When are they doing the celebrity episode on Intervention?

So you lost custody of your child? That’s sad but what’s sadder is that instead of looking within yourself to reflect, you lashed out at her.

Courtney writes:

“I hate to sound cold but any kid of mine who pulls this shit has lost her position. She was deceptive, she lied and she’s lying to herself. My daughter is not always honest. She is clearly deluded if she thinks she can buy her grandmother a small house in L.A. I’d love to see how that works. She thinks she has all this money. The point is, I have all the money she has.”

I don’t get what she’s throwing down there? She has all Frances’ money or she has as much money as Frances? If she’s really hard up for money instead of taking her daughter’s she can just kill Kurt Cobain’s soul even more by licensing his music out to, ummmmm…..McDonald’s.

Hello, hello, hello, hello

Put the fries on, they are outrageous

Here we are now, supersize us

I have ecoli, I’m contagious

Here we are now, apple pie us

That would totally make me take a chance on some blood borne pathogens. I’m not even joking about my love for the McRib. I KNOW! They aren’t real ribs but they infuse rib-like tastiness in my mouth even if they are just the bastard child of ribs. All they need to do is put that sign up–The McRib is back and my ass is U-turning to go get me some. It’s Christmas for my mouth and don’t deny a few of you out there secretly love it. I’m just the only one brave enough to admit it. If McDonald’s made a McSoylent green burger and it was good, I would eat the shit out of it. I don’t care if it’s made from people. Put-it-in-my-mouth.

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Why do these people get to keep sucking our air?

Douche and Doucher

Why would either of these fools think any collaboration between them would lead to anything but regret?

“In a new interview with Access Hollywood, Michael spoke about his friend-turned-foe after he was subpoenaed by TLC to testify in the network’s breach of contract suit against Jon.

According to Michael, he had reached a business agreement with Jon, which TLC claims may have violated their exclusivity pact with the “Plus 8” dad.

“I kept him out of harm’s way when there were paparazzi around … and he stabbed me in the back,” Michael told Access. “When you open your door to somebody and you give them a safe haven and a place to go and then they turn around and bite the hand that feeds or stab you in the back, that doesn’t sit well with me.”

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The Holiday Edition

Due to my funger (I have to wear a finger boot and I keep spelling finger like funger. It’s actually fun so try it.),  I’ve been subjected to a week of no driving.  But luckily the hydrocodone numbs the pain in my soul.  I’ve come across many products I think you all should avoid whatever you decide to celebrate and it is my duty as a hag to warn you so you may live to squee another day.

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It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday

OK, that was a lil dramatical but I must bid farewell for a teensy bit. Due to my lack of coolness and my tendency to injure myself, I am having surgery on Moonday. That’s a shout out to any Twi-heads even though I will not be watching it.

Let me do a recap of my injuries:

• 1981, concussion due to tripping over my own feet and falling down stairs
• 1983, painful no no area injury from walking into my cousins cleats during a big kick
• 1987, another concussion due to not landing jump off pyramid. Well, I landed but broke the fall with my head.
• Skipping a decade, 1993, hand surgery from a honey bear tragedy, it involved a knife.
• 1996, C-section because my baby got stuck
• 2001, C-section because my bebe was too big and again got stuck
• 2006, Removal of baby factory because my body got tired of having babies and shut that shit down
• 2008, Removal of gall bladder for some reason my body decided to shut that shit down too.
• 2009, 2nd degree arm burn involving hot ass soup and lack of coordination of yours truly
• 2009, June bug removal from ear
• 2009, Another accidental stabbing of self while trying to open something
• Two weeks ago, Cutting tendon of right middle finger. Undergoing surgery to reattach tendon, Monday

You get the point, I am a danger to myself and I’m amazed I’m still alive. I shall be recovering and unable to type after they put the pin in my finger. Well, I could type but it would just be one handed typing and I’m going to be on pain pills so I fear what the hell I may type.

I bid you farewell, for a week or so, Squeeple.  Think of me fondly.

May The Bale be with,

Juju(I will cut me)bees

The story that will never die

I know the magazines love a good love triangle and all that. But there comes a time to let it go, and I think the time was over 2 years ago. But the powers that be keep beating this poor dead horse. And despite some comments, I’m not calling Jen a horse.

I can’t stand waiting in line when all there is too look at is how Jen and Brad are secretly hooking up, Angelina’s playing mind games with Jen, Brad’s calling Jen, Jen has a Brad shrine, Jen will never love again. Ahhhhhhhhhhh, who cares and who are these sources? Paco down at 7-11? I doubt any of them are shopping there but I had a good burrito experience there in 1991 so I’m rolling with that.

