If you don’t think Sarah Palin is qualified to be President…then you’re probably gay.

You betcha!

Or at least according to the legions of whackos in the comments section of Free Republic.

The GOP has a problem… the howling and screaming coming from the most insanely neocon faction of its party is growing louder. That voice includes the mind-numbingly annoying shriek of Sarah Palin who, despite being totally incompetent, looks like a likely candidate for either the GOP or for some nascent Tea Party Party, even though members of her own party refuse to say out loud that she is qualified. It’s like saying “Bloody Mary” three times in front of a mirror; the likelihood is that nothing bad will happen, but it’s best to keep your yap trapped on the off chance you’ll turn around and find some crazy lady humming the Battle Hymn of the Republic while wielding a bloody knife rifle.

Last month Haley Barbour, Mississippi Governor and President of the Republican Governor’s Association wouldn’t/couldn’t say she was qualified. A couple days ago, House Minority Whip Eric Cantor also dodged the question.

People. SHE’S NOT QUALIFIED.

Here’s how the exchange should go when a question about Sarah Palin’s presidential qualifications is posed:

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As if we didn’t know.

Nineteen Republican House members have introduced a resolution that would remind us not to mess with Christmas because it’s awesome and it will kick your ass.  OK, it doesn’t say that, but seriously?  Are we still talking about this fake war on Christmas?   Don’t these people have something better to do?

Whereas Christmas is a national holiday celebrated on December 25; and

Whereas the Framers intended that the First Amendment of the Constitution, in prohibiting the establishment of religion, would not prohibit any mention of religion or reference to God in civic dialog: Now, therefore, be it

Resolved, That the House of Representatives-

(1) recognizes the importance of the symbols and traditions of Christmas;

(2) strongly disapproves of attempts to ban references to Christmas; and

(3) expresses support for the use of these symbols and traditions by those who celebrate Christmas.

To be fair, the Democrats are just as stupid, having sponsored a bill celebrating the 2,560th birthday of Confucius last month.  Seriously?  How about fixing the damn economy.  How about fixing healthcare.  How about doing SOMETHING.

I’m fed up y’all.

Because opinions are like assholes - and sometimes they ARE assholes.

Expert on the black experience, Rush Limbaugh, took to the air yesterday to describe the “black frame of mind“ for his listeners.  You see, African Americans are being kept down by The Black Man, rather than just The Man.  What is this based on?  A soundbite from Jesse Jackson, of all things.

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Depends on what your definition of “is” is.

As you know, Lady Gaga recently met the Queen (God save her) who remained, as far as we know, unmolested.  What you may not know is that a butt-load of other performers, most with questionable outfits if not acts, also met said geriatric. According to the Daily Mail, which, uh-huh is too a reputable news source (OK, I choked on that), Cyrus had the most daring outfit of the evening.  Because she was mostly nekkid.  Now, maybe I am just jaded with respect to shorts, but let us compare:

Gaga did a latex Elizabethan number - taking the revered symbol of the Brit monarchy and beginning of Queen rule, bondaging it up and performing in her Queen-Loves-Latex outfit before the current Queen.  I’d say that is pretty daring.  Gaga also played on a piano inspired by Dali (elephant legs from the Temptation of Saint Anthony) on a seat suspended from the rafters.  Also pretty daring.

Miley Cyrus, on the other hand, wore leather hot pants, gesticulated at her crotch and had back-up dancers who looked dangerously thin, if not dangerously old.  She also met the Queen in an orange prom dress that left her tiny tatters on display.  That is daring, I guess?  As in daring the Queen to backhand your sassy mouth, young lady, so go wash that paint off of your face!

Arguably, Cyrus was more “daring” in teh secksie sense, but TMIMO Gaga had “daring” in the bag in the thought-provoking sense.  The English language, isn’t it fun!

Anyhow, pictures of the non-Gagas after the jump.

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Continues to suck.

Sam Tanenhaus’s review of Sarah Palin’s book Going Rogue is worth a read.  Buried in his review in the New Yorker (soooooo deliciously elitist), one can find this crispy fried morsel of WTF:

Palin, though notoriously ill-travelled outside the United States, did journey far to the first of the four colleges she attended, in Hawaii. She and a friend who went with her lasted only one semester. “Hawaii was a little too perfect,” Palin writes. “Perpetual sunshine isn’t necessarily conducive to serious academics for eighteen-year-old Alaska girls.” Perhaps not. But Palin’s father, Chuck Heath, gave a different account to [Scott] Conroy and [Shushannah] Walshe [authors of 'Sarah From Alaska']. According to him, the presence of so many Asians and Pacific Islanders made her uncomfortable: “They were a minority type thing and it wasn’t glamorous, so she came home.”

