Forget holiday cheer for everyone else, you go on and get yours!

If this is the face you're hoping for, read on!

I have always liked the holidays - seeing the fam, eating too much, drinking teh boozay NOG - pretty good stuff.  Heck, I even like the shopping and gift giving.  Generally.  But somehow, usually through marriage but sometimes through work, each and every one of us is obligated to exchange gifts with an asshat.  An asshat that gives you a fruitcake or some mixed nuts or some shit like that when you spent time and effort picking out something the hozer would like.  What is a normal, decent person to do?  Sometimes it can be difficult to be thoughtless.  Well, dear Squeers, we have come to the rescue.  We have put together a list of 10 crappy items that are sure to passive aggressively put the screws to the asshat.  That’s right, a gift that is just nice enough to force them to say “thanks!” but so crappy they will stew about it well into the new year.

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The economy screws you and doesn’t even call you a cab in the morning

We all know the economy sucks- hard! Every time the newspaper or the news station tells you things are getting better the economy kicks you in your hypothetical balls again.

So, dear Squee-ers, we bring you a list of the top reasons why the current state of our economy really sucks.

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You may love them or hate them, but you always watch them.

It’s not just the time of year when the nog flows freely - it’s also the time of year when your most favorite and most hated movies appear.  Lets discuss them, shall we?

A Christmas Story

It’s the movie that gave us the kick ass phrase, “You’ll shoot your eye out,” as well as introducing us to foreign phrases like, “Fraaaaa-geeeeee-lay.”  I’m ever on the look out for a sexy leg lamp but it still eludes me;  I want my very own major award.  And who can forget the very special rendition of, We wish you a Merry Christmas? Fa ra ra ra ra, squeeple.

I still can’t turn that movie off, no matter how much I try.  It sweeps you back to being a child and all the bad presents you’ve ever gotten.  My grandmother always bought us underwear and why the hell do people buy socks as gifts?  And I don’t know about your father, but mine also worked in profanity the way other artists worked in oil or clay and that’s what makes this movie great.  There are so many charcters that are not unlike the people in your own life.  Everyone can somehow relate.  Love it.

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Unless you like rejection…

Times are tough and people are looking for new ways to make money.  The more entrepreneurial of us are constantly trying to come up with million dollar ideas to pitch to venture capitalists in the hope they’ll get money to develop their idea. If you’ve ever seen shows like Dragon’s Den in the UK and Canada (among others) or Shark Tank in the US, you’ll know that some people have some seriously bad ideas that they think are completely awesome and for which they fully expect a billion trillion dollars.  They call these people “lunatics,” but even at their worst, their foolish ideas aren’t as bad as some of the saner ones.  So we’ve decided to see how bad the ideas could get, and came up with our own list of horrible product or business ideas. We’re also challenging you, dear squeers!, to do the same.

• 10. Used dog toys
• 9.  Speculum cum cork extractor
• 8.  Home Dentistry Kit
• 7. 811–A number people can call to tell someone everything is going OK today.
• 6. Hypodermic needle recycling
• 5. Steel wool bath puffs
• 4. Tiger Balm Lube
• 3. Do-it-yourself Circumcision kit
• 2. Squid leash
• 1. Vinegar and baking soda douche

Add yours to the list after the jump.

Some crap you may or may not know about this day

What, can't a guy just walk in the woods with a mask and axe?

Today is the day where everyone jokes about Camp Crystal Lake. Don’t even deny it; when you’re alone on this day you know you listen for “Kill, Kill, Kill, Now, Now, Now.” You know he’s not there… this time. Some people are so freaked out by this day they have their own phobia. So if you are afraid to even look out your door today then you may have paraskevidekatriaphobia. Say that shit 5 times fast.

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If Some Creepy Dude Felt Your Boobs and Told You to Get a Boob Job, Would You Get A Boob Job? Yeah. Me Neither.

Carrie Prejean is really laying it on thick, Alan Thicke-style.  Who can blame her, really? Ever since the controversy regarding her comments about same sex marriage, she has proven time and time again that she, at best, has extremely poor judgment, and at worst is a total idiot.  Let’s recount, shall we?

1. Ign’ant comments about gay versus “opposite marriage.” Cruise knows she has the right to say whatever she wants.  And Cruise also knows that I have the right to call her an ign’ant foolio.

2. Nude photos and faux outrage at the illicit “between shots” photos of her Tune in Tokyos which the dastardly sneaky bastardly photographer released.

3. Lying about the nude photos-turned out she posed for them.  Duh.  (Hey, I have no problems with nude photos or people who pose for them.  But with Carrie, it’s hard to deny that she has a serious glass house/stone problem.)

