You may love them or hate them, but you always watch them.

It’s not just the time of year when the nog flows freely - it’s also the time of year when your most favorite and most hated movies appear.  Lets discuss them, shall we?

A Christmas Story

It’s the movie that gave us the kick ass phrase, “You’ll shoot your eye out,” as well as introducing us to foreign phrases like, “Fraaaaa-geeeeee-lay.”  I’m ever on the look out for a sexy leg lamp but it still eludes me;  I want my very own major award.  And who can forget the very special rendition of, We wish you a Merry Christmas? Fa ra ra ra ra, squeeple.

I still can’t turn that movie off, no matter how much I try.  It sweeps you back to being a child and all the bad presents you’ve ever gotten.  My grandmother always bought us underwear and why the hell do people buy socks as gifts?  And I don’t know about your father, but mine also worked in profanity the way other artists worked in oil or clay and that’s what makes this movie great.  There are so many charcters that are not unlike the people in your own life.  Everyone can somehow relate.  Love it.

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I say not racism.    MIRITE?

Couples Retreat was released in the theaters recently.  I don’t know when.  I don’t care.  It looks stupid.  Probably just stupid enough for me to laugh whilst drinking the six pack of beer I smuggle into my purse at movie theaters.

Yesterday, apparently, there was some hub bub, a broo ha ha, or a kerfuffle, if you please, over Universal Studios removing the black actors from the poster that was used to promote the movie in the UK.

I know, right?  That’s like, totally racism?  Why not remove some of the other couples?  Well, because the other stars, Vince Vaughn, Kristen Bell, that other dude, and whatshisbutt are, like, way more popular than Black dude no one’s really heard of, and some black chick who’s been in in like, 4 shows, on par with That’s so Raven! and Moesha.  Basically, they’re people many folks  in America have never heard of, so the bloody Brits sure as hell don’t know who they are.

Meh,  I know I’m supposed to be all “this is an outrage!” but whatever, right?  The movie sucks (only 12% on Rotten Tomatoes).  Vince Vaughn has made a string of craptastic movies ::ahem:: Fred Clause and frankly, I don’t give a crap.  And, in any event, Universal has decided not to use those posters overseas.  They say that they’re “sorry to have offended anyone.”  So… no harm no foul.  But if the next big Denzel movie comes out, and the UK posters show this picture:

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Heigel Suckfest

The ugly truth is this movie is a misogynistic piece of crap and even Gerard Butler’s fucking amazingly hott ass can’t save it. And Heigl said that Knocked Up was sexist? HA! I had issue then – she made these statements after the movie hit big, after DVD sales that were through the roof finally slowed – then and only then did she admit she thought it was sexist. (Which by the way – oversensitive feminista that I am- I do not agree).

The Ugly Truth is just a series of sexist sentiments that are repeated over and over. Women are clingy. Women are controlling. Men need to be men. Don’t emasculate men. Men like sex. Play hard to get, be coy, don’t act like a woman. No man wants a woman because women suck. But Knocked Up, where women hold better jobs and have their shit together while men are a mess, is sexist. You got it, Kathy. I suggest watching it on silent.

Remember that movie with Barbra Streisand and Kris Kristofferson?

It’s kind of like that, but creepier.  Sure, Judy Garland did it in A Star Is Born, but Babs and Kris had awesome 70s hair.  Now David Hasselhoff wants to make all of Mitch Winehouse’s dreams come true.  If you enjoy creepy dads talking about their daughter’s boobs:

“I think she looks great.  I think every bit of her looks great at the moment. She didn’t do her boobs for vanity reasons.” Winehouse has been quoted as saying.

I hate to disappoint you, Mitch, but unless you need breast reconstruction (for medical reasons, it’s for vanity) you might like this show.

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ZOMG, hide behind your couch!

This is a weekend for voodoo, music, football, Oktoberfest and drunkenly handing out candy to kids dressed as Hannah Montana.  Or drinking profusely and pelting eggs at people’s houses.

Your call, really.

We here at Thundersquee! also feel that it’s a weekend for binging on pumpkin cookies and movies.

So grab some candy corn and a ice cold beer, and snuggle into the couch for our favorite Halloween movies.

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No Jazz Hands Necessary

I love the movies, most of the time.   They capture the imagination, can make us happy, sad, or  even mad.  Some are just lame and some are awesomely lame.  For instance, Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes.  Horribly bad, but in a way you just can’t turn it off.  There is one movie out of all of them that make you want to be in them. This my friends is, the dance movie.

