Tax Edition

Does anybody remember when Obama said we could keep more of our paychecks earlier this year? They started taking out less tax and my check went up almost 20 bucks. Pretty cool right? Well, I just got my taxes done and that shit was not cool. I owe the government $2,000 because they have been taking less tax out of my checks. I didn’t ask them to start taking less, they did it on their own. Now I’m stuck with a crippling tax bill. I’m not a rich person, $50 is a lot of money to me. I don’t know where they get off doing this to people. What about the people who lost their jobs this year? How are they going to handle a huge tax bill? I would have been perfectly happy making $20 less a week to avoid this mess. Thanks Obama, you just completely screwed me.

An open letter to the crazed cat killing fan of Miley Cyrus

Recently Miley beat out both Britney and Kanye for worst celeb influence. I have no idea why that is.

Dear Crazy Person,

I understand you love you some Miley.  I, too, was young and crazy once. I once lied to my mother so my friend and I could sleep out for some Bon Jovi tickets.  And then the roads iced over on concert night, so my friend and I walked two miles to buy chains for my tires and went anyway.  And then I accidentally hit a car in the parking lot and fled.  Sorry about that, Person Whose Toyota Corolla I Hit.  I understand that not being able to see or get tweets from your fave celeb can make you a little insane in the membrane.

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Toyota Prius edition

Guess what, squeeples?  I’m back to hating things. And I found something I hate more than cupcakes: the Toyota Prius.  Every time I see a Prius on the road I immediately become agitated and want to speed up next to them and honk erratically until the unsuspecting driver of said Prius looks over at me, so I can flip them off.  That- or swerve into them with my tough-as-nails American made piece of moving machinery.  I’ve wondered on several occasions why I don’t carry a sign that says “Fuck you and your Prius” to hold up when I’m next to them.  I’ll tell you why I hate the Prius:

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I blame reality t.v.

I hope she's getting ready to punch IAAF in the face!

I am sure that most of you have read about the trials and tribulations of Caster Semenya, a South African runner who is getting treated like shit by THE ENTIRE WORLD.  For those of you who haven’t, here is the short version: Caster is a middle distance runner who, earlier this year, shaved LOTS of time off her 800 and 1500 m races.  After that, the IAAF was all “dude looks like a lady,” and started gender testing her.  There were two problems, however.  One, the IAAF initially told her they were drug testing her - so she didn’t even know they were looking into her lady business until, two, some IAAF assholes leaked that Caster was being gender tested.  The media has since seemed to take particularly delicious pleasure in embarrassing the hell out of this 18-year-old.

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Insomnia Edition

There’s nothing worse than being tired but not being able to sleep. I’d rather be bricked than lose sleep. It’s been 3 days and I’ve gotten a total of like 3 hours of sleep. At this point I feel like Edward Norton in Fight Club. No need to worry though, I’m not planning on building a cult of middle-aged men and blowing up banks. I just feel sorry for the first person to ask me a stupid question today, hell fury is going to rain down on their head. It sucks because I’m tired at work but when I try to go to sleep I’m wide awake. I can’t be the only one that has this problem, right?

Truly, Madly, Deeply

Cupcakes. I hate them more than anything ever created. I hate them more than pollution, traffic jams, Rosie O’ Donnell, even more than the New York Yankees. They are my arch nemeses. Now you may be wondering, “Why Mae? How can you not love cupcakes? They’re gooey, cute and sweet confectionary goodness.” Well, that’s why I hate them.

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10 More Things I Hate and You Should Too!

1.  Women who slouch their coats at their elbows: Is it on? Is it off? Make a choice!

2.  Scrubbing the baseboards, especially in the kitchen: Ew. Ew. Ew. Especially when you have two rather large, rather furry dogs.

3.  People who turn their turn signals on too soon and/or forget to shut them off: We get it; you’re turning. SHUT IT OFF ALREADY!

