We’re Not Purposely Refusing Your Comments. We Would Never.

*thanks to chelsea, for the heads-up.

Is this guy for real?

We all know Brittany Murphy died suddenly at a very young age. To the best of my knowledge the autopsy hasn’t even come back yet. This is not stopping her husband Simon Monjack from filing a lawsuit against Warner Brothers. Simon claims that Warner Brothers fired Brittany from Happy Feet 2 and that caused her to have a heart attack. Come again Simon? There are plenty of people that have been fired and to the best of my knowledge a 30 something year old woman wouldn’t have a heart attack because of it. I might be wrong but something about this just doesn’t sound right to me. Warner Brothers is firing back saying that they never even had a deal for Brittany to be part of Happy Feet 2. All of this kind of pisses me off. I never understood why she was with this guy in the first place. I figured “hey, maybe they just love each other” but the way he’s trying to make a quick buck off of her death really rubs me the wrong way. You’re suing movie studios? Really? Really? Your wife just died. You shouldn’t be worried about making millions off of Warner Brothers for some bullshit reason you pulled out of your ass. Getting fired from a movie gave her a heart attack? An unhealthy diet gives you a heart attack. Getting fired? Not so much.

Any person who buys me a pap smear for Hanukkah or Christmas or Kwanzaa is getting the swift brick of justice applied with a heavy hand to the face

So what do y’all think about CBS’s PSAs? I think they are as weird as Planned Parenthood offering gift certificates, but that’s just me. I’m all for women’s health. Yes, a doctor should peer into your ladyhole with an extremely cold instrument, but for Christmas? Really? When I think “holiday cheer,” the term “feet in stirrups” does not come to mind. But maybe that’s just me…

Personally, I think Barack the Magic Negro is catchier

Matt Fox and AJ Rice, a couple class A dillholes posted the following over at Human Events, a website which touts itself as the “Headquarters for the Conservative Underground”:

Illegals in my yard.
Illegals in my yard.
Illegals in my yard.
Sixteen arrive in a stolen car[...]

They’re getting free organ transplants this Christmas.
They’re going to have anchor babies this Christmas.
They’re going to scream “sí, se puede” this Christmas.
Those illegals in my yard[...]

They’re going to spread bubonic plague this Christmas.
They’re going to bring me lots of bed bugs this Christmas.
They’re going to pass tuberculosis this Christmas.
Those illegals in my yard.

Aaaaaand, as soon as your head is finished exploding, take a gander at the comments section.  It’s enough to make me want to set myself on fire.  The only bit that saved me was this comment gem:

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Continues to Be Adequite!

Jesus H. Biscuits and gravy with a side of shrimp grits, y’all.  Lindsay Lohan continues to break my heart.  OK, she doesn’t really (although it’s true that I have a soft spot for her… and Britney),  but I did watch Mean Girls recently and she was just so damn good in it, TMIMO.  She was healthy, had a normal sized rack, her hair was the proper color, and well… she didn’t look like a cracked out whackadoodle.  But those days are long gone.  And maybe it’s time I poured some on the curb for my cracked out homey and just let go of the sadness.  This girl is beyond help.  She keeps callin’ it a comeback, but L.L. can’t even help her now.

Lindsay’s notion of a “comeback” seems to be all about sex and nekkidness.   Leggings with kneepads?  Check.  Nude photo shoot that is a failed attempt at paying tribute to Marilyn Monroe?  Check.  Nude photo shoot that is a failed attempt at paying tribute to the steamy decade-old relationship between British coke vacuum model Kate Moss and hot cup of Bale Johnny Depp?  Check.

From the New York Post:

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Yes.  A big fat YES.

This picture has been circulating the internet for a few weeks, but it wasn’t until last week that American Airlines addressed the issue.  Apparently, this ridiculously large man attempted to fly from San Francisco to Somewhere in the Universe with half of his ass blocking the aisle.  Airline attendants were all “no way, dude!” and found the dude sitting next to him a ticket on a later flight to give the huge dude the entire row to himself.