I have a few in mind I would like to share as they have given me oodles of joy and kick ass dance moves.  Get your whistles ready.

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The Good, Bad, And The Fabulous

Movies have the power to remind of us of of different periods in our lives. You can tell a lot about a person by the movies they choose to represent their lives. Unfortunately for you all I have a great love of horrible movies. And also just so you know, my mother and her sisters let us all watch just about anything.

Here’s  how we play

Childhood

Monty Python, The Holy Grail

Even as a young jujubee I knew this was some seriously funny shit. How can you not love French taunting and laughing at the plague. The plague kills it. Here’s a scene from the funniest taunting scene ever.

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The most interesting movie mix all week

John Landis is turning Dr. Hot Who and Shaun of the Dead into grave robbers. David Tennant and Simon Pegg will now have more in common than one too many letters in their last names.  John Landis is set to direct them  in the starring roles of a dark period-comedy called “Burke and Hare.”

The movie is based on a true story about famous graverobbers, Burke And Hare, and follows the exploits of two men (Pegg as Burke, Tennant as Hare) as they fall into the highly profitable business of providing cadavers for the medical fraternity in 19th Century Edinburgh, which was the center of medical learning of the day, and was always short of bodies–bodies Burke and Hare often helped expedite into becoming cadavers.

Since reality dictates we have to be patient for some sort of clip or preview, here’s a Tennant fix after the jump to keep you edified.

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You don’t look a day over fabulous

In case you don’t know, once upon a time General Zod, Agent Smith (a.k.a. Lord Elrond of Rivendell) and the dude from Memento made a little cult movie called The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. If you haven’t seen it, then get thee to your Netflix page and add it to your queue.

Guy turned 42 this past Monday and I can’t let it pass without busting out on of my favorite Youtube video. Enjoy.

This movie review is approved by me

Yesterday I went to see a movie by the name of Zombieland. I hadn’t heard of this movie until a few months ago when Woody Harrelson punched a photographer and used the excuse that he had just filmed a zombie movie and he had mistaken the guy for a zombie. This movie was great. GREAT I TELL YOU! I laughed through most of the movie yet it still managed to make me jump a couple of times. The kid from Superbad and Adventureland is more likeable in this movie. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still the akward virgin like in his other movies but he doesn’t annoy me so much when he’s shooting zombies. Woody Harrelson was great in this movie, it really wouldn’t have been the same without him.

I don’t really have to tell you what the movie is about because zombie movies all have the same plot. What I do have to tell you is that I haven’t had this much fun at a movie in a long time. Everybody in the theater enjoyed themselves and you will to. Do yourself a favor and go see this movie.

But We Will NEVER Wear “Wild Things” Jammies.

Where The Wilds Things Are is my FAVORITE children’s book. I loved it when it was read to me as a child, I loved it even MORE as an adult when I would read it to my cousin when he was little. My tiny cousin (whom I shall call “Tiny Cousin” as I don’t want to embarrass him now that he’s a 6′4″ adult) used to stalk me around the house and then at unexpected moments become Max and yell “RAWWWWWWR!” prompting me to become one of the monsters; then we’d yell “LET THE WILD RUMPUS START!” which was followed by chasing each other around and ending up in a tired heap with me  growling “I’LL EAT YOU UP, I LOVE YOU SO!” as required both by the story and the fact that Tiny Cousin, at four, was almost unbearably biteable.

My point here is that I LOVE THIS BOOK. And the fact that I have cried EVERY SINGLE TIME I’ve seen a preview for the upcoming movie makes me think the movie will be good.

You know what’s NOT good? Fucking up all my happy memories with The “Wild Things Collection.” Regardless of how much I loved the book (and hopefully will love the movie, fingers crossed) I do NOT want to wear Max’s jammies. Why?  Because I’m neither four, nor am I retarded. I might want to put them on some of my friend’s kids (since Tiny Cousin is no longer tiny), but that’s different, and WAY more cute. I also don’t want to wear a fur vest, dress, or coat based on a “Wild Thing.” Fashion doesn’t have to be whimsical, designers! Don’t you know that “whimsy” is just one short step away from holiday sweaters with snowmen, dancing skeletons and other equally abhorrent crap on them? DON’T DO THAT! Please!

ANYWAY. In case you’ve somehow missed seeing the trailers for the movie, here’s one. I dare you to not tear up. I will also call you a heartless bastard if you don’t.

Soul Train: The Movie?  WTF!?