4.  The government: Enough said.

5.  People who leave the bottle caps sitting on the counter rather than throwing them away: Seriously, you have to walk past the trash. Throw ‘em away!

6.  People who save cups from fast food restaurants: I’m looking at you, brother! There’s no need to save 5 different large cups from Wendy’s, Arby’s, Taco Bell, etc.

7.  People who do not rinse left on food and sauce on their plate and leave it sitting in the sink: Seriously, the dishwasher is empty, next to the sink and doesn’t work miracles. That’s what garbage disposals were invented for! Rinse it off!

8.  Women over 40 who dress like 20 year old street walkers/strippers: Honey, that white spandex, barely below your butt cheeks dress and white pumps isn’t working for you. You look like a 1980s porn star. Especially with frosted, feathered hair.

9.  Men who tuck in T-shirts: No, just no.

10.  Men (or women) who have their cell phones clipped to their belt: You don’t look important. You look like a doosh.

Image Source.

You Didn’t Love Him On Tuesday

What the hell is wrong with people? Everyone has spent the last decade talking about what a freak Michael Jackson is and then the second he dies he’s some sort of hero. I have a problem with that, and I’m fairly sure he would, too. Why is it when a celebrity dies they are automatically ascended to god status? Remember Anna Nicole Smith? People did the same thing with her when she died, and I can’t recall even one person that didn’t make fun of her when she was still alive. TMZ and People feel the need to report every detail about Michael Jackson to us now. Hell, 98% of TMZ is currently Michael related. When was the last time you heard him on the radio? Since he died I’ve heard him on almost an hourly basis. Don’t get me wrong, it sucks that he died, because he had kids and I don’t wish death on people, but people are getting way out of hand. If you had really loved Michael as much as you say you did, he wouldn’t have spent his final years as a social outcast.

Is somebody killing rabbits in the laundry room?

My dryer decided that it would be great to start squeaking yesterday. It’s not even a quiet squeak; it’s loud enough to wake the dead. Well, maybe not the dead, but it is loud enough to wake my husband which means it’s pretty freaking loud.

I’m pretty sure it’s just part of a larger plot to make me insane. I blame Paris Hilton and Miley Cyrus. They’re behind every squeaky dryer and creaking door. They’re aliens sent to take over the world by annoying people to death. Recently they’ve sent a new operative in the form of Miss California. Call me paranoid but when everybody’s brains leak out of their skulls don’t say I didn’t warn you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to fashioning my tin foil hat.

Conference calls Edition

Don’t you hate it when you get sucked into and hour and a half  long conference call that you really didn’t need to be a part of? Isn’t even worse when the call could have been 15 minutes if the other people on the line would have saved their dumbass questions for another time? I don’t need to know about your business.

Here’s my situation. Two of my coworkers are out tending to their daughters’ needs right now; so that leaves three of us plus the receptionist to take care of everything. Once I hang up with one disgruntled plumber or wholesaler I immediately have to listen to another. Forcing me to participate in an overly long conference call while someone asks insipid questions forces me to leave the other two poor souls to answer all the calls while I  listen to crap I already know.

So, great, dude;  you got to stroke your ego and feel like you accomplished something. I’m happy for you.  Thank you for wasting my time.  Have a nice day.

I know I can’t be the only one that has had to sit in on some sort of corporate masturbation when they’ve had better things to do. Tell me about your shining example of others wasting you precious time.

Smug Prius Owners Edition

Dear Oh-So-Superior-Prius-Owners*,

Ha!

Maybe my Honda Fit doesn’t run on electricity, and maybe it doesn’t get 50 miles to the gallon, city, if that’s what you really get. Maybe it only gets 35. Maybe it doesn’t do all that. But I’ll tell you what else it doesn’t do: speed up to 84 mph without my consent.

Wipe that smug green smile off your face.

