If you don’t think Sarah Palin is qualified to be President…then you’re probably gay.

You betcha!

Or at least according to the legions of whackos in the comments section of Free Republic.

The GOP has a problem… the howling and screaming coming from the most insanely neocon faction of its party is growing louder. That voice includes the mind-numbingly annoying shriek of Sarah Palin who, despite being totally incompetent, looks like a likely candidate for either the GOP or for some nascent Tea Party Party, even though members of her own party refuse to say out loud that she is qualified. It’s like saying “Bloody Mary” three times in front of a mirror; the likelihood is that nothing bad will happen, but it’s best to keep your yap trapped on the off chance you’ll turn around and find some crazy lady humming the Battle Hymn of the Republic while wielding a bloody knife rifle.

Last month Haley Barbour, Mississippi Governor and President of the Republican Governor’s Association wouldn’t/couldn’t say she was qualified. A couple days ago, House Minority Whip Eric Cantor also dodged the question.

People. SHE’S NOT QUALIFIED.

Here’s how the exchange should go when a question about Sarah Palin’s presidential qualifications is posed:

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Of course this story comes out of Florida.

It’s a story as old as time - man meets woman, woman gives man sliced bread, man wants a roll, woman slaps man upside the head with meat.  Ah, young love.  Elsie Egan, of Dunnellon, Florida, said (and I’m paraphrasing here) that if she hit the victim with meat, it was the meat of her fleshy palm.  Her reasoning was priceless.  Elsie Egan hit a disabled man “so that he could learn.”  Learn what, we may never know.  Leave your best bread-based guesses in the comments.  Watch out, though, she has been released on bond.  Remember to keep your roll-based preference to your damned self!

Ganja Gourmet.  Stonier than the Frugal Gourmet.  Pairs Well With Fraggle Rock.

I’m packing my bags and moving to Denver y’all.  Why?  Ganja Gourmet, a new restaurant serving weed-based cuisine opened on Wednesday.  You can munch while you have the munchies!

A medical marijuana dispensary in Denver has decided to get creative and make the business into a full-service restaurant that caters to those who need to use medicinal marijuana to ease physical ailments.

The owner of Ganja Gourmet located at 1810 South Broadway Avenue said the restaurant will “aim to help distribute medicinal marijuana to those licensed to have it and provide an atmosphere where patients can visit with one another in a safe environment.”

Ganja Gourmet plans to offer lasagna, gourmet pizza, jambalaya, paella, chocolate mousse and flavored cheesecakes, among other gourmet dishes.

I’m calling the Kitchen Bitch right now.  Thundersqweed!

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Yes.  A big fat YES.

This picture has been circulating the internet for a few weeks, but it wasn’t until last week that American Airlines addressed the issue.  Apparently, this ridiculously large man attempted to fly from San Francisco to Somewhere in the Universe with half of his ass blocking the aisle.  Airline attendants were all “no way, dude!” and found the dude sitting next to him a ticket on a later flight to give the huge dude the entire row to himself.

Federal aviation authorities investigated an Internet photo showing a massively fat flier’s flab oozing hazardously into the aisle of an American Airlines plane — but said yesterday that before the flight took off, attendants decided to give the man two extra seats, apparently in line with safety rules.

Worried that the severely obese passenger would block the plane’s aisle in an emergency, American cleared out the normal-sized guy in the adjacent seat by offering him a ticket on a later flight.

First of all, what?

Second of all, the?

Third of all, fuck?!

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Oh.  The humanity.  Oh.

Can you believe what happened to poor Roman Polanski?  He is home today, suffering the ignominy of confinement to his Swiss chalet pending the ruling on his extradition!  Who knew the Swiss were such savages?  Clearly their main exports are chocolate, skiing and pain.  Can you imagine something as horrible as being forced to bide your time in a chalet with nothing outside your window but - yuck - mountains, snow and trees?  Can you imagine the terror he must feel trudging up to his grimy prison?  Whatever will he do?  Have dinner at home?  Host the parties and have friends over? Not ski?  I guess it teaches us all a lesson: rapists who have plead guilty get the same justice whether or not they are rich and famous.

