And Here’s How I’m Interpreting Them. Like It Or Not.

According to the Pew Research Center:

Statistic Uno) 57% of the country thinks gay couples should be allowed civil unions. FIFTY. SEVEN. PERCENT. OF THE COUNTRY! Sounds awesome, right? Sadly, the country won’t be put to a vote on this. For, like, eleventy million years or so. It’s a rough guess, but I think it’s close.

Statistic Dos)  49% of the country thinks hommaseckshuls are planning to turn our chirrun queer as a bunch of 3-dollar bills.

Statistic Tres) 52% of the country thinks abortion is morally wrong. I understand that. Seriously. Abortion is disturbing to me, too. But if Congress gets all up in my uterus, or anyone else’s? MY VAGINA WILL THROW THINGS. With prejudice (which means “In the face.” While screaming and throwing other things with my hands. Bricks and sharp pointy things, most likely. Don’t fuck with a woman’s right to choose what’s right for her own body, Congress. Not kidding. SHARP, POINTY THINGS. AIMED AT YOUR HEAD. Don’t forget, now!)

Statistic Cuatro) why did I choose Spanish for this? I BARELY SPEAK SPANISH! I speak Broken-Half-English-Nonsense! Anyways. Of those 52%, more than a third (35%) do NOT think homosexuality is a moral issue. DID ANYONE ELSE HEAR THAT? Of the 52% of people who think abortion is wrong, over half  do NOT think homosexuality is a moral issue. 9% of those think it’s morally acceptable. Why? Because they’re not A) morons (i.e., Sarah Palin ) or B) hateful (i.e., Rush Limbaugh.)

(more…)

Retail hell

A few months ago, I took a job that landed me on the ass end of the retail experience. According to the United States Department of Labor, unemployment in Michigan has risen to 15.2 percent.

Like many of the people of Michigan, I was faced with a choice. Take any job I could get and keep a roof over my head,or join a roving road warrior type band of outlaws in the abandoned areas of my state, notably Flint and Detroit. It was a no brainer for me. I’ve never been able to pull off the leather, sports equipment and feathers look. So, I took a job in a gas station/convenience store and returned to the world customer service.

Like anyone working in customer service, there are times when you just want to reach across the counter and smack the people you are being forced to wait on. Having been out of the customer service field for several years, I had forgotten how annoying and entitled people can be.

(more…)

And speaking in tongues

Occasionally a product comes along that you know is destined for greatness. This, dear squeers, is one of those products. It’s not often we stamp our giant Thundersquee! Squeel! of approval on something. We are some picky bitches, but try as we might, we can see no downside–except maybe that it has a portmanteau for a name, but if we can forgive Lewis Carroll, we can forgive this product.  After all, what has Carroll done for us lately? So without further ado, we introduce to you the Sqweel Oral Sex Simulator (batteries are even included). I wonder if we can get a Thundersquee! branded version…

Bon mots from the Witless

Kanye West IS the voice of our generation.  Er, decade.  Uh, well, he is, at least, the loudest voice.  Hear me out squeeple, I know I just blew your mind, but it is true: Kanye West IS the voice of our generation–just not in the way he intended.  He is the unintentional Oscar Wilde of the aughts and deserves plaudits and huzzahs for enriching our verbal tapestry.  I submit to you, my friends, that Kanye is, most definitely, a Quotable Quote. No other public figure is so easily conjured by just a few words and so useful in party situations.  He is in/famous enough to be a cultural touchstone and he runs off at the mouth often enough to consistently provide new fodder.  With just a partial quote you can lazily make jokes at his expense - and what are we, as a society, all about if not making lazy jokes at another’s expense?  We have put together an abridged guide to Kanye-isms, so you, too, can learn how to weave them into conversation for instant hilarity!  Order now!

(more…)

Facebook Status Update, DHURRVS

Say you’re a junior high school aged kid, and you and your friend are out walkin’, just chillin’, and somehow find yourselves in a storm drain, and can’t find your way out. That would be scary, right?

