I can’t decide…

It’s too late.

[via Lamebook]

Carrie Prejean tries to storm off Larry King Live, but instead takes her mic off and just sits there looking stupid.

Also?  Inappropriate Larry King Live FTW.

Also, It Makes You Smell Really, Really Bad.

Vaibhav Bedi has been using Axe Body Spray for seven years, thinking “any minute now, throngs of models in the throes of spontaneous orgasm brought on by my scent are going to launch themselves at me and offer me some boob. And maybe one of them will want a relationship with me, even!”  Well, Vaibhav Bedi thought wrong.

Why is Vaibhav Bedi angry about this?

The company cheated me. It says women will be attracted to you if you use Axe. I used it for seven years but no girl came to me.

Not only was he never once accosted by hordes of beautiful young women, but he wasn’t even offered any casual boob from random passers-by or homeless people. None. Not even one  “Jesus, alright, whatever, just leave me alone if I do it this one time” boob. IN SEVEN YEARS.

The Axe ads promised him that if he bought their douchey-smelling elixirs of douchetasticness and then applied said douchetastic elixirs onto his body, at least one girl would be so overcome by his scent that she’d have no choice but submit to him. And since ads apparently never lie in India, Vaibhav is suing Unilever (makers of said douchetastic body spray) for $40,000. Because in the seven years that he’s been dousing his body in the putrid funk that is Axe Body Spray, not one girl has thrown herself at him whilst ripping her pants off, or otherwise.

Unilever has declined to comment. Because smelling really, really bad speaks louder than words.

Why NOT Call 911 Over And Over Again?

Hee Orama’s boyfriend is a LYING BASTARD, y’all! He told her he would marry her! And then he didn’t marry her! Which is a mean thing to do to a woman prone to being full of crazy! And what do you do when somebody does mean things to you? You call the police, duh! In fact, Hee called them four times, because the first three times she was told by the 911 dispatcher to stop calling 911 over nonsense, well, maybe she just thought they were being mean to her. And what do you do when people are being mean to you? You call the police, duh! Then they come pick you up and put you in jail, which is what happened yesterday morning.

Fortunately, jail is a familiar environment to Hee, because she was there just last week. Because you know how sometimes, you go to the mall or something, and when you come out you’re all “oh, dang, there’s a LOT of cars here, and mine’s one of ‘em, but damned if I can find it”? So then you call 911? And they tell you to stop calling with nonsense, but they’re just being mean, and so you call 911 again? And then they keep telling you to stop calling them, so you call them a couple more times? And then they come and pick you up and put you in jail? It was a lot like that.

You know what else is an emergency? McDonald’s telling you they’re out of Chicken McNuggets.

“I’m at LEAST two”*

Last night I was mindin’ muh business, perusing Facebook, when an update appeared from Rev. Random. Most of you know the Rev. from the comment section and know she usually has something interesting, insightful, or hilarious to add, so my natural inclination was to click the link.  I did, and that’s when all reason left me and I was unable to function or form words for the next several minutes.   What she linked to was this: A story about a Louisiana Justice of the Peace who refused to marry an interracial couple. After reading the first few sentences I twitched, I spasmed, I twitched again and grunted, then finally I let out a stream of expletives that only stopped when my brain shut down in either self-defense, or what might be the first documented case of Tourette’s Overload.

Note: I know many of the hags and squeers are in interracial relationships, or as I like to call them, relationships, so you might want to tape your head before reading.

In the article, Justice of the Peace Keith Bardwell states, “he refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple out of concern for any children the couple might have. ” and that “it is his experience that most interracial marriages do not last long.”

That’s where I started twitching, but it wasn’t until after I tried to wrap my mind around his declaration that he wasn’t a racist that my brain broke. He said:

“I’m not a racist. I just don’t believe in mixing the races that way,” Bardwell told the Associated Press on Thursday. “I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom. I treat them just like everyone else.”

Recipe for cerebral hemorrhage : 1 part confusion, 1 part slack jawed awe at the absurdity, 2 parts anger, stir.