Holy sacrilegious irony, Batman

In a shocking - nay, unprecedented turn of events - Playboy model and Dancing with the Stars contestant Joanna Krupa admits shock that she’s pissed off a whole bunch of Catholics with her new PETA ad.

According to US Weekly, she “appears as a nude, winged angel: in one, she holds a strategically placed crucifix; in another, she holds her dog and a rosary.”

Here’s the best part - Joanna’s response?

“As a practicing Catholic, I am shocked that the Catholic League is speaking out against my PETA ads, which I am very proud of.”

Here’s the bitter taste of unbridled irony, y’all.  No matter what your religious beliefs, you know that PETA’s brand is all about shocking people.  It’s what they do and it’s their entire marketing bent.  And honey, if you’re posing barenekkid in Playboy, chances are good you haven’t been to confession in a while.

(Note: let’s keep it clean and on point, Squeeps.)

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It is too early to be funny, so this is just a straight-up report.

This morning, Meredith Baxter, star of countless Lifetime Television movies and Family Ties, revealed to Matt Lauer that she is gay.  I will let that sink in.  Not that she is gay, but that she came out to Matt Lauer.  On the Today Show.

Baxter, who had three failed marriages, realized later in life that was a lesbian.  She said that once she met her same-sex love interest that so much more of her life made sense, including why she picked the men she did and why she could never really reach a level of closeness with them.

Baxter was sweet in the interview, and was palpably nervous.  Lauer put her at ease and Baxter discussed that while her family and friends knew, she tried to keep her relationship on the dl.  Except for that gay cruise she took. (The interview was not quite linear and a bit of a mess)  Anyhow, I don’t know which, but apparently a tabloid is going to write a story about it, so Baxter decided to head them off at the pass an reveal it herself.  Off the top of my head, I can only think of one situation where revealing someone is gay is appropriate - and that is if being anti-gay is part of their political ideology and they are working to undermine gay rights.  You know, like senators and pastors who preach hate.

One thing that I thought was interesting is that Baxter touched upon the fact that the personal is political, that people are less likely to vote against gay and lesbian issues if they know someone who is gay.  So, while I hate that she, or anyone, is forced to reveal and talk about their sexuality, maybe something good will come out of it.

Update: Read her interview with The Advocate.

Then Baby Went to Peru, Got Murdered, Had All Her Fat Drained Out, And Now She’s in the Coroner. 

There’s a roving gang of crazy Peruvians who are killing fools and draining their fat out of their corpses and then selling it on the black market to cosmetics companies.  Oh yes.  You read me right.  You better check all your lip glosses, ladies.  You might be slathering Peruvian human lipids all over your lips.

Actually, human fat is frequently extracted from one’s own ass and thighs to inject into one’s face.  Did I make this up?  Perhaps.  But I saw it on an episode of Nip/Tuck once, so it must be true.  Or maybe that was urine being used in a face cream.  Whatevs, squeeps.  I’m not Encyclopedia Brown here.

Three suspects have confessed to killing five people for their fat, said Col. Jorge Mejia, chief of Peru’s anti-kidnapping police. He said the suspects, two of whom were arrested carrying bottles of liquid fat, told police it was worth $60,000 a gallon ($15,000 a liter).

Mejia said the suspects told police the fat was sold to intermediaries in Lima, the Peruvian capital. While police suspect the fat was sold to cosmetic companies in Europe, he could not confirm any sales.

Medical experts expressed doubt about an international black market for human fat, though it does have cosmetic applications. Yale University dermatology professor Dr. Lisa Donofrio speculated that a small market may exist for “human fat extracts” to keep skin supple, though scientifically such treatments are “pure baloney.”

