Hey, kids. Stay in school. Your moms are getting sick of you.

It’s time for everyone’s favorite game show, “Seinfeld Theme Song or Bjork Song?”

The clue: Scada da ba p!

Slap a man in the face and you will laugh for a moment. Teach a man to slap himself in the face and you will laugh for a lifetime.

If I ever heard the voice of a ghost, I’d be like “Talk to the hand, spirit!” and then if the spirit shut up, I would laugh at it, because oh my gosh what is this 1994?

When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway. But I also would have accepted, when it turns into a scary swamp monster that can walk and talk and wants to eat you.

It’s a fee country.

I just saw an ad that said, “Never diet again!”

Sweet, I can do that! I didn’t even have to click.

Have no fear, I am here, Get used to it.

Wait, I got my sayings mixed up.

All the best artists are addicts, and all the best addicts are artists.

Relationships are basically a really involved form of trick or treat. You pretty much just put on a mask and cross your fingers.

I was driving in a new neighborhood yesterday, and I went too far down the road. Once I realized it, I turned around at the next opportunity, which was actually a church’s parking lot.

Did you just spray Febreze in here?

When God closes a door, he opens a window.

I’m not trying to get predictably literal. It’s just that this essentially means that God would remove the most pleasant way out of a situation, and provide instead an unobtainable glimpse of freedom. Did he just want there to be a smaller opportunity for freedom? Did he get himself stuck in there, and he’s a little claustrophobic? Does he just think you keep the house way too cold? Does he prefer fresh air to house air? Couldn’t he just make another door, and open that one? For that matter, can’t he just open the same door back up? If he just wants the window open, why did he have to close the door? Which is bigger? It is a sliding glass door? Does the window go to the same place the door does, or somewhere else? Why doesn’t he stop focusing attention on the window, and just make the room itself a nicer place to be?

If you can even hear me, SEC, I don’t think I believe in you anymore.

I’ve always heard people make fun of elderly women by referring to them as Grandma Moses. Turns out that she was a cool lady, and she’s a good example of someone finding real success pretty late in life. The woman’s an inspiration. Think of that next time you call someone Grandma Moses, and reconsider whether you want to pay them such a compliment. Brainstorm in advance for some other insulting names instead. I’d offer you some suggestions but I’m not some jerk who insults people just for being old.

You know what is so trendy? Atheism.

I refuse to settle for less than second-best.

My psychological clock is ticking.

Hannah Montana Hannah Montana bo Bannah Montana, banana fanna fo Fannah Montana, fe fi mo Mannah Montana. Hannah Montana.

(Hat tip to my mother for calling me as soon as she thought of this.)

All the good ones are married or emo bitches.

Tonight the whole neighborhood’s power went out for two hours. That’s right. Not so smug anymore, are you, Earth Hour.