Or Does She Want To Eat Her Trainer’s Face?

I don’t have a dog, currently, because I rent. That doesn’t make me less of a “dog person,” though - I know me some dogs. And this one is looking like it’s been harangued. (Is “harangued” a word? Maybe! I don’t actually know; but it seems to fit this dog.) Now, I ain’t no PETA representative (although I get why the people that are, are) but something about this is just not sitting right with me. Ears flat back and all twitchy? That’s a sign that the dog in front of you hates your guts but isn’t willing to take that next step (which is biting your face off.) I don’t know what this person did to make this dog “smile” like this, but I’m pretty sure I’m not cool with it. Anyway. You be the judge.

When are they doing the celebrity episode on Intervention?

So you lost custody of your child? That’s sad but what’s sadder is that instead of looking within yourself to reflect, you lashed out at her.

Courtney writes:

“I hate to sound cold but any kid of mine who pulls this shit has lost her position. She was deceptive, she lied and she’s lying to herself. My daughter is not always honest. She is clearly deluded if she thinks she can buy her grandmother a small house in L.A. I’d love to see how that works. She thinks she has all this money. The point is, I have all the money she has.”

I don’t get what she’s throwing down there? She has all Frances’ money or she has as much money as Frances? If she’s really hard up for money instead of taking her daughter’s she can just kill Kurt Cobain’s soul even more by licensing his music out to, ummmmm…..McDonald’s.

Hello, hello, hello, hello

Put the fries on, they are outrageous

Here we are now, supersize us

I have ecoli, I’m contagious

Here we are now, apple pie us

That would totally make me take a chance on some blood borne pathogens. I’m not even joking about my love for the McRib. I KNOW! They aren’t real ribs but they infuse rib-like tastiness in my mouth even if they are just the bastard child of ribs. All they need to do is put that sign up–The McRib is back and my ass is U-turning to go get me some. It’s Christmas for my mouth and don’t deny a few of you out there secretly love it. I’m just the only one brave enough to admit it. If McDonald’s made a McSoylent green burger and it was good, I would eat the shit out of it. I don’t care if it’s made from people. Put-it-in-my-mouth.

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Perez Hilton is named Hispanic of the Year. 

Hispanic Magazine named semen artist Perez Hilton “Hispanic of the Year.” I’ll give y’all a minute to let that Nugget of No Fucking Way sink in.

Perez Hilton is an ass who bring exactly jack and squat to the table, other than a keen ability to ingratiate himself to the celebrities he used to make fun of.

I used to read Perez Hilton. Back when he was pagesixsixsix. Back then, he castigated Paris Hilton on the regular, and I kept reading because if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that Paris Hilton deserves to be castrated. I mean castigated. What did I say earlier?

But then Paris got her hooks in him and he became her BFF.  After that, it was all over.  Perez’s modus operandi became “get me into a party and hang out and take pictures with me or else I’ll draw a cum stain on your face and tell everyone you’re gay.”

I find it offensive as a person who knows a lot of Hispanic people (heh) that this magazine would name this fucktard Hispanic of the year, instead of say, SONIA FUCKING SOTOMAYOR.

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The economy screws you and doesn’t even call you a cab in the morning

We all know the economy sucks- hard! Every time the newspaper or the news station tells you things are getting better the economy kicks you in your hypothetical balls again.

So, dear Squee-ers, we bring you a list of the top reasons why the current state of our economy really sucks.

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Depends on what your definition of “is” is.

As you know, Lady Gaga recently met the Queen (God save her) who remained, as far as we know, unmolested.  What you may not know is that a butt-load of other performers, most with questionable outfits if not acts, also met said geriatric. According to the Daily Mail, which, uh-huh is too a reputable news source (OK, I choked on that), Cyrus had the most daring outfit of the evening.  Because she was mostly nekkid.  Now, maybe I am just jaded with respect to shorts, but let us compare:

Gaga did a latex Elizabethan number - taking the revered symbol of the Brit monarchy and beginning of Queen rule, bondaging it up and performing in her Queen-Loves-Latex outfit before the current Queen.  I’d say that is pretty daring.  Gaga also played on a piano inspired by Dali (elephant legs from the Temptation of Saint Anthony) on a seat suspended from the rafters.  Also pretty daring.