Oh sure, some Yalie said it’s pure baloney.  Mmmm… fatty delicious baloney.  Or is it “bologna”?  Can I get a ruling on the proper spelling of “bologna”? Anyone?  No?

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Wearing black pajamas does not give you ninja powers

Some people have no damn sense. Let’s visit Seattle today. On Monday night the police were looking for an assault suspect when they happened upon an interesting scene. What did they find you ask? A man that had been impaled on a fence. How did this man end up on that fence? He thought he was a ninja and decided to use his ninja jumping powers to leap over the fence. As you may have figured out, his ninja powers are weak. The would be ninja was taken to the hospital were he is listed in serious condition.

Listen people, if you were not trained by a real ninja then you are not a ninja. I don’t care how many ninja movies you’ve watched or how many times you’ve practiced your ninja moves in your garage, you’re not a ninja. Just stop it. It’s not going to make people think you’re cool and you’re not going to get any sort of street cred. Somebody should have told this dude these things. If his friends had just sat him down and said, “dude, you’re not a ninja. In fact, everybody thinks you’re kind of a doosh for pretending to be one.” maybe he wouldn’t be in the hospital. His friends are assholes for not telling him these things.

Schadenfreude is a Dish Best Served With a Shot of Whiskey

Remember the Philadelphia swim club that didn’t want a bunch of dirty colored folks swimming in their pool? Well looks like those bastards had to file for bankruptcy.

I’ll give you a minute to shout “HA HA!”

The president of the club, John Duesler complained:

“While many will point towards our legal situation and negative media exposure this summer as the reason, the truth is that the club has struggled to stay out of the red for at least the last decade. . . . And our current debt from this year’s operations and legal fees now exceeds $100,000.”

[Club] Members “are all tired and beaten down and just sickened by how our club has been improperly portrayed,” he said, according to the Daily News. “After speaking to many members, my sense is that mostly everyone wants to move on.”

Improperly portrayed my ass.  The club kept claiming that there were too many kids that day and not enough lifeguards, and that only a few of the kids knew how to swim.  (Yeah. Seriously.  Everybody knows black people can’t swim, MIRITE?)  The Pennsylvania Human Rights Commission found probable cause for race discrimination and levied a $50,000 fine on the Club.  The commission also found that other large groups of kids had frequented the club and not been kicked out, and the club had no black members out of the 334 paid memberships over  the last two years.

One of the rejected kids sued the Club, and more kids were planning to sue.  Unfortunately, now they’re going to have to get in line behind a bunch of creditors in bankruptcy court.  It’s unclear whether their lawsuits will proceed but that’s okay by me because,  you know,  HA HA!!!

Some crap you may or may not know about this day

What, can't a guy just walk in the woods with a mask and axe?

Today is the day where everyone jokes about Camp Crystal Lake. Don’t even deny it; when you’re alone on this day you know you listen for “Kill, Kill, Kill, Now, Now, Now.” You know he’s not there… this time. Some people are so freaked out by this day they have their own phobia. So if you are afraid to even look out your door today then you may have paraskevidekatriaphobia. Say that shit 5 times fast.

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Depp proving, once again, that he is full of awesome and covered in win.

As you may or may not know, Nicholas Cage is in the poor house.  Sure, it may be a multi-million-dollar mansion, but it is only ONE.  AND it isn’t even haunted!  Anyhow, the taxman commeth and Cage owes his uncle (Uncle Sam, of course.  See what I did there?) $6 million dollars.  Say that with a Dr. Evil accent.  Push-pull of a stunned Cage, pulling his campiest face of horror.

Cut to Johnny Depp standing, facing the wind.  His slightly opened shirt seductively flapping, his hair slightly pushed back from his face and his brow furrowed.  He had heard, on the wind, of Cage’s trouble and, on his father’s grave, pledged to help his one-time benefactor.  At least that is how it played out in my head.

