Continues to Be Adequite!

Jesus H. Biscuits and gravy with a side of shrimp grits, y’all.  Lindsay Lohan continues to break my heart.  OK, she doesn’t really (although it’s true that I have a soft spot for her… and Britney),  but I did watch Mean Girls recently and she was just so damn good in it, TMIMO.  She was healthy, had a normal sized rack, her hair was the proper color, and well… she didn’t look like a cracked out whackadoodle.  But those days are long gone.  And maybe it’s time I poured some on the curb for my cracked out homey and just let go of the sadness.  This girl is beyond help.  She keeps callin’ it a comeback, but L.L. can’t even help her now.

Lindsay’s notion of a “comeback” seems to be all about sex and nekkidness.   Leggings with kneepads?  Check.  Nude photo shoot that is a failed attempt at paying tribute to Marilyn Monroe?  Check.  Nude photo shoot that is a failed attempt at paying tribute to the steamy decade-old relationship between British coke vacuum model Kate Moss and hot cup of Bale Johnny Depp?  Check.

From the New York Post:

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And Maybe YOU’LL Love OUR Exotic, Kooky, Assy Condiment?

LOOK AT THAT ASS*! It's just RIGHT OUT THERE, for everyone to be shocked and amused by! *note: not really this model's ass.

It’s so hard to find the new, cool thing.  This is a difficult time in marketing for the whole world. The global economy is in a terrible state, but everyone wants to see something edgy and new. Well, no one can afford to come up with a whole new thing. So. We try to turn something old and overlooked and dusty into something new again! America’s got crazy, scene-lovin’ hipster kids peddling Miracle Whip as a “lifestyle choice,” and Japan’s decided to promote their asses (or someone’s asses, anyway, screenprinted onto the backs of their skirts in ways that look like would be REALLY uncomfortable if they were real). Japanese booties and Miracle Whip have been overlooked for years!

Tone it down?! What?!? Not THIS free spirit's* Miracle Whip! *note: model is not an actual free spirit .

Give it some thought. When you think of the American flag, do you think of Miracle Whip? No. Because nobody likes Miracle Whip. But THAT’S ALL GOING TO CHANGE, now that a bunch of 19-year-olds are making duckfaces while shoving a jar of it in your face! And when you think of Japan, do you think of asses? No. The Japanese have many, many beautiful features, as a people - but asses aren’t typically the feature you think of first. WELL GUESS WHAT? That’s all gonna change! Because a bunch of 19-year-olds making duckfaces are shoving them in your face! They’re as stylish as Winkers (maybe more so!), and it’s okay that they’re not real, because neither is Miracle Whip.

So everyone wins! Sort of! This economy is going to change, y’all, with the help of Miracle Whip and weird pretend-assless skirts! MARK MY WORDS!

The Shareef does in fact like it

You know what I love aside from watching stuff and my snack packs?  FASHION! Fashion, shopping, hair, and make-up.  Do not even take me near a Sephora or you better prepare to watch me transform into a make up zombie. Must. Have. Samples.  So I shall bring to you some super sweet hair-do’s and products.  Enjoy and let me know any products I should be using.  I only have one head but I like to put as much crap as I can get on my hair.

Reece’s pieces:  I love this cut and it looks well-suited on those squee’rs with straight unmanageable hair.  You can even do a shorter version if you have shoulder length hair.  This could also work with those of us with wavy hair if you have the time and patience to work with your flat iron. Even if you do have straight hair a flat iron and some product will give it that red carpet look even if you’re just working the grocery aisle runway. Some of my favorite stuff to help this look happen.  (Aside from photoshopping.):

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Cheap, easy and inappropriate - kind of like us!

If you’re like us, smoking hot procrastinators who are also hella cheap, you haven’t even begun to think about what you are doing on Halloween, much less what you will be wearing.  Although I think it has been long enough for Crazy Protractor Face to be retro, you may want something a bit more elaborate.

via videosift.com

Don’t fret, dear Squeers, we have put in the work to present you with Hag-approved costume ideas for All Hallows Eve.