Miley Cyrus, on the other hand, wore leather hot pants, gesticulated at her crotch and had back-up dancers who looked dangerously thin, if not dangerously old.  She also met the Queen in an orange prom dress that left her tiny tatters on display.  That is daring, I guess?  As in daring the Queen to backhand your sassy mouth, young lady, so go wash that paint off of your face!

Arguably, Cyrus was more “daring” in teh secksie sense, but TMIMO Gaga had “daring” in the bag in the thought-provoking sense.  The English language, isn’t it fun!

Anyhow, pictures of the non-Gagas after the jump.

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Another victim of 2012.  Damn you, Mayans!

What does this ad look like it is selling?  Sex.  What is this ad actually selling?  A shitty reality tv show.  Part of me wants to sue for false advertising because Keeping Up With The Kardashians isn’t nearly as sexy or interesting as this ad is representing.  With an ad like this I expect a show giving us a sexy and interesting behind-the-scenes look at a brothel or strip club or show or something, not some boring-ass reality show about a boring-ass family.  F’reals, I feel cheated. 

But what I really wonder is how the Kardashians feel, because, let’s be honest, while other KUWTK ads have been sexy, and even prominently featured Kim’s ass, they haven’t been this, I don’t really know the word, sex-ad-ish?, before.  And the rest of the family is completely missing.  I think this ad is a sure sign that the network is feeling waning popularity and trying to compensate by amping up teh secksie.  I hope the fam has been saving some moolah because this, dear squeeps, is the beginning of the end.

They’re Also Okay With “I’m Not Quite Dead Yet,”  “I Feel Fine!” and “Really, I Think I’ll Go For A Walk!”

Welp, y’all, it’s not a big secret that I have issues with the LDS community. Some of you may remember my rants on The Site That Shall Not Be Named - but for those who weren’t privy to those rants, here’s a list of reasons, showcased rantily. (Yeah. I KNOW “rantily” isn’t a word. If you’re not cool with that, well, you can leave. Don’t let the door knock some rantiness into you on your way out.)

A) There’s that whole “Mark of Cain” thing… apparently, according to the Book of Mormon, black folk are the accursed descendants of Cain (you know. The Bad Twin in the Biblical “Cain and Abel” duo.) According to The Book Of Mormon, black people are black BECAUSE OF GOD’S CURSE on Cain for murdering Abel. In fact, It’s God’s punishment to the whole world, apparently, for Abel’s murder.  Cain’s descendants are black, and therefore made of da eeeeebil.

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In Related News, It WAS Opposite Day.

First, Fox News was so embarrassed by Palin’s stupidity that they had to correct her about her deliciously asinine assumption that Obama is in charge of whether or not there’s God-stuff on our coins. Then on Friday night, Bill O’Reilly asked her questions that I’m pretty sure left her wishing she were being interviewed by Katie Couric. And no, I am not making this up.

O’Reilly: You pointed out his [Obama's] lack of experience — you don’t have that much experience. You walked away from the governorship after, what, two years? Two and a half years?

Palin: Going into my lame-duck session — my fourth legislative session — and not wanting to put Alaskans through a lame-duck session –

O’Reilly: OK, but is it fair for you to criticize Obama’s lack of experience when somebody could make the same criticism about you on the national stage.

Palin: If you’re talking about executive experience, I would put my experience up against his any day of the week. I have been elected to local office since 1992, and was a city manager, strong-mayor form of government, was a chief executive of the state, and was an oil and gas regulator. There was some good experience there that could have been put to use in a vice presidential ticket. We’ve to remember too that I wasn’t running for president.

O’Reilly: No, but that’s the key question. Because John McCain is up there in years, you had to be qualified to take that office over.

Palin: Right. But I — I’m saying I was running for vice president, just like Joe Biden had been running for vice president. I never once heard you or anybody else question Joe Biden and his experience.