Our lovely Jujubees already ranted this morning about how she wants to stab Hollywood in the eye.  Well, she didn’t say that, but I’m sure she was thinking it.

Well here’s another morsel of fuckery that will make her want to kick Hollywood in the balls.  Don Cornelius has teamed up with some a-hole at Warner Bros to make Soul Train: The Movie.  And what’s worse, is that it’s going to be a BUDDY COMEDY.  Like Lethal Weapon with fewer  guns and more Soul Glo.  Christ on a biscuit.

Words escape me.  I don’t even know what to say, squeeple.  What does one say in a situation like this?

“I’m sorry for your loss?”

“Yeah, I want them to die, and I hope they burn in hell?”

“Why are there so many motherfuckin’ snakes on this motherfuckin’ plane?”

“Time to make the donuts?”

Honestly.  I don’t know what to say or do.  It’s enough to make me want to pull out my own intestine and strangle myself with it.

To ease the pain, here’s a little Soul Train right to your face.  The Jackson 5 singing I Want You Back.  Behold their glorious afros.  I feel sorry for you, white people.  I mean, sure being black in America can be hard, but when push comes to shove, you’ll NEVER have an afro this glorious:

Now excuse me.  I need to go find my flamethrower and get ready.  When Juju declares war on Hollywood, I’m gonna burn this motherfucker down.

Hollywood, You Killed My Childhood, You Bastard: Fame Edition

Since I am so wise, I have figured out the meaning of life: Beer, Fun, and Bale. Now that I have all this spare time after answering life’s timeless questions, now what? I’ll tell you what I get to do now. Bitch and whine. Once you figure life out, you can join me. Until then you get to read my musings. This week I shall take Hollywood to task and ask them why they insist on bricking me in the face.

Soooooooooooo, I’ve complained about Hollywood remaking my most favorite movies and bricking them in the face. Such as Footloose. Chace Crawford is no Kevin Bacon my friends. I only need one degree to tell you this will suck, royally. And Julianna Hough from Dancing With The Stars is supposed to reprise Lori Singer’s role? I think not. Hollywood must be stopped.

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I’m starting to hate you, Netflix.

Are you sick of reading my weekly bitching about the political fuckery going on in this country? Yeah? Well I’m sick of writing about it. So today, I want to talk about the REAL problem facing America: Netflix.

Netflix pisses me off.

I’ve been a member of Netflix almost from the beginning. I remember when I first heard about Netflix  seven years ago. I was over the moon  about it. “WHA!? You mean I won’t have to buy some stupid ass movie for 50 bucks from Blockbuster because I forgot to return it, or my dog chewed it up, or because I returned my homemade porn movie and left Ernest Goes to to the Mall languishing in my DVD player??!!”

JEANIUS.

But here’s the thing:  I rented 300 and Big Fish in February 2009 and I STILL HAVE THEM SITTING ON MY COFFEE TABLE.  I don’t know why I can’t just take them to the post office.  I just haven’t. I don’t even care at this point. It’s like my gym membership. I pay 60 bucks every month (it’s automatically deducted from my credit card) and I never go. I’ve been a member of the gym for 3 years and I’ve gone maybe 6 times.

So yeah. I’ve been a member of Netflix for about 7 years, and I’ve probably watched a total of 6 movies. ( Don’t judge me! You don’t know what my life is like!)

So this past weekend, I started thinking about how ridiculous my Netflix situation is–paying for a service I never use–and I decided to cancel my account. That’s right. I did that shit. No more Netflices.

But apparently when you cancel your account, you have to locate and return the movies you have.  Can you believe that?  So now I have to locate Police Academy 7: Who Let the Dogs Out, and return it to them, PRONTO. Whatever, Netflix. I can’t find the movie. Suck it up.

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“There’s no Baum in it at all.”

The Wizard of Oz is a sacred thing, TMIMO.

And as you might know by now, comic books, movies and literature are things I take pretty seriously (in that order.)  I don’t like it when they mix badly… and I say this for a specific reason: TODD MCFARLANE and OZ? Well, it’s a TERRIBLE IDEA.

Here’s why.
Todd McFarlane is known for Spawn, and a few Spiderman comics - but he’s mostly known as a marketing guy. He wants you to buy his toys! And he DOES have great toys…  he’s become the P.T. Barnum of comics. He’s FAR more into marketing than either movies OR comics. He thinks the whole world is a big, fat chump, and THAT’S what keeps him going. I’m sure you can see the irony in this… and if you don’t, let me remind you of THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN.