Federal aviation authorities investigated an Internet photo showing a massively fat flier’s flab oozing hazardously into the aisle of an American Airlines plane — but said yesterday that before the flight took off, attendants decided to give the man two extra seats, apparently in line with safety rules.

Worried that the severely obese passenger would block the plane’s aisle in an emergency, American cleared out the normal-sized guy in the adjacent seat by offering him a ticket on a later flight.

First of all, what?

Second of all, the?

Third of all, fuck?!

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There is a special place in hell for people like this

Fair warning: this might make you want to punch kittens. I’m glad there are no kittens around me at the moment, that’s for sure. I want to talk about Josh Woodward. Josh Woodward owns some fancy ass restaurants around LA. Well, it would seem that Josh made a baby with an anonymous woman. Josh, deciding that he didn’t want to be a father, hatched an evil plan to get rid of the baby. Mr. Asshole (which is what I will be calling him in the remainder of the article) allegedly acquired a drug called Misoprostol, a drug that is used for early abortions and to induce labor. Mr. Asshole allegedly put the drug on his hand and then touched the pregnant woman “in a sexual manner” which caused her to lose the baby a few hours later. She called the police and they had her set up Mr. Asshole the next day; they caught him with more of the substance and are waiting for test results to come back.

I can’t believe this shit. What kind of heartless bastard do you have to be to kill your own child? You didn’t want to be a father? Don’t raise the baby then! Oh wait, you probably didn’t want to have to pay child support. Die in a fire Mr. I own fancy ass restaurants! There is no excuse for this. NONE. I feel sorry for that poor woman, losing a child is a horrible thing. I think I need to look at something cute after reading this horrible story.

This cat is an elitist.  Perrier?  Pish posh!

Where are they now?

What’s happened to those internet darlings since their 15 minutes went bye bye? Do you lay awake at night wondering what’s become of Chris “Leave Britney Alone” Crocker who seems to have evaporated into dust? Glittery dust at that, and we’d expect nothing less. Dry your tears because she’s still alive and making magic in the art form of  YouTube videos.  Enjoy as you hear Chris impart her words of wisdom and gives us a peek into her exciting life. You’re welcome.

To date Chris, has been downloaded over 4 times and if you want to wear a t-shirt proclaiming you like to eat your cornhole, then you need look no further. And remember giiiirl, it’s a hair flip.

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Thank God I own a car.

The People Of Public Transit website was inspired by People of Walmart. It’s a simple concept: grab your camera and wait for the freak show to arrive. Like People of Walmart, POPT will never be at a loss for material.

Back in 1992 or ‘93, before the Internet hit it big, a friend of mine did a series for a photography class that he called The Bus People. He rode the bus for a week taking pictures of, you guessed it, people. I guess that makes him a visionary because he was way ahead of this popular trend. Let me tempt you with a few photos.

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God help the people of South Korea

As if the people of South Korea don’t have enough to worry about when it comes to living next door to Kim Jong Il, there is about to be a new menace they will have to be on the lookout for. Cha Sa-soon, a 68-year-old from Seoul, has finally passed the written driving exam. It only took her failing it 949 times to get it right. On the 950th time, she finally managed to pull a passing grade of  60% out of her ass.

Homegirl has been taking the exam nearly every day since April of 2005.  Cha has laid out more then five million won (that’s $4,200 in real money) on the application fees to keep re-taking the test.

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Of course it has to do with boobies, duh.

