Linky-loos you can use.

The man responsible for all of Michael Jackson’s fuckeduppedness (what, it’s a word!) is really itching to get his hands on MJ’s estate.   Joe Jackson is approximately one unit dooshier than Jon Gosselin.  D Listed.

Some adult filmmaker dooshbag is planning to make a movie about the kidnap, rape, and 18 year long captivity of Jaycee Dugard.   First, sports dooshbags mocking  her, and now this?  Shane Ryan, the doosh in question is currently filming Abducted Girl: An American Sex Slave. Sarah’s vagina is pissed, y’all.  Mercury News.

Rosie and Natasha.  Oh my heck.  These are some of the scariest photos ever to be burned into my eyeholes.  D Listed.

Angelina Jolie’s face is blowing up the Internet.  Who is Salt?  And more importantly, is she Sea or Kosher?  Defamer.

Lindsay Lohan freaked the fuck out last night at an opening for Pascal Mouawad’s new watch line at Kitson in Los Angeles.  Apparently Pascal said she could have $500 worth of free shit.  Lindsay ran around the store stuffing goodies into her nether regions and tried to walk out with $15,000 worth of free shit.  When she was told to slow her roll, Lindsay had a temper tantrum.   Ultimately, she was permitted to walk away with $2,000 worth of free shit.  Ding dang, y’all.  I live ten minutes from Kitson, and honestly, squeeps, I don’t get what the big deal is.  They sell crap, crap, and more crap.  To Lindsay’s credit, $2,000 worth of free crap from Kitson probably amounts to a t shirt and one sock, and, dagnabbit, she knows her crazy ass is worth at least a complete pair of socks.  Celebitchy.

Chris friggin’ Brown.  You are outdooshing both Joe Jackson AND Jon Gosselin.  Now make like Joey Gladstone and Cut.It.Out.  Celebitchy.

Any Ryan Reynolds news is good Ryan Reynolds news.  Even when it’s potentially bad Ryan Reynolds news.  Pajiba.

Rihanna is a hot drunk mess.  Judge not lest ye be Judge Judy.  Bossip.

Are you ready to break up with Obama?  It’s been ten months.  His “First Hundred Days” have come and gone.  One blogger explains why she’s still in love.  Fierce and Nerdy.

That’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout, squeepersons!

Also, It Makes You Smell Really, Really Bad.

Vaibhav Bedi has been using Axe Body Spray for seven years, thinking “any minute now, throngs of models in the throes of spontaneous orgasm brought on by my scent are going to launch themselves at me and offer me some boob. And maybe one of them will want a relationship with me, even!”  Well, Vaibhav Bedi thought wrong.

Why is Vaibhav Bedi angry about this?

The company cheated me. It says women will be attracted to you if you use Axe. I used it for seven years but no girl came to me.

Not only was he never once accosted by hordes of beautiful young women, but he wasn’t even offered any casual boob from random passers-by or homeless people. None. Not even one  “Jesus, alright, whatever, just leave me alone if I do it this one time” boob. IN SEVEN YEARS.

The Axe ads promised him that if he bought their douchey-smelling elixirs of douchetasticness and then applied said douchetastic elixirs onto his body, at least one girl would be so overcome by his scent that she’d have no choice but submit to him. And since ads apparently never lie in India, Vaibhav is suing Unilever (makers of said douchetastic body spray) for $40,000. Because in the seven years that he’s been dousing his body in the putrid funk that is Axe Body Spray, not one girl has thrown herself at him whilst ripping her pants off, or otherwise.

Unilever has declined to comment. Because smelling really, really bad speaks louder than words.

And Yes, My Vagina Is Predictably Angry.

This is going to be a short one. I will spare you the rageful rant that you may have been expecting - not because I’m not angry, and lawd knows not because I don’t love to rant - but because I’m so bitterly disappointed in my beloved home state that I can barely stand to talk about it anymore. I started ranting last night, continued ranting until the wee hours of this morn, had ranty dreams while I slept, and woke up feeling exhausted and heartbroken. I have a huge amount of respect for the people who are trying to see the “bright side” in all this by pointing out that while the vote was defeated, it was a close one at 53% to 47%. I admire optimism, despite my penchant for rage. But the bottom line is that 47% wasn’t good enough, and that makes me so sad. In my heart AND in my pants.

In case you missed the link in stm’s last post, here’s Pajiba’s brilliant take.

Linky-loos you can use.