Words can’t describe the degree to which this woman chaps my ass.

Ding dang, y’all!

The New York senate did not pass it’s gay marriage bill.  The measure failed 24-38 and I, for one, am PISSED.  How in hell?!  I may have to run for office.  Listening to the debate, what is amazing is that the rhetoric against equal rights was steeped in religion.  How these senators’ heads don’t explode from cognitive dissonance, I will never know.  There are no words for my anger, so I will just say >:(

They’re Also Okay With “I’m Not Quite Dead Yet,”  “I Feel Fine!” and “Really, I Think I’ll Go For A Walk!”

Welp, y’all, it’s not a big secret that I have issues with the LDS community. Some of you may remember my rants on The Site That Shall Not Be Named - but for those who weren’t privy to those rants, here’s a list of reasons, showcased rantily. (Yeah. I KNOW “rantily” isn’t a word. If you’re not cool with that, well, you can leave. Don’t let the door knock some rantiness into you on your way out.)

A) There’s that whole “Mark of Cain” thing… apparently, according to the Book of Mormon, black folk are the accursed descendants of Cain (you know. The Bad Twin in the Biblical “Cain and Abel” duo.) According to The Book Of Mormon, black people are black BECAUSE OF GOD’S CURSE on Cain for murdering Abel. In fact, It’s God’s punishment to the whole world, apparently, for Abel’s murder.  Cain’s descendants are black, and therefore made of da eeeeebil.

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In Related News, It WAS Opposite Day.

First, Fox News was so embarrassed by Palin’s stupidity that they had to correct her about her deliciously asinine assumption that Obama is in charge of whether or not there’s God-stuff on our coins. Then on Friday night, Bill O’Reilly asked her questions that I’m pretty sure left her wishing she were being interviewed by Katie Couric. And no, I am not making this up.

O’Reilly: You pointed out his [Obama's] lack of experience — you don’t have that much experience. You walked away from the governorship after, what, two years? Two and a half years?

Palin: Going into my lame-duck session — my fourth legislative session — and not wanting to put Alaskans through a lame-duck session –

O’Reilly: OK, but is it fair for you to criticize Obama’s lack of experience when somebody could make the same criticism about you on the national stage.

Palin: If you’re talking about executive experience, I would put my experience up against his any day of the week. I have been elected to local office since 1992, and was a city manager, strong-mayor form of government, was a chief executive of the state, and was an oil and gas regulator. There was some good experience there that could have been put to use in a vice presidential ticket. We’ve to remember too that I wasn’t running for president.

O’Reilly: No, but that’s the key question. Because John McCain is up there in years, you had to be qualified to take that office over.

Palin: Right. But I — I’m saying I was running for vice president, just like Joe Biden had been running for vice president. I never once heard you or anybody else question Joe Biden and his experience.

O’Reilly: Well, he’s got a lot of experience.

Now, I should point out that I saw (and by “saw,” I mean “did a bunch of other stuff while this interview blathered on in the background”) the rest of this interview, and he’s mostly kissing her ass and trying to make out with her the rest of the time, as per his contract with Mr. Murdoch. And I’m pretty sure these are the hardest questions she’s been - or will be - asked while on her book tour. But STILL, y’all! Color me “well, THAT was unexpected.”

Liberal Media pulls a Katie Couric and asks for examples.

Hot damn, Gotcha Journalism in the mall, y’all!

“You get a sense of Sarah Palin’s supporters here.  They feel a connection with Sarah Palin.  They can’t be specific in some cases about the issues…” 

Was that a fabeled double-snap?  I think it was; clearly Nora O’Donnell studied under a Snap Master.

To be fair I don’t think many people know the difference between the bail-out and the stimulus package?  Maybe?  Ok, how about, to be fair I think that most people think politicians are about tearing down, rather than upholding the Constitution.  No?  What about, most people think that Palin is a real person, as opposed to, you know, a robot.  Yep, that one works.

Do the Right Thing Bahamas!

The pink countries are where marital rape is more or less illegal.**

The Bahamas has proposed a new Amendment to their Sexual Offenses Act. The amendment proposes to remove the term “who is not his spouse” from section 3 of the current act. What is section 3 you ask? The rape statute.