Oh, Japan, you come up with the cutest things!  You also come up with the most head-scratch-inducing products.  And, clearly, you don’t really know what women want.  Case in point, the novelty Nice Cup In Bra made by Triumph (pronounced in the fun Frenchy way).  Ostensibly designed to appeal to busy golfing women, this sexy(?) little corset can be unfurled to create a 1.5-meter-long putting mat.  You know, for those emergency putting situations.  When the golfer successfully putts into a cup, the bra offers words of encouragement.  Because women need constant stroking.  Women’s egos, I mean.  And so you don’t get caught without balls when you are without bra, the Nice Cup in Bra also has pockets for extra golf balls, tees and pencil.  To complete the set, there is a matching skirt with the admonishment to “Be Quiet!” on the butt-flap.  Ever ingenious, this skirt can become a flag because who in their right mind would putt into her bra without a flag.  That would be embarrassing.  

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All the best things in life start with setting something on fire and then running for your life

I don’t know who the first person was that got the idea to use black powder to shoot an anvil into the air was, but I do know this. It was a man. I’m not saying that to be sexist. All I’m saying is that only a dude would come up with something that is equal parts stupid, dangerous and awesome AND actually try it out.

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It reads like a headline from The Onion

October 30 was “Gay Eradication Day” in some backwards ass area of East Kingston, Jamaica.  I recall reading various articles about the rampant homophobia in Jamaica, but this is just so so wrong, I’m struggling to even find words to describe this travesty.

I’m baffled that this sort of shit is going on in the world.

Two weeks ago, the residents of McGregor Gully gave gay residents two weeks to leave-as in get the hell out of town.  Friday was the expiration of their “get out” period:

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Invites Them to See “The Gun Show,” Maybe Some Cartoons Later

Hey! Remember how Balloon Boy’s dad turned out to be an exploitative dooshface? And so are Jon and Kate? And Octomom? Well, you’ll stop thinking about those losers in just a second!

Giuliano Stroe, AGE THIS MANY (that’s five fingers) of Romania has become famous for his bodybuilding skillz. The boy’s dad, Iuliano Stroe, says that the kid’s been going with him to the gym since he was born, and has been training since he was THIS MANY (that’s two fingers.)

One could say that this is just how this particular father and son have “bonded,” and that it’s nice that they have shared interests. That’s if one weren’t willing to stop and consider questioning the motives of a father who would start a toddler on a rigorous weight-training schedule, and then put him in a bunch of competitions. But no worries! Papa Stroe says that “if he gets tired, we go and play.” Which is weird, because when I was five, I got tired FROM playing! This kid is just going and going all the time! People would pay good money to have that kind of energy! And the ability to pack on that kind of muscle! If only there were some kind of injection…

Oh.

“I’m at LEAST two”*

Last night I was mindin’ muh business, perusing Facebook, when an update appeared from Rev. Random. Most of you know the Rev. from the comment section and know she usually has something interesting, insightful, or hilarious to add, so my natural inclination was to click the link.  I did, and that’s when all reason left me and I was unable to function or form words for the next several minutes.   What she linked to was this: A story about a Louisiana Justice of the Peace who refused to marry an interracial couple. After reading the first few sentences I twitched, I spasmed, I twitched again and grunted, then finally I let out a stream of expletives that only stopped when my brain shut down in either self-defense, or what might be the first documented case of Tourette’s Overload.

Note: I know many of the hags and squeers are in interracial relationships, or as I like to call them, relationships, so you might want to tape your head before reading.

In the article, Justice of the Peace Keith Bardwell states, “he refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple out of concern for any children the couple might have. ” and that “it is his experience that most interracial marriages do not last long.”

That’s where I started twitching, but it wasn’t until after I tried to wrap my mind around his declaration that he wasn’t a racist that my brain broke. He said:

“I’m not a racist. I just don’t believe in mixing the races that way,” Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. “I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else.”

Recipe for cerebral hemorrhage : 1 part confusion, 1 part slack jawed awe at the absurdity, 2 parts anger, stir.

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Operation: Suck it Moon!

Seriously y’all.  NASA sent a missile into the moon.  It’s just crazy to me.  CRAZY, I say!  At 4:30 EST, NASA sent a rocket booster flying all crazy like into the moon in the attempt to confirm the presence of water on the moon.

