Music Edition

You know who kicks ass? Faith No More. Yeah, you heard me. Clutch also kicks ass and puts on one hell of a show. If you’ve never heard Clutch you need to. I’m serious. Some people say I’m strange because I will switch from Faith No More, to Pantera, to Britney Spears to Leonard Cohen. I don’t care what those people say; I like good music. I figure once you’re out of high school you shouldn’t have to worry about people not liking you because of the music you listen to so I just enjoy the things I like. I just followed up Radiohead with some Dr. Dre. I want to know what you guys like. What do you listen to when you’re alone?

Random Drunk Speak Edition

I don’t really have anything profound to say. I’m really drunk at this point and just enjoying life in general. I’ve had a really crappy couple of weeks and it’s just nice to sit and relax and get my thoughts out in print.

I have a really bad habit of keeping my feeling bottled up inside because I don’t like to cause drama. I find it’s much easier to deal with inner drama than deal with drama with people that are not myself. It’s really hard to argue with myself when both sides have such strong arguments. I love my friends and my family but I have a world all my own inside my head. It’s quiet there, everything is serene and I feel at peace when I go there. Being alone with my thoughts is pure bliss to me.

As you might have noticed, I become very strange when I drink sometimes. Usually I get like this when I drink cheap beer, it’s my body’s way of battling a hangover. I guess all I want to say is when the world keeps kicking you in the vagina or nuts just go inside yourself to find peace. Sit in a quiet room and just crawl inside your mind, it’s the only place in this world where anyone will every truly understand you. There’s a saying, “you are your own worst enemy” but I think you can also be your greatest ally.

Evil all around us edition

Take note, dear Squeers! Evil lurks among you! I speak not of murdering bastards; I am talking about things that hurt. Have you ever banged your knee on your desk? Have you broken your toe by hitting it on the corner of the wall? These things are not coincidence; inanimate objects are conspiring against us. They lay in wait for the right moment to inflict terrible pain against us. You feel silly when you call the wall an asshole because you just broke your big toe by accidentally running into it, but you need not feel silly. The wall hears you and it laughs because it knows you never suspected its evil plan.   Heed my words: inanimate objects are assholes.  (This isn’t the first time you’ve been warned you about the dangers of asshole inanimate objects.)  Remember this next time you fall down the stairs for no reason.

Swarm Edition

We had major drama at work today. I went in the warehouse and there was one bee, a couple of hours later there were a few bees. Later in the afternoon a swarm of stingy death decended upon our humble building. I watched laughing hysterically as bees bombarded my boss. The swarm has decided that the dumpster area is a swell place to kick it. I feel sorry for the warehouse guys that have to endure stingers every time they need to dump some garbage. We are sending in bee death in the next few days but until then danger will be lurking in the place where our garbage goes. Be wary of the bees and their sharp venomous vengence. Bees are assholes.

Cloudy Skies With No Chance Of Rain Edition

As most of you may know, I live in the Valley Of The Sun Stroke. We are currently in our “monsoon” season which means it’s humid as hell but it never rains more than two drops. Take today for instance: Cloudy as hell with 50% humidity and not a drop of freaking rain. I’m originally from east Texas for god’s sake; I need rain. I can’t figure out for the life of me why I decided to move to a place that’s hotter than Satan’s ass. Many of the hags live in places where there is snow and rain and actual weather and I can’t help but envy them. The forecast yesterday? Partly cloudy and over 100 degrees. Tomorrow? Partly cloudy and over 100 degrees. Forecast for the next three months? Partly cloudy, sometimes sunny and over 100 degrees. Please Jebus, send winter soon.

Hair On The Couch Edition

I love my pets, I really do. That being  said, what is up with all the hair on the furniture? Seriously, I spend 30 minutes getting that crap off and they sit there for 2 minutes and it’s completely covered again. I know a lot of you have pets, so you must share my pain. I don’t want to shave the poor bastards, so I just have to spend every day extracting cat hair from various surfaces. It’s OK though, because they are cute and I’m fairly certain they don’t know they are annoying the crap out of me by leaving a mess. Damn you and your cuteness cats!

Sci-fi Edition

I’m a sucker for a good sci-fi movie or show. I can’t help it. I know it makes me a dork, but it’s like witnessing a car crash.  I just can’t look away. I’ve had a sick obsession with Dr. Who for awhile now. I’ve seen every episode but I keep watching them over and over. Today I found myself watching Aliens for the eleventy-billionth time. Anything that has to do with outer space or aliens will do really. I hate the series Star Trek, but I saw the movie and now I can’t get it out of my head. The movie was freaking amazing. I often wonder what my life would be like if these things weren’t fiction but, in fact, reality. Would I be happy living through these events?  Would I be scared and confused? There’s something oddly romantic and fascinating about the unknown, and the dreamer inside me loves the idea that someday the impossible could be possible. I’ll pass on the tin foil hat–I want to be aware when the impossible becomes possible.