Which brings me back to Oz.

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It’s like Underworld meets You Got Served

Not sure what the hell this movie is about? Don’t feel bad, I had to find a synopsis of it to convince me it wasn’t a vampire dance-off movie.

In a New York of the future, violence and drugs are all but erased from memory. In their stead, illegal dance contests take place in the underground world of Boogie Town. Marco and Jay, leaders of rival dancing gangs, acquire superpowers and take the contests to new levels. Marco falls in love with Jay’s sister Natalie and the two become like Romeo and Juliet, a pair of star-crossed lovers.

OK, that’s it. I need to start writing screenplays. I’m sure I can write a better movie than this. I just need to break into the business. I may have to sell out a little to get my foot in the door, so don’t think to harshly of me. No, I’m not talking about dating Paris Hilton or ‘accidentally’ releasing a sex tape. I may need to write a script for the re-imagining of Freddy Got Fingered or maybe re-boot the Ernest movies.

How does Ernest Goes to Chemo sound?

God bless crazy people

I need to give a special heartfelt thanks to the web site Warming Glow for enlightening me. If I hadn’t loaded their page today I would have never known about a documentary that I believe I truly need to see.

What is Ferrets: The Pursuit of Excellence about you ask?

“The Pursuit of Excellence” heads to the annual Ferret Buckeye Bash in Columbus, Ohio, for a revealing look into the competitive world of ferret shows. Cameras roll and tension mounts as top breeders, trainers and owners pursue the coveted first prize. Only one lucky ferret will come out top dog, and only one owner will reach the pinnacle of excellence in this highly competitive event, the largest ferret show in the United States.

Did you catch that? A revealing look into the competitive world of ferret shows. Let me stop you right there. I know what you are asking yourself, and the answer is yes. Ferrets: The Pursuit of Excellence is available on Netflix. I know this because it is now in my queue.

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Unless there is a profit to be made from it

Are you ready for a Dirty Dancing re-make? Yeah, me neither. That isn’t stopping Lions Gate Entertainment from moving forward with the project. Something tells me this is going to end up being a cross between Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights and You Got Served.

Julia Dahl has been tapped to write it. If the name doesn’t ring a bell don’t feel bad. Her biggest claim to fame so far has been the Brittany Murphy movie Uptown Girls. I’m sure she will do just fine. She has plenty of experience under her belt. She also wrote two episodes of Just Shoot Me and one episode of Party of Five.

There has been talk in the past of re-making Dirty Dancing but it has always fallen apart for various reasons. A few years back there was talk of remaking it with Mario Lopez; thankfully that never happened. I would like to make a few casting suggestions. How about Megan Fox for Frances ‘Baby’ Houseman and Channing Tatum for Johnny Castle? You know he can Dirty Dance, here is the proof.

Hollywood already has a Fame remake set to hit theaters. You can watch the trailer here. I can see some studio executive pitching this. “We can make it like High School Musical but gritty and more urban. Now I don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up but I’m pretty sure I can get Frasier to sign if we act fast.”

Even Hollywood legends can’t escape having their movies re-imagined. Steven Spielberg and Tobe Hooper’s movie Poltergeist is getting remade. It is set to hit theaters next Thanksgiving. Here is a tip Hollywood. If you want to remake a Steven Spielberg film how about you start with the last Indiana Jones movie.

And Not In A Way That You Will Benefit From, Despite Your Assholish Charm.

Guess what, y’all! Tucker Max’s book, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell IS NOW A MOVIE! And you know what the most hi-LAIR-iously fucking funny thing about it is?

Nothing. And I’m not talking from a strictly vagina-throwing perspective. This movie looks almost unbelievably unfunny. It’s like they made it unfunny ON PURPOSE.

In fact, I think I’ve seen this kind of unfunny in a trailer before… .

(Thanks to Cait for the tip!)

And possibly leading to RDJ goodness

Gratuitous hotness

Robert Downey Jr. is currently in talks to play the vampire Lestat in the next installation of The Vampire Chronicles.  He would join Tom Cruise and Stuart Townsend as the third actor whose casting as Lestat makes no sense. I mean, I’ve read the books, and none of these dudes even remotely fit Rice’s description of the character, which I have always interpretted as “a young Rutger Hauer and Legolas had a baby…a vampire baby.” OK, the Legolas part is a recent addition, but you get the point.

However, it’s RDJ and he could play most any character and manage to make it work, so I’m interested to see what becomes of this. What are your thoughts?