Is anybody even buying this bullshit anymore? And why will they not just get over it? I just want a simple answer. It’s like that person who has some really good gossip and loves the attention and then they just wont shut uppa their face about it. Do people still care or are they just shoving this down our throats as some kind of punishment? Like when you mother wouldn’t let you have any pudding until you eat your meat? I want to beat someone with a wire hanger every time I see these three on a cover. ENOUGH!

Truly Awesome 80s Shows

Updated with more awesomness. Due to a happy hour and kick ass special on mango margaritas I’m a little late with my update.

It’s time to go back, waaaaaay back, waaaaay back to the 80s. Let’s remember those shows we loved and/or hated but think back and go, awwwwww. And if you don’t remember, then you can look at the shows we watched and laugh and point.

The Love Boat

Love, exciting and new, come on board, weeee’re expecting you…

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Everybody sing with me.

Squee Christmas Puppy

Come now and grab your vodka-laden nog and gather round yon fireplace as I tell you a tale. A scaaaaaary tale of how I was nearly murdered in the face by Walmart.  MUUUUURDDERED I SAY. It was not long after the goblins were all packed away tight….or sent back to the main distribution center till next year. As I went to grab some name brand juice and bargain prices,  I saw it.

The beginnings of the terror that will soon be upon us. At first I felt a rush of joy and glee. It sent a shiver up my spine that was so fantastical, I too wanted to break out in a glee’rific rendition of, Don’t Stop Believing. There in the carton right next to the milk it smiled.  Hello, old friend: EGG NOG!

Oh, I hear your snickering and guffawing, but I make no apologies for my love of teh nog. Frankly you nay sayers, if you put enough scotch or vodka, it’s just fabulous, so zip it. Every year when it goes away I swear it will be the last time I see it. I could make it, I’m sure! Ohhhhhh, I just had a good chuckle thinking about that. I just hate that when I go to the grocery and the nog is gone. But now it’s returned to me in all it’s noggy goodness. I’m just making up alot of these words here, y’all.

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When I said you can eat me, there’s a minor caveat.

Are you brave enough taste the daily special?

I just feel the need to clarify one of my recent declarations. On a particular post, which one, I can’t remember, I declared that if we were all trapped on a mountain or island, you all could eat me. (Mostly because I have a kabob cooking in my Cafe World game; note the irony of this as you read.) After reading some disturbing news this morning, I feel the need to clarify: make sure I’m 100% dead first.

None of this “quick glance” nonsense. Really get in there and check. Feel free to poke me with a stick. Go ahead and stick a mirror under my nostrils. Just to be sure, give me a full day before you commence with the filleting. And finally, wave some chocolate about my facial area and tell me you have beer. If neither of those things work, then I am DEAD. I really want to make sure we are all on the same page here.

Why the worry?  Just this morning I read a very disturbing story about a Russian man who was not clear on his instructions - and got ate. Something is not kosher in the Russian Wodka. Or should I say Russian kabob?

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More like, Crackbook.

Up until that last few months I’ve just logged onto the Faceybook (NO BACKSPACE!) to say “hi,” and see what my friends and family were up to. If you know me, like some of the Hags have recently learned, you know I’m not all that savvy on the computer. But I noticed all kinds of invites and hugs and the poking. Why do fools keep poking you? What is all this extra stuff? I normally ignored it and just read the news feed.

I recently made the mistake of accepting invites to Farmville and Cafe World. My life is ruined. Now my medulla oblongata is inundated with finding neighbors and cash crops. I haven’t been able to go to sleep without making sure I don’t plant any crops that will need to be harvested while I’m asleep. I also need to strategize that I will have enough food for the cafe and I’m ashamed to say I’ve been using a few cheats. What have I become? And, do you want to be my neighbor? Just askin.

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Probably

I was listening to a morning show this a.m., and there was a fun segment called “Does that make me crazy?”  The premise is that listeners call in with their quirks or OCDness and ask that famous question we all want the answer to.  ”Am I quirky or am I just crazy?”  I thought I’d pose the question here.

• I like to sleep on the side closest to the front door, so I can run if and when an axe murderer tries to attack me.  Does that make me crazy?
• I never put my face directly in the shower stream, because I think I may drown.  Does that make me crazy?
• I section my food in their own areas so my food never touches.  And if they touch, I refuse to eat cross-contaminated food.  Does that make me crazy?

Now it’s your turn to share.  What makes you a little on the crazy?