I has booze and wants food

I am on a mutha effin’ diet and I hate it. I LOVE FOOD! Cheese, bread, pizza, burgers, fries…I hate dieting. I find the older I get the less I can eat. I remember the days when I could eat anything I wanted whenever I wanted and not get over 97 lbs. Oh, how things have changed. I even started throwing up half my meals for awhile, but I felt so guilty that I stopped. It’s not even that my husband finds me unattractive (because he doesn’t), it’s that I’ve never been this size before and it scares me. Every year I seem to get a little heavier even though my eating habits don’t change. I know it’s just the fact that I’m older and my metabolism has slowed down, but I still feel ashamed. It’s hard when you’re not 15 anymore. Every year you look in the mirror and see lines that weren’t there before and notice that you don’t have the body you have before. My body isn’t bad, it’s just not what I remember.

Whenever I get down, I try to find the good things about me. I find it helps. What is it about you that makes you feel good about yourself on the worst of days?

COPS Edition

Why is COPS so fun to watch? Every episode is the same but I can’t stop watching it. Is it because watching crack heads and wife beaters get arrested makes me feels better about myself or is it because these people make asses out of themselves on national tv? They know it’s going on COPS because they have to sign a waiver in order for COPS to use their image.

I get an extra shot of glee when the episode is shot in the city I live in. Maybe I’m just bored? Who knows. All I know is that I must not be the only watching this show because it’s be on the air for eleventy years or something.

Beer Edition

I really enjoy dark beer but recently I’ve found myself drinking the likes of Coors and Michelob Ultra. These aren’t bad beers, but they’re not as potent or tasty as their dark counterparts. Why is it that light beer is only 8 bucks for a 12-pack, but dark is at least $11? It no secret that I enjoy my alcoholic beverages; after all, I have a weekly column entitled “Random Drunk Emissions.” So it’s very sad when I resort to drinking cheaper, lighter beer to save cash. May this economy “down in flames.”

Beer is just the tip of the iceberg. So many people need so many things right now, but they don’t have the money because they don’t have the jobs. It’s sad that there’s all this suffering yet every news channel has every detail about Obama’s new puppy. We like to distract ourselves from the really shitty things; reality hasn’t been fun for a while now, so our beer budgets go up while our income goes down. At some point escapism isn’t going to be enough and I fear what will happen when it comes to that point. Now I find myself thinking too deeply on such things, so I’m going to pet my cat, drink my beer and watch Squidbillies. Peace be with you, and may you be excellent to each other because everybody needs some excellence in their lives right now.

People who love themselves too much Edition

It’s ok if you like who you are; in fact it’s awesome. Some people, though–all they seem to talk about is themselves. It doesn’t matter what you are talking about, they will always find a way to make the conversation about how great THEY are. They go on and on until I become suspicious. (I am a naturally paranoid person, so I become suspicious much more quickly than others.)

Why are you telling me how great you are? Why should I care that your house is big and you have pretty hair? Is it important for me to know that you never work out and yet somehow you’re still a size 2?

You’re screwing with me aren’t you?  You’re trying to give me some sort of complex!!! Well screw you, Miss Perfect!  For your information, I already have a complex, so I don’t have time for the one you’re trying to give me.

Now if you’ll excuse, I have to go make sure I locked the front door forty more times before I go to bed.

Fix It Edition

My husband says if I had a superhero power, I would be “The Failer,” but he’s wrong.  (He’s joking of course. I would stab him with a fork otherwise.)

My true superhero power is fixing other people’s mistakes. I might not ever have a dime to my name but I’m a freaking ninja when it comes to getting stuff in order. Your order isn’t shipping fast enough? I’ve got it covered. Your pricing was wrong and now you’re being invoiced for double what you should pay? No worries, I’m on it. You got shipped the wrong item and you need the new one by tomorrow or you’ll be fired? Grab a margarita my friend, it’s taken care of.

I get paid well for my ability to take a shitty situation and make it 50-90% less shitty. It’s what I do. Sleep well, fair city, Deimos is on the job. I totally need a cape and mask to wear to work. Also, I need to master my mysterious voice so I can confuse unsuspecting customers.

