If you don’t think Sarah Palin is qualified to be President…then you’re probably gay.

You betcha!

Or at least according to the legions of whackos in the comments section of Free Republic.

The GOP has a problem… the howling and screaming coming from the most insanely neocon faction of its party is growing louder. That voice includes the mind-numbingly annoying shriek of Sarah Palin who, despite being totally incompetent, looks like a likely candidate for either the GOP or for some nascent Tea Party Party, even though members of her own party refuse to say out loud that she is qualified. It’s like saying “Bloody Mary” three times in front of a mirror; the likelihood is that nothing bad will happen, but it’s best to keep your yap trapped on the off chance you’ll turn around and find some crazy lady humming the Battle Hymn of the Republic while wielding a bloody knife rifle.

Last month Haley Barbour, Mississippi Governor and President of the Republican Governor’s Association wouldn’t/couldn’t say she was qualified. A couple days ago, House Minority Whip Eric Cantor also dodged the question.

People. SHE’S NOT QUALIFIED.

Here’s how the exchange should go when a question about Sarah Palin’s presidential qualifications is posed:

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Schadenfreude is a Dish Best Served With a Shot of Whiskey

Remember the Philadelphia swim club that didn’t want a bunch of dirty colored folks swimming in their pool? Well looks like those bastards had to file for bankruptcy.

I’ll give you a minute to shout “HA HA!”

The president of the club, John Duesler complained:

“While many will point towards our legal situation and negative media exposure this summer as the reason, the truth is that the club has struggled to stay out of the red for at least the last decade. . . . And our current debt from this year’s operations and legal fees now exceeds $100,000.”

[Club] Members “are all tired and beaten down and just sickened by how our club has been improperly portrayed,” he said, according to the Daily News. “After speaking to many members, my sense is that mostly everyone wants to move on.”

Improperly portrayed my ass.  The club kept claiming that there were too many kids that day and not enough lifeguards, and that only a few of the kids knew how to swim.  (Yeah. Seriously.  Everybody knows black people can’t swim, MIRITE?)  The Pennsylvania Human Rights Commission found probable cause for race discrimination and levied a $50,000 fine on the Club.  The commission also found that other large groups of kids had frequented the club and not been kicked out, and the club had no black members out of the 334 paid memberships over  the last two years.

One of the rejected kids sued the Club, and more kids were planning to sue.  Unfortunately, now they’re going to have to get in line behind a bunch of creditors in bankruptcy court.  It’s unclear whether their lawsuits will proceed but that’s okay by me because,  you know,  HA HA!!!

If Some Creepy Dude Felt Your Boobs and Told You to Get a Boob Job, Would You Get A Boob Job? Yeah. Me Neither.

Carrie Prejean is really laying it on thick, Alan Thicke-style.  Who can blame her, really? Ever since the controversy regarding her comments about same sex marriage, she has proven time and time again that she, at best, has extremely poor judgment, and at worst is a total idiot.  Let’s recount, shall we?

1. Ign’ant comments about gay versus “opposite marriage.” Cruise knows she has the right to say whatever she wants.  And Cruise also knows that I have the right to call her an ign’ant foolio.

2. Nude photos and faux outrage at the illicit “between shots” photos of her Tune in Tokyos which the dastardly sneaky bastardly photographer released.

3. Lying about the nude photos-turned out she posed for them.  Duh.  (Hey, I have no problems with nude photos or people who pose for them.  But with Carrie, it’s hard to deny that she has a serious glass house/stone problem.)

4. Losing her Miss California crown and blaming it on les gays and decrying it as revenge for her dumbass comments at the Miss USA Pageant when, in fact, she wasn’t adhering to her Miss California contract which required her to make certain public appearances.

5. Thinking that freedom of speech protects her against people who call her an ign’ant foolio in a public forum.

6. Forcing KeeblerKahn to reduce his bag of Bag of Douche awards by one Bag of Douche award.

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Continue to die in a fire, Darren Rovell.