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If the French are doing it then it must be fashionable

I admit I missed the episode of Mad Men where Roger Sterling performed in blackface, but French Vogue is coming out with a 14 page edition with model Laura Stone in black face. Yup, 14 whole pages in blackface. Apparently it’s some celebration lauding Laura Stone for not being the typical super skinny model. Yes, and I know when I’m feeling particularly festive I like to paint my face up and ease on down the road to Baskin and Robbins while singing Suwanee River. It makes total sense to me. How can the rest of the world not get it?

Oh yeah Laura “fatty mcfatterson” Stone wears a whopping size 4. I’m surprised they even found her clothes to wear over that huge ass. Is this seriously happening? There’s a reason people no longer perform minstrel shows or perform in blackface. I was going to write why people no longer put lawn jockeys in their yards anymore but then  I found this.

Notice it’s completely sold out. As someone who’s been called a wet back, I think I would be offended if someone decided to put  a big banana boat with a bad tan on my favorite fashion magazine. I guess soon everyone will be walking around with Chanel grease paint in their Louis Vuittons this fall? This is a crock pot full of fuckery. It’s a crockfuckery and a slap in the face to everyone who ever fought for equal rights. Vogue, you fail and you suck.

Prefers to go with less crazy “tuxedo” instead.

Remember Jonathan Escobar from last week, the kid who was told he could either “dress like a man or go home?” Well, apparently a school in Mississippi doesn’t like cross-dressers much, either. Ceara Sturgis, an openly gay student at Wesson Attendance Center in Jackson, wants to wear a tuxedo in her Senior yearbook photo. The tradition at Wesson is that “female students dress in drapes and males wear tuxedos.” I’m not exactly sure what they mean by “drapes” (because if it’s what I’m thinking, that shit only worked when Scarlett O’Hara and Carol Burnett did it. Hell, I wear dresses just about every day, and you can bet your grandma’s gingham curtains that if given the option between “drapes” and “tuxedos,” I’d take the tuxedo every time.)

So in the spirit of sanity, let’s assume they mean “dresses.”

Ceara doesn’t wear dresses. Ever. She doesn’t own one; there is no REASON for her to own one. She wears boy’s clothes to school every day of her life, and it’s never been an issue. There are only two options; wear a dress (or, okay, “drapes”) or wear a tuxedo - so why on Busey’s green earth would she suddenly choose to wear a dress to be recorded for all time in? It’s not violating the school’s policy for her to wear a tuxedo in her yearbook picture. It’s not breaking any laws.

In August, Veronica Rodriguez, Ceara’s mom, said she received a letter from the school stating that only boys could wear tuxedos. Rodriguez said she met with assistant Superintendent Ronald Holloway who told her he didn’t see regulations about the issue in the student handbook.

But when she talked with Principal Ronald Greer, she said he told her it was his “conviction” that Sturgis wouldn’t appear in the yearbook in a tuxedo.

The Mississippi branch of the ACLU is giving the school until October 23rd to respond to demands to publish the photo or get served.

Seriously, man. “Drapes.”

You Just HAD To Top Lagerfeld, Didn’t You.

At this rate my vagina is going to have to start outsourcing some beat-downs, y’all!

Shoe designer Christian Louboutin is designing three new Barbie dolls in honor of her 50th anniversary, but he’s making them thinner than the standard Barbie - whom he believes is a heifer with fat legs and cankles.

A Louboutin spokeswoman said [about the dolls]: “They’re completely wild and even come with mini Louboutin boxes for the shoes,” but added that the designer “found her ankles were too fat.”

Even Barbie can’t live up to the ridiculous standards being set by fashion designers, you guys! Somehow I find this both outrageous AND hilarious. It’s so silly I almost feel like it’s a waste of my vagina’s time and energy. Then again, it’s already going after Lagerfeld, who probably hangs out with Louboutin, so you know. Two birds, one vagina.

“HE WAS WARNED.” - Sarah’s Vagina

Karl Lagerfeld, I don’t think you understand. My vagina has a mind of her own. She cannot be controlled. You see, the warning you were given a couple of months ago was a mercy that few are lucky enough to get. My vagina doesn’t give a fuck about fashion (oh, if I had a Chanel dress for every time we’ve argued bitterly about it… well, I’d be selling them on eBay and eating a WHOLE lot better, for one) but since I do, my vagina was willing to compromise. ONCE.