What?

Yeah.  I don’t know.  I’ve been drinking.  I can’t really process anything right now.  It’s some H.G. Wells shit.

All I know is that we bombed the fucking moon and that just seems like sheer lunacy.  Get it?  Lunacy?  Lunar?  Lunacy?  Oh for the love of biscuits.  No one understands my pain.

What if there are people on the moon?  What if Johnny Moonsticks was all taking his kids for a walk on the moon and BAM!  A motherfuckin’ missile came shooting out of the sky and now Johnny Moonsticks, Jr. and Johnny Moonsticks, III are dead.  And Papa Moonsticks is looking around like “What the fuck?  Was that a MISSILE???!!!!”

Put THAT in your corn cob pipe and smoke it.

Even I can’t get behind this monstrosity. I mean… ew… just… ew…

Art Thou KIDDING ME?!?!

"Sure, end dogfighting. I don't have to pay for it, do I?"

First the Philadelphia Eagles and now BET is signing this guy!?  Seriously?

BET is partnering with Michael Vick’s production company (he has a production company!?) to produce a reality show for Vick, tentatively called The Michael Vick Project.

No, I’m not kidding.  Michael friggin’ Vick, dog killer extraordinaire, is partnering with Black Entertainment Television to produce a REALITY SHOW.  The show, according to its producers, will be different than ordinary reality shows and will be more serious in tone.  According to Radar Online, “The series will explore Vick’s past, his time in prison, his NFL comeback and his problems with his fiancé.”

Notably, the statement doesn’t expressly say that his reality show will explore the fact that he is a goddamn dog killer.  Additionally, because Vick is 20 million dollars in debt, there is, unsurprisingly, no word on whether any of the proceeds of the show will be donated to any animal organizations.

I seem to recall a faux contrite press conference during which Vick claimed that he wanted to set an example for kids and that he would attempt to begin to atone for his animal murdering sins.

We’re still waiting Vick.  Still waiting.

Free Polanski?!  SHAME ON YOU.

We here at Thundersquee! have pondered for a week what to do or say about Roman Polanski’s arrest at a film festival in Switzerland last week for fleeing the United States in 1978 after raping a 13 year old girl, and the resulting “Free Polanski” petition which members of the European and American film community, as well as designers, authors, and other artists have signed urging for Polanski’s release.

I speak only for myself when I say the following:  Roman Polanski is a revolting human being, and the artists who are rallying behind Roman Polanski are morally repugnant and should be deeply ashamed of themselves.

Whoopi Goldberg said it wasn’t “rape-rape.”

Debra Tate, the sister of Sharon Tate, Polanski’s wife who was murdered by the Manson family in 1969 told Matt Lauer on the Today Show that even though the girl was 13, it was consensual sex: “It was rape, but it wasn’t rape.”

Debra Winger accused the Swiss authorities of “philistine collusion” and said “This fledgling festival has been unfairly exploited, and whenever this happens the whole art world suffers.”

Every time another celebrity opens his or her mouth in defense of Roman Polanski, I lose all respect for that person.  Hell, anytime any one of my friends or acquaintances opens his or her mouth in defense of Roman Polanski, I lose all respect for that person.  Roman Polanski forcibly raped a 13 year old girl.  Full.Stop.

And after he fled the United States, this is what he had to say about it:

“If I had killed somebody, it wouldn’t have had so much appeal to the press, you see? But… fucking, you see, and the young girls. Judges want to fuck young girls. Juries want to fuck young girls. Everyone wants to fuck young girls!”

Which brings me to the reason for this post. A few months ago, we featured Natalie Portman as a Daily Bale. Well Natalie, we are un-baling you.  Any person who would sign a “Free Polanski” petition does not deserve to be featured as a Daily Bale on Thundersquee!

Shame on you, Natalie.  I have lost all respect for you.

I have also lost all respect for the following people:

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