TV: Oooops, you did it again

V - you remember it, TV watchers from the 80s?

I was ready to hate it, but then I saw Scott Wolf’s cute face. Awww, he’s a big boy now and I don’t think they even have to give Scooter any booster seats. I used to watch that show religiously and for back then it was a pretty heady show to pull off. And I loved  me some Beastmaster. If you don’t know who Mark Singer or Beastmaster are, go brick yourself in the face. I’m not asking you twice; all you need to know is he had a golden mullet bestowed upon him by the Greek Gods.

Normally I hate remakes but I truly don’t mind them if they are done well. And this is a show that screams for updating. If you don’t know the premise, first, go brick yourself again. Aliens show up on our planet wanting some snacks and in return they will provide us with amazing new technology. Whatevs aliens, I already have an iPhone, and unless you come with flying cars and jet packs, go home. I need to mention that for these aliens snacks = us. Snacks are made from people - made from peeeeee- puuuullllll.

The special effects are movie quality and pretty fricking good. And unlike Flashpoint, anysqueeple can figure this out. I know it’s fun to be clever and edgy. But why do TV people think that means you need a degree in quantum leap physics to figure your damn show out. Although, Quantum Leap was great and not too complicated. Stop taking me back in time, then the future, then in the far future and ahhhhh!

We’re just beginning to meet the characters and get some back story. Anna, the leader alien is strangely beautiful but suuuuuper creeeepy. All the Vs are quite attractive and Anna is all kinds of attracted to Scooter, sorry, Chad (played by Scott Wolf).  She claims him for herself. Hmmm, things are not kosher already.  Are they claiming breeding mates? Soon after arriving they start curing peeps of ailments and wanting to set up embassies. Humans do not take well to this and there are riots. Sorry aliens, that’s how we roll on earth. Also, some terrorist types think this is a perfect time to attack our capitalist pig asses. Luckily there is one single cop and her partner to protect us. Good thing this is just TV or we would be screwed since they found a ton of C4. (more…)

Remember that movie with Barbra Streisand and Kris Kristofferson?

It’s kind of like that, but creepier.  Sure, Judy Garland did it in A Star Is Born, but Babs and Kris had awesome 70s hair.  Now David Hasselhoff wants to make all of Mitch Winehouse’s dreams come true.  If you enjoy creepy dads talking about their daughter’s boobs:

“I think she looks great.  I think every bit of her looks great at the moment. She didn’t do her boobs for vanity reasons.” Winehouse has been quoted as saying.

I hate to disappoint you, Mitch, but unless you need breast reconstruction (for medical reasons, it’s for vanity) you might like this show.

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The schadenfreude edition

I do it and I know you do it too. Don’t even try to hide it. I had to accept this as I watched Flipping Out. I love that show to bits and one reason is because Jeff Lewis is sick in the head. And guess what?  So am I. I knew this fact to be true as he laughed about a client being poisoned by a bug bomb and throwing up on the side of the house.

I tried very hard to be disgusted because that seemed the appropriate thing to do. My father spent most of his time teaching me to imitate human emotions. Wait, I’m thinking about someone else. I found that I couldn’t push down the bubbling laughter and I laughed along with him. But there were times when I’ve had to pretend I found a situation sad or ridiculous so as not to appear 10 years old. Like when I watch Super Dave. I laugh, laugh, laugh, but had a friend who thought it was the stupidest show on earth. We aren’t friends anymore.

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An open letter to the crazed cat killing fan of Miley Cyrus

Recently Miley beat out both Britney and Kanye for worst celeb influence. I have no idea why that is.

Dear Crazy Person,

I understand you love you some Miley.  I, too, was young and crazy once. I once lied to my mother so my friend and I could sleep out for some Bon Jovi tickets.  And then the roads iced over on concert night, so my friend and I walked two miles to buy chains for my tires and went anyway.  And then I accidentally hit a car in the parking lot and fled.  Sorry about that, Person Whose Toyota Corolla I Hit.  I understand that not being able to see or get tweets from your fave celeb can make you a little insane in the membrane.

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Hey, Joe Jackson, the son you mentally damaged is dead, what are you going to do?

Joe Jackson: I’m going to Vegas to find ho’s and make money off of his memory. Wooooooooooo.

Joe mourning the passing of his son at the Las Vegas premiere of This is It.

Awww, look how sad he is here standing with the douche brigade as he accepts a star on behalf of his son. Having Don King in Vegas as opposed to any family members just adds the right touch of class.