Oh, please.  Just this morning I told y’all about the jackass who claimed that Meb Keflezighi’s win at the New York City marathon was “empty,” and the ensuing uproar of outrage.  Well, predictably, that jackass is backtracking like… like someone who said something really fucking stupid and knows he’s getting reamed by the media and the blogosphere.  And so, he is attempting to avoid getting fired by “apologizing.”  He’s backtrackin’ to the oldies.  And I, for one, call bullshit.  ::ring ring::  WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE ANSWER THE PHONE!!??

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Fake American wins New York Marathon?  The Outrage!

On Sunday, a bunch of crazy ass people decided to run a long distance.  Like really far.  In New York.  I guess people do these sorts of things.  “Marathons,” I believe they are called?  Personally, I only run when I’m being chased. Or if someone is dangling a bottle of Macallan 12 on a fishing pole in front of me.  Run!  Run to the scotch!  Gimme, gimme, gimme!

Well this year’s crazy Running Man was an American!  Holy crap!  An American, Meb Keflezighi won the New York marathon for the first time since 1982! Prompting everyone to, once again, bust out their foam fingers.  We’re number one, we’re number one!

Except some doosh, Darren Rovell, a sports reporter over at CNBC had to go and take the wind out of Keflezighi’s and America’s sails by claiming that he’s not Really American so motherfuckers should quit being all excited that an American won the New York Marathon.  Why?  Because he was born in ::gasp:: AFRICA.

Oh yeah.  You read me right.

Rovell, in an article entitled “Marathon’s Headline Win is Empty,” had this to say:

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These Twilight Shenannies Have Got to Stop….as Soon as I finish Reading Eclipse and Breaking Dawn.

Listen up, squeeps.  I must admit, I enjoyed Twilight and New Moon (the books).  I enjoy them in the way that I enjoyed watching Saved by the Bell and 10 years of Beverly Hills, 90210.  I know there’s absolutely no redeeming value in them, and having been an English Major in college, schooled in Thackeray, the Bronte Sisters, Faulkner, and etc., I know that these books are poorly written.  I mean, REALLY poorly written.  Every time I read the words “Bella frowned sleepily” I want to stab my own self in the neck.  Adverb soup is a crime people.  Stephen King, who hates Twilight, by the way, taught me that.  (If you haven’t read his book On Writing, do it.  Do it now.)

Nonetheless, I zoomed through the first two books in a couple days.  Sue me.  I read some crappy ass books, and I’m not ashamed to admit it.  I read almost every Sweet Valley High book known to womankind back when I was a teenager.  Dude, Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield?  Right the fuck on.  Bruce Patman and his Porsche?  Humunuh humunuh.  Remember when Elizabeth became the bad twin and banged Bruce Patman much to Todd Wilkins’ horror?  Ohhhhh yeahhh.  I’m a sucker for a crappily written book that has some abjectly stupid romance story.   I used to read Harlequin romance novels when I was in high school.  Yeah, that’s right.  I read that shit.  I’m sort of a sap at heart.  (Don’t tell anyone!  Well, except the entire interwebz.)

So I recognize that Twilight sucks from a literary standpoint.  But I still like the books.  But for the love of Cruise, this vampire shit has got to stop before  I burn this motherfucker down.

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Mark My Words

Y’all may be aware of the so-called war going on between Fox News and the Obama administration.  The Obama administration has called out Fox News for what it is–an extension of the Republican Party.   He refuses to visit Fox’s Sunday shows and is basically giving Fox the silent treatment.

And boy is Fox News pissed off about it.  Recently, Glenn Beck compared Fox News workers to victims of the Holocaust, claiming that when Obama is finished persecuting Fox News workers, then Obama is going to come after you.

Run for the hills!