Maine repealed its same sex marriage law by a narrow margin yesterday.  And let me tell you; Sarah’s vagina is angry about it. If you want to avoid her labial wrath, here’s a guide to what’s good for you: Five Movies That Might Encourage Narrow-Minded Assholes to Vote for Same Sex Marriage. Pajiba.

Hey, Dallas cheerleader-lady?  It’s never a good idea to dress up in blackface for Halloween.  Unless you’re a dude dressing up like a dude playing the dude disguised as another dude.  Now that would be meta.  But you probably don’t know what meta means.  Deadspin.

The world according to Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-NC): The only thing we have to fear is… the health care reform bill.  That shit is scarier than terrorism.  (Her words, not mine.)  America Blog.

Nicole Kidman claims to be in to kinky sex.  Since she was married to Tom Cruise for ten years, and Keith Urban for the past three, I’d say she’s a gottdamn liar.  Unless by “kinky sex” means “heavy botox.”  Lainey Gossip.

Dooshtastic Father of the Year, Michael Lohan released taped phone conversations with his daughter, Lindsay during which she sobs: “No one cares about me. They don’t, by the way. It’s about how they feel, not how I feel. It’s not about me. It’s never been about me, unless I fight for it.” Oh Linds.  I’m still pulling for you. But your knee pad leggings aren’t helping.  I’m jus’ sayin’.  D Listed.

Miss Thang, Carrie Prejean settled her lawsuit with the pageantry peeps because she was afeared that her  sex tape would be released.  TMZ has thus far refused, claiming the shit is naaaaaaaaasty.  Oh, TMZ!  You’re so virtuous.  You are the standard by which all other celebrity gossip rags should be measured.  Now give me the damn Carrie Prejean sex tape, or the bunny gets it.  And please oh please let there be some hypocritical sapphic action all up in there.  Remember when she said this: “I am a Christian, and I am a model. Models pose for pictures, including lingerie and swimwear photos.” My how the pious whore has fallen.  I mean, who doesn’t want to watch a perfect Christian with fake hooters get cornholed by a girl with a strap-on?   I know I do.  Gawker.

Facebook, you’re pissing me off.  Quit suggesting friends to me!  Quit suggesting that I suggest friends to other people!  Quit suggesting I “catch up” with some motherfucker who I’m probably ignoring on purpose!  YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD, FACEBOOK!  Tremendous News.

And that, squeeps, is how it is.

Or Would Have, If She Weren’t Bound And Gagged.

Remember when the most offensive T-Shirts featured big pimpin’, gross jokes involving farts, and “I’m With Stupid” with an arrow pointed toward the unsuspecting person on your right? Well, now we have the Love Hurts T-Shirt, brought to you by the fine people at Digital Gravel. I understand that there’s a whole great big wacky fun-and-pain-with-safe-words! SM community out there, and that’s cool. There are fetishists of all types, and I’ll be the first to raise my hand and holler that I love me some Dita Von Teese (who, sadly, appears here. She’s done some fetish work, that apparently is licensed - hence, her image on this T-shirt) - she’s an amazing dancer, and she’s gorgeous to boot. But I can’t help wondering: are the SM/Fetish community - or even the “we like pinups, because we’re all retro like that” people - the ones buying this nearly sold-out T-Shirt?

Because I kind of doubt it.

Word to the wise: if you see someone wearing this, make sure your shiv is sharpened, your brick in hand, and your nut-punching skills honed.

You Just HAD To Top Lagerfeld, Didn’t You.

At this rate my vagina is going to have to start outsourcing some beat-downs, y’all!

Shoe designer Christian Louboutin is designing three new Barbie dolls in honor of her 50th anniversary, but he’s making them thinner than the standard Barbie - whom he believes is a heifer with fat legs and cankles.

A Louboutin spokeswoman said [about the dolls]: “They’re completely wild and even come with mini Louboutin boxes for the shoes,” but added that the designer “found her ankles were too fat.”

Even Barbie can’t live up to the ridiculous standards being set by fashion designers, you guys! Somehow I find this both outrageous AND hilarious. It’s so silly I almost feel like it’s a waste of my vagina’s time and energy. Then again, it’s already going after Lagerfeld, who probably hangs out with Louboutin, so you know. Two birds, one vagina.

“HE WAS WARNED.” - Sarah’s Vagina

Karl Lagerfeld, I don’t think you understand. My vagina has a mind of her own. She cannot be controlled. You see, the warning you were given a couple of months ago was a mercy that few are lucky enough to get. My vagina doesn’t give a fuck about fashion (oh, if I had a Chanel dress for every time we’ve argued bitterly about it… well, I’d be selling them on eBay and eating a WHOLE lot better, for one) but since I do, my vagina was willing to compromise. ONCE.