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Prefers to go with less crazy “tuxedo” instead.

Remember Jonathan Escobar from last week, the kid who was told he could either “dress like a man or go home?” Well, apparently a school in Mississippi doesn’t like cross-dressers much, either. Ceara Sturgis, an openly gay student at Wesson Attendance Center in Jackson, wants to wear a tuxedo in her Senior yearbook photo. The tradition at Wesson is that “female students dress in drapes and males wear tuxedos.” I’m not exactly sure what they mean by “drapes” (because if it’s what I’m thinking, that shit only worked when Scarlett O’Hara and Carol Burnett did it. Hell, I wear dresses just about every day, and you can bet your grandma’s gingham curtains that if given the option between “drapes” and “tuxedos,” I’d take the tuxedo every time.)

So in the spirit of sanity, let’s assume they mean “dresses.”

Ceara doesn’t wear dresses. Ever. She doesn’t own one; there is no REASON for her to own one. She wears boy’s clothes to school every day of her life, and it’s never been an issue. There are only two options; wear a dress (or, okay, “drapes”) or wear a tuxedo - so why on Busey’s green earth would she suddenly choose to wear a dress to be recorded for all time in? It’s not violating the school’s policy for her to wear a tuxedo in her yearbook picture. It’s not breaking any laws.

In August, Veronica Rodriguez, Ceara’s mom, said she received a letter from the school stating that only boys could wear tuxedos. Rodriguez said she met with assistant Superintendent Ronald Holloway who told her he didn’t see regulations about the issue in the student handbook.

But when she talked with Principal Ronald Greer, she said he told her it was his “conviction” that Sturgis wouldn’t appear in the yearbook in a tuxedo.

The Mississippi branch of the ACLU is giving the school until October 23rd to respond to demands to publish the photo or get served.

Seriously, man. “Drapes.”

By donating some old crap to charity

That patriotic phone KNOWS it's about to be donated. It's singing "God Bless America" for the love of biscuits

Big news in California, y’all.  The Governor’s wife was caught breaking the law!  Oh the horror!  The scandal!  I bet you’re just dying to know what she did, aren’t you?  It’s going to shock you.  It’s going to awe you.  It’s going to make you cry out “Dear Cruise, have you no sense of decensquee!?, madam?”

Well, sit down, squeeperson.  You don’t want to read this news standing up.  It may just make your knees buckle and if there’s one thing I care about, it’s your safety.  (And bacon.)

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I hope Sarah’s vagina isn’t a Pepsi drinker…

By "tap" they mean "that ass." AMIRITE?

UPDATE ALERT: See the full article for the addendum.

Are you an awkward young male who is pathetically dependent on corporate driven pop culture for advice on how to achieve social success?  Then Pepsi has the iPhone app for you! In order to promote their AMP energy drink, Pepsi recently released an iPhone application called “AMP Up Before You Score.”  In essence, it’s an encapsulated version of the Jack Jericho character in The Pick-Up Artist (sans inevitable change of ways and subsequent emotional and moral redemption), replete with electronic bedpost notching capabilities and handy directions to the nearest bed–an electronic idiot’s guide to scumbaggery.

The gist of the functionality of the app is this: You “identify her stereotype” from a handy list, and the app returns a profile of that type.  The profile is basically a quick study guide to that type’s interests, along with links to more info and a list of lines that might work on her.

Yeah…

One has to assume Pepsi either doesn’t know women drink its products (doubtful), or lacks even a modicum of giving-a-shit-that-women-do (more probable), because there are so many offensive elements to this app that it’s difficult to know where to begin. In order to keep this diatribe from becoming a missive to be nailed on the doors of Pepsi HQ during the Great Soft Drink Reformation the cola corp is surely precipitating, here’s a quick rundown of the most repugnant facets:

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Seriously, you’re a military ship?  But…but…you’re French!

Wow, you guys, the French military actually defeated someone running away from them in combat!  According to MSNBC:

Somali pirates in two skiffs fired on a French navy vessel early Wednesday after apparently mistaking it for a commercial boat, the French military said.

