Hollywood Edition

I have a bone to pick with Hollywood and with some American moviegoers. Over the last few years, Hollywood has been masturbating all over itself with a string of “reimagined movies.”  At some point in the early days of the 21st century, the film industry decided it was okay to cannibalize movies from the past and repackage them as new ideas. You know what, Hollywood? That’s bullshit, and I am calling you on it.

We all had to write reports in school. Can you imagine what one of your teachers would have said if you took a report you had already handed in and changed a few things then handed it back in as a completely new piece of work?  There is no way that would be acceptable. That would just be a sign that you were too lazy or stupid to come up with something original.

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Form of? Legos: THE MOVIE

You. Yeah YOU! Did you hear? Warner Bros. is making a legos movie. No. Not Legolas (although, hey how you doin’ Orlando Bloom shooting arrows with flaxen locks raining from your scalp.)

Fuckin, LEGOS, man.  Those plastic bricks?   From back in the day. LEGOS:

The good news, Variety reports, is that LEGO has finally relented and is allowing a movie to be made - an action-adventure set in a LEGO world.

I swear.  I must be dead.  I MUST BE.  Because there is no way on Cruise’s green earth that I’m living in a world where people are lynching politicians in effigy as a protest to healthcare reform, and where a movie about stupid cheap ass plastic bricks is “good news.”  Imagine the trailer:

In a world!  Where lady lego will fall ill as a result of complications with her breast implants and will meet the yellow square of her dreams in the ICU.  Will she follow her heart and click her little nobbins into his gaping holes?  Or will she leave him, heart melting, reeking of plastic, for a blue rectangle?

Christ on a cracker with a side of biscuits and gravy.  The end is nigh.  Do you hear me?  WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE AND THE LEGOS SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH.

Oh and you know what else?  A bunch of other games from my childhood are being considered for movies.  Like Monopoly.  It’s gonna be a tell-all about Mr. Pennybags after he had a sex change and became Miss Pennywhistle.  Soundtrack by Philip Glass.

Source.

Time to Nut Up or Shut Up

I love me some zombies, be they in film or fiction. Here is the Red Banner trailer for Woody Harrelson’s new zombie comedy. You know, the one that caused Woody to attack a real person at LaGuardia Airport because he thought the guy was a photographer zombie. It’s is restricted, however it’s mostly NSFW (not safe for work) language, but there is a scene with a zombie stripper running in slow motion with pasties on. So use your own judgment as to where and when you want to view it.

You will need to enter your birthday to view the trailer. If you forgot what it is, just enter July 4, 1776. That worked for me.

If this isn’t a joke I’m getting on a plane, flying to L.A. and kicking Billie Ray Cyrus right in the junk

According to Hollyscoop.com Miley Cyrus auditioned to play Batgirl along side Christian Bale. I think the photo sums up fan reaction nicely.

“She was sort of hopping around the room and had even written some dialogue for herself,” a source said of Cyrus’ audition. “The problem is some people aren’t really convinced Miley Cyrus has the acting chops to pull it off.”

This has to be bullshit. I can believe she wants the part. I can even believe her agent forced a meeting, but I just don’t see anyway in hell that they would cast her. Christian Bale has stated that he would walk if they tried to make the Batman movies campy, so I just don’t see this happening.

The Batman movies need to just be Batman. No Robin, no Batgirl, just the Dark Knight. Superhero movies almost always go wrong when they try and force to many characters into them.

I guess there are worse choices out there. It could be Kristen Stewart as Batgirl.

Here we go again

Once again, I have to say that I just don’t get what the big deal is. I haven’t read the books; I did see the last movie and I thought it was godawful. It seems like the only reason Twilight is popular is because people, mostly girls, insist that it is.

The video here is pretty crappy but that doesn’t matter. The real reason I am posting this is for the background noise of people, mostly girls, reacting to what they are seeing. Someone should call Guinness because at the one minute thirty three mark the person taking the video captured what might be the largest simultaneous orgasm ever caught on film at a Con. After last year’s Princess Leia in a slave girl costume contest, that’s really saying something.

Video after the jump.

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Half-Blood Prince (now with more pubic hair)

Well, shoot.  I haven’t even read Half-Blood Prince yet.  I started it a year ago and got about halfway through.  But having read books 1-5 in about two weeks, I was suffering an acute case of Over- Potter Syndrome.  Then I got sidetracked by Twilight. Then I got sidetracked in the middle of Eclipse and started reading old Stephen King novels. And then I got sidetracked in the middle of Christine by eleventy DVRed hours of So You Think You Can Dance.

What’s the point?  Well, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince opens today, and I can’t decide whether to finish the book or just go see the damn movie.

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There’s No Crying in Rock and Roll

Kristen Stewart is playing Joan Jett in the upcoming movie The Runaways. Things don’t seem to be going too well, because Jett brought Stewart to tears on the set, recently. Maybe the producers shouldn’t have cast someone with the acting range of Terri Schiavo. What? I’m just saying.

“Joan just wants Kristen to play an authentic version of herself, so she needled her a little bit too much. But she apologized when she realized how upset Kristen got,” reported a witness to The NY Daily News on Tuesday.

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Roger Ebert’s take on Transformers 2

Megan Fox calibrates her weapons

It’s possible Roger Ebert didn’t like the new Transformers movie.  Here’s an excerpt.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a horrible experience of unbearable length, briefly punctuated by three or four amusing moments. One of these involves a dog-like robot humping the leg of the heroine. Such are the meager joys. If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination.

The review would have been thorough if only he had included: “Megan Fox’s bra size and IQ are roughly equivalent, and “Shia LaBeouf has the screen appeal of a door knob.”

(Editor’s Note:  No offense to door knobs intended.)