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If you think the world is ending on December 12, 2012, I have a survival pack to sell you.

Space, the final frontier - or it should be.  Instead, NASA is wasting time and money dealing with hysteric crackpots.  In a theory espoused by the khaki-wearing prophets of doom, the world will end in 2012.  What is this based on, you ask?  Well, the Mayan calendar, of course.  The Mayan calendar is super freaking complex.  These people loved a calendar, I tell you, so much so that their calendar is actually, roughly, eleventy-billion interconnected calendars. The one that the crackpots are primarily concerned with is the “long calendar,” which resets every 1,872,000 days.

You see, the Mayan calendar tracks eras, or so we think because, apparently, Cortez was a book-burning aye-hole.  At the end of each era some “transformation” happens, destroying the old world and creating a new world - there is disagreement as to whether or not the transformation is brought about by a cataclysmic event.  Some say that after the current age, estimated to end in 2012, there is no new era on the calendar (Bah dum duuuuuuum) and so 2012 will be the end of the world.  Just like in 2003.  Wait, you mean the world DIDN’T end 6 years back when the ORIGINAL prediction said it would?  Hmmm, confusing.  Especially given the fact that the Mayans didn’t believe in endings, they were all about circles interconnecting.  See, for example, their freaking calendar.

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Strange, but true

Adventures in the Bush (or World’s dumbest criminals?)

West Australia - In June, after a monitored, endangered marsupial was killed in West Australia, scientists set out to recover the collar that contained a radio transmitter, only to find that a six-foot long python had swallowed the marsupial and collar.  The scientists captured the snake, intending on waiting for the collar to pass through, but poachers broke into the Department of Environment and Conservation’s shelter and stole the python, intending on selling it.  According to a June report in The West Australian, the scientists eventually picked up the transmitter’s signal again, arrested one poacher and freed the snake from its impending life of captivity.

Nice parenting

Oregon, Wisconsin - David J. Peschl, 36, was arrested in February after his nine-year-old son wrote a school essay about the “painful afternoon my Dad shot me with a BB gun” all because his son was blocking the TV set.  The boy’s elementary school teacher turned the essay over to the authorities and Peschl was arrested and was charged with one felony count of child abuse.

Wild Boars hate Prius’ too

New London, New Hampshire - A retired wild-life biologist was traveling down Interstate 89 when just around 6:30pm something slammed into her driver’s side door.  The impact was so powerful that it pushed the car into the breakdown lane (then again, she was driving a Prius.) Shortly after calling 911, the responding Trooper heard that the boar had struck another car and was laying dead on the side of the road.  Talk about dying for a good cause.  Tonight, I drink in honor of the Boar.

God help the people of South Korea

As if the people of South Korea don’t have enough to worry about when it comes to living next door to Kim Jong Il, there is about to be a new menace they will have to be on the lookout for. Cha Sa-soon, a 68-year-old from Seoul, has finally passed the written driving exam. It only took her failing it 949 times to get it right. On the 950th time, she finally managed to pull a passing grade of  60% out of her ass.

Homegirl has been taking the exam nearly every day since April of 2005.  Cha has laid out more then five million won (that’s $4,200 in real money) on the application fees to keep re-taking the test.

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How ‘Bout You Do THAT, and NOT Leave Your Kid In A Box Under The Babysitter’s Bed (Or In a Plastic Bag In A Truck, or With A Fictitious Nanny, Or Whatever.)

This kitten was probably not abandoned and/or murdered. I just thought you might want to look at a sweet tiny kitten.

WHAT. THE FUCK. IS GOING ON, Y’ALL. Why are people doing weird shit like abandoning and/or murdering their kids when THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO WILL HAPPILY TAKE THEM. People who likely would also pay for stuff like hospital bills, travel expenses, and the welfare of the mother (uh, vitamins and vodka an’ shit, I guess.)