The Bahamas, like the majority of counties in this world have made marital rape a legal impossibility under the law – even though the UN declared marital rape a violation of Human Rights in the 1993 Declaration on the Elimination of Violence Against Women. Did I mention that the Bahamas are a member of the UN? Lets not just beat up on the Bahamas; the UN has 192 members but there are only 104 countries with laws against marital rape.

Why, pray, tell would a country keep marital rape legal? It’s a really basic marital unity argument: when you marry you become one and you can’t rape yourself. There is also a religious factor– when a couple marries, God decrees their bodies are each others. For the record, however, the Catholic Bahamian church has come out in support of the Amendment. Do the right thing Bahamas!

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Yep, still glad I voted for Obama.  You betcha.

Palin was shilling her conspiracy theories - you know when she asks a ridiculous rhetorical question, her I’m-not-saying-I’m-just-saying approach to politics - and got called out by Fox.  Woah.  Hey P-dog, sanity, ur doin it rong.

White People Think He’s Scary and Black People Think He’s a Damn Fool

Michael Steele is a bit of a noob.  He lives in Gaffe City with Joe Biden.  Recently he said that white Republicans are scared of him.  Oh yeah.  He said that shit in a recent interview with Roland Martin for TV One:

MARTIN: One of the criticisms I’ve always had is Republicans — white Republicans — have been scared of black folks.

STEELE: You’re absolutely right. I mean I’ve been in the room and they’ve been scared of me. I’m like, “I’m on your side” and so I can imagine going out there and talking to someone like you, you know, [you're like,] “I’ll listen.” And they’re like “Well.” Let me tell you.

Um, Michael?  Probably NOT a good idea for the RNC Chairman, the black RNC Chairman to torpedo his own party  by claiming white Republicans are scared of black people.  I mean, really?  Maybe when you’re in the room they’re not scared of you, they just see you for the dumbass that you are.   What the hell is wrong with you, son?

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And Here’s How I’m Interpreting Them. Like It Or Not.

According to the Pew Research Center:

Statistic Uno) 57% of the country thinks gay couples should be allowed civil unions. FIFTY. SEVEN. PERCENT. OF THE COUNTRY! Sounds awesome, right? Sadly, the country won’t be put to a vote on this. For, like, eleventy million years or so. It’s a rough guess, but I think it’s close.

Statistic Dos)  49% of the country thinks hommaseckshuls are planning to turn our chirrun queer as a bunch of 3-dollar bills.

Statistic Tres) 52% of the country thinks abortion is morally wrong. I understand that. Seriously. Abortion is disturbing to me, too. But if Congress gets all up in my uterus, or anyone else’s? MY VAGINA WILL THROW THINGS. With prejudice (which means “In the face.” While screaming and throwing other things with my hands. Bricks and sharp pointy things, most likely. Don’t fuck with a woman’s right to choose what’s right for her own body, Congress. Not kidding. SHARP, POINTY THINGS. AIMED AT YOUR HEAD. Don’t forget, now!)

Statistic Cuatro) why did I choose Spanish for this? I BARELY SPEAK SPANISH! I speak Broken-Half-English-Nonsense! Anyways. Of those 52%, more than a third (35%) do NOT think homosexuality is a moral issue. DID ANYONE ELSE HEAR THAT? Of the 52% of people who think abortion is wrong, over half  do NOT think homosexuality is a moral issue. 9% of those think it’s morally acceptable. Why? Because they’re not A) morons (i.e., Sarah Palin ) or B) hateful (i.e., Rush Limbaugh.)

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And Yes, My Vagina Is Predictably Angry.

This is going to be a short one. I will spare you the rageful rant that you may have been expecting - not because I’m not angry, and lawd knows not because I don’t love to rant - but because I’m so bitterly disappointed in my beloved home state that I can barely stand to talk about it anymore. I started ranting last night, continued ranting until the wee hours of this morn, had ranty dreams while I slept, and woke up feeling exhausted and heartbroken. I have a huge amount of respect for the people who are trying to see the “bright side” in all this by pointing out that while the vote was defeated, it was a close one at 53% to 47%. I admire optimism, despite my penchant for rage. But the bottom line is that 47% wasn’t good enough, and that makes me so sad. In my heart AND in my pants.

In case you missed the link in stm’s last post, here’s Pajiba’s brilliant take.

Seriously.  They have located Waldo.  Joe Biden is still MIA.

I don’t know all that much about Joe Biden.   I know that he used to be the Senator from some small state.  (Delaware?  or is it Rhode Island?)  Just kidding, I know it’s Vermont.  I know Obama picked him to be his running mate and I guess that means he’s Vice President now?