My vagina heard what you recently said about the popular German women’s magazine Brigitte’s recent decision to stop using professional models in their fashion editorials, opting instead to use “real” women to reconnect with their readers:

Lagerfeld, who has subjected himself to a rigorous slimming schedule, described the magazine’s decision as absurd and said it had fallen victim to overweight women. The 71-year-old designer added: “Nobody wants to see a round woman.”

“You’ve got fat mothers with their bags of chips sitting in front of the television and saying that thin models are ugly.”

“No one wants to see curvy women,” he was quoted as saying on the website of news magazine Focus.

I’ll tell you, Karl, things aren’t looking good for you right now. I may be sitting here writing this post, but my vagina is on the phone booking a flight to Europe. And she is a fierce, stealthy huntress, Karl! - with lots of scary tricks up her… well, you know. Vagina.

It’s out of my hands now. If I were you, I would do two things.

1) Decide which of your paper fans and high-collared shirts you love the most, and pack them away. If they are on your person when my vagina finds you, they will get messed up.

2) FUCKING RUN.

Kennesaw, GA, You Do NOT Want To Incur My Wrath. I’m In A Hunting Mood.

On his third day at a new school, a boy in Kennesaw, GA, was told that he needed to “dress more manly” for school. The alternative option was to “consider being homeschooled.”  Wait - WHAT??

I am hiking up my “get offa my lawn!” pants now and telling you that back in MY day, there was such a thing as “compromise.” In high school, I had a mohawk. I wore so much black eyeliner and red lipstick that even after I cleaned it off I looked like I’d been permanently bricked in the face - also I wore torn tights, miniskirts with images of bloody knives on them, bustiers and knee-high Doc Martens to school. Was I counseled by my principal that it was a “distraction?” Yes. Was I told that the only alternative was homeschooling? Uh, NO… because THAT WOULD’VE BEEN INSANE. I was told to “tone it down a little, mmm’kay?” which meant “maybe you could look a little less hooker-y.” I stopped wearing the bustiers, started wearing t-shirts, and guess what? Everybody was mmm’kay. THAT is what is known as a “COMPROMISE.”

Jonathan Escobar wasn’t given a compromise. He had two choices: dress like a man or go home. WHAT?!
How ’bout NOT going from zero to mach sixty, and instead start with “Maybe don’t wear the florescent pink wig in your math class, mmm’kay?” Kids need to express themselves, but that doesn’t mean they’re incapable of working with you. So maybe, North Cobb High School, you could try being less of an asshole, mmm’kay?

(Thanks to Sar for the tip!)

But We Will NEVER Wear “Wild Things” Jammies.

Where The Wilds Things Are is my FAVORITE children’s book. I loved it when it was read to me as a child, I loved it even MORE as an adult when I would read it to my cousin when he was little. My tiny cousin (whom I shall call “Tiny Cousin” as I don’t want to embarrass him now that he’s a 6′4″ adult) used to stalk me around the house and then at unexpected moments become Max and yell “RAWWWWWWR!” prompting me to become one of the monsters; then we’d yell “LET THE WILD RUMPUS START!” which was followed by chasing each other around and ending up in a tired heap with me  growling “I’LL EAT YOU UP, I LOVE YOU SO!” as required both by the story and the fact that Tiny Cousin, at four, was almost unbearably biteable.

My point here is that I LOVE THIS BOOK. And the fact that I have cried EVERY SINGLE TIME I’ve seen a preview for the upcoming movie makes me think the movie will be good.

You know what’s NOT good? Fucking up all my happy memories with The “Wild Things Collection.” Regardless of how much I loved the book (and hopefully will love the movie, fingers crossed) I do NOT want to wear Max’s jammies. Why?  Because I’m neither four, nor am I retarded. I might want to put them on some of my friend’s kids (since Tiny Cousin is no longer tiny), but that’s different, and WAY more cute. I also don’t want to wear a fur vest, dress, or coat based on a “Wild Thing.” Fashion doesn’t have to be whimsical, designers! Don’t you know that “whimsy” is just one short step away from holiday sweaters with snowmen, dancing skeletons and other equally abhorrent crap on them? DON’T DO THAT! Please!

