What else is new?

Notice the vacant eyes and inability to find the camera

We have long known that Heidi Montag and her Doucher Husband Who Shall Remain Nameless are at the pinnacle of Suckdom.  Heidi has surpassed the peak by refusing to attend her sister’s 26th birthday party at LA’s Empire Hollywood without being paid.  People are scoffing in disgust (not really, you know no one is surprised) that the ever popular (hah-HA) beauty (double hah-HA) would do something so frivolous as refuse to attend unless her family pays her. I’m mean, seriously?

“Holly was really wishing that her sister could just be a sister and stop by her birthday party, but Heidi only goes places if she is getting paid,” an insider said. “I mean, this is her sister and she wouldn’t even show up without a fee. That’s disgusting.”

Listen up, Heidi, your family has already suffered, I mean paid, enough.  I don’t particularly like my brother, I especially don’t like his “wife”, but I would never charge them to attend any event I was hosting.  I’m sure Doucher Husband Who Shall Remain Nameless had a hand in it, after all he oozes slime, but this aggression will not stand, man.  If I still followed Heidi on Twitter, I’d tell her that God hates her and she’s a piece of poop.  These two dolts won’t do anything that doesn’t make them money.  MTV probably doesn’t even pay them anymore for The Hills, they just show up where the cameras are rolling. It probably goes down like this. (more…)

If the French are doing it then it must be fashionable

I admit I missed the episode of Mad Men where Roger Sterling performed in blackface, but French Vogue is coming out with a 14 page edition with model Laura Stone in black face. Yup, 14 whole pages in blackface. Apparently it’s some celebration lauding Laura Stone for not being the typical super skinny model. Yes, and I know when I’m feeling particularly festive I like to paint my face up and ease on down the road to Baskin and Robbins while singing Suwanee River. It makes total sense to me. How can the rest of the world not get it?

Oh yeah Laura “fatty mcfatterson” Stone wears a whopping size 4. I’m surprised they even found her clothes to wear over that huge ass. Is this seriously happening? There’s a reason people no longer perform minstrel shows or perform in blackface. I was going to write why people no longer put lawn jockeys in their yards anymore but then  I found this.

Notice it’s completely sold out. As someone who’s been called a wet back, I think I would be offended if someone decided to put  a big banana boat with a bad tan on my favorite fashion magazine. I guess soon everyone will be walking around with Chanel grease paint in their Louis Vuittons this fall? This is a crock pot full of fuckery. It’s a crockfuckery and a slap in the face to everyone who ever fought for equal rights. Vogue, you fail and you suck.

Tell Us! No Judgments! Probably!

Recently, a thought occurred to me.
I might be a doosh, y’all.
Allow me to explain.

There I was, driving along the 64, when the SUV in front of me swerved into the left lane. Then it swerved back into the right lane. Then it swerved BACK into the left lane, slowed down, and came back to the right lane, whereupon it began to pick up speed. My first thought wasn’t “I wonder if he’s drunk.” Nor was it “I bet he’s texting someone, or on the phone.” NOR was it “I hope that guy isn’t having a heart attack.” No. I thought NONE of these. My first, and lasting thought was “fucking Republican.”

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Do-Gooders, Jellyfish Pay Price

You know how sometimes people think they’re playing an hilarious practical joke, but because it’s really douchey and unfunny nobody laughs? And then the guy playing the “practical joke” gets all pissed, and starts acting even douchier? You know the type; we all do. Well, here is a story about just that guy.

Keith Edward Marriott, 41, was at Madeira Beach in Florida on Monday, and thought of the funniest practical joke ever! He pretended he was DROWNING! Apparently, the first person who tried to rescue him didn’t respond by breaking into belly laughs when Keith yelled “Ha-Ha!” so he decided to keep doing it until he found someone with a sense of humor. Which never happened, despite his repeated performance of this riotously witty joke. Surely, you can understand how very frustrating this must have been for Keith!

Well. Everyone has their breaking point, people. Keith finally got angry at all the humorless strangers on the beach for not “getting” his joke. That’s when he began flinging jellyfish at them. And really, who among us can say that they didn’t deserve it?

Jellyfish are also notorious for their inability to take a joke, so you KNOW they deserved it, too.