4. Losing her Miss California crown and blaming it on les gays and decrying it as revenge for her dumbass comments at the Miss USA Pageant when, in fact, she wasn’t adhering to her Miss California contract which required her to make certain public appearances.

5. Thinking that freedom of speech protects her against people who call her an ign’ant foolio in a public forum.

6. Forcing KeeblerKahn to reduce his bag of Bag of Douche awards by one Bag of Douche award.

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Plumbing Terminology List

So as some of you may know I work in the plumbing industry which means I come across some pretty humorous terminology on a daily basis. It’s with that first hand experience that I present to you the top ten dirty/funny plumbing terminology list. Sit back and enjoy the words that rule a large part of my life.

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The “Bitch, Please” Heard ‘Round the World

After months of unrepentant dooshnozzlery, Jon Gosselin is pretending to be sorry, and apparently becoming a Jew.  He recently met with Rabbi to the Stars, Shmuley Boteach, and plans to get in touch with his “deeper, more spiritual, more altruistic self.”  Yeaaaah.  Riiiiiight.

He’s also claiming that he has lost his way, morally:

“I am well aware that my behavior over the past few months has not always reflected my personal and religious values.  I further accept that I have allowed myself to become somewhat severed from my own moral anchor and [to] be carried away by the challenges of fame.”

And, he complains that all his famewhoring isn’t really famewhoring;  like some emo teenager, he whines about how people just don’t understand his pain, man:

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Retail hell

A few months ago, I took a job that landed me on the ass end of the retail experience. According to the United States Department of Labor, unemployment in Michigan has risen to 15.2 percent.

Like many of the people of Michigan, I was faced with a choice. Take any job I could get and keep a roof over my head,or join a roving road warrior type band of outlaws in the abandoned areas of my state, notably Flint and Detroit. It was a no brainer for me. I’ve never been able to pull off the leather, sports equipment and feathers look. So, I took a job in a gas station/convenience store and returned to the world customer service.

Like anyone working in customer service, there are times when you just want to reach across the counter and smack the people you are being forced to wait on. Having been out of the customer service field for several years, I had forgotten how annoying and entitled people can be.

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Bon mots from the Witless

Kanye West IS the voice of our generation.  Er, decade.  Uh, well, he is, at least, the loudest voice.  Hear me out squeeple, I know I just blew your mind, but it is true: Kanye West IS the voice of our generation–just not in the way he intended.  He is the unintentional Oscar Wilde of the aughts and deserves plaudits and huzzahs for enriching our verbal tapestry.  I submit to you, my friends, that Kanye is, most definitely, a Quotable Quote. No other public figure is so easily conjured by just a few words and so useful in party situations.  He is in/famous enough to be a cultural touchstone and he runs off at the mouth often enough to consistently provide new fodder.  With just a partial quote you can lazily make jokes at his expense - and what are we, as a society, all about if not making lazy jokes at another’s expense?  We have put together an abridged guide to Kanye-isms, so you, too, can learn how to weave them into conversation for instant hilarity!  Order now!

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Sar's real grandma actually seemed this persnickety when Sar was eight.

I can’t think of a better day than TheHobo’s birthday for this coincidence. Yesterday was Roald Dahl Day, which I’ll bet you didn’t know existed.

Roald Dahl’s writings helped shape my childhood, and I’m sure I’m not the only squee-gee (talkin it up!) who can say that.  My favorite was George’s Marvelous Medicine, which I read until the book wore out.

In honor of Roald Dahl Day, here’s a quick list of some of my most memorable childhood reads (and links to the ones with text on Google books).

• George’s Marvelous Medicine by Roald Dahl
• What’s the Matter with Herbie Jones by Suzy Kline (She also wrote a warm response to a fan e-mail I sent her a few years ago.)
• Beezus and Ramona by Beverly Cleary
• Be a Perfect Person in Just Three Days by Stephen Mane
• Wayside School is Falling Down by Louis Sachar
• The Best Christmas Pageant Ever by Barbara Robinson

What are your most memorable childhood books, Squeeple?

Oldest Woman in the History of Stuff Dies

A few months ago, I did a really really ridiculously long and extensive timeline detailing the various events through which Gertrude Baines, then alive and kicking at the age of 115, lived.

Click here, for Part 1.  Click here for Part 2.

Well, dear Gertie passed away today.  According to her doctor, Dr. Charles Witt:

“She told me that she owes her longevity to the Lord, that she never did drink, she never did smoke and she never did fool around.”

Rest in peace, Gertie.  You’ve earned it.

The oldest woman ever torch has thusly been passed to Kama Chinen, a 114-year old woman in Japan.

(Thanks to PO(W)B for the tip!)

