More like, Crackbook.

Up until that last few months I’ve just logged onto the Faceybook (NO BACKSPACE!) to say “hi,” and see what my friends and family were up to. If you know me, like some of the Hags have recently learned, you know I’m not all that savvy on the computer. But I noticed all kinds of invites and hugs and the poking. Why do fools keep poking you? What is all this extra stuff? I normally ignored it and just read the news feed.

I recently made the mistake of accepting invites to Farmville and Cafe World. My life is ruined. Now my medulla oblongata is inundated with finding neighbors and cash crops. I haven’t been able to go to sleep without making sure I don’t plant any crops that will need to be harvested while I’m asleep. I also need to strategize that I will have enough food for the cafe and I’m ashamed to say I’ve been using a few cheats. What have I become? And, do you want to be my neighbor? Just askin.

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And here’s to you, Mrs. and Mrs. Robinson

Well this is interesting.  A researcher in Britain, Stephen Scott says that his research shows that children of lesbian couples do better in life than the offspring of heterosexual couples.  Stephen Scott, who is the director of research at the National Academy for Parenting Practitioners presented his new research at the launch of Demos, a new London-based think tank.

Stephen Scott, director of research at the National Academy for Parenting Practitioners, has said his research shows children from lesbian couples do better in life than the offspring of heterosexual couples.

His controversial position draws backing from research that suggests children with two female parents are more aspirational than those with opposite-sex parents. Some studies also also shows children with lesbian parents are no more or less likely to have tendencies towards homosexuality.

Research at Birkbeck College, part of London University, and Clark University in Massachusetts suggests that same-sex couples make good parents because children cannot be conceived accidentally - parents must make an active decision to adopt or find a sperm donor.

According to the naysayer Jon Davies, chief executive of Families Need Fathers: “Since all children will have a biological father the child has a right to know who that is. In most families where there will be a mother and a father, a father is needed to support them. But it is the quality of parenting that counts in the end regardless of the parents.“

Um okay.  Way to contradict yourself in the same breath.  Do kids need a father or is it the quality of parenting that counts?

I say it’s the latter.  What do you say?

The lawsuit blames the plane crash for DJ AM’s drug overdose. It totally makes sense. Except it doesn’t.

The estate of Adam Goldstein (aka DJ AM)  has filed a lawsuit against the charter company that was responsible for the fatal September 2008 plane crash involving Goldstein and Travis Barker of Blink 182.  The crash killed four of Barker and Goldstein’s friends; Barker and Goldstein were severely injured.  The lawsuit claims that the charter company ultimately was responsible for DJ AM’s overdose back in September.  Seriously.

The estate is alleging that after the plane crash, Goldstein fell off the wagon and turned back to drugs to deal with the pain and trauma of the crash:

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Probably

I was listening to a morning show this a.m., and there was a fun segment called “Does that make me crazy?”  The premise is that listeners call in with their quirks or OCDness and ask that famous question we all want the answer to.  ”Am I quirky or am I just crazy?”  I thought I’d pose the question here.

• I like to sleep on the side closest to the front door, so I can run if and when an axe murderer tries to attack me.  Does that make me crazy?
• I never put my face directly in the shower stream, because I think I may drown.  Does that make me crazy?
• I section my food in their own areas so my food never touches.  And if they touch, I refuse to eat cross-contaminated food.  Does that make me crazy?

Now it’s your turn to share.  What makes you a little on the crazy?

The Truth Hurts.

Paris Hilton, celebutard extraordinaire is pissed off at an advertising company in  Wellington, New Zealand because it  used her picture and the word “vacant” to advertise empty billboard space:

Hilton’s manager Jamie Freed said from Los Angeles Media5 had not gained permission to use the image and could expect to hear from her lawyers.

Media5’s Adam McGregor said the company was just having a “bit of fun” with the billboard, which was designed to draw attention to unsold display.

Ah New Zealand.  I heart ye.