My vagina heard what you recently said about the popular German women’s magazine Brigitte’s recent decision to stop using professional models in their fashion editorials, opting instead to use “real” women to reconnect with their readers:

Lagerfeld, who has subjected himself to a rigorous slimming schedule, described the magazine’s decision as absurd and said it had fallen victim to overweight women. The 71-year-old designer added: “Nobody wants to see a round woman.”

“You’ve got fat mothers with their bags of chips sitting in front of the television and saying that thin models are ugly.”

“No one wants to see curvy women,” he was quoted as saying on the website of news magazine Focus.

I’ll tell you, Karl, things aren’t looking good for you right now. I may be sitting here writing this post, but my vagina is on the phone booking a flight to Europe. And she is a fierce, stealthy huntress, Karl! - with lots of scary tricks up her… well, you know. Vagina.

It’s out of my hands now. If I were you, I would do two things.

1) Decide which of your paper fans and high-collared shirts you love the most, and pack them away. If they are on your person when my vagina finds you, they will get messed up.

2) FUCKING RUN.

And Not Just to Refill the Dispenser in the Ladies Room, Although That Would be Much Appreciated.

Last June, the Tampax people released a viral marketing campaign about a sixteen-year-old boy who wakes up one morning and finds that his boy parts have mysteriously been replaced with girl parts. Here’s an overview:

* Zack wakes up, discovers that he has a vagina.
* Zack finds that he inexplicably wants to do nice things for his sister, like let her have the bathroom first. Oh, plus brownie-making and rom-com-watching.
* Zack begins to worry about his weight. He also gets mildly angry at his douchey friend for being inconsiderate toward his feelings, causing him to worry about his new “mood swings.”
* Zack discovers that “Men are pigs.” Zack also has an epiphany during soccer practice that pranks involving pantsing teammates are stupid.
* Zack realizes during his French class that he has just gotten his first period, goes to the bathroom, stuffs a handful of toilet paper down his pants, returns to class.
*Zack discovers a few minutes later that le papier hygienique is not enough. Asks permission to go to le sanitaire again. Is mildly embarrassed.
* Zack sneaks into the girls bathroom, gets a Tampax tampon from the dispenser, expertly puts it in on the first try, and goes back to class happy.
* Zack ends his story with the following statement: “I guess it’s not the end of the world. Fifty percent of the population has a vagina, and they seem to be doing pretty well.”

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Do The Right Thing Or Prepare To Duck.

I have always liked Jennifer Aniston. Not in a way that I’ve ever spent a lot of time thinking about, but she’s always seemed genuinely likable. Plus, Brangelina really fucked her over, so she got sympathy points from me. But with her recent interviews with CNN and Harper’s Bazaar, she is sliding dangerously into my-vagina-will-throw-things-at-you territory. At worst, she blames women for the failure of their relationships because “you train your man to do nothing,” and for their “over-doting” on men - as well as these bits of anecdotal and sometimes self-contradictory nonsense:

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Why NOT Attach Their Story To That Of A Rape Victim Who’s Been Held Captive For 18 Years?

Okay. I’m SURE I don’t have to tell y’all about Jaycee Dugard and the fact that she was held captive in a series of trash-strewn tents in her captor’s backyard since age eleven for the past EIGHTEEN YEARS and in that time had two daughters by her rapist/captor, Phillip Garrido, right? And I probably also don’t have to explain how horrifying that must have been for her (AND her children,) right?
Well. The guys at the OC Register (Mark Whicker wrote it, but it had to go through a series of people before it got the thumbs-up - which, sadly, it did) thought it would be clever to use that story as a vehicle for their list entitled “Many Odd Things Have Happened In Sports the Last 18 Years.” Let the hilarity begin!

The list talks about how JayCee was deprived of high-fiving, volley-ball spiking, and smacking a forehand down the line, whatever the fuck that means.
Here’s a helpful smattering of quotes from the article, and part of “The List,” (which you can read here, in it’s entirety,):

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On His Fragile, Fragile Ego

Chris Brown says Oprah SLAPPED HIM IN THE FACE, y’all!
Well, something like that. Here’s what he really said, when asked by People Magazine about Oprah’s show on domestic abuse, inspired by Rihanna:

“I commend Oprah on being like, ‘This is a problem,’ but it was a slap in my face. I did a lot of stuff for her, like going to Africa and performing for her school. She could have been more helpful, like, ‘OK, I’m going to help both of these people out.’ “

Oprah! How could you be so spiteful, so thoughtless, so ungrateful to this young man who has DONE SO MUCH FOR YOU? He went to Africa AND PERFORMED AT YOUR SCHOOL! Apparently, Oprah, you have violated one of the most basic of rules, which is “I go perform in Africa for you; now you don’t defend the girl whose face I mercilessly beat to a bloody pulp.” Really, Oprah. Manners!

