Linky-loos you can use.

According to Carrie Prejean, the world’s biggest idiot, being “homophobic” means being fearful of men.  Oh, and if she’s a bigot then the President is one too.  Oh and there’s a campaign to silence her.  Um, no.  There’s a campaign for you to stop martyring yourself and embrace your inner whore.  Celebitchy.

We have a talented deviant artist in our midst.  I’m looking at you, potato_sensei.  Deviant Art.

Interested in buying the best t shirts ever?  We have a couple talented t shirt purveyors in our midst.  The shirts are designed by syndeypup and the business is managed by ramy.  You’re gonna wanna stick your arms in these shirts.  Plus they’re eco-friendly– made out of tofu, bamboo, soy milk, and unicorn tears.  Parker and Stella.

Werewolves, and sparkly vampires, and subservient women, oh my!  Seriously Bella and Edward?  Just have sex already so the world can get over this Twilight craze.  P.S.  I’m totes on Team Jacob.  But cornfucker R. Pattz is hot and broody.  His corn is too broodylicious for ya, babe.  Daily Beast

No. No.  Pursing your lips for a picture does not make you look hot.  It makes you look like a duck that just pooped its pants.  Stop making that duckface!

I’ve always loved Meryl Streep.  I mean for serious.  How can you not?  She’s Meryl fucking Streep!  Well you know who hates Meryl Streep?  My mother.  Hates her like I hate Andie MacDowell.  There’s tension over the holidays because of it.  My mom always wants to watch Four Weddings and A Funeral.  I always want to watch Adaptation.  In the end, we just watch Ratatouille.  OK fine, I just made that story up–except I do hate Andie Macdowell and my mother does hate Meryl Streep.  So…. Lainey Gossip.

Tracy Morgan scared the bejeesus out of some audience members who expected to see more “Jordan” than “Morgan.” D Listed.

Eva Mendes is hot.  And she also has nipples.  Shocking!  Egotastic.

Amy Winehouse is going Kim Kardashian on our asses.  First stop?  Boob job.  Next stop?  Butt implants.  When will she realize that the only stop she should ever make is at Rehab?  Stop saying “no, no, no” and start saying “Yes I can (stop smoking crack)!”.  D Listed.

Morrissey is acting like a big crybaby again.  Agent Bedhead.

Keep fuckin’ that chicken, squeeps!

Remember that movie with Barbra Streisand and Kris Kristofferson?

It’s kind of like that, but creepier.  Sure, Judy Garland did it in A Star Is Born, but Babs and Kris had awesome 70s hair.  Now David Hasselhoff wants to make all of Mitch Winehouse’s dreams come true.  If you enjoy creepy dads talking about their daughter’s boobs:

“I think she looks great.  I think every bit of her looks great at the moment. She didn’t do her boobs for vanity reasons.” Winehouse has been quoted as saying.

I hate to disappoint you, Mitch, but unless you need breast reconstruction (for medical reasons, it’s for vanity) you might like this show.

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When it comes to the cute and wholesomeness scale, Taylor Swift ranks as follows. Puppies and kittens, Taylor Swift, babies dressed as puppies and kittens. Maybe she is just too nice to say no, but she really should have passed on this photo op. Hey Romeo, stay away from Juliet.

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Remains Crackhead

Apparently Amy Winehouse is laboring under the gravely stupid impression that her lack of breasts is the reason for her toilet status career, rather than the fact that she’s a total crackhead.

Thinking her recent appearance on Strictly Come Dancing, some Dancing With the Stars-y show in Britland*** would be the comeback that would make L.L. Cool J. squeal, Winehouse got her boobs jacked up from a 32B to a 32D. Because as we all know, that was her problem.

Amy’s PR rep A source at the London clinic had this to say: “She looks amazing, like a new woman. Amy told us she wanted a new look - it’s all part of her fresh start for her big comeback.”

::stifles dramatic eyeroll::

It’s gonna take more than a new set of Tune In Tokyos to turn her from this:

back to this:

***Yes, yes, it was your idea, Brits.  Are you proUd?

Movies Quote Edition

Be the first on your block to correctly identify the quote to the movies they came from. Remember, cheaters never win, unless of course they are the “Women’s” Chinese Gymnastics team, so try and guess them on your own.

"Excuse me while I whip this out."

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Amy Winehouse-ism is a global problem

Dang, yeaux.  I guess when fools need they heroin, fools need they heroin.  And not Cruise, or jail, or house arrest, or dogs who sniff your butt searching out the  heroin hiding within will stop a fool from trying to get they heroin.