I AM SICK AND TIRED OF ALL THESE ABANDONED AND/OR MURDERED BABIES ON THIS MOTHAFUCKING PLANE.

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White People Think He’s Scary and Black People Think He’s a Damn Fool

Michael Steele is a bit of a noob.  He lives in Gaffe City with Joe Biden.  Recently he said that white Republicans are scared of him.  Oh yeah.  He said that shit in a recent interview with Roland Martin for TV One:

MARTIN: One of the criticisms I’ve always had is Republicans — white Republicans — have been scared of black folks.

STEELE: You’re absolutely right. I mean I’ve been in the room and they’ve been scared of me. I’m like, “I’m on your side” and so I can imagine going out there and talking to someone like you, you know, [you're like,] “I’ll listen.” And they’re like “Well.” Let me tell you.

Um, Michael?  Probably NOT a good idea for the RNC Chairman, the black RNC Chairman to torpedo his own party  by claiming white Republicans are scared of black people.  I mean, really?  Maybe when you’re in the room they’re not scared of you, they just see you for the dumbass that you are.   What the hell is wrong with you, son?

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Should age make a difference if you’ve committed murder?

I was reading local news this morning when I came across the story of Christian, the eight year-old boy who killed his father and a friend of the family. Christian is nine now and the local court system is debating if he should be sent to a juvenile correction facility. Since the boy was so young, it made deciding how to charge him difficult. They decided to strike a deal and drop the charges for the murder of Christian’s father if he pled guilty to negligent homicide in the murder of Tim Romans. For the past year Christian has been serving probation while his fate is determined. Recently Judge Roca decided that Christian should be sent to juvenile corrections, a decision that did not go over well with prosecution or the defense. They have since moved to get the Judge removed from the case or get the case thrown out all together.

I don’t know how I feel about this. I know it’s a small town and it’s just a little boy but to me murder is still murder. I’ve known people on probation and it’s really not that bad of a punishment. I feel that if they don’t teach this child that there are severe consquences for his actions he might become a very dangerous adult. This eight year-old loaded a gun, waited for his father and Romans to come home and then shot them multiple times. He planned it. I don’t know why an eight year-old would do such a thing but I tend to agree with the judge, he should serve in juvenile corrections. Of course .this is just my opinion based on my morals and logic. What do you think?

Thunderdome!

Grumpy Pepaw Murdy is pissed off, y’all.  He’s pissed off that Google is ganking his news and not paying for it.  Rupert Murdoch thinks Google steals news and that it infringes his copyrights.  Google is all, “Whatever, man.  We’re Google.  We own the universe.”  And hey, it’s sort of true.  When you want the internets to impart its wisdom to you, where do you go?  Teh Google.

Google is one of those rare brands that became the product it was selling.  Like Kleenex and Tampax.   Except, I think the brand is stronger.  Folks still say, “Hey, do you have a tampon?” or “Hey, I need a tissue.”  But then there are just as many folks who say, “Give me a damn Tampax.” or “Your Kleenex or your life.”  (No one ever asks for Puffs or Playtex, the poor bastids.)

But with Google?  No one says, “That’s an interesting question!  I think I shall seek out the answer on an Internet search engine.”  No.  People say, “I’mma google that shit.”  Google is a verb!  Suck on that, Tampax.  You’re not a verb.  No one ever went out and got Tampaxed.

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But not vain enough to fix their teeth.

I have this theory: Brits are attention whores - even more so than Americans.  In fact, I would argue that our obsession with Celebrity Culture and reality t.v. are largely exported or modeled from our well-spoken brethren.  English tabloids and paparazzi have, for years, been operating at a level of voracity and ballsyness that our home-grown photogs only wish they could approximate.  Hell, even Paris Hilton is a cheap copy of tabloid ladies of the English variety.  And we don’t even have a Jordan!  I now have a sub-point to my “Brits are attention whores” theory - they are also incredibly vain.

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