O’Reilly: Well, he’s got a lot of experience.

Now, I should point out that I saw (and by “saw,” I mean “did a bunch of other stuff while this interview blathered on in the background”) the rest of this interview, and he’s mostly kissing her ass and trying to make out with her the rest of the time, as per his contract with Mr. Murdoch. And I’m pretty sure these are the hardest questions she’s been - or will be - asked while on her book tour. But STILL, y’all! Color me “well, THAT was unexpected.”

Everybody sing with me.

Squee Christmas Puppy

Come now and grab your vodka-laden nog and gather round yon fireplace as I tell you a tale. A scaaaaaary tale of how I was nearly murdered in the face by Walmart.  MUUUUURDDERED I SAY. It was not long after the goblins were all packed away tight….or sent back to the main distribution center till next year. As I went to grab some name brand juice and bargain prices,  I saw it.

The beginnings of the terror that will soon be upon us. At first I felt a rush of joy and glee. It sent a shiver up my spine that was so fantastical, I too wanted to break out in a glee’rific rendition of, Don’t Stop Believing. There in the carton right next to the milk it smiled.  Hello, old friend: EGG NOG!

Oh, I hear your snickering and guffawing, but I make no apologies for my love of teh nog. Frankly you nay sayers, if you put enough scotch or vodka, it’s just fabulous, so zip it. Every year when it goes away I swear it will be the last time I see it. I could make it, I’m sure! Ohhhhhh, I just had a good chuckle thinking about that. I just hate that when I go to the grocery and the nog is gone. But now it’s returned to me in all it’s noggy goodness. I’m just making up alot of these words here, y’all.

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It’s Al ‘WEATHERMAN’ Roker

So Heidi and the A-Hole were scheduled to appear on the Today Show on Monday to promote their new book. Yes, you read that right. These two have a book. It’s called How to Be Famous: Our Guide to Looking the Part, Playing the Press and Becoming a Tabloid Fixture. Apparently you can have your own book even if you have never read one before.

For some reason Dumb and Dumber got bumped from the show. I’d like to think Al had better things to do with his time, like take a really epic dump. Well that got Spencer’s panties in a twist so he did what he does best. He took to Twitter and made an ass out of himself.

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And Maybe YOU’LL Love OUR Exotic, Kooky, Assy Condiment?

LOOK AT THAT ASS*! It's just RIGHT OUT THERE, for everyone to be shocked and amused by! *note: not really this model's ass.

It’s so hard to find the new, cool thing.  This is a difficult time in marketing for the whole world. The global economy is in a terrible state, but everyone wants to see something edgy and new. Well, no one can afford to come up with a whole new thing. So. We try to turn something old and overlooked and dusty into something new again! America’s got crazy, scene-lovin’ hipster kids peddling Miracle Whip as a “lifestyle choice,” and Japan’s decided to promote their asses (or someone’s asses, anyway, screenprinted onto the backs of their skirts in ways that look like would be REALLY uncomfortable if they were real). Japanese booties and Miracle Whip have been overlooked for years!

Tone it down?! What?!? Not THIS free spirit's* Miracle Whip! *note: model is not an actual free spirit .

Give it some thought. When you think of the American flag, do you think of Miracle Whip? No. Because nobody likes Miracle Whip. But THAT’S ALL GOING TO CHANGE, now that a bunch of 19-year-olds are making duckfaces while shoving a jar of it in your face! And when you think of Japan, do you think of asses? No. The Japanese have many, many beautiful features, as a people - but asses aren’t typically the feature you think of first. WELL GUESS WHAT? That’s all gonna change! Because a bunch of 19-year-olds making duckfaces are shoving them in your face! They’re as stylish as Winkers (maybe more so!), and it’s okay that they’re not real, because neither is Miracle Whip.

So everyone wins! Sort of! This economy is going to change, y’all, with the help of Miracle Whip and weird pretend-assless skirts! MARK MY WORDS!

I say not racism.    MIRITE?

