Putting the arse in Barcelona

In this week’s GOOP, Gwyneth addresses the biggest problem currently facing most readers in their every day lives: What, oh what, do I do while in Barcelona, Spain? This is a question that keeps people up at night, tears families apart, and is the number one source of stress-related heart attacks. I know I, personally, am often in Barcelona, and am unsure of where Gwyneth Paltrow would think I should stay. You know, the Lonely Planet just doesn’t reflect my sophisticated sensibilities, so I’m glad this week’s GOOP has come along.

So, let’s see what Gwyneth has to say:

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In which Gwyneth jams my Inbox

In this week’s GOOP (the longest GOOP ever)*, Gwyneth decides that she’s going to help us, and everyone around us, become better people.  We all drink too much have a “friend” who drinks too much, and Gwyneth wants to help us to really understand what’s up with that. To do that, she has consulted with six people of dubious credibility to provide us with a vast swath of New-Agey hogwash from all different sides of the hokey spectrum.

If, like me, you’re tired of embarrassing yourself and your friends at parties, this week’s GOOP is for you. Let’s take a look-see at what the gurus have to say.

*seriously, it took me 25 minutes to read.

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Cooking with Bullshit Edition

In this week’s GOOP, Gwyneth Paltrow decides to share some recipes with us. These recipes aren’t just any recipes, though. They belong to Pablo, the chef of her friend Giancarlo Giametti, or “GG” as he’s affectionately known. GG is described as an “Italian gentleman… longtime friend and partner of fashion legend Valentino Garavani.” Apparently having a chef isn’t GG’s only extravagance. Gwyneth claims that he lives in exceptional style, the likes of which she has never seen. I’m picturing butlers, Rolls Royces, gold toilets and expensive lavender moisturizers.

These recipes had better be good.

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In which Gwyneth brings the noise, AND the funk.

Have you always wondered what kind of new, hip, insider-y music celebrities have access to? You’d think with all their money and free time, they’d have the ability to keep up with the latest trends in the music industry. This should be especially true in Gwyneth’s case. Now, Gwyneth sucks, but she’s married to Chris Martin from Coldplay (who also kind of sucks). Nonetheless, you’d think this “in” with the music industry would give her access to a fresh, new playlist full of undiscovered gems.

So, in the spirit of sharing her vast wealth of musical knowledge with you, this week’s GOOP presents several playlists developed by Gwyneth and her music insider friends. The playlists, entitled “Party Jams”, are intended to set your dance floors, and souls, on fire.

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In which Gwyneth “tightens our programs”

In this week’s GOOP, Gwyneth brings some make-up tips from, as she puts it, the people who transform her into a “semi-presentable woman.” Yay! No more looking like a hobo! At least from the neck up. I can’t afford that $700 jumpsuit just yet . To help us out, Gwynnie consults with three experts on how to “tighten our programs” and look more aesthetically appealing.

What the?! Wait a minute… did she just imply that my “program” is loose? I’ll have her know it’s nothing of the sort! My program is exactly what it should be! I never… Who just walks around making assumptions about other people’s programs, willy-nilly?

Ugh. What a cow. Let’s see what she has to say.

There’s some pretty standard make-up advice… use concealer! wear lip balm! apply mascara! Whatever, we all know about that crap. But there are also some slightly less orthodox beauty tips she’d like to share.

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Spawn of Seitan

In this week’s GOOP, a “Go,” Gwyneth decides to enlighten us on the best places to eat when you have kids. You see, Gwyneth was tired of having her organs assailed by your typical, child-friendly food. But for some reason, children just don’t seem to enjoy eating organic whey and sorghum mash. Who’d a thunk it? So, she took it upon herself to share options that should appeal to kids and adults alike.

Now, the list, in and of itself, isn’t really that offensive. It’s kind of a useful idea. And honestly, the recommendations could be slightly more outrageous. While we can’t all afford an $18 (small) Caesar salad or a $12.50 Avocado-Hummus wrap, it’s not the $150 fruit salad I was really hoping to see.