Divided from Kate and Eight

Jon Gosselin is not heeding Thundersquee!’s warning. Oh no.  No he’s not.  Rather than… say… you know… throwing a party for the eight fruits of his loin, instead he’s dialing the doosh up to eleven, and heading to Vegas to throw a pool party sponsored by  Ed Hardy and his International House of Crap:

MGM Grand’s Wet Republic announced Wednesday: “Jon Gosselin, America’s favorite father (Jon and Kate plus 8), is coming to Las Vegas for a little R&R and will be hosting poolside.”

Really?  America’s favorite father?  Re-heally?

Dang, y’all.  There’s something in the water.  Methinks it’s the pungent smell of vinegar.  Even Sarah’s angry vagina wouldn’t touch this doosh with a ten foot nozzle.

Source.

To discuss fashion! Also your hatred of women!

I will happily admit that I LOVE fashion. I LOVE IT. I watch it, I pay attention to it, I want to be near it, and at times I have invested far too much money in it. Now, I am aware that as a feminist whose vagina gets angry and throws things from time to time, that may seem counterproductive. Well, sometimes it is. And for the most part, I can laugh off the stupidity that fashion and fashion designers sometimes have to offer. THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE TIMES, Y’ALL.

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You’d better duck, Lady Gaga. My vagina is in a throwing mood.

NOW WITH MORE VIDEO GOODNESS!

Oh, Lady Gaga, you have narrowly avoided my vagina’s wrath (Why? Because I like sex, and I like booze, and I like a catchy tune), that is, you’ve avoided it UNTIL NOW. I was hoping against hope that, as an arteest (who claims to loves ze gays in a non-demeaning way BUT NOW I WONDER ABOUT THAT, TOO) you would be on MY side, and by that, I mean on the side of women, AKA, uh, you! Have you forgotten that on the arm of every gay man with a ticket to your show there are THREE women?

I understand that the term “feminism” has been weirdly muddled by people who don’t understand what feminism is, but while I ain’t no Vassar scholar, I think I can at LEAST explain that feminism= EQUALISM. For instance, how ’bout getting equal pay for equal work? How ’bout NOT being treated like you can’t speak for yourself in ANY situation (E.g., bill-paying, restaurant situations, bank heists). Lady Gaga, you’re newly rich AND you’re young–I understand that, right now, you don’t HAVE to understand the world the rest of us live in, but you DO have to appeal to your weird, possibly methamphetamine addicted public to sell your kind-of-okay-but-not-really records. And they are mostly, weirdly, women, despite your “Gays Only!” policy.

So here’s the moral: don’t bite the methamphetamine-addicted hand that feeds you, because that hand will die young and toothless and stop paying for your records (because they’re dead), and then you won’t get fed.

Video after the jump.

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Would you ladies stop making me do this? THROWING THINGS VAGINALLY IS REALLY A LOT OF WORK!

Tree climber, woman hater Zoe Saldana

An interview with Zoe Saldana (who plays Nyota Uhura in JJ Abrams’ Star Trek flick) as the May issue of Cosmopolitan’s “Fun Fearless Female” revealed these kind words:

Question (from Molly Fahner, Cosmo Interviewer Extraordinaire): You were one of the few women on-set. What was that like?
Answer (from Zoe Saldana, Woman Who Hates Women Extraordinaire) : I loved it! I’ve always been a guy’s girl. ALL my friends are males. I’m not a “chick,” I’m not that communicative, and I like dirt bikes and climbing trees.

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The Devil in Mrs. Jones

An interview with Rashida Jones in the March issue of Marie Claire contained this quote:

“I spend most of my time with my guy friends… blah blah blah…* girls can be complicated. Guys just see it - and tell it - like it is.”

Now, it’s common knowledge that this is a favorable thing to say when being interviewed by Maxim, FHM, or Douchebag Quarterly. Female celebrities, models and even widely-known actresses (maybe not respected ones, but Cameron Diaz and Sharon Stone count, too) are well aware that at some point they’ll be expected to proclaim their unwaveringly loyal “guy’s gal” status. (more…)