Well, where the hell is he?  Seriously?  What the hell is he doing?  I’ve heard squat about Biden over the last ten months.  SQUAT.  Hell, a Google search reveals that he seems to have disappeared into a media hole at some point.

Google returns 7,020,000 results for a search for “Joe Biden.”

Google returns 74,700,000 results for a search for “Barack Obama.”

What the?  And yes, this “Google results scientific method” is totally valid.  Just trust me.  There’s a lot of math and science involved… I really don’t want to get into it.

Let’s just continue, shall we?

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Mark My Words

Y’all may be aware of the so-called war going on between Fox News and the Obama administration.  The Obama administration has called out Fox News for what it is–an extension of the Republican Party.   He refuses to visit Fox’s Sunday shows and is basically giving Fox the silent treatment.

And boy is Fox News pissed off about it.  Recently, Glenn Beck compared Fox News workers to victims of the Holocaust, claiming that when Obama is finished persecuting Fox News workers, then Obama is going to come after you.

Run for the hills!

I don’t really care if you’re a Democrat, a Republican, or a Libertarian, you all know damn well that Fox News is not “Fair and Balanced.”  It’s also not news.  It’s an opinion network.  I wouldn’t have such a problem with Fox News if they would be upfront about the fact that they are an opinion network.  At least MSNBC has the common sense to use “The place for politics” as its tagline.  This “Fair and Balanced” shit is just a blatant lie.  It’s false advertising.  And I wish Roger Ailes would die in a fire.

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I want to give this man a hug, and say “Thank you.”

“The woman at my polling place asked me do I believe in equality for gay and lesbian people. I was pretty surprised to be asked a question like that. It made no sense to me. Finally I asked her: what do you think I fought for in Omaha Beach?”

Thank you for all that you’ve done, all that you’ve fought for, and all that you believe in.  Thank you for being a beautiful human being.

(Thanks to Natasha for the tip!)

One, Two, Wal-Mart’s Coming For You…

Last week, Wal-Mart started selling burial caskets and urns on its website, with plans to also add pet urns and memorial jewelry. I have no idea what “memorial jewelry” is, but coming from Wal-Mart you KNOW it’ll be classy, reasonably priced, and probably not at all creepy or gross!

Why NOT bury your loved ones in a casket bought from the same retailer where you regularly stand in line to buy toilet paper; wedged between a stinky, twitchy, butt-scratchy meth-head wearing a t-shirt as a dress and a stinky, mullet-y, butt-scratchy grandpa wearing their infant grandkid’s Nazareth t-shirt as a… uh, t-shirt. Why the heck not.

Prices range from $999 for models like “Dad Remembered” and “Mom Remembered” steel caskets to the mid-level $1,699 “Executive Privilege.” All are less than $2,000, except for the Sienna Bronze Casket, which sells for $3,199.

There is one caveat, though, in exchange for these low, low prices (unless you think you’re all superswanky and insist on the “Sienna Bronze” casket):

Caskets ship within 48 hours. Federal law requires funeral homes to accept third-party caskets. Returns are not accepted, the company says on its site, unless the product has been damaged during shipping.

That means you cannot change your mind, people. So don’t go thinking you can just haul one of these babies to the return desk for beer money and then buy it back on layaway; Wal-Mart’s wise to you and your tricky schemes!

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And You Wouldn’t Like Him When He’s Angry

As you may know, California is in the throes of a budget crisis the likes of which the state has never seen.  Also, Arnie’s ratings are in la toilette.  (That’s French for “shitter.”)  The California Legislature’s ratings are faring even worse.

Basically, no one in California is happy with the state government, and Arnie’s getting a lot of flack for it.

Well, recently, the California Legislature approved Assembly Bill 1176, a bill that has something to do with infrastructure financing issues.  I’m not going to read it.  Just thinking about it makes me yawny.

The Legislature sent AB 1176 to Arnie for his signature but Arnie wasn’t having it.  And he let the Legislature know as much in somewhat cryptic terms:  Fuck You.

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“Get Motivated”?  How about “Get Bent”?

In what can only be described as “a fucking joke,” George Bush crawled out of his hidey hole to launch his new career as motivational speaker.

Yeah.

Seriously.

On Monday, he spoke to a crowd of about 11,000 idiots at a business motivational seminar called “Get Motivated!” some Republican Motivational Crapfest in Fort Worth, Texas.

During his speech, Bush claimed that he brought honor and dignity to the office. Um, no. No you didn’t. You know what else you didn’t bring? A dictionary or a passing knowledge of the English language.

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