I don’t really care if you’re a Democrat, a Republican, or a Libertarian, you all know damn well that Fox News is not “Fair and Balanced.”  It’s also not news.  It’s an opinion network.  I wouldn’t have such a problem with Fox News if they would be upfront about the fact that they are an opinion network.  At least MSNBC has the common sense to use “The place for politics” as its tagline.  This “Fair and Balanced” shit is just a blatant lie.  It’s false advertising.  And I wish Roger Ailes would die in a fire.

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Mea Culpa and a Request

Hi, I’m stopthemadness. And I’m opinionated, stubborn, and prone to wild outlandish statements. And also, I’m a bit of a doosh.

More than two years ago, I stumbled across Mollygood.com.  I sat and lurked for six months. Why? Because the Hags were a scary bunch. Funny. Smart. Well spoken. And did I mention funny? The Hags didn’t take any shit. And they regulated the comment section.

When I finally got up the cojones to comment, I remember thinking to myself, “Oh Jebus. I hope I’m not barging in on some sort of party here.”  Of course that thought didn’t stop me.  I started commenting.  Like a motherfucker.  And it felt GOOD.  I began to develop relationships with the Hags.  Pretty soon I became a Hag myself. And to tell you the truth, squeeple?  My life is better for it.  I get to spend the Thanksgiving holidays with Cait and NFL Guy.  I spent a lovely weekend in New Orleans at Cait’s wedding with Lisa(#1) and Mae this summer.   For four months while I was unemployed (and pissed off about it), I typed at Lily the Pink until my fingers bled, bitching about life, and scheming and plotting for world Squee!-domination.  Whenever I’m feeling low, I pop over to Facebook update my status to something rick-diculous, and immediately Hags and Squeers! alike comment on my thread and make me feel like I’m not alone in this mixed-up crazy world.

“What the hell is the point of this post, STM?” you might be asking.

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“Get Motivated”?  How about “Get Bent”?

In what can only be described as “a fucking joke,” George Bush crawled out of his hidey hole to launch his new career as motivational speaker.

Yeah.

Seriously.

On Monday, he spoke to a crowd of about 11,000 idiots at a business motivational seminar called “Get Motivated!” some Republican Motivational Crapfest in Fort Worth, Texas.

During his speech, Bush claimed that he brought honor and dignity to the office. Um, no. No you didn’t. You know what else you didn’t bring? A dictionary or a passing knowledge of the English language.

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Crazy is as Crazy Does

Orly Taitz, dentist, lawyer, and hot cup of crazy, got slapped with a $20,000 fine for her Birther shenanigans.

Orly Taitz is that crazy Tammy Faye-looking lady who is the “queen” of the Birther Movement.   She’s been flapping her gums about how Obama isn’t a U.S. citizen and therefore isn’t legitimately the President of the United States, and has filed multiple lawsuits making her absurd claims.  For most people, the birther crap seems to have run its course.  Or at least, it has in the media.  It is, after all, abjectly fucking stupid.

Nonetheless, I reckon there are underground lairs of crazy people who still believe this nonsense.  And Orly is one of them; she continues to demand that Obama produce his birth certificate.  Even though… you know… he already has.    Hell, even Hawaii tried to put a stop to the birther crap and came out and said “Listen here, motherfuckers.  Obama was born in Honolulu!”  But, apparently Hawaii is in on Operation Fake President; at least according to Orly.  After all, she’s the one behind all the fake birth certificates–including one from friggin’ Canada.

Orly has been ridiculed for months now–by the media, by the courts, and by her own (former) clients–but she keeps on actin’ the fool.  And now her unchecked tomfoolery has resulted in sanctions–a whopping $20,000 which is $10,000 more than the amount the judge originally threatened.

I’m fairly certain my original was assessment was correct; the judge was baiting her by asking her to file court papers addressing why she shouldn’t be sanctioned.  Instead of writing a legal argument, she served up more crazy.

From the judge’s ruling:

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Obama Wins the Nobel Peace Prize!  HAHAHAHAHA! 

