosa has tested positive for being white.” [That deserves an "lol" and Cruise knows I hate "lol."  I don't mind "LOL" though.  If you're going to "lol", might as well go big.]  USA Today.

And that, squeeps, is how it is.

The walking bag of silicone and hypocrisy has a sex tape

It seems TMZ has a sex tape of Carrie Prejean so nasty and perverted that it can’t be released to the public. They claim that Carrie has a promising solo career. Apparently after being shown a few seconds of the tape she agreed to drop her lawsuit with the Miss California USA Pageant.

According to our own Ms. Madness:

“I mean, who doesn’t want to watch a perfect Christian with fake hooters get cornholed by a girl with a strap-on?   I know I do.”

Personally, I bet the tape is of her jack hammering herself with a crucifix while Osama Bin Laden gives her a Jerusalem Milkshake. That is just my theory.

It’s just shocking that another good Christian has been knocked off their pedestal. I’m sure she will find a way to blame this on the gay people out to get her. Lord knows she would be a good little Christian soldier if people would just stop shining a light on her lies and sex tape.

I don’t think TMZ has a tape. If they did they would release it. Lets face it, nothing is too out there when it comes to the internet.  Unless the other girl cornholing her in Ms. Madness’s scenario is Heidi Montag or Britney Spears, it’s nothing that hasn’t already been seen online.

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Linky-loos you can use.

Maine repealed its same sex marriage law by a narrow margin yesterday.  And let me tell you; Sarah’s vagina is angry about it. If you want to avoid her labial wrath, here’s a guide to what’s good for you: Five Movies That Might Encourage Narrow-Minded Assholes to Vote for Same Sex Marriage. Pajiba.

Hey, Dallas cheerleader-lady?  It’s never a good idea to dress up in blackface for Halloween.  Unless you’re a dude dressing up like a dude playing the dude disguised as another dude.  Now that would be meta.  But you probably don’t know what meta means.  Deadspin.

The world according to Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-NC): The only thing we have to fear is… the health care reform bill.  That shit is scarier than terrorism.  (Her words, not mine.)  America Blog.

Nicole Kidman claims to be in to kinky sex.  Since she was married to Tom Cruise for ten years, and Keith Urban for the past three, I’d say she’s a gottdamn liar.  Unless by “kinky sex” means “heavy botox.”  Lainey Gossip.

Dooshtastic Father of the Year, Michael Lohan released taped phone conversations with his daughter, Lindsay during which she sobs: “No one cares about me. They don’t, by the way. It’s about how they feel, not how I feel. It’s not about me. It’s never been about me, unless I fight for it.” Oh Linds.  I’m still pulling for you. But your knee pad leggings aren’t helping.  I’m jus’ sayin’.  D Listed.

Miss Thang, Carrie Prejean settled her lawsuit with the pageantry peeps because she was afeared that her  sex tape would be released.  TMZ has thus far refused, claiming the shit is naaaaaaaaasty.  Oh, TMZ!  You’re so virtuous.  You are the standard by which all other celebrity gossip rags should be measured.  Now give me the damn Carrie Prejean sex tape, or the bunny gets it.  And please oh please let there be some hypocritical sapphic action all up in there.  Remember when she said this: “I am a Christian, and I am a model. Models pose for pictures, including lingerie and swimwear photos.” My how the pious whore has fallen.  I mean, who doesn’t want to watch a perfect Christian with fake hooters get cornholed by a girl with a strap-on?   I know I do.  Gawker.

Facebook, you’re pissing me off.  Quit suggesting friends to me!  Quit suggesting that I suggest friends to other people!  Quit suggesting I “catch up” with some motherfucker who I’m probably ignoring on purpose!  YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD, FACEBOOK!  Tremendous News.

And that, squeeps, is how it is.

Mess with us and we’ll send you a bill for your boobs

You guys remember Carrie Prejean right? She’s the idiot from California that was in a beauty pageant. You know, the one who doesn’t think gay people should get married. I know, it’s a bit fuzzy because it happened so long ago. Well, it seems Carrie and the pageant officials are still at war with each other. Now the pageant officials want Carrie to pay for the boobs they bought for her.  This is the most epic battle of our time. The rest of us have moved on but these idiots are fighting over fake boobs now. As I said earlier, stupid people make me sad. Can we please wipe Carrie from our memory now?

Christ. Why won’t she just go away?

Carrie Prejean has been making the rounds on talk shows claiming the REAL reason she lost her crown was because of her beliefs against gay marriage. According to her, she was set up. According to the Miss California USA organization, she’s full of crap.

Here is Prejean on the Today Show digging herself into a even deeper hole.

The Miss California USA organization has sent Carrie Prejean a formal demand letter, insisting she “recant” what they claim are “falsities” she has made in the media in recent days.

