How Did We Miss This Gem?

Imagine, you’re strolling around Windsor Castle, taking in all of the tea, crumpets and dental hygiene. You’re enjoying the spring air, the blooming buds and you smile, because after all, spring means love is all around (or is it Christmas that is all around?). This is apparently what went through one couple’s minds when they decided to totally do it on the Queen’s lawn! No joke. This couple, speculated to be in their early 30’s from their bouncing bare asses, were spotted engaging in 10-15 minutes of the dirty deed in broad daylight. It wasn’t until cops intervened that the two pulled-up-trou.

You have to wonder how people make decisions like these and think that they are brilliant ideas. I swear, with each passing day I consider changing forms just to escape the idiocy of humanity. Perhaps I will become a butterfly and conjure up the next flu. No one would ever suspect the butterfly…

No Regrets

Women are very sexual creatures. As a woman, I know this. Many of you, our readers, are women, so you probably know this as well. And for all you men, you have either been with women or know women, so you are most likely aware too. Anywhoozle, Lindsay Lohan, Anne Heche, Katy Perry, Cynthia Nixon, et. al, with their swip-swap-eroos and Kissed a Girls have now sparked a new line of research which has tried to uncover why women leave men for other women. Surprisingly, men having assholic and childish tendencies didn’t even make the cut! Hiyoooooooo!

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It Always Tastes Better When it’s Free

In Cincinnati, someone conjured up my ideal fantasy and brought it to fruition. A Domino’s patron, clearly a genius, figured out that if you typed in “BAILOUT” as a discount code while ordering online, your pizza would be free of charge. This “mistake” occurred because of a promotional idea which was nixed this past December.

The communications error cost Domino’s 11,000 pizzas before they deactivated the code the following morning. Hmm. I wonder if I use “SUGAR DADDY” as a code word what will be delivered to my doorstep? Would I like some cheesy bread with that? Yes, please!

I Shall Drink in Your Honor

So, it’s official. Spring is here. The daylight is an hour longer, the snow is melted and even if there is another snowstorm, it will melt in a few days anyway. It’s not just the smell of winter turning into puddles or the angle from which the sun hits our face that makes us feel the change of season, it’s something slightly more powerful. It’s something we look forward to each time the temperature routinely rises or falls. For us in New England, it’s the seasonal change of Samuel Adams. Once you realize Sam’s Summer Ale has reached the taps, you know it’s time for the beach and barbeques, day drinking and basking in the sun. It’s wonderful.

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Grow Up, People

In the past few years, hoards of social networking sites have bombarded our lives and have brought with them some truly innovative ideas and forward thinking. We are able to promote businesses, reconnect with old friends, become involved in community efforts, track up-and-coming musicians, and so much more. But now that Facebooking and MySpacing and Twittering is commonplace, who is writing the rules of etiquette? Who is keeping the standard of so many everyday questions? These are questions which need to be answered.

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The Every(wo)man’s Solution to Life

Do you spend hours stressing over what cheese to pack when you leave the house? Do you wonder, is today a Boursin and baguette day or should I opt for good ole havarti dill and sesame crackers? Are you concerned about satisfying the tastes of all attendees at the next soiree you are attending? If you’re going to the beach, do you worry that sand will affect your choice? Are you in constant agony over what situation calls for what cheese?? DO YOU DRIVE YOURSELF MAD IN AN INDECISIVE RAGE???

Don’t worry, just snackulate! Do, do do do do do do do do do do do do. Don’t worry. Do do do do do do do. Snackulate. Do do do do do.

The Mens

A recent study has shown that men and women process beauty differently. I can’t say I’m shocked by this. While women will explain beauty in an analytical, verbose way, men will likely say something to the affect of, “It’s nice. I like it.” This isn’t to say all men and women fall into these categories but the findings of this study do prove one thing:

Men half ass everything. It’s science. While women process beauty using both sides of our brains, men only use the right side. I foresee using this in many future arguments. “Use your whole brain, asshole!!”

Give Us Free Shit

Many luxury hotels, particularly in New York City, have begun catering to their female clientele. Specific rooms, even floors, are being put aside which have amenities targeted at woman such as curling irons, vanities, bath salts and yoga mats - at no extra cost! Now don’t get in a huff, this is not meant to segregate so much as simplify travel for women.

However, Bev Sanders, a woman who runs a women-only vacation business says, “Women learn differently when there are no men around… If you put a man into the equation, women begin to second-guess themselves.”

Her husband presumably added, “It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again!”

Whateva, Whateva, I Do What I Want!

Hoards of women in India are fighting back against the female militant group, Sri Ram Sena, which radically opposes women going to bars with men. Ram Sena calls the boozers “immoral” and believes they should stay home and play the Suzy Homemaker role. Not only are these “loose women” publicly disagreeing with Ram Sena but they are planning a Valentine’s Day Pub Crawl to prove their independence. To top it all off, they will be sending care packages with pink panties to the radical and outspoken militants. I’m not sure if this last part is entirely necessary, seeing as the Ram Sena already have their panties in a bunch. Hi-yooooooo!