* I don’t hate Prius owners. I hate annoying Prius owners. I have a healthy respect for the environment and anyone else who does, but Prius has been elevated to the status of driving a BMW. Some consider it an environmental badge of honor. I have issue with the superiority over other car owners. Until you are biking 20 miles to work everyday, save your superiority but thank you for being able to afford a Prius and making the choice to drive one, instead of an SUV. But remember, you still fill it with fuel like the rest of us, not compost.

Children Edition

Children. I really fucking hate children. I like my niece, she’s 12. And I’ve always liked her because she has always been (albeit shockingly) well mannered and courteous growing up, considering her mom and dad (my brother) are a bunch of divorced fucking idiots. I like my kid, but then again that could be because I gave her up for (open) adoption at birth. She may very well be an asshole. She is my kid after all, but I digress.

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Shaq

Shaq kicks ass.  If you don’t believe me, watch this video:

Shaq (THE_REAL_SHAQ)  dominates not only the basketball court, but also the Twitterverse.  He even tells @oprah what’s what.

Move over Ashton Kutcher and Larry King.

Your music sucks almost as much as your friends

Am I the only one who is sick of this girl? Her music is sub-par and way over played. In every picture I see of her, she’s wearing something “edgy” or “retro” and she has this smug look of self satisfaction that makes me want to pee in her eyes. If that’s not bad enough she’s friends with the dumb orb known as Perez Hilton. I’m sorry, you have to have an IQ below 30 to hang out with someone who still thinks it’s funny to draw cum dots on people. Did I mention her music sucks? If I hear the “hot and cold” song one more time, I might jam pencils in my ears.

Stupid Lady Edition

Way to put the women’s right movement back 20 years!! Seriously, that is just sad.

Please excuse me, I have to go locate my faith in humanity, I seem to have lost it.

10 Things I Hate and You Should Too, Edition

No. 8, You're cordially invited to a brick party

1. 3 o’clock in the morning: I’m usually up at this time and 3 o’clock is the world’s way of telling me I’m a degenerate. How you ask? Because that’s when any semblance of decent programming goes off the air and I’m stuck with infomercials about male enhancement pills and the Aerogarden.

2. The voice black comedians use when making fun of white people: Seriously, we don’t all talk like we wear Lacoste, nor do we talk like our mothers breastfed us too long, cut it out. Thanks!

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Post Office Edition

I sent out four Christmas cards in December; all four got ripped open. Two out of the four had gift cards in them; the gift cards were stolen. My in-laws sent me a check for my birthday over a week ago. It should take no more than 2 days to get here, but it’s still not here. The post office can blow me and they can blow you too, for that matter. How hard is it to get something from point A to point B? Why can’t you bring the mail at the same time every day? Why do you make me wait in line for an hour to pick up a piece of mail that should have been delivered to my house in the first place? You suck, Post Office.

Spreadsheets are sent from hell

Why are spreadsheets so tedious and irritating?  Seriously, they irk me like nothing else. You spend hours inputting numbers into tiny little slots.

Ha, I said slots.

Any time you do a spreadsheet and submit to the person that asked you to do it, they always tell you that something needs to be changed. “I know I told you to do it that way but now I think you need to start over and make it look like this.” Great, farking great.

If I had absolute power I would do away with all spreadsheets. They would be replaced with booze and potato chips.

Cupcakes Edition

Cupcakes. I hate them more than anything ever created. I hate them more than pollution, traffic jams, Rosie O’ Donnell, even more than the New York Yankees.  They are my arch nemeses. Now you may be wondering, “Why Mae? How can you not love cupcakes? They’re gooey, cute and sweet confectionary goodness.” Well, that’s why I hate them.

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May you down in flames sickness!!!

I have a cold. I live in the desert, it’s 70 degrees outside and I have a cold. Whoever thought it would be funny to make people cough and drip fluid from their nose for days should be kicked somewhere. I don’t care where: head, balls, kidney…wherever. Also, kick the genius that invented sinus infections. Why is it we can figure out how to remove a gallbladder via the vagina but we can’t cure a common cold? I call bullshit.