Couples Retreat was released in the theaters recently.  I don’t know when.  I don’t care.  It looks stupid.  Probably just stupid enough for me to laugh whilst drinking the six pack of beer I smuggle into my purse at movie theaters.

Yesterday, apparently, there was some hub bub, a broo ha ha, or a kerfuffle, if you please, over Universal Studios removing the black actors from the poster that was used to promote the movie in the UK.

I know, right?  That’s like, totally racism?  Why not remove some of the other couples?  Well, because the other stars, Vince Vaughn, Kristen Bell, that other dude, and whatshisbutt are, like, way more popular than Black dude no one’s really heard of, and some black chick who’s been in in like, 4 shows, on par with That’s so Raven! and Moesha.  Basically, they’re people many folks  in America have never heard of, so the bloody Brits sure as hell don’t know who they are.

Meh,  I know I’m supposed to be all “this is an outrage!” but whatever, right?  The movie sucks (only 12% on Rotten Tomatoes).  Vince Vaughn has made a string of craptastic movies ::ahem:: Fred Clause and frankly, I don’t give a crap.  And, in any event, Universal has decided not to use those posters overseas.  They say that they’re “sorry to have offended anyone.”  So… no harm no foul.  But if the next big Denzel movie comes out, and the UK posters show this picture:

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And here’s to you, Mrs. and Mrs. Robinson

Well this is interesting.  A researcher in Britain, Stephen Scott says that his research shows that children of lesbian couples do better in life than the offspring of heterosexual couples.  Stephen Scott, who is the director of research at the National Academy for Parenting Practitioners presented his new research at the launch of Demos, a new London-based think tank.

Stephen Scott, director of research at the National Academy for Parenting Practitioners, has said his research shows children from lesbian couples do better in life than the offspring of heterosexual couples.

His controversial position draws backing from research that suggests children with two female parents are more aspirational than those with opposite-sex parents. Some studies also also shows children with lesbian parents are no more or less likely to have tendencies towards homosexuality.

Research at Birkbeck College, part of London University, and Clark University in Massachusetts suggests that same-sex couples make good parents because children cannot be conceived accidentally - parents must make an active decision to adopt or find a sperm donor.

According to the naysayer Jon Davies, chief executive of Families Need Fathers: “Since all children will have a biological father the child has a right to know who that is. In most families where there will be a mother and a father, a father is needed to support them. But it is the quality of parenting that counts in the end regardless of the parents.“

Um okay.  Way to contradict yourself in the same breath.  Do kids need a father or is it the quality of parenting that counts?

I say it’s the latter.  What do you say?

Do the Right Thing Bahamas!

The pink countries are where marital rape is more or less illegal.**

The Bahamas has proposed a new Amendment to their Sexual Offenses Act. The amendment proposes to remove the term “who is not his spouse” from section 3 of the current act. What is section 3 you ask? The rape statute.

The Bahamas, like the majority of counties in this world have made marital rape a legal impossibility under the law – even though the UN declared marital rape a violation of Human Rights in the 1993 Declaration on the Elimination of Violence Against Women. Did I mention that the Bahamas are a member of the UN? Lets not just beat up on the Bahamas; the UN has 192 members but there are only 104 countries with laws against marital rape.

Why, pray, tell would a country keep marital rape legal? It’s a really basic marital unity argument: when you marry you become one and you can’t rape yourself. There is also a religious factor– when a couple marries, God decrees their bodies are each others. For the record, however, the Catholic Bahamian church has come out in support of the Amendment. Do the right thing Bahamas!

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Some crap you may or may not know about this day

What, can't a guy just walk in the woods with a mask and axe?

Today is the day where everyone jokes about Camp Crystal Lake. Don’t even deny it; when you’re alone on this day you know you listen for “Kill, Kill, Kill, Now, Now, Now.” You know he’s not there… this time. Some people are so freaked out by this day they have their own phobia. So if you are afraid to even look out your door today then you may have paraskevidekatriaphobia. Say that shit 5 times fast.

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If you think the world is ending on December 12, 2012, I have a survival pack to sell you.