Wisconsin for the Win

Although 2008 had only one more day than 2007, due to Leap Year, cheese production rose 1.4%. Cheddar was better, as the most popular cheese and Mozzarella was stella’, coming in at a close second.

I’m just so glad that someone out there is tracking the success of cheese. Planet Earth may be in a recession, but cheese will always prevail, through thick and thin, through holey Swiss and through smoked Gouda. I’d also like to thank all the cows out there, for giving us something to look forward to at every networking event or family gathering. Your by-product has gotten me through many an open bar function.

So, thanks. Your fine work has not gone unnoticed.

But My Colon’s A Mess

The most recent peanut butter and salmonella dilemma had scientists thrown for a loop. Years back, it was much easier to pinpoint the source of a contamination by searching for maggots or other physical evidence. Now technology has made it more difficult to pinpoint who, what, where, when, why and how (don’t forget how) a contamination occurs. Lucky for us, “Team Diarrhea” came to save the day - Ba da DA!! Turns out, King Nut was the problem.

This is too easy… I’ll let you take your own shots here.

Foreplay or Forewarning?

As humans, our methods of wooing and foreplay vary per individual but, as to be expected, wild animals tend to attract their mates adhering to a more consistent pattern. Rhinos, for instance, try to get their ladies interested through “head and genital butting.”

Wait, that’s not typical for people?? I knew that guy was weird…

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There Goes My Social Life

John Schnatter, founder of Papa John’s Pizza, was quoted on a UK radio program saying pizza is actually healthy if you eat it in moderation. Unfortunately, Americans don’t understand this concept so well. Mod… er …a …tion? (more…)

How About Stop Spamming My Life?

Claire Suddath of Time Magazine recently wrote an article about Facebook’s newest and dumbest craze, “25 Things”. I fully back Suddath’s take on the modernized-chain-mail; who cares? As the article alludes, Facebook has become a real distraction during the work day. I should know. I’m at work as we speak. (more…)

Spit or Swallow?

A 25 year-old woman in Birmingham, England was recently diagnosed with an extremely rare heart disease which causes her to faint due to ingesting certain food or drink.  One of six diagnosed with “swallow syncope,” this woman has been known to lose consciousness when eating sandwiches or drinking soda because the disease blocks blood flow to the brain when eating some foods. (more…)

Revolving Doors?

Kidney removal in the past has been viewed as cumbersome by donors for multiple reasons, among them, scarring, pain and inconvenience. This new discovery will make the prospect of donating much more appealing, at least for women… um, according to a man? Rather than remove the kidney the old fashioned way, “through [a] small keyhole incision,” I’ve got it! Take it out her vagina!!

I. Kid. You. Not. Because the idea of reaching in through my vag to remove an organ is so much more drawing than having a tiny scar. Except, you know, not?

Natcho’ Cheese

We have all heard about pheromones and how they play a major role in chemical attraction between two individuals. Everyone naturally emits a unique body odor that attracts specific men or women; this we know. However, a recent study performed in Geneva produced information I did not know. Sorry ladies, our shit is stank, yo! A woman’s smell is likened to that of onion and grapefruit! Deeeelish!

Men on the other hand? Oh, it’s that of a pungent cheese! It all makes sense now…

No, No, No

This is anything but negative news–Lisa Loeb got married! She married Roey Hershkovitz, the music coordinator on “Late Night with Conan O’Brien,” and I, for one, am thrilled to hear this.

There was a show a few years ago, that I am sure no one watched but me, where Loeb tried to find a man. She was quite endearing and I found myself rooting for her. Not only is she a cool chick but she is also responsible for the lyrical genius of “Stay,” a song I continue to play on repeat to this day.

Sidebar: anyone who serves jumbo crab cakes at their reception is A-okay with me. I can just picture the cheese spread now…

Mazel tov!

You Get What You Pay For

In Victorville, CA, 70 miles northeast of Los Angeles, a man was arrested for stabbing his ex-girlfriend 6 times right in her boobies because he had paid for them and the two have since split. According to the man’s former roommate, “the defendant wanted to reclaim what was rightfully his.” I have heard of spiteful breaker-upees asking their partner for everything back that he or she may have gifted, but this clearly crosses a line. Just a tad. (more…)

Getting Laid By Shelling Out $30K

Sure, meeting someone can be difficult. Having recently gone through a break-up myself, I know that it can feel as though the only options out there are set-ups, blind dates and/or drunken hook-ups. There are many out there who try to tell you that it’s easy to meet someone at the park, at a craft fair, or at the supermarket… but as a friend once told me, “You do NOT meet someone in the supermarket! I don’t care how long you spend in the produce department!” (more…)