What, not even LaToya was there? Weird, I’m pretty sure she’d show up to Taco Bell if they were going to premiere a new gordita. She’s a giver and not really that picky.

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I can’t live, if living is without you

*NEW AND IMPROVED WITH UPDATE*

For those of you who have AT&T, they have a new tracking program. It’s called Family Map and it tracks the location of the phones on your account. The major drawback is that depending on your location it may put your location within a few feet or a few miles. But it will give you a general idea of where the phone user is at.

And this my friends is how I, FOUND MY IPHONE. Yes, Iphone is back home with me and none too soon. She was near death and I could see her battery was on red line. Get the paddles, stat. After a good charging we played some yazee  with the kids and had Mexican for dinner. Good times, good times.

But this makes me feel pissy at wireless companies. They can find our fecking phones but choose not to. There is software out there that can track stolen and missing phones. Of course none of them can help you unless you’ve dowloaded the software on the phone.  I think it would be a money maker for them but I’m not sure if it makes them more money for us to have to buy a new phone before our upgrades.

There are a few free softwares on itunes which is much cheaper than their, Mobile Me, option which is around $99. Family Map, has a monthly charge which wouldn’t be so bad if it was more acurate. So, lesson learned and get ya’ll some low jack for your damn phones. Learn from my dumbassedness. And it turns out it was hiding in a cusion of a pull out lounger. It slid out of my pocket and the ringer was one but muffled. I couldn’t even hear the cries of help, ring ring, ring ring, RING RING!

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I see no fash-on, it’s all a big fash-off

Let’s you and I have a little pow wow, Lindsay. I know you really think you dress well and sometimes you really look cute (pre-banana hair and orange skin). But I really think you need to ditch the fashion designer thing. It’s not a good start when the man who hires you admits it’s just a publicity stunt:

“Mounir Moufarrige, the new chief executive of Ungaro, said his intention was to give the aging brand the equivalent of “electric shock treatment.”

I don’t know if maybe you thought that was a compliment? But I should let you know they really don’t do electric shock treatment anymore because, it’s not good.

I also want to show you something, Lindsay.

Look, those are genie pants. You know who wears genie pants, genies? Oh, and Vanilla Ice as well as Mc Hammer. But it was the 80’s and everyone was doing it. And I’m not even going to start in on the cumberbund and cape look. WWTGS (what would Tim Gunn say)?

Probably something like, “The whole thing looks like faux bois.”

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Mother turns home where sons died into a haunted house

On May 29, Mario Cisneros, 5, his 3-year-old brother, David Cisneros, and their puppy died in a fire when they were overcome by smoke. The two little boys were hiding in a bathroom after getting seperated from their grandmother.

11 family members all lived in the home.

As a memorial to her sons, their mother is turning the home into a haunted house. The house has been gutted and she’s decorated it with two headstones with her sons’ names on them. Planters are filled with their toys as well as their pictures. The mother feels since that it’s a haunted house it should be scary.

Yeah, that’s pretty scary all right. I know we can’t judge what we would do in certain situations. But sometimes it’s kind of hard not to. She said she hadn’t decided whether to charge or take donations but there is a sign charging $3. It all feels pretty creepy to me. And I can’t say I’d want my kids roaming a gutted house and I would worry how it would affect my children.

I’m all for honoring our loved one’s no longer with us. But this feels koo-k00 bananas and charging 3 bucks feels weird. Or am I just a sour puss?

Crap you don’t know you need

Once again I bring you my award winning article (What? I gave myself an award in the kitchen, it counts) finding you the best of crap you need.

6th Anniversary WTC Franklin Mint Proof

Who wouldn’t want one of America’s greatest tragedies stamped on a coin with 15mg .999 of actual metal from the WTC itself? And only 3 years later, this will make a great stocking stuffer for the kiddos. Did I mentions if fucking transforms right before your eyes? Yes, cue Shia Lebeouf. This is not just an ordinary coin, this is no David Copperfield type magic. The towers rise up for a shiny silvery reveal. This was originally was going to be priced at $40. I’m not sure if that’s 2006 money or 2009 money? Either way, for you all we’re gonna give it to your for, ohhhhhhhhhh….. $29.95. How’s that? Enjoy.

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I’ll give you spoilers out the ying yang. Prepare your ying yangs.

November is sweeps weeks and it’s when all TV shows try to shock your pants off. Here are a few tasty teasers of upcoming spoilers.

November sweeps is coming up and the schedule for Fox is out. Check out what’s coming up on Bones, Fringe, and Glee.

Let’s start here:

Bones

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