Space, the final frontier - or it should be.  Instead, NASA is wasting time and money dealing with hysteric crackpots.  In a theory espoused by the khaki-wearing prophets of doom, the world will end in 2012.  What is this based on, you ask?  Well, the Mayan calendar, of course.  The Mayan calendar is super freaking complex.  These people loved a calendar, I tell you, so much so that their calendar is actually, roughly, eleventy-billion interconnected calendars. The one that the crackpots are primarily concerned with is the “long calendar,” which resets every 1,872,000 days.

You see, the Mayan calendar tracks eras, or so we think because, apparently, Cortez was a book-burning aye-hole.  At the end of each era some “transformation” happens, destroying the old world and creating a new world - there is disagreement as to whether or not the transformation is brought about by a cataclysmic event.  Some say that after the current age, estimated to end in 2012, there is no new era on the calendar (Bah dum duuuuuuum) and so 2012 will be the end of the world.  Just like in 2003.  Wait, you mean the world DIDN’T end 6 years back when the ORIGINAL prediction said it would?  Hmmm, confusing.  Especially given the fact that the Mayans didn’t believe in endings, they were all about circles interconnecting.  See, for example, their freaking calendar.

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Gay Marriage

Look, I know that gay is the new black, but maybe we can avoid a bloody battle and come to a solution on this issue. I see no argument for denying gay marriage. I have two points:

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God help the people of South Korea

As if the people of South Korea don’t have enough to worry about when it comes to living next door to Kim Jong Il, there is about to be a new menace they will have to be on the lookout for. Cha Sa-soon, a 68-year-old from Seoul, has finally passed the written driving exam. It only took her failing it 949 times to get it right. On the 950th time, she finally managed to pull a passing grade of  60% out of her ass.

Homegirl has been taking the exam nearly every day since April of 2005.  Cha has laid out more then five million won (that’s $4,200 in real money) on the application fees to keep re-taking the test.

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Heigel Suckfest

The ugly truth is this movie is a misogynistic piece of crap and even Gerard Butler’s fucking amazingly hott ass can’t save it. And Heigl said that Knocked Up was sexist? HA! I had issue then – she made these statements after the movie hit big, after DVD sales that were through the roof finally slowed – then and only then did she admit she thought it was sexist. (Which by the way – oversensitive feminista that I am- I do not agree).

The Ugly Truth is just a series of sexist sentiments that are repeated over and over. Women are clingy. Women are controlling. Men need to be men. Don’t emasculate men. Men like sex. Play hard to get, be coy, don’t act like a woman. No man wants a woman because women suck. But Knocked Up, where women hold better jobs and have their shit together while men are a mess, is sexist. You got it, Kathy. I suggest watching it on silent.

If Some Creepy Dude Felt Your Boobs and Told You to Get a Boob Job, Would You Get A Boob Job? Yeah. Me Neither.

Carrie Prejean is really laying it on thick, Alan Thicke-style.  Who can blame her, really? Ever since the controversy regarding her comments about same sex marriage, she has proven time and time again that she, at best, has extremely poor judgment, and at worst is a total idiot.  Let’s recount, shall we?

1. Ign’ant comments about gay versus “opposite marriage.” Cruise knows she has the right to say whatever she wants.  And Cruise also knows that I have the right to call her an ign’ant foolio.

2. Nude photos and faux outrage at the illicit “between shots” photos of her Tune in Tokyos which the dastardly sneaky bastardly photographer released.

3. Lying about the nude photos-turned out she posed for them.  Duh.  (Hey, I have no problems with nude photos or people who pose for them.  But with Carrie, it’s hard to deny that she has a serious glass house/stone problem.)

4. Losing her Miss California crown and blaming it on les gays and decrying it as revenge for her dumbass comments at the Miss USA Pageant when, in fact, she wasn’t adhering to her Miss California contract which required her to make certain public appearances.

5. Thinking that freedom of speech protects her against people who call her an ign’ant foolio in a public forum.

6. Forcing KeeblerKahn to reduce his bag of Bag of Douche awards by one Bag of Douche award.

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