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In which Gwyneth Paltrow critiques your Inner Aspect

Each week, GOOP falls into a certain category: Do, Make, Go, Be, See, and Get. Well, last week’s installment is the first “Get” I’ve come across, and it’s deliciously infuriating. It’s like the filet mignon at the rage buffet; the foie gras in the I-Hate-You Bistro; the butter and goose fat at Gwyneth’s dining table.

In this week’s GOOP, Gwyneth advises us how we can keep our spring wardrobe in keeping with the demands of 2009. And surprisingly, we don’t have to break the bank to do it! (N.B.: This is only the case if your bank is unusually large. If you have less than $1,000 to spend on a season that lasts about 3 weeks, you are reading the wrong newsletter.)

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In which Gwyneth fattens you, then shames you.

In this week’s installment of GOOP, Gwyneth continues the about-face she began last week, in which she encourages you to suddenly care about the size of your ass and stop being such a fatty. That’s right, Gwyneth called you fat. I heard her myself. But it’s okay, because she called me fat too. We’re all in this together.

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Her ego is a super-ego

In this week’s GOOP, Gwyneth Paltrow talks to us about… you guessed it… eating! In this week’s entry, however, she isn’t extolling her love of butter and goose fat. Rather, she’s done us the favor of providing us with recipes for people who “care about the size of their butt.”

K, wait a second Gwyneth. You’re impossible. I ate the poussins, I made the lava cake, I ingested the goose fat drenched in hollandaise, and NOW you’re telling me I should care about the size of my butt? You duplicitous hussy.

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In Which Gwyneth Paltrow Runs Our Lives

This week’s installment of GOOP is, once again, focused on food. Surprise! In her infinite generosity, Gwyneth has decided to share with us some stories and recipes from a dinner she shared with Emeril Lagasse and Mario Batali, two world-renowned chefs.

The menu actually sounds a little delicious, and, compared to Valentine’s poussain-fest of 2009, rather easy and inexpensive to prepare. It consists of Chicken with Onions, Lemon and Saffron; Fennel and Blood Orange Salad; and Grilled Homemade Flatbreads. Mmmmm.

Okay, so, since the menu is beyond reproach-thanks for nothing, Mario Batali!-the mind is left to wonder what an evening among such eclectic company would be like.

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Analyze This

This week’s installment of GOOPing is neatly timed. Only yesterday, Gwyneth took to the fine pages of People to defend her beloved newsletter against the critics. She believes the antipathy toward her oeuvre results from the fact that people just don’t “get” it. We’re afraid because she’s doing something new and different. She’s challenging our ways of seeing people, and the world. She’s forcing us to think outside the box.

Gwyneth, you’re right. You’ve reached deep into the recesses of my psyche, and figured out the source of my dislike for you. Now, let me return the favor. In this week’s GOOPing, I’m going to dissect Miss Paltrow’s advice to get a glimpse into her soul.

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In which Gwyneth Paltrow runs our lives

In this week’s installment of GOOP, the newsletter in which Gwyneth Paltrow advises us on how to live and breathe, we are taught how to be less “spent”. Spent is a feeling we are all familiar with at some point, maybe after spending 3 hours cooking poussins. It involves being hella tired, wanting coffee, being groggy and having no energy–otherwise known as “life.”

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In which Gwyneth Paltrow runs our lives

I’m sure you’ve all heard, at some point, about GOOP, the “lifestyle” website and newsletter created by Gwyneth Paltrow. Its premise is fairly simple: Gwyneth provides readers with invaluable guidance in how to live, what to see, things to eat, and what to buy. So basically, she micromanages us worse than our mothers, but in a much less practical fashion.

Gwyneth, I don’t doubt that your heart is in the right place, but your advice sucks. And I think, each week, I’m going to devote some time to examining just how much.

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