The rest of the world must be crazy because I know I’m sane

I’ve never understood why American Idol is such a big deal. I’ve tried to watch it but it just bothers me to watch people get their dreams crushed on such an epic level. Anyways, what is the deal with Adam Lambert? Do people actually like this guy? I saw a couple of his preformances and he didn’t seem like anything special to me. Also, I want to punch him for the guyliner. Can somebody please explain to me why his album is number 2 on Amazon.com? Anyone? Bueller?

Also hopes to figure out why she brings nothing to the table

So apparently Kara DioGuardi is all sapphically stoked to sit next to Ellen this season. This is me not caring.

I don’t understand what Kara DioGuardi brought to American Idol last season.  I can’t think of one think she said, or one thing she did that should make me care about her.  Let’s face it, Paula Abdul clapped like a seal and generally acted like a drunk ass foolio for eight long seasons.  But her alcohol-fueled shenannies at least kept me entertained.

Kara on the other hand is a hot plate of YAWWWWWWN! with a side of Boring.

Ellen?  Who knows.  Maybe you can make American Idol relevant again.  I’m not holding my breath though.

Paula Is Crazy Like a… Like a… Like a Something that Drinks A Lot and Takes Too Many Pills

Paula, I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but everyone in the world thinks you’re as crazy as a drunk seal-clapping loon.  So, I’m not exactly sure what you have knocking around in that space between your ears, but when, after claiming you’re not worried about finding another job, you say shit like this:

“At this point, there are so many wonderful things that are being offered to me. And I got to take a deep breath, sleep a little … and go through everything.”

I wonder if you’ve gone completely off the reservation.  I mean, “go through everything?”  You mean like your bottles of Vicodin, Klonopin, Xanax, Zoloft, and goat penis extract pills?

Bitch, please.

Source.

Wants to dedicate herself full-time to fighting the Vicodin ban

In 2nd, 6th, and 8th grade I had this teacher named Mrs. Crawford. She was nutty. She was scary. She knew absolutely nothing about Algebra.

I don’t know how Mrs. Crawford managed to keep her job at my school for so many years. My guess is that she had dirt on people. We all knew she had dirt on her ex-husband, because she would start every class with prayer. She would let God know just how upset she was about the power bill not being paid on time. Then she would get schooled in equations by a room full of underachievers.

Once I remember her telling my brother, “Your butt is the grass and I’m the lawnmower. So vroom vroom.”

Which brings me to this breaking story: My emotional replacement for Mrs. Crawford, Paula Abdul, is apparently not coming back for the next season of American Idol.

She let her fans know this entirely unsurprising news by tweeting about it. It needs to be said that this was the kind of announcement that seemed a little like ill-advised passive aggression. Like when you think, “Maybe if I break up with him, he’ll realize he wants me and come back twice as committed.”

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Paula Abdul May Be Out and Taking Her Seal-esque Clapping Style With Her

So apparently American Idol was all slow on the draw when it came time to renew Paula “I like to Drink on Tuesdays on Live Television” Abdul’s contract.  You see, Paula “I Also Drink on Wednesdays Because the Results Shows are Uncomfortable” Abdul’s contract with American Idol is up.  And homegirl is PISSED that her contract has yet to be renewed.

She’s all “This is bullshit!” and “I’m going to complaint to my fans on Twitter!” and “He’s a cold-hearted snake!  Look into his eyes!”

Meanwhile, the other lady on American Idol, Ryan Seacrest (zing!), just signed a 27 million dollar deal making him the highest paid tv presenter ever in the history of whatever.

Oh, and Kara “I still don’t know what I bring to the judge’s table” DioGuardi is also waiting for her offer.

Oh Cruise, I think I just fell asleep while writing this…

Source.

And that includes tributes to Andrew, Stonewall, and Samuel L. Jacksons

"Stop it, American Idol. You're going to kill me all over again."

Pssst!  Hey!  American Idol!  GO AWAY.

Fox Broadcasting, the least offensive of all the Foxes (including Fox News and all foxes in henhouses), chose poorly when it decided to re-air its “Top 13″ Michael Jackson theme night.

If you were misfortunate enough to be watching last night, 1 and American Idol and 12 American Losers all took turns shouting their horrible renditions of Michael Jackson hits straight from their songholes to your television box and into your ear sockets.

Michael will likely moonwalk in his grave in protest.

Source.

America Wakes Up, Yawns, Goes Back to Sleep

Adam Lambert has landed a Rolling Stone cover and apparently talks about his sexuality and stuff:

According to Rolling Stone, Lambert was open about his sexuality backstage at “Idol.” In March, photos surfaced online of Lambert kissing his ex-boyfriend. “Going into ‘Idol,’ I assumed, ‘OK, people are going to talk,’” he says. “I mean, I’ve been living in Los Angeles for eight years as a gay man, I’ve been at clubs making out with somebody in the corner. But photographic evidence? Didn’t count on that. Wasn’t ready for that.”

He says he worried that a public announcement would overshadow his singing, so he decided not to respond and largely kept his personal life under wraps on the show. “I’m an entertainer, and who I am and what I do in my personal life is a separate thing,” he says. “It shouldn’t matter. Except it does. It’s really confusing.”

So yeah.  I guess Adam Lambert is “officially gay.”  Ugh.  Who cares.  It sucks that this is even news.  It sucks that some twenty-something-year-old kid who was really quite an impressive entertainer has to have a “coming out” moment with America.

I will volunteer to be gay if it means I never have to read another story about “so-and-so” is gay again.

Thundersquee!: New and Improved, With 100% More Irony.

That’s a serious question people

Hasn’t this stupid show been over for a couple of weeks or something? Why is it my co-workers and every website under the sun are still talking about this crap? I never got into American Idol because it’s just like Star Search and I was over that mess a long time ago. Now everybody’s talking about how there’s some conspiracy because the gay guy didn’t win. I’m all for a good conspiracy but this is just stupid. Even people who don’t watch that sleeping pill of a show know that the second place winner ends up doing just as well, if not better, than the person who took home the title. Is it really worth weeks of bickering? You could be out yelling at kids to stay off your lawn or something. I don’t know, I just don’t get it, I guess.

Heartless

Tuesday night on American Idol, Kris Allen sang Kanye West’s Heartless. When it came time for the judges critiques, Randy Jackson said “Dude, check it out baby, I liked that better than Kanye’s version. That for me was better than the original.” Time stood still as the audience did a silent “Oh no you di-int!” Not really, but can’t you just picture Mr. West’s face puffing up in anger,  blowing off his body and flying around the room along with his Mac computer. I guess Randy Jackson has a death wish.

Here’s Allen’s version. Kanye’s follows after the jump. You be the judge, but watch your back.

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