I must admit, when Cait texted me this morning to ask me if I was going to write about Obama winning the “NPP,” I was all “Huh?  What?”  And then she followed up that text by saying “Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize.”  And again my reaction was “Huh?  What?”  immediately followed by peals of laughter because HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize a mere week after the conservatives CHEERED that he “lost the Olympics.”

Maybe I’m twisted, but I’m getting more pleasure from the totally bonkers conservative reaction to Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize than I am from the fact that he actually won the Nobel Peace Prize.  Conservatives are in a RAGE about it.  And it’s fantastic.

Let the fuckery begin!

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Free Polanski?!  SHAME ON YOU.

We here at Thundersquee! have pondered for a week what to do or say about Roman Polanski’s arrest at a film festival in Switzerland last week for fleeing the United States in 1978 after raping a 13 year old girl, and the resulting “Free Polanski” petition which members of the European and American film community, as well as designers, authors, and other artists have signed urging for Polanski’s release.

I speak only for myself when I say the following:  Roman Polanski is a revolting human being, and the artists who are rallying behind Roman Polanski are morally repugnant and should be deeply ashamed of themselves.

Whoopi Goldberg said it wasn’t “rape-rape.”

Debra Tate, the sister of Sharon Tate, Polanski’s wife who was murdered by the Manson family in 1969 told Matt Lauer on the Today Show that even though the girl was 13, it was consensual sex: “It was rape, but it wasn’t rape.”

Debra Winger accused the Swiss authorities of “philistine collusion” and said “This fledgling festival has been unfairly exploited, and whenever this happens the whole art world suffers.”

Every time another celebrity opens his or her mouth in defense of Roman Polanski, I lose all respect for that person.  Hell, anytime any one of my friends or acquaintances opens his or her mouth in defense of Roman Polanski, I lose all respect for that person.  Roman Polanski forcibly raped a 13 year old girl.  Full.Stop.

And after he fled the United States, this is what he had to say about it:

“If I had killed somebody, it wouldn’t have had so much appeal to the press, you see? But… fucking, you see, and the young girls. Judges want to fuck young girls. Juries want to fuck young girls. Everyone wants to fuck young girls!”

Which brings me to the reason for this post. A few months ago, we featured Natalie Portman as a Daily Bale. Well Natalie, we are un-baling you.  Any person who would sign a “Free Polanski” petition does not deserve to be featured as a Daily Bale on Thundersquee!

Shame on you, Natalie.  I have lost all respect for you.

I have also lost all respect for the following people:

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Woohoo!  America Loses!  Some country with brown people, FTW!  Wait, we don’t even like brown people… What are we cheering for again?

As you probably know, Chicago lost the bid to host the 2016 Olympics in the first round.  Ultimately, the International Olympic Committee decided to have the Olympics in Rio de Janeiro.  (Somewhere Duran Duran is getting really excited; sales of Rio are going to skyrocket.  Just you watch.  Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand… just like that river twisting through the dusty land.)

Obama made a special trip to Copenhagan to appeal to the IOC: Pretty pretty please, let Chicago host the Olympics?  The IOC was all “er…. no!  NEXT!”  Well, people in Chicago were crushed.

I think the Olympics are sort of a joke, at this point.  First of all, I don’t see why we need to have them every two years.  I liked it better when it was every four years and all year round.  Second, with all the doping and scandal and technology, swimmers are wearing skintight full body suits that provide them gills as soon as they enter the water, and speed walkers swish their way to glory in shoes with nitro tanks hidden in the heels.  I mean really?  The Olympics have become less about real talent, and more about who can hide the fact that they are all jacked up on steroids, or that they are a 9 year old gymnast masquerading as a 16 year old.  Third, the whole affair turns into this uber-nationalistic jingoistic commercialized bullshit that really annoys me.

[Sidenote: The opening ceremonies from the Beijing Olympics partly awed me and partly scared the crap out of me.  Mark my words, squeeple.  If China ever decides they want to go all Germany on our asses and take over the goddamn world, they are going to do it with swift razor sharp precision.  Then again, I'm not really sure I care.  I figure I could learn Chinese pretty quickly.  I'm smart.  Plus, gottDAMN, I wouldn't mind eating soup dumplings for  the rest of my natural born life.]