ANYWAY. In case you’ve somehow missed seeing the trailers for the movie, here’s one. I dare you to not tear up. I will also call you a heartless bastard if you don’t.

Well, That’s Okay! *WINK!*

You know how, sometimes, you go to your closet and think, “Ugh, I HATE ALL MY PANTS. The rhinestones and embroidery on my back pockets aren’t enough to satisfy my longing for something MORE. Why don’t ANY of my jeans’ backsides do something unexpected? How come people never stare at my ass with an expression of horrified wonder?”

Well, kiddos, those days are over! Because NOW you can own a pair of CUSTOM-MADE “WINKERS (patent pending!)”

These whimsical ass-trocities were thought up and created by William A. Jones, a retired father of five and grandfather of seven who lives in Everett, Washington. One day, while staring at butts, one in particular caught his appreciative eye, and he thought “Is that butt winking at me? Hey! EUREKA! I’m gonna be rich!” And thus, Winkers (again - patent pending, bitches, so STEP OFF) were born.

To discuss fashion! Also your hatred of women!

I will happily admit that I LOVE fashion. I LOVE IT. I watch it, I pay attention to it, I want to be near it, and at times I have invested far too much money in it. Now, I am aware that as a feminist whose vagina gets angry and throws things from time to time, that may seem counterproductive. Well, sometimes it is. And for the most part, I can laugh off the stupidity that fashion and fashion designers sometimes have to offer. THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE TIMES, Y’ALL.

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When did wearing dead animal parts on one’s body become “fashion”?

Designer Reid Peppard has come up with something that I think is weird to the max.  Accessories that are themselves accessorized with stuffed dead animals and dead animal feathers.

First: Um, what?

Second: Yeah.

Third: Wait ’til PETA gets ahold of this one.

Fourth: UM WHAT!?!?!?

Pictures after the jump.

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Miley Cyrus: Fashion Designer

Miley and fashion designer, Max Azria have “teamed up” to design a new line of clothes and accessories “inspired by Miley’s rock-and-roll roots.” Does Miley have rock-and-roll roots? I imagine their partnership to be something like this.

Max: Ok we need to make some decisions on what color to use. What color do you want to make these shirts?
Miley: Puppy color.
Max: Sweetie, we have been over this. Puppy isn’t a color.
Billy Ray: Hey now, if my little girl wants a puppy color shirt you better make it happen Mr. Big Time Fashion Designer.
Miley: Is BBQ sauce a color?

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Sleevelessness Running Rampant in Washington; Millions Presumed Dead

Ok, fine, no one has died from the sleevelessness that has apparently rocked the Washington establishment to its core, but for all the media handwringing and press coverage that Michelle’s sleeveless shenanigans are garnering, I sort of wish someone would die.  In a fire.  A very incendiary fire.

For those of you who have something better to do than freak the fuck out over Michelle O’s wardrobe, Angry Black Lady has some shocking news, y’all.

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The FAIL!

They made us laugh, they made us cry, and occasionally they put us to sleep. And  that was just on the red carpet. Now it’s time for Thundersquee! to return the favor with our  SQUEE!, Meh and Fail picks for the 81st Academy Awards.

On with The FAIL…

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The Meh

They made us laugh, they made us cry, and occasionally they put us to sleep. And  that was just on the red carpet. Now it’s time for Thundersquee! to return the favor with our  SQUEE!, Meh and Fail picks for the 81st Academy Awards.

On with the Meh…

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The SQUEE!

They made us laugh, they made us cry, and occasionally they put us to sleep. And  that was just on the red carpet. Now it’s time for Thundersquee! to return the favor with our  SQUEE!, Meh and Fail picks for the 81st Academy Awards.

On with the SQUEE!…

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Ladies, we’re screwed!

According to Top German designer that I have never heard of, Wolfgang Joop, Heidi Klum is too big to walk the runway and has a stupid smile. “No way,” Joop told German magazine Bild. “She is no runway model! Heidi Klum is simply too heavy and has too big a bust. And she always grins so stupidly. That is not avant-garde - that is commercial!”

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