On His Fragile, Fragile Ego

Chris Brown says Oprah SLAPPED HIM IN THE FACE, y’all!
Well, something like that. Here’s what he really said, when asked by People Magazine about Oprah’s show on domestic abuse, inspired by Rihanna:

“I commend Oprah on being like, ‘This is a problem,’ but it was a slap in my face. I did a lot of stuff for her, like going to Africa and performing for her school. She could have been more helpful, like, ‘OK, I’m going to help both of these people out.’ “

Oprah! How could you be so spiteful, so thoughtless, so ungrateful to this young man who has DONE SO MUCH FOR YOU? He went to Africa AND PERFORMED AT YOUR SCHOOL! Apparently, Oprah, you have violated one of the most basic of rules, which is “I go perform in Africa for you; now you don’t defend the girl whose face I mercilessly beat to a bloody pulp.” Really, Oprah. Manners!

A lie by any other name would still smell like bullshit.

When I first heard about the “death panels” I thought, “sweet, I’m going to apply for that, it will be just like gladiator!” Damn you Sarah Palin, for getting my hopes up. You see, she has been spreading this awesome rumor that the old and infirm would have to stand before a “death panel so (President Obama’s) bureaucrats can decide…whether they are worthy of health care.”  Unfortunately there are to be no death panels and I am out one sweet job.  I mean, can you imagine all the perks and fruit baskets you’d get as a member of this elite group of bureaucrats? I’m talking about pineapple every dang day.  Instead, the bill calls for reimbursing a doctor for patient driven consultations about end-of-life care.  So, basically, if you go, “hey doc, if I have cancer, maybe we should stop treatment if after a year nothing is helping,” or, “don’t you dare do anything, doc, you can pry my life from my cold, dead hands,” your doctor could go ahead and super size his lunch.  Every five years.  So, how is planning for the future a bad thing?  Well, given the Republicans’ track record on wartime spending and exit strategies it seems like is it less of a bad thing and more a fear of the unknown.

Swiper, no swiping!

This man robbed a toddler yesterday while she was at a deli with her aunt.

Now, one must assume that this little girl must have looked very, very rich. Maybe she was wearing her diamond-and-Swarovski encrusted Osh Kosh B’Goshes, possibly with elbow gloves and a tiara. And she MUST have been eating that deli’s finest fish-sticks-and-french-fries dish. SHE WAS FLAUNTING HER WEALTH! There she sat eating her fine food, with her devil-may-care attitude, legs swinging, bag carelessly slung across the table. How could that bag NOT contain riches beyond imagination? How could a young man of twenty-three, perhaps in need of a haircut (for he was later found at a nearby barber shop) resist the allure -  nay! - THE SEDUCTION of such an obvious gift? HE HAD TO TAKE IT! He HAD to know - even for just a few fleeting, glorious moments - how it feels to HOLD that kind of wealth, to be able to look proudly into another’s face and say “I MATTER! And I can prove it with CASH! Of which I believe, in this Dora The Explorer Knapsack, there is PLENTY!”

One can only imagine the crushing disappointment when, upon opening the lush Dora The Explorer backpack, only a few dollars were found. In CHANGE, no less! OH, THE CRUELTY! Our young protagonist (Walter Brown, of Wilmington, Delaware) would have to suffer the embarrassment not only of having to pay for his haircut mostly out of HIS OWN POCKET, but also of having to finish payment of that service by dumping out an assload of nickels and pennies; OH, plus the added humiliation of having been caught after ROBBING A THREE-YEAR-OLD.

Stairs Edition

It is no secret that the manners of America are in decline and everyone seems to have been raised by a pack of wolves. Or in a barn. Or by barn-dwelling wolves. We here at Thundersquee! are fighting the good fight against the tide of barbarism–keeping America klassy, one K at a time!

Let’s take a moment today to talk about stairs. Basically, there are two things one does on stairs: climbing and descending. That is it. You walk up them, you walk down them and occasionally you barrel down them in a laundry basket. Now, when those stairs are in a public setting, your movements, barring physical ailment, should be fairly brisk. No one likes being stuck on the stairs peering up at some stranger’s ass. In case any of this comes as a surprise to you, dear reader or, you would like a handy list to tack up on a co-worker or family member’s door, 95-Thesis style, we have compiled a handy-dandy list of stair etiquette:

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