But I digress.  I don’t really give a shit where the Olympics are held.  I’m sure my heart will go on, Celine Dion-style whether the Olympics are in Chicago, Rio, or the Sandwich Islands.  (You think the BLT is their official national food?!)

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The Most Important Information Available To You

...Aaaand that's how this is going to play out. Oh and Kate? By the time everyone realizes we were perfect for each other, I'll be long gone.

Skimming Rainbow presents: Putting Words In Your Mouth

According to the internet this week…

• Jon Gosselin: “For the record, when I did it, it wasn’t exploitation-exploitation. Because I was profiting.”  Runner-up: “The only thing more convenient than my morals are these lovely Ed Hardy tampons and douches. Look for my face on the box, only at Target.”
• Kristin Cavallari: “Originality isn’t really his bag. I mean, did you see that one tattoo?”
• Shakira: “I left Spain for this? I had a real career and everything!”
• Kim Zolciak: “I try to add symmables to wrods because it creationates a smartical feeling in me thinks.”
• The Angry Black Lady: “Oh, for fuck’s sake.”
• Katie Holmes: “Arch support?? Don’t let me hear you say those words again. Now hurry, why are you walking like that?”
• Paris Hilton: “Everyone else is criticizing my top, but Sar wants to buy one. Suck it, haters.”
  

…And what words are being put in your mouth this week, Squeeple?

Are you fucking kidding me with this?

Some douchebag posted a poll on Facebook that asks the question: Should Obama Be Killed?

Here’s a screenshot:

I mean: What.the.Fuck.

Seriously?  What the fuck?  And “if he cuts my healthcare” as a response?  This is how stupid people are, squeeple.  The fear tactics have gotten so out of hand that Obama’s effort to provide healthcare for ALL Americans has somehow morphed into a fear that Obama is trying to CUT people’s healthcare.  Say what you will about concerns regarding how he’s going to pay for it.  Say what you will about whether you believe healthcare is a right. Say that you don’t want insurance and you don’t want to be fined for not having it.  Fine.  But don’t you dare argue that he’s going to CUT your healthcare.  Because if you do make that argument, then you are an asshat.  An asshat that Sar will wear when she gets mad.

Needless to say, the Secret Service is all over this like brown on rice.  And as well they should be–death threats against Obama have increased 400% when compared to death threats against Bush.  The Secret Service isn’t putting up with any shit.

Apparently the poll was created by an independent individual using a third party application (which has since been suspended.)  I hope the Secret Service waterboards this fucking idiot.

Oh except it’s America and we don’t torture.  MIRITE?

Oh my Cruise, it’s enough to make my head expl–

Orly Taitz, DDS, Esq. = PWNED

Last week I told y’all about how Orly Taitz is off her damn rocker. If you recall, she decided it would be a good idea to spout off to the media that Judge Clay Land is treasonous and a puppet of the Obama “regime” after Land dismissed the case of Taitz’s client, Connie Rhodes–a woman who seems to think she can demand verification of her deployment order on the basis that Obama has not yet proven that he’s a U.S. citizen and therefore a legitimate President.  Basically, both of these women are nucking futs.

Instead of keeping her piehole shut, Taitz went and filed another motion!  The court viewed it as a motion to reconsider which is legalese for “Hey Judge, you got it wrong; here’s why; please reconsider your ruling.”  Usually when lawyers file motions to reconsider, they base it on, you know, legal principles and junk.

Not Orly.  Oh no.  Instead she decided to file a motion that relied on no legal authority whatsoever, and instead restated all her birther bullshit.  She called the judge treasonous and said that “the United States District Courts in the 11th Circuit are subject to political pressure, external control… and subservience to the same illegitimate chain of command which Plaintiff has previously protested.”  (Um, Orly?  Judge Land was not even appointed by Obama.  HE WAS APPOINTED BY DUBYA IN 2001.  So, what in the name of biscuits are you even talking about?)