Chips

Not the kind of chips I need

Why is it some chips are only good when you’re drinking? I like Doritos no matter what state I’m in but Funyuns are only good when I’m under the influence of some sort of substance.  Also, why is it that some grape sodas are so good but others taste like death in liquid form? And why does peanut butter have to be so damn sticky? Can’t we make a form of peanut goodness that doesn’t leave our mouths feeling like the desert? I like gum for about 10 minutes but then my jaw gets tired and I just end up loathing the fact that I had a piece in the first place.  Anyway, I need some chips.

Common common common common common chameleon

We interrupt the weekly Random Drunk Emission for this important message. I don’t have any beer and without beer I can not ramble about random stuff. To make up for this I leave you with this little guy. I swear I’ll get drunk soon; don’t worry.

Almond Joy Edition

Do any of you people eat Almond Joys? Anyone? I’ve asked everybody this question and everybody says “no,” so that makes me question why they’re still on sale. I can say I’ve never tasted one. They might taste like the walls of heaven but I wouldn’t know because for some odd reason I can’t bring myself to eat something called “Almond Joy.”

Sometimes I think I’m odd.

Old People Ask Questions They Already Know The Answer To…

And then they ask the same question again and again and again. Now, I know some can’t help it because their mind is fading but some do it just because they like to. For example, one sweet old lady I know claims that she cannot hear. We got her a hearing aide, one of the best. She often asks “what’s that water noise” when the washing machine in the room that is on the oppisite side of the house is on but for some reason I have to repeat myself 4 times when I’m sitting six inches away from her. I know your game, you want attention so you just act like you never hear what I say so I have to talk to you twice as long. I don’t fault you for it because I know it sucks to be lonely and I can’t imagine what it must feel like to be in your shoes. Seriously though, cut the shit. We could spend a lot more quality time together if you would drop the act and just let me talk to you like you’re an adult. Just because everybody else treats you like you’re less than capable of functioning on a normal human level because you happened to make it to the age of 90 doesn’t mean I want to treat you the same. I think you’re awesome and instead of asking you if you need me to walk you to the bathroom or cut your steak for you I’d like to talk about the things you’ve seen in your life. You’re not dead yet so why stop living because the young are uncomfortable by the fact that one day they will be in your shoes?

The Fiction Corner: Wherein Lie the Dreams

I find myself wandering into the place where my fondest childhood memories lay. It’s a minnow shop where my grandpa use to take me before we’d go fishing in my Uncle Gary’s pond. We use to select only the finest minnows and buy pop and candy before our day out at the pond.

In the corners of the room lay four stones I’ve never seen before. One is shaped like a hand, the other like a star and the remaining two are a shape I can’t identify. In the center of the room is the most beautiful being I’ve ever laid eyes on; it’s so beautiful it brings tears to my eyes.

I’m only a child at this point; a blonde haired, blue eyed innocent that can’t comprehend the beauty of what lies before her.

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Why Men Need Women

We nurture them when they feel insecure. We are their strength when they can’t carry on. They like to feel like they carry the weight of the world on their shoulders but at the end of the day it’s their women to whom they confide their deepest fears. We embrace them despite their faults, and hold them up when they are close to falling. A woman will take her man’s pain and add it to her personal heartache just so he doesn’t have to bear it alone.

For all of our bitching and complaining we hold a lot on our shoulders. So ladies, when you’re not feeling like you’re good enough or strong enough, just think of the pain you’ve shouldered for your friends or lovers and hold your head up high. We know the meaning of compassion and often embody the term.

Why Being a Female in the Plumbing Industry Is Annoying

Today I had to stay after work for 2 hours for a training course. We invited some wholesalers to join us because we represent the line and we want their business. In walks a group of good old boys. As they shove as much pizza down their throats as humanly possible, they joke about how a woman should be serving them drinks. We eat and everybody gets settled in to start learning about toilets and faucets.

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Rambling Edition

Dude, are you digging this air? This air is totally awesome. It was raining in the valley of the sun stroke today and I was able to enjoy more that I usually would because I’m on all sorts of cold medicine. At first I said “may you down in flames” to my cold but now I embrace it. There is wet stuff falling from the sky! What is this rare but wonderful liquid paradise? Can I bottle it and sell it at absorbent prices? Alas, my joy shall be short lived because the bastard sun shall send it’s death beams towards my pale vampire skin again by tomorrow. Note to self: find a way to kill bastard sun beams in the face or create a force field that will block them and/or make me rich with the promise of blocking them.