The 80s movies edition

Have you ever read Nick  Hornby’s awesome opus, High Fidelity?  Fact is, I’m the protagonist…minus a few massive character flaws that leave me unable to commit to a relationship/not act like a tremendous douche.

But I have always, always been an audiophile.  Major live events are often filed away and categorized in my head by an accompanying playlist.  For example, when my late dad died, I listened to a lot of Johnny Cash (which the two of us used to listen to together as we prepared holiday feasts).  When I think about planning weddings, I think of Regina Spektor and Leigh Nash.

To me, fall isn’t about just football - it’s also about movie nights.  Let’s talk movie songs, shall we? (more…)

The sports anthem edition

Have you ever read Nick  Hornby’s awesome opus, High Fidelity?  Fact is, I’m the protagonist…minus a few massive character flaws that leave me unable to commit to a relationship/not act like a tremendous douche.

But I have always, always been an audiophile.  Major live events are often filed away and categorized in my head by an accompanying playlist.  For example, when my late dad died, I listened to a lot of Johnny Cash (which the two of us used to listen to together as we prepared holiday feasts).  When I think about planning weddings, I think of Regina Spektor and Leigh Nash.

Football season is nigh upon the horizon (and by “nigh,” I mean tonight), and I know that NFL Guy and I have certain songs that get us pumped for Saturdays and Sundays. (more…)

Will never pass the dutchie ‘pon the left hand side

Since 1998, each August Beloit College’s Keefer Professor of the Humanities Tom McBride and Emeritus Public Affairs Director Ron Niefhas have compiled the Beloit College Mindset List. The list defines the cultural experience of the incoming freshman class by taking a look at the cultural touchstones that are uniquely absent from or that have always been a part of their experiences. They recently released their list for the class of 2013, and some entries will make you think, others will make you laugh, and still others will make you feel old.  Here are a my top 10 favorites, but the complete list can be found here. Which did you find interesting, or even shocking?

1. They have never used a card catalog to find a book.
2. Margaret Thatcher has always been a former prime minister.
3. The KGB has never officially existed.
4. State abbreviations in addresses have never had periods.
5. The European Union has always existed.
6. Kevin Costner has always been Dancing with Wolves, especially on cable.
7. They have never been Saved by the Bell (except in re-runs, obv).
8. Agent Starling has always feared the Silence of the Lambs.
9. For these students, Martha Graham, Pan American Airways, Michael Landon, Dr. Seuss, Miles Davis, The Dallas Times Herald, Gene Roddenberry, and Freddie Mercury have always been dead.
10. Bobby Cox has always managed the Atlanta Braves.

Make it work.

As Sarah mentioned, Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn will be gracing our screens for another season of Project Runway tonight. After a brouhaha about the move to Lifetime and LA, viewers will be treated to the new, west-coastier version, starting tonight. Perhaps the move to a new city and a channel will change the show, and you know I love to speculate. Presented for your entertainment, 10 Speculative Speculations!

You can leave your own after the jump!

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Go Sar! It’s your birthday!  And a holiday!  Kick your leg up!  Do a split!  And some other stuff!

I am a Black-hooded Ninja of WIN. Behold my glory!

What can we say about Sar?  That she is our very own Yogi Berra?  That she is thoughtful and sweet and has smarts to spare?  That she puts the “sar” in sartastic?  Yes!  Today is the anniversary of the day the world was blessed with the Tao of Sar.  And so we bring you, a day of Sar, starting with a Glossary of Shit You Didn’t Know But Now You Do (or at least Now You Will):

1.  Anniversary: Yeah that’s right, bitches. It’s the anniversary of the day on which Sar escaped from uterine confinement wearing nothing but a smile. (Yes. She was nekkid. She was a saucy lass, even as a baby.)

2.  Apsaras:  “Supernatural beautiful girls: they appear as young women of great beauty and elegance who are proficient in the art of dancing.” Well, Christ on a biscuit. Sar is a supernatural woman of great beauty and elegance, and if you’d ever seen her do the worm you’d know home girls got funky fresh moves. She doesn’t even need cardboard!

3.  Sarasota: Where our lovely Sar may or may not have been born-slash-traveled-slash-had an embarrassing incident involving a pineapple, a sewing kit, a roll of duct tape, and a man named Spanky. Emphasis on (“may not.”)

4.  Emissary: Sar is an Agent of Awesome, sent on a mission to advance the interests of Awesome. It gets very confusing sometimes when I tell people to go to AA… they think I’m calling them an alcoholic when, in actuality, I’m telling them they need to wrap their hands around some awesome and that I know just the person who can help with that sort of thing.

5.  Asarabacca:  “A species of wild ginger with single axillary dull purple flowers, lying on the ground.” Well that’s, er, weird. I mean I got excited when I saw “wild ginger,” and started squealing when I saw “axillary” and then the word “dull “ hit me like a brick to the face… much in the way that Sar will hit you with a brick in your own face in the Applebee’s parking lot if you dare suggest that Snuffleupagus is better than the Cookie Monster.