The French ship gave chase and captured five suspected pirates.

No one was wounded by the volleys from the Kalashnikov rifles directed at La Somme, a 3,800-ton refueling ship, French military spokesman Rear Adm. Christophe Prazuck said.

La Somme “was probably taken for a commercial ship by the two small skiffs” about 250 nautical miles off Somalia’s coast, Prazuck said.

So let me get this straight. 

1. Two tiny speedboats tried to take on a giant tanker, as is apparently trendy off the coast of Somalia.

2. The French gave chase, in a bid to apparently forget the humiliation of the epic FAIL of the Maginot line.

The best part is the photo released by the French navy, who proudly trumpet the triumph of their military genius:

Le FAIL.

Beyonce` clown fail!

Jeopardy Fail!

(Thanks to justinsloe for the tip!)

Bull riding extreme fail!

Or is it “fail”?  I’m going with “awesome.”

As Mae just said: “Oh dear.  No.  No.  Don’t reach in…”

(Thanks to Musashi San for the tip!)

Willie Williams Redux

Remember Willie Williams?  Back in the day (2004), he was a high school linebacker being heavily recruited by the likes of Florida, Florida State and Miami.  All of a sudden, his juvenile arrest record came to light after he was arrested for hugging a girl without her permission (seriously) while on a campus visit to Gainesville, and the debate over character vs. talent began.  Miami president Donna Shalala vouched for his character, all but declaring him misunderstood, and Williams enrolled at Miami.

Fast-forward five years.  Williams has drifted through the athletic departments of Miami, Louisville, Glenville State and Union College.  And he was just arrested again.   By my count, this means this misunderstood kid has been arrested at LEAST 15 times.

Last night, college football season started, and after South Carolina beat NC State in what appeared to be a high school JV game, Boise State hosted Oregon on their smurf turf (the field at Boise is blue).  Oregon running back LeGarrette Blount said the following before the game:

“We owe that team an ass-whuppin’.”

Clearly that rout didn’t materialize, as Boise State defeated Oregon 19-8 in a sloppy, turnover-filled mess of a game.  After the game, Boise State player Byron Hout sauntered up to Blount to give him flak about his pregame trash talk.  What’s a pissed off running back to do?

Cold-cock Hout, of course. 

So why the Willie Williams reference?  Well, folks, it seems as though the two have a bit in common - a troubled history where character issues were glossed over because of flashy athletic potential and the promise of BCS glory:

Blount has returned from one suspension already this year, an academic issue that kept him out of spring practice. But cold-cocking an opposing player, taking a swipe at a teammate and attempting to head into the stands after opposing fans is another animal entirely: Blount will certainly be suspended for the foreseeable future, if not the rest of his senior season, and could plausibly be hit with assault charges if Boise State or local authorities were feeling especially vindictive about it. At any rate, his very promising future at the next level is — to use a technical, “insider” term — kaput.

Either way, methinks Blount will be off the team today and facing charges. 

Sportsmanship FAIL, dude.

Flip your hat lid down, raise your right hand, and slap yourself with it.

Yeah, man!  You’re so cool.  You wear your hat like DJ Jazzy Jeff.  You don’t watch television.  You’re too cool for television.  You just sit around in your own doosh-iverse posting quasi-hipster rants on the YouTubes.  You’re like, totally, subverting the dominant paradigm.  While those other fools get “placiated” you’re like, talking to your webcam. You’re AWESOME.

Hey buddy?  You got a little doosh in the corner of your eye.

YOU + LIFE = FAIL.

(Thanks to ManBearPig the Great for the tip!)

Autotuned hell

NFL Guy and I are going to see future Florida State president T-Pain tonight here in New Orleans, but much as I love the man and his sexual exploits on a boat, this is ridonk.

Also, geaux Saints.

Be careful what you post on Facebook…

(Thanks to justinsloe for the tip!)

Miss South Carolina’s long lost sister

(Thanks to Mike B. and James B. - part of the ACC football slack pack - for the tip!)