Seems to me that “vacant” is appropriate. As is “This is a waste of space.”

It’s late and I can’t think of any other appropriate turns of phrase.  Can you?  Let me know in the comments section.

Plumbing Terminology List

So as some of you may know I work in the plumbing industry which means I come across some pretty humorous terminology on a daily basis. It’s with that first hand experience that I present to you the top ten dirty/funny plumbing terminology list. Sit back and enjoy the words that rule a large part of my life.

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The schadenfreude edition

I do it and I know you do it too. Don’t even try to hide it. I had to accept this as I watched Flipping Out. I love that show to bits and one reason is because Jeff Lewis is sick in the head. And guess what?  So am I. I knew this fact to be true as he laughed about a client being poisoned by a bug bomb and throwing up on the side of the house.

I tried very hard to be disgusted because that seemed the appropriate thing to do. My father spent most of his time teaching me to imitate human emotions. Wait, I’m thinking about someone else. I found that I couldn’t push down the bubbling laughter and I laughed along with him. But there were times when I’ve had to pretend I found a situation sad or ridiculous so as not to appear 10 years old. Like when I watch Super Dave. I laugh, laugh, laugh, but had a friend who thought it was the stupidest show on earth. We aren’t friends anymore.

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Seriously, WTF is up with Detroit?

Three runners died during the Free Press/Flagstar Half-Marathon in Detroit on Sunday. The 26, 36 and 65 year-olds all collapsed within 16 minutes of each other between the 11 mile mark and the finish line. All three were avid runners and in apparently good physical condition. The last time anyone died during this event was 1994 and it was during the full marathon. Toronto freaks out when three people die in a ten year span during their half-marathon. The fact is, you have a greater chance of being murdered than of dying while running. Even if you are a couch potato and especially if you live in Detroit. I seriously think everyone’s chance of dying increases 10 fold when they enter the city’s vicinity. I am an avid runner, but this is not a situation that would deter me from running. It may make me think twice about running if I am ever in Detroit.

Would this freak event cause any of you Squeers to stop/not take up running? I’m also interested in theories. What are your theories on why this happened? Conspiracy theories welcome.

Joy Butterworth

I don’t know about you, but I was hoping for something better. The contest was won by 15 year old Shayla Doty and 44 year old Cynthia Harmonof. Shayla and Cynthia will receive $500 and a year’s supply of syrup for guessing correctly.

Riddle me this Squeers.

How many bottles of Mrs. Butterworth’s do you think is a year’s supply? I asked my friend what he thought a years supply was and he said six, then he started laughing and asked me why I would even want to know.

I haven’t made pancakes or waffles for myself or anyone else for that matter in years, so six bottles seems a bit excessive for me.

How many bottles do you think a year’s supply would be?

Also, who do you think would win in a fight, Mrs. Butterworth or Betty Crocker?

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Tell Us! No Judgments! Probably!

Recently, a thought occurred to me.
I might be a doosh, y’all.
Allow me to explain.

There I was, driving along the 64, when the SUV in front of me swerved into the left lane. Then it swerved back into the right lane. Then it swerved BACK into the left lane, slowed down, and came back to the right lane, whereupon it began to pick up speed. My first thought wasn’t “I wonder if he’s drunk.” Nor was it “I bet he’s texting someone, or on the phone.” NOR was it “I hope that guy isn’t having a heart attack.” No. I thought NONE of these. My first, and lasting thought was “fucking Republican.”

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Look busy without being busy

This economy really sucks. A year ago I would be up to my eyes in paperwork and on the verge of a nervous breakdown because there was too much to do and too little time. Now I sit here trying to look busy and taking as long as possible with each task. Sometimes I daydream while looking at an email I read four times already.

Tell me, what do you do at work to make it seem like you are being productive?

The 80s movies edition

Have you ever read Nick  Hornby’s awesome opus, High Fidelity?  Fact is, I’m the protagonist…minus a few massive character flaws that leave me unable to commit to a relationship/not act like a tremendous douche.

But I have always, always been an audiophile.  Major live events are often filed away and categorized in my head by an accompanying playlist.  For example, when my late dad died, I listened to a lot of Johnny Cash (which the two of us used to listen to together as we prepared holiday feasts).  When I think about planning weddings, I think of Regina Spektor and Leigh Nash.

To me, fall isn’t about just football - it’s also about movie nights.  Let’s talk movie songs, shall we? (more…)

The Mandated Critical Day Has Arrived.

Yes. The last drunken holiday of the summer has come and gone. Now it’s back to work and to school. Sadly, many children from home schoolin’ wannabe families will not be partaikin’ in any lernin’ today. Why? Because the President is going to try brainwash them with with his “Stay In School” speech. It seems some people view staying in school and receiving a good education as part of a Socialist agenda. I believe this is because these people were never taught, in school, the meaning of the word Socialism. I’m not going to start a Socialism 101 class. All I’m going to say is, I’m sure these people will want their Medicare when they get older, and are probably very glad their parents have it.

The point I would like to make is, wouldn’t telling your children the president is wrong and evil be considered a form of brainwashing and indoctrination? Why not let your kids listen to the President, make up their own minds about what he has to say, and then sit down and discuss these ideas with them? That’s what I’m going to do. Yes, I am one of those Hippie, Open-minded, Progressive, Enlightened Parents. (HOPE) Most children are pretty smart and can smell bullshit a mile away. Even when it is coming from their parents.

I’m proud this country has a well-educated, articulate President who wants to share this with the Nation’s children. I don’t see how anyone could be opposed to this. Would you let your children (real or hypothetical) listen to the President’s speech?

First Draft Movie Lines

People on Twitter like to play games.  If you’re a Twitterer, you know what I’m talking about.  If you’re not, you probably ought to have your bedpan changed.

One of my favorites thus far was #1stdraftmovielines.  What you do is take a classic line from a movie, and reimagine it–what do you think the first draft of the movie line might have been?  What phrases were rejected before the screenwriters settled on the classic?  What is the most twisted version of the line you can think of, but still have it be recognizable?

It’s Labor Day coming up.  A long weekend.  Many beers and wieners will be shoved into mouths across the nation.  While you’re sitting there talking to Uncle Bobby, wondering why he’s such a “close talker,” grab your phone, open your browser, pop on over to Thundersquee! and hit us with your funniest shots.

Fire away.

Here are a couple examples to start you off:

“If you build it, they might show up.”

“I gave her my heart.  She gave me a number two pencil.”

“Go ahead.  Tempt me.  (I really want to shoot you in the face.)”

“I shall return shortly.”

What have you got?

Nuts on the half-shell

Do you have a poodle, yet wish it was a panda, camel, or uh, psychedelic experience?  Then you’re in luck, because apparently a group of lunatics artists felt poodles hadn’t suffered enough humiliation at the hands of groomers, and decided they made the perfect medium for their art.  Granted, some of the work is pretty damned impressive, but still… So, what’s your take?  Art? Cruelty? Adorable?  Humiliating?  All of the above? None of the above?

Full gallery after the jump.

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The Most Trusted Man in News

Well, it’s happened, folks.  The mainstream media has lost so much credibility that, according to an online poll conducted by TIME Magazine, Jon Stewart is the most trusted man in news.  He beat out Charlie Gibson, Katie Couric, and Brian Williams.

I, for one, watch the Daily Show… er… daily.  What about you?  Who do you rely on to tell it to you straight?  (Commence with the Anderson Cooper jokes….)

Source.

Matt Smith reveals the new doctor’s look

Each Doctor Who has their signature look, and the actor playing the doctor  plays a large role in defining it. David Tennant chose his trench coat and chucks, Tom Baker had his massive, colorful scarf, and now Matt Smith, with the help of a costume designer, has revealed his signature Who style.  It appears to be country professor punk dork.  This is a style that is rarely intentional, and it’s definitely a nod to time travel, but I’m not sold.  It’s nothing if not original, and I’m pretty sure we’ll see ill-fitting jackets, bow ties, rolled up jeans and Doc Martens on runways this fall, but does it create personality or is it just…fashion?

What’s your take?

Who’s You?

Some of the hags recently had a Facebook conversation wherein Cait mentioned that we would definitely rescue Stopthemadness from Albanian kidnappers, a la Taken. Obviously, I thoroughly agreed, and it made me jokingly mention a hag movie, which then led to wonder who I would want to play me.  I thought that would be a pretty easy question to answer, but it brought up a lot more questions for me, instead. Should I go with an actress who looks like an idealized version of me, or someone who has range and can portray me in an honest and fairly accurate way? What about someone whose personality is close to my own, but requires a lot of work to look like me (padding, for a start)?  Should I stick to the current pool of actresses or open things up to include everyone? Maybe I should just  go with someone I think kicks ass.  This should be easier!

I decided to stick with modern actresses, but those who at least share the same coloring as me are sparse.  I have brown hair and blue eyes, and while the first actress that comes to mind is Angelina Jolie, fuck that.  Yes, she’s gorgeous and intelligent, and maybe I would choose her if she were still the Angelina Jolie she was in Hackers, but now she’s too thin, too perfect and too beautiful.  Megan Fox also has dark hair and blue eyes, but hell to the motherfucking no.  After a series of ideas all ending in “no,”  I finally decided to scrap the eye color criteria  (Contact lenses for the win!), and was able to figure it out.  So here’s my choice.

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Tie a Yellow Ribbon ‘Round the Old Oak Tree, and then CUT IT DOWN!!

Hitler was an asshole.  We all know that.  Asshole is an understatement, really, when one is talking about a man who slaughtered millions of Jews, gays, Gypsies, and political dissidents just because his mother didn’t hug him enough as a child.

But, cutting down a tree more than 50 years after it was planted because you just found out the tree was planted to commemorate Hitler’s birthday?  Well, that’s just stupid.

Maria Krowska, mayor of Jaslo in Poland wants to murder a poor oak tree in the face because it was planted in 1942 to commemorate the birth of Hitler:

“We obtained information that this is no ordinary tree but was put here to mark Adolf Hitler’s birthday.  So should I try to improve our town’s communications or should I allow a memorial to that criminal to remain standing? The choice is simple for me.”

Well fine, if you put it that way.  But not everyone agrees with the mayor’s decision to yell TIMMMBER!!!  According to Kazimierk Polak, who was present at the planting ceremony back in 1942:

“It was 1942 when the Germans brought a seedling of an oak here and planted it in the center of the town with all honors, an army orchestra and salutes.  My father told me then that it was Hitler’s birthday and we found out later the seedling had come from Braunau am Inn (in Austria) where Hitler was born.  It’s a historic curiosity. What is the oak really guilty of? It’s not the tree’s fault that it was planted here to honor the biggest criminal and enemy of Poland.”

YEAH!  It’s not the tree’s fault that Hitler sucked.  Is it?  What do you think?  Cut the tree down or let it be?

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Source.

Pirates and Sharks and Storms

It seems that somebody thought it would be a good idea to let their kid sail around the world alone. Zac Sunderland is almost done with his journey around the world. Along the way he had a run in with pirates, mistakingly swam with huge sharks and had a storm almost rip his boat apart. When somebody asked him why his parents would let him do such a thing he laughed and said “I’ve been sailing all my life.”

That’s all fine and good but you still shouldn’t let your child sail around the world by himself. Did those parents not get the memo that teenagers do stupid things? The kid is doing his homework via email for crying out loud. At least make him wait until he graduated high school. Something about this just seems very irresponsible to me. Would any of you let you teenager embark on a voyage like this?