Cameron Douglas, that hipster looking son of one Michael J. Douglas needed him some heroin.  So he asked his girlfriend to bring him some… hidden in an electric toothbrush.  The only problem is that he was ALREADY UNDER HOUSE DETENTION FOR POSSESSION WITH INTENT TO DISTRIBUTE CRYSTAL METH. (A crime for which he faces up to ten years in the hoosegow.)

According to a federal complaint, a security guard overheard a phone conversation in which Douglas asked for a toothbrush. Douglas “appeared to be very concerned about when the toothbrush would be delivered,” the complaint says. According to another guard, Douglas had already been provided with a toothbrush a few days earlier.

Needless to say, his girlfriend got her ass arrested.

Come on, Cam.  You think those people monitoring your house arrest haven’t seen every trick in the book?  You think they aren’t tapping  your phones?  You think the guards at the courthouse jail are stoopid?  You think they aren’t watching you like a hawk?  You think Catherine Zeta-Jones doesn’t have the whole T-mobile team and their friends, family, and fave 5 all over your ass like white on rice? Man alive. What in THEE hell is wrong with people?

Having just come back from eating a delicious Vietnamese meal, and topping it off with a delicious Vietnamese coffee, I propose this:  If you need you some meth, drink you some Vietnamese coffee.  Because I swear to biscuits, that shit is POTENT AS ALL GET OUT.  It’s got to be stronger than meth.  Also, it doesn’t lead to meth face.

I mean, wouldn’t you agree that a face is a terrible thing to waste?

Source.

I will refrain from describing the bottom notes

Under the guidance of her dad Mitch, Amy Winehouse is set to become the latest celebrity to launch her own perfume range. According to the Daily Star:

“Mitch is keen to license Amy’s name to a perfume house. He has been in talks with manufacturers and contacted PR firms for advice. They want it to reflect her style with a classic smoky 1950s look and smell. Amy is keen to expand her brand and wants to latch on to the celeb perfumes bandwagon while she can.”

WHAT.THE.HELL?  Come on, Mitch. Wake the fuck up.  The only “brand” Amy has right now is Marlboro Reds. Don’t you think that maybe you should work on the whole image thing a little more before you start trying to milk your cash cow? When I think of Amy right now, I don’t think of the hugely talented young woman with a quirky, kitschy retro style.  I think of a half-dressed, unwashed skank wandering the streets of Chelsea at 3AM looking for a light for her crack pipe, and that Amy doesn’t evoke associations of pleasant smells.

Work on taking Amy:

From this, back to this

We’ll thank you.  She’ll thank you, and ultimately her talents will bring you the millions of pounds you seem to care most about.

After the jump, a reminder of the talent she’s squandered.

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Bananas?

Amy Drinkhouse, sorry, Amy Drunkhouse, my bad, Winehouse canceled her upcoming concert that was supposed to be some kind of comeback. Don’t call it a comeback. I’m sorry, but I can’t say that word without breaking out into L.L.’s, Mama Said Knock You Out. (You know that song is going to be stuck in your head all day now.) Anyway, a recent concert at the St. Lucia Jazz Festival was cut short. It was mostly not her fault. Blame that bitch, Mother Nature. She has some nerve raining on Amy’s big day like that. Mother Nature almost ruined my wedding day, and almost soaked my super cool puffy-shouldered wedding gown. Shut up, it was the 90s. Don’t judge.

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One of these women is Hulk Hogan’s daughter. The other is his girlfriend. Lets see if Hulk can tell them apart, or cares.

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“The Lamb broke another seal and I heard the voice like thunder cry out, "Come forward." And a fifth rider appeared. In her hand she held a crack pipe, and skank followed with her.” The Word of Busey be with you.

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FLOTUS Floozies: Part One

As I ranted yesterday, Michelle Obama is catching flack in the media for being too sexy– for daring to go sleeveless.  Well, it turns out that Michelle O is going to have to slut it up a bit more if she’s going to top the real FLOTUS (First Ladies of the United States) Floozies.  So hike up your skirt, drop your pants, and journey with me as I recount the Top Ten FLOTUS Floozies.

Here are your first five floozies, in no particular order.

Martha Washington

Y’all may not know this, but Martha was a hellcat.  She was a saucy minx.  Just look at her portrait.  E’rybody knows that you can’t trust a woman who walks around swaddled in some robe-looking outfit.

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The Saddest Little Beehive

Amy Winehouse’s home has been burglarized, according to her spokesman,* Chris Goodman. Winehouse’s response? “Blllalarhaghghgghghg. Drink.”

It is estimated that the criminals made off with approximately 15,000 pounds – of garbage, including stale pizza crust, used needles, and false hairpieces. No word yet on who would buy her crack. I mean crap. (more…)