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I love that headline more then I really should

The only thing that could make that headline better was if she had to drop out because she was actually competing in the Special Olympics and was caught using steroids.

The former Miss California was supposed to be there in the role of Miss California but since the Donald kicked her ass to the curb and took her sash and crown, she has decided to stay away.

Tami Farrell, the new Miss California, will be stepping in and representing the Miss California organization at the event. Prejean was going to volunteer at the event anyway, something she had done in the past, but has decided against it so as not to make things uncomfortable.

Carrie Prejean will undoubtedly be appearing on some talk show in the next week blaming this on the gay conspiracy that is out to get her.

I have six words for Carrie Prejean:

Prejean is the third person to receive the Bag of Douche Award. Carrie joins Kanye West and Mariah Carey in this exclusive club.

Source.

Don’t Let the Door Hit Your Dumbass on the Way Out

Well, well, well.  What do we have here?  Carrie Prejean done finally lost her crown:

“‘This was a decision based solely on contract violations, including Ms. Prejean’s unwillingness to make appearances on behalf of the Miss California USA organization,’ the California pageant’s executive director, Keith Lewis, said in a statement.”

Carrie is blaming it on the gays.  Of course she is: “It’s just because of my answer, I think,” Prejean said. “None of this would be happening right now if I just said, ‘Yeah, gays should get married.’”

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The world rejoices

San Diego Vista Unified School District considered making June 1st Carrie Prejean Day. Thankfully, the school board decided against it. School Board Vice President, Steve Lily had this to say:

“The district had never honored a former student and didn’t want to start with someone who had breast implants, posed semi-nude and whose goal was to be a Victoria’s Secret model.”

I could sum up my feeling on this in two simple words:

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This Just In: People Are Idiots

You know what? I’ve had it up to HERE (::lifts arm as high as she can which, sadly, is not very high as Angry Black Lady is practically a midget–sorry–little person::) with morons, idiots, and douchebags.

Idiocy is running rampant among the American population. Forget about swine flu. The worst that swine flu can do is kill you. Idiocy, on the other hand, is a seemingly airborne virus that is spreading from person to person, turning each of those persons into a moron, each more moronic than the last. Idiocy isn’t a disease that kills. Sadly, no. It is a disease that turns a nation of formerly intelligent individuals into a multiplying mass of moronic mouth-breathers.

Now what form of idiocy is most distressing to Angry Black Lady right now?

The idiots who throw around the term “freedom of speech” and “First Amendment” without having a clue what the fuck it is they are talking about.

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Carrie Prejean keeps her crown

Last week, Donald Trump decided to let Miss California Carrie Prejean keep her crown, despite the new topless photos which were recently released.  The Donald had the following to say on the matter:

“Carrie will remain Miss California. We reviewed the pictures very carefully. We are in the 21st century. … Carrie’s a model, she’s very successful. We have determined that the pictures taken are fine. So we’ve made a determination that everything we’ve seen to this date that she’s done. Some were beautiful, some were risqué. We’re in the 21-century. We’ve determined the pictures taken were acceptable, fine, and in many cases they were very lovely pictures.”

Photographer Dominic Petruzzi took the newly-released photos. Prejean claims that the photos which exposed her breasts were taken between the real shot she was posing for, and that it was the wind’s fault that her lady humps were exposed. She claims to be appalled that the photographer violated her trust and released the images.

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It’s not easy work oppressing people

This is furthering my career, but you're not a person to me.

Carrie Prejean has got herself in a bit of a situation. Half a dozen racy photos of her are up for grabs to the highest bidder. The web site thedirty.com have leaked the first of the six photos (Click here to see photo). Prejean claims that the photos are part of a gay conspiracy to smear her good name. She also claims that the photos were taken when she was seventeen. What is the difference between child pornography and modeling? Anyone…anyone? Bueller…Bueller?  More on that later.

Prejean released a statement about the photos.

“I am a Christian, and I am a model. Models pose for pictures, including lingerie and swimwear photos. Recently, photos taken of me as a teenager have been released surreptitiously to a tabloid Web site that openly mocks me for my Christian faith. I am not perfect, and I will never claim to be.”

“We live in a great country; a nation that was built on freedom of speech and freedom of religion,” she said in the statement. “Yet my comments defending traditional marriage have led to intimidation tactics that seek to undermine my reputation and somehow silence me and my beliefs, as if opinion is only a one-way street.”

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Carrie Prejean joins the fight against gay marriage

Miss California, Carrie Prejean, stopped by The Today Show to talk to Matt Lauer and announce she’ll be joining the National Organization for Marriage and their “Gathering Storm” in Washington to campaign against gay marriage.

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