Here’s a snippet of gold from the Judge’s ruling:

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Orly Taitz: The biggest idiot since sliced bread.

So you all know about the crazy ass Birthers, and how they think Barack Obama was born in Kenya, and that, with respect to the presidency of Barack Obama, the United States government is perpetrating the largest fraud upon the American public since the FDA warned us that eating Pop Rocks and Coke killed Mikey.  (He liked it!)

Orly Taitz is the lawyer/real estate agent/dentist who is representing a bunch of soldiers who are refusing to follow deployment orders because they think that Obama is not legitimately President of the US of A and conclude that they don’t have to follow his orders.  [I wrote about the idiocy of the Birthers here and here.]

Well yesterday, a federal judge in Georgia (Judge Clay Land) wasn’t having any more Birther crap, and, in a blistering opinion, threatened Taitz with sanctions if she continues to file her bullshit lawsuits:

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Oldest Woman in the History of Stuff Dies

A few months ago, I did a really really ridiculously long and extensive timeline detailing the various events through which Gertrude Baines, then alive and kicking at the age of 115, lived.

Click here, for Part 1.  Click here for Part 2.

Well, dear Gertie passed away today.  According to her doctor, Dr. Charles Witt:

“She told me that she owes her longevity to the Lord, that she never did drink, she never did smoke and she never did fool around.”

Rest in peace, Gertie.  You’ve earned it.

The oldest woman ever torch has thusly been passed to Kama Chinen, a 114-year old woman in Japan.

(Thanks to PO(W)B for the tip!)

Heckling the President?  Dude, seriously?

I know there’s a black President and all but ding dang, y’all.  That doesn’t mean motherfuckers should be acting like they’re on location at Showtime at the Apollo.

Last night, President Obama gave a seminal speech on health care.  Frankly, it was a speech he should have given two months ago.  I enjoyed it.  I like seeing Obama acting all presidential-like.  It’s way better than the goon I had to watch tripping over his words for the last eight years.  Yes, I’m liberal.  Yes I prefer Obama and Clinton to Bush and Bush.  But come on now.  Bush 2.0 was a dumbass.  Admit it, Republicans.   I mean, at least his father could string a sentence together.  But I digress.

During his speech, Obama attempted to lay to rest some of the more rick-dickulous claims about his plans for health care reform.  He finally told us that he does not, in fact, want to kill your grandma. He also said that, no, he is not going to implement mandatory abortions.  And that, don’t be a moron, he is not going to insure 12 million illegal immigrants.  When he got to that last bit, Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC) yelled out “You lie!”

Oh yeah.  You read me right.  A member of Congress called the President of the United States a LIAR on national television, during a joint session of Congress.  Watch it:

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Obama wants to turn your children black (and once they go black, they’ll never ever go back)

Holy shit, y’all.  Did you hear about what Obama did last week?  He gave a back-to-school speech to our nation’s childrenses!  And you know what else?  He like, totally tried to turn your child into a black person.  BEHIND YOUR BACK.  (He also pulled the plug on your grandma, but we can talk about that later.)

This aggression will not STAND, man.   I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw the news. Obama addressed a nation of young impressionable children and filled their heads with balderdash and poppycock.  (That’s British for BULLSHIT.)  He told kids that they should stay in school!  And that they should do their homework!  And that they should pass on grass!

I mean, what kind of crap is he trying to pull?  How dare he tell your children to put down that X Box Virtual 3000 2.0, stop sniffing glue, and open a book? How dare he tell your children that they need to study hard and not give up on their dreams and life in general?

I mean, what’s next?  I know I don’t want my kids to go to college.***  Or get a job.  Or learn shit.  I want my kids to become one of the next generation of idiotic fuckwits, like the ones at the townhall meetings, talkin’ ’bout “Hello, Hitler!”

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