"Why yes, of course I do synchronize swimming... when I'm not slapping people in the face with Awesome, that is."

6.  Assart:  “Forest land cleared for agriculture.” “What kind of agriculture?” you might ask. Well, that’s a long story involving corn, the children thereof, and Sar ridding the world of evil armed with a machete and a wicked pair of steel-toed boots.

7.  Caesarian: Legend has it that Sar was cut out of her mother’s womb clutching something in her hand. After much cajoling, the doctors pried that “something” out of her little hand. It turned out to be a crouton.  She was very forward thinking when it came to Caesar salads.

8.  Dispensary: Where Sar hands out her daily dose of KICKASS and WIN whenever people with KICKASS and WIN deficiencies need a quick fix.

9.  Sardines:  Ew.  No way.  Not Evah.  Sarrrrrrskairnst.

10.  Baresark: “A Berserker, or Norse warrior who fought without armor, or shirt of mail.” Does this sound like Sar to you? Yeah, me too.

Happy Birthday Sar!  We come because we love you; we stay for the delicious cookies.

Lurbs,

stopthemadness and Lisa(#1)

Boycott Whole Foods?  Seriously? 

So, did you hear?  Some words came out of John Mackey’s piehole.  He’s the dude who is the CEO of Whole Foods.  And now a bunch of rich hippies are all riled up.

Hey,  I’m pro-hippy.  I’m even a former hippy.  Granted, I’ve never owned a pair of birkenstocks, nor do I think that a peasant skirt paired with corduroys is a good look for women (and it certainly is not a good look for men).  But trust me… if you knew me in the early nineties, you’d be like “Damn!  You’s a hippy!”  And for those of you who did know me in the 90s (::cough cough:: Rev. Random ::cough cough::), well you just keep your preacher hole shut!  We said we’d NEVER TALK ABOUT WHAT WENT DOWN IN THAT DRUM CIRCLE THAT NIGHT!!

But I digress.  So Whole Foods is supposed to be a hemp loving, weed smoking, “mellow out, man” hairy arm-pitted store… for people who love hemp, smoking weed, being mellow, and not shaving.  But is it really?  I mean, come on.  Have you seen their prices?  It’s ridonkulous.  You can buy the same exact crap at Trader Joe’s for waaaaaaay less.  Whole Foods is really a rich people grocery store.  But whatever.

Just look at this grandeur. It's too fancy for poor people.

So the CEO said some crap about healthcare reform (which I will not reproduce here, because, YAWN!) that done pissed off a bunch of progressives and liberals.  I’m firmly in the progressive/liberal camp.  But honestly?  This boycott is stupid.  First of all, Whole Foods is a public corporation.  So yeah, while I don’t agree with what Mackey said, it’s not like Whole Foods is a lemonade stand he’s running on his front lawn to raise money for a Nintendo Wii.

Second, we really have more important problems.  Like how Obama wants to kill your grandma.

Was it the most savvy business move for Mackey to rail against healthcare reform in the op-ed pages of the Wall Street Journal? Probably not.  But it seems to me that people need to calm the hell down and focus.

Still, not normally one to be on the outs with a good hippy cause, I started trolling the interwebz, looking for information that might convince my bleeding liberal heart to boycott Whole Foods on principle.  I found this list of reasons on a website called democracyforvancouver.org (effin’ CANADIANS?!!!):

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Because gyros are the heroes of the sandwich world

As Sar and I were working together on Top Ten Reasons to Trust the Bible, we had a little side conversation about why it is that the Greeks got the shaft and the Jews came out as gyros heroes when the Bible was written both in Hebrew and Greek.  Our conversation then turned to what the Greeks have done for us lately.  And so this list was born.  -stopthemadness

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Because 11 is prime

1. Boobies should always trump Mario.
2. A wet toothbrush means he cares.
3. There is only room for one naked animal in his bed.
4. If his hobby consumes more of his time than you do, then you are his hobby, and it is his girlfriend.
5. Your phone number is not exclusively a favor hotline.
6. Even if everything else is at his expense, the punch lines shouldn’t be at yours.
7. Not everything in love has to be reciprocal. Massages are the exception.
8. You don’t need a diamond ring to prove he loves you. This is assuming he has proven he loves you.
9. Any multiple of two is divisible by two.  For instance, if two people enjoyed a dinner, one person can cook, and one can clean.
10. If he loves his mom so much, he should have thought of that before he started dating other people.
11. If you find yourself sitting around waiting for attention or affection, you are no longer his girlfriend. You are his pet.