Looks good so far…

Here are some promo shots of Tim Burton’s upcoming Alice in Wonderland starring Anne Hathaway as the White Queen, Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter, and Helena Bonham Carter as the Queen of Hearts.  The movie also stars Crispin Glover, Alan Rickman, and Stephen Fry, and is slated to be released sometime in 2010.  With such a strong cast, I  hope the movie will be fantastical in its awesomitude.  I really didn’t enjoy Charlie and the Chocolate Factory; it was too weird for me.  Or maybe I hadn’t taken enough LSD when I saw it.  And by “enough” I mean “any.”

What’s your take on Burton’s trip down the rabbit hole?

More pictures after the jump.

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I Went to College with This Guy. 

Ed Helms, star of The Hangover, took a tip from his former colleague on The Daily Show and current co-star on The Office, Steve Carrell, and went “all out” as the kids say, to nail his role in The Hangover.

As you might remember, Steve Carrell endured a full chest waxing for his role in the The 40 Year Old Virgin.  The scene was totally unscripted and could only be shot (for obvious reasons) in one take.  The reactions you see from Carrell’s castmates, Paul Rudd, Seth Rogen, and Romany Malco (you may know him as the black dude on Weeds), are real reactions; no acting involved.

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Chasing Bacon

Ever since I heard they were remaking this movie full of greatness, I’ve been sad, but then I forgot all about it and thought Hollywood had, too. But, it seems my celebrations were too early. Chace Crawford, who’s too pretty for words, shall be the new Kevin Bacon. Originally Zac Ephron was cast but dropped out and they just substituted Zac Ephron part deaux in the role. I had trouble telling them apart. Next up they can do the male version of The Patty Duke Show. I’ll let them dance fight over who gets to be on top.

Chace Crawford, you hear me now. You are no Kevin Bacon, SIR! Do you think that you can dance angry in a warehouse drinking beer and mentally envisioning a montage like Mr. Bacon? You think you can do knee slides, spins, and high kicks with his tenacity? I highly doubt it, small fry. He was the male Jennifer Beals of his time. No other guy from the 80’s can say that.

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Three movies you should watch

I know that the three movies which I recommended in the “So Bad They are Good” post may not be to everyone’s taste. So today, I’m giving you three good movies that I think are under appreciated.

First up is a movie I love: Pleasantville.  If I had to make a list of my favorite movies, Pleasantville would be in the top ten.

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Robert Downey, Jr. for the block and the win

When I first read that Robert Downey, Jr. would be playing Sherlock Holmes, I was excited. I’ve been a huge fan of his going back to the 1980s. Then I read that Guy Ritchie was going to be the director, and I was less than thrilled. For me, Guy Ritchie is hit and miss with his films–mostly miss. I thought Snatch and Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels were highly overrated. Then a few months back, I saw RocknRolla, and my faith in him doing a good job with Sherlock Holmes was restored.

So I’m keeping my fingers crossed and thinking happy thoughts that he makes this a great movie. What do you think, are you ready for Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law as Holmes and Watson?

Twilight 2: Return of the Bad Actors

There is a whole lot of crazy coming our way just before Thanksgiving. Are you ready for teenage girls in formal wear telling you that you just don’t know what true love is? Yeah, me neither.

On the plus side, any other movie you want to see Thanksgiving weekend you’ll be able to walk in and have your choice of seating. God help you if you end up in a theater with the disappointed and pissed off girls who couldn’t get in to the sold out Twilight show.

The crazy train is scheduled to depart on November 20th.

Movies I shouldn’t like but do

In honor of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, I thought I’d give you a few movies that you might want to checkout. Now these aren’t great movies by any stretch of the imagination but for some reason if I come across them I end up watching them. So if you are looking for something to watch this weekend maybe pick one of these up and let me know what you think.

First up is my guiltiest of guilty movie pleasure: The Core:

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PLEASE GRAB A DRINK AND SIT DOWN BEFORE READING THIS!

I was sitting ready to gorge myself with snacks during my usual Thursday night TV orgy. Starting with Bones, Grey’s Anatomy, 30 Rock and on and on. It usually takes me until the  next day to get through them all.  So there I am, watching TV and minding my own business when I see something that jolts me like a punch to the back of the head.

A movie preview. It was as if Hollywood executives had crept into my dreams and made my movie dreams come true. Johnny Depp as John Dillinger. He was totally 1930s hot–very reminiscent of his 21 Jumpstreet days. I nearly exploded from excitement. But that can’t happen because then what would happen to my other, other, true love.

No, not Ryan Reynolds. Although that is a wonderful love, he’s still just number 3. What would become of my number one? BAAAAALE!!!!!! And then what happens? Do my eyes deceive me? Could it be?

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I smell an Oscar!

Sometimes you see a movie trailer and you think to yourself, “How in the hell did someone think this was a good idea?”

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Some Kind Of Wonderful Edition

I’m a big fan of stuff from yesteryear–the cool fashions, high bangs, awesome movies. Today’s focus will be on the John Hughes classic, Some Kind Of Wonderful. On the surface it’s basically just Pretty In Pink with the sexes flipped.

But oh no, it’s much more than that. It had one of the coolest openings in movie history, in my opinion. And apparently 24,000-ish viewers on the YouTubes agree. Those drums were kick ass and it gave us a feel for the characters.

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Coming soon to a  Squee!-ater near you

X-Men Origins: Wolverine opens tomorrow, which for most of us means midnight tonight.  To whet your appetite, here’s the final trailer release from Marvel.

It’s obvious that many of our dear Squee!-ers (commenters and authors) run the gamut from geek to nerd.

So, who’s excited for J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek? And who else thinks the casting for Spock is, like, totally perfect?  SYLAR!