But wait! You have cell phones! HOORAY! You have two options.
Option One: you frantically text your whereabouts and state of terrified anxiety TO YOUR FACEBOOK PAGE. Then you frantically await to be notified of your friends’ replies! Which will likely go as follows:

“UR WHERE? THAT’S CRAZY LOL!”

“a storm drain? WHAT IS THAT? btw, i need my english notes back! cross ur fingers, test tomorrow lol hope I pass this time”

“srsly, only u 2 could get trapped in a fukn drain! lrofl!”

“rly? omg!  u ok?  don’t go anywr - gotta p brb”

“I alwys new u’d get trppd in a strm drn haha good luck lmaoroflbbq”

“wharrgarblwharrgarblwharrgarbl+otherstuff”

“shud i call someone? i’m calling someone. wait i’ll find the nmbr to 911. hang on.”

Option Two: you call emergency services, and not waste your cell phone batteries on fucking around with your friends, as that will delay your rescue by HOURS.

Obviously, you choose Option One, because YOUR PARENTS ARE IDIOTS WHO HAVE TAUGHT YOU NOTHING.

Your Body and You

Do you have questions about menstruation? Of course you do, no one expects you to know everything on your own. After you watch this video the mysteries of your body with be revealed.

(more…)

A very special PSA from Jujubees

I know we have all heard these “stories” from our government and their puppet agencies. But unlike the rest of you, I have my own infallible source. We will call him “Han Solo.” Because that was his nickname as a toddler. Sure, he’s only 11 years old. But he’s quite wise for his age. I knew this from the time he was a small fetus. Which is why I named him Solomon - I mean, “Han Solo.”

He never fails to get me with, “I see your epidermis.” He was right about that. I, too, could see my epidermis.

I’m rambling.

But unlike all these so called “experts.” And their 7-9 day infections period. Talking about high infectious rates. It’s supposedly a mutation of a previous flu strain of swine origin. Does that not sound suspicious to you, too? (more…)

St. Patrick’s Day Factoid Edition

It’s after midnight in Ireland, therefore St. Patrick’s Day is over. Feel free to continue or begin drinking anyway.  I hope yours was great.

St. Patrick’s Day Factoid Edition

Bono is a twat.

St. Patrick’s Day Factoid Edition

The name Kermit is Irish-Gaelic for “free man,” yet Kermit the Frog was slave to a muppeteer.  Ironic, huh?

St. Patrick’s Day Factoid Edition

The harp is the national symbol of Ireland.  It’s also a brand of Irish lager.  Add the last part to the tasty list.

St. Patrick’s Day Factoid Edition

One of Ireland’s native games is called hurling, which despite its name does not normally involve vomiting.  Instead it involves people smacking the hell out of a ball and beating each other with sticks.  But, don’t hold me to that.

St. Patrick’s Day Factoid Edition

Actress Jill Ireland–not from Ireland.

St. Patrick’s Day Factoid Edition

The Irish aren’t really all leprechauns who hoard Lucky Charms, although I bet the most anemic of them have pink hearts.

St. Patrick’s Day Factoid Edition

Much like Wales, Ireland is really pretty.  Clicking the photo will take you to more photos that will make you wish you were not where you are right now, unless you’re in Ireland.

St. Patrick’s Day Factoid Edition

Guinness, Murphy’s,  Bailey’s, Carolan’s, Jamesons, and Bushmill’s all Irish and all fucking tasty.

St. Patrick’s Day Factoid Edition

There are 4.4 million people in the Republic of Ireland, yet there are 44 million people of Irish descent in the U.S. alone.

St. Patrick’s Day Factoid Edition

Since 1990, the Republic of Ireland has had two presidents, both of whom are female.  They are Mary Therese Winifred Robinson and Mary McAleese.

St. Patrick’s Day Factoid Edition